I discovered Google Videos!

A half a mile from my home in HI, I stumbled upon this awesome video just now.
So peaceful!

And this was my drive to work.

I love the internet!

Sexy?

I rarely ever ever ever shop or buy things. But, once I start working, like for real with income and stuff. Maybe I'll change that. But check out these boots. For some reason they struck me! You like? I wonder if you can dress sexy when you work at a private religious college? Poo.

The Cutie's most absolute ABSOLUTE FAVORITE clip E V E R....
It causes him spontaneous eruptions of joy and unbridled dancing. Don't ask me why. I really can't explain it

Organizing Photos Today

And here's a random sampling.......

I love lotuseseses.... Peaceful and lovely.




I visited Timesquare last week for the first time! My cousins were in town and I spent the day with them being a NYC tourist. We also went ice skating in central park and I saw the Rockettes!!! wow! And guess what. The lady I sat next to owned a computer company and asked if I would be interested in working for her! She's out of the country right now so we haven't spoken in depth about it yet, but what the heck - you never know! The world is mysterious sometimes and I do believe in synchronicity (despite my occasional cynacism.)

Hey that reminds me! I start working at the college next week. Assitant to the President! Part time for the first few months and then I'll replace the lady who now holds the position but will be retiring. I absolutely CAN NOT WAIT to leave the den of horror being my current front desk job at the evil doctor's medical office. It takes everything I have to NOT simply walk out sometimes. OK .. ALL of the time!









Images from the school. Did i mention it was a religous one? Pretty funny since I'm pretty much a bonified atheist. HAHAHAHAHA.

Old therapy room in Hawaii. I kinda miss it. Ok I do miss it. Alot sometimes. It was a tremendous source of support and cleansing. Incredibly constructive. Healing. Helpful.

The 3 kilns I gave away when making my spontaneous move to New York. Along with over a thousand ceramic molds (all sitting in my studio apartment.) What a mess! Those suckers are heavy!!! (And a big financial loss.) But oh well. It's not like I was doing anything with them anyway. Mostly chasing a dream of owning a business and taking it one step at a time.




A man strumming a ukelele outside my last Hawaii apartment. An everyday scene there.





I loved how this picture came out when I was sitting inside our car while The Cutie washed it. Doesn't it look ghostly? You never know how these camera phone shots are going to come out. Sure the quality is horrible but, on the other hand, the grainy-ness sort of looks romantic to me sometimes. Did you know I spent like an hour researching camera phones last night? I wanted to identify just exactly what the specs were on my camera because I suspected I could do better and boy was I right. Turns out my camera is a VGA (like a third of a megapixel) when 1 megapixels (a million pixels) to 3 megapixel cameras are standard practice out there. In fact, a 7 megapixel camera has been released in Germany by Samsung!!! My conclusion is - although I like my phone, I need a better camera for sure!!! Or, should I just save my money and get a normal digital camera? But that might not be as conveniant to upload. I don't know. I haven't decided what to do. What do you suggest?



The dance floor that I practiced when I spend a month living with my dance teacher last year.

The Cutie and I made a cross country trip to surprise my Dad for his 60th birthday this year. Here's a shot through the window on the long, long, very long, trip. We were tired and cranky but still had fun. 6 days of driving and 1 day and a half of visiting! Oy vey!

What we saw for about 4 of the 6 days of driving and gained new perspective as to how Bush won the elections!

We also spent a week in Flordia this year visiting The Cuties Uncles/Aunts and cousins. It was probably the most fun we had all year. Well at least I had fun. He was exhausted and in pain. Going places take alot out of him.

This visionary woman started a dance village in India. She died tragically in a landslide but has left a beautiful legacy.

A dancer in costume.

Ho Ho Ho

Rake Rake Rake

Happppppy Consumer Exploitation Xmas Day!

I pray to Kris Kringle himself that this post finds you safe, and happy, and warm and surrounded by loved ones or if not, at least happy about that too.

