Heavy-Jeavies

I don't know how to explain it, and don't know why i feel a need to try, but....

When i lived with my parents so long ago i used to get this feeling. This weird, undefinable feeling. It was an icky feeling. Hard to place, but somewhere in my chest? In my stomach? Highly uncomfortable. A heevie-jeevie, ew, ick, yuck kind of feeling. And then as soon this "sensation" would invade me, i'd have an uncontrollable, ravenous need to binge. I never told anyone about it. I thought i must be crazy. But it always really bothered me because of the inexplicable nature and raging intensity. It overpowered me.

Anyway, i found over the holidays while visiting my parents house (after at least a decade of not visiting them,) that the feeling was still there, and it scared me. I've also felt twinges of it here at the Guru's, and i don't like it. At all. It makes me ill at ease and creeped out. It makes me want to run away and find my own little private shelter or bury myself in sand. What is it about? It really bothers me.

At least i can say i haven't binged, although i do find myself looking for opportunities to sneakily buy food and hold on to it: just in case. And last night when i went to the store to pick up shrimp for The Guru's dinner, i puposely bought food i could eat in the car ride back: the evidence which i could dispose of when i returned. Well, i guess that's not so great, but i've been far from completely losing it.