Lots of love to you and yours,


Indigo Blue

xoxox

Yesterday The Cutie told me officially that he never wants to get married. Although he says it's simply a matter of his disinterest in the institution, I still found it difficult to hear it as something other than a statement of personal rejection. Am I not good enough for him? Not compelling enough? Don't get me wrong, I've known all along that we both have our fears and apprehension, but the finality of his announcement still came as a sobering surprise. Especially since I've been on high alert for a secret surprise engagement ring since we met. Afterall, the day before I moved to New York we even browsed the internet together shopping for rings! Bottom line is, unless he magically changes his mind, I will likely never be a bride or have children. A weighty, solemn realization that made me cry.

Rest in Peace

Richard Pryor

1940 - 2005

"You'd call him the grandfather of stand-up comedy, if grandfather didn't seem altogether too cosy. He's Richard Pryor: writer, entertainer, film star and the man whose incendiary comic interventions into 1970s America moulded stand-up into the artform we know today. Before Pryor, stand-up in the US was Bob Hope and Bob Newhart: mild one-liners delivered by cheerful men in shirts and ties. Pryor, by stark contrast, was scabrous and confessional, sexy, vernacular, and totally unpredictable."

"Angry, impassioned, truthful and personal, Pryor spoke about his world: a world of winos, bums and junkies; of black-white inequality; of sex, politics and sexual politics. And then there was the delivery - Pryor delivered comedy like a musician delivers jazz. But it wasn't just stand-up that he radicalised: many credit Pryor with blazing a trail for black people in American life. According to the musician Quincy Jones, he was "a pioneer ... who made us understand the truth about ourselves".

MP3 CLIPS:

1. Super Nigger -1968
2. Exorcist - 1974
3. Monkeys - 1978
4. Ali - 1978
5. Southern Hospitality - 1983

Actor - filmography
(1990s) (1980s) (1970s) (1960s)

1. Lost Highway (1997) .... Arnie
2. Mad Dog Time (1996) .... Jimmy the Grave Digger
   ... aka Trigger Happy (video title)
3. Another You (1991) .... Eddie Dash
4. The Three Muscatels (1991) .... Narrator/Wino/Bartender
   
   
5. Harlem Nights (1989) .... Sugar Ray
6. See No Evil, Hear No Evil (1989) .... Wallace 'Wally' Karue
7. Moving (1988) .... Arlo Pear
8. Critical Condition (1987) .... Eddie/Kevin
9. Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling (1986) .... Jo Jo Dancer/Alter Ego
10. Brewster's Millions (1985) .... Montgomery Brewster
11. Superman III (1983) .... Gus Gorman
12. The Toy (1982) .... Jack Brown
13. Some Kind of Hero (1982) .... Cpl. Eddie Keller/Ted Segal
14. Bustin' Loose (1981) .... Joe Braxton
15. Stir Crazy (1980) .... Harry Monroe
16. In God We Tru$t (1980) .... G.O.D.
    ... aka Gimme That Prime Time Religion
17. Wholly Moses! (1980) .... Pharaoh
    
    
18. The Muppet Movie (1979) .... Balloon Vendor (Special Guest Star)
19. California Suite (1978) .... Visitors from Chicago - Dr. Chauncey Gump
    ... aka Neil Simon's California Suite
20. The Wiz (1978/I) .... The Wiz (Herman Smith)
21. Blue Collar (1978) .... Zeke Brown
22. Greased Lightning (1977) .... Wendell Scott
23. Which Way Is Up? (1977) .... Leroy Jones/Rufus Jones/Reverend Lenox Thomas
24. Silver Streak (1976) .... Grover Muldoon
25. The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings (1976) .... Charlie Snow/Carlos Nevada/Chief Takahoma, All-Star (RF)
26. Car Wash (1976) .... Daddy Rich
27. Adiós Amigo (1976) .... Sam Spade
28. Uptown Saturday Night (1974) .... Sharp Eye Washington
29. Some Call It Loving (1973) .... Jeff
    ... aka Sleeping Beauty (USA)
30. Hit! (1973) .... Mike Willmer
31. The Mack (1973) .... Slim
    ... aka The Mack and His Pack
32. Lady Sings the Blues (1972) .... Piano Man
33. You've Got to Walk It Like You Talk It or You'll Lose That Beat (1971) .... Wino
34. Carter's Army (1970) (TV) .... Pvt. Jonathan Crunk
    ... aka Black Brigade
    
    
35. The Young Lawyers (1969) (TV)
36. Wild in the Streets (1968) .... Stanley X
37. Uncle Tom's Fairy Tales (1968)
38. The Busy Body (1967) .... Whittaker
    
    

Filmography as: Actor, Writer, Producer, Miscellaneous Crew, Director, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Writer - filmography
(1990s) (1980s) (1970s)

1. The Mark Twain Prize: Richard Pryor (1999) (TV) (uncredited)
   
   
2. Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling (1986)
3. Richard Pryor: Live and Smokin' (1985)
4. Richard Pryor Here and Now (1983)
5. Richard Pryor Live on the Sunset Strip (1982)
6. Bustin' Loose (1981) (story)
   
   
7. Richard Pryor: Live in Concert (1979)
8. "The Richard Pryor Show" (1977) TV Series
9. The Richard Pryor Special? (1977) (TV)
10. Blazing Saddles (1974) (screenplay)
11. Lily (1973) (TV)
12. "Sanford and Son" (1972) TV Series
13. "The Flip Wilson Show" (1970) TV Series
    
    

Filmography as: Actor, Writer, Producer, Miscellaneous Crew, Director, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Producer - filmography
(2000s) (1990s) (1980s) (1970s)

1. Pryor Offenses (2004) (TV) (executive producer)
   
   
2. Mo' Funny: Black Comedy in America (1993) (TV) (co-executive producer)
   
   
3. Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling (1986) (producer)
4. Richard Pryor Live on the Sunset Strip (1982) (producer)
5. Bustin' Loose (1981) (producer)
   
   
6. "The Richard Pryor Show" (1977) TV Series (executive producer)
   
   

Filmography as: Actor, Writer, Producer, Miscellaneous Crew, Director, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Miscellaneous Crew - filmography
(2000s) (1990s) (1970s)

1. "One Night Stand" (2005) TV Series (special thanks) (episode "Louis C.K.")
2. Richard Pryor: I Ain't Dead Yet, #*%$#@!! (2003) (TV) (very special thanks)
   ... aka Richard Pryor: I Ain't Dead Yet, #*%$#@!! - Uncensored (USA: DVD title)
   
   
3. Sydney (1996) (special thanks)
   ... aka Hard Eight (USA: changed title)
   
   
4. Pacific Inferno (1979) (special thanks)
5. Richard Pryor: Live in Concert (1979) (executive album producer)
   
   

Filmography as: Actor, Writer, Producer, Miscellaneous Crew, Director, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Director - filmography

1. Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling (1986)
2. Richard Pryor Here and Now (1983)
   
   

Filmography as: Actor, Writer, Producer, Miscellaneous Crew, Director, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Himself - filmography
(2000s) (1990s) (1980s) (1970s) (1960s)

1. Bitter Jester (2003) .... Himself
2. The Comedy Store: The E! True Hollywood Story (2001) (TV) .... Himself
   
   
3. The Mark Twain Prize: Richard Pryor (1999) (TV) .... Himself/Honoree
4. Sam Kinison: Why Did We Laugh? (1998) (TV) .... Himself
5. What Makes You Laugh? (1995) (TV) .... Himself
6. "The Blackberry Inn" (1995) TV Series .... Himself
7. The Comedy Hall of Fame (1994) (TV) .... Himself/honoree
8. Apollo Theatre Hall of Fame (1994) (TV) .... Himself
9. BET's Comicview Awards (1994) (TV) .... Himself
10. A Century of Cinema (1994) .... Himself
11. Apollo Theatre Hall of Fame (1993) (TV) .... Himself (Honoree)
12. Soul Train Comedy Awards (1993) (TV) .... Himself
13. The Comedy Store's 20th Birthday (1992) (TV) .... Himself
14. A Party for Richard Pryor (1991) (TV) .... Himself
15. Sammy Davis, Jr. 60th Anniversary Celebration (1990) (TV) .... Himself
    
    
16. Richard Pryor: Live and Smokin' (1985) .... Himself
17. "Pryor's Place" (1984) TV Series .... Himself
18. Richard Pryor Here and Now (1983) .... Himself
19. Motown 25: Yesterday, Today, Forever (1983) (TV) .... Himself/Host
    ... aka Motown 25 (USA: short title)
20. The 55th Annual Academy Awards (1983) (TV) .... Co-Host
21. Hollywood: The Gift of Laughter (1982) (TV) .... Himself - Co-host
22. Richard Pryor Live on the Sunset Strip (1982) .... Himself
23. The 53rd Annual Academy Awards (1981) (TV) .... Himself - Co-Presenter: Best Film Editing
    
    
24. The 21st Annual Grammy Awards (1979) (TV) .... Himself
25. Richard Pryor: Live in Concert (1979) .... Himself
26. "The Richard Pryor Show" (1977) TV Series .... Himself/Various Characters (1977)
27. The Richard Pryor Special? (1977) (TV) .... Himself
28. The 49th Annual Academy Awards (1977) (TV) .... Co-host
29. The 19th Annual Grammy Awards (1977) (TV) .... Himself
30. The Lion Roars Again (1975) (uncredited) .... Himself
31. Lily (1973) (TV) .... Himself/Various Characters
32. Wattstax (1973) .... Himself
33. "The Midnight Special" (1972) TV Series .... Himself - Host
34. Dynamite Chicken (1972) .... Himself
35. The Phynx (1970) .... Himself
    
    
36. "The Kraft Summer Music Hall" (1966) TV Series .... Regular
    
    

Filmography as: Actor, Writer, Producer, Miscellaneous Crew, Director, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Archive Footage

1. Out of Africa: Heroes and Icons (2005) (TV) .... Himself
2. Live from New York: The First 5 Years of Saturday Night Live (2005) (TV) .... Himself
3. No Joking (2004) (TV)
4. The N-Word (2004) .... Himself
5. "Comedy Central Presents: 100 Greatest Stand-Ups of All Time" (2004) (mini) .... Himself #1
6. Richard Pryor: I Ain't Dead Yet, #*%$#@!! (2003) (TV) .... Himself
7. 101 Most Shocking Moments in Entertainment (2003) (TV) .... Himself
8. Uncensored Comedy: That's Not Funny! (2003) (TV) .... Himself
9. Richard Pryor: The E! True Hollywood Story (2003) (TV) .... Himself
10. "Heroes of Black Comedy" (2002) (mini) .... Himself
11. A Huey P. Newton Story (2001) (TV) (uncredited) .... Himself
12. Me, Myself & Irene (2000) (uncredited) .... Stand-Up Comedian on TV
13. Saturday Night Live: 25th Anniversary (1999) (TV) .... Himself
14. A Really Big Show: Ed Sullivan's 50th Anniversary (1998) (TV) .... Himself
15. Classic Stand-Up Comedy of Television (1996) (TV) .... Himself
16. Ed Sullivan All-Star Comedy Special (1995) (TV) .... Himself
17. But... Seriously (1994) (TV) .... Himself
18. Mo' Funny: Black Comedy in America (1993) (TV) .... Himself

Filmography as: Actor, Writer, Producer, Miscellaneous Crew, Director, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Notable TV Guest Appearances

1. "The Norm Show" playing "Mr. Johnson" in episode: "Norm vs. the Boxer" (episode # 2.11) 1 December 1999
2. "Malcolm & Eddie" playing "Uncle Buck" in episode: "Do the K.C. Hustle" (episode # 1.10) 11 November 1996
3. "Biography" playing "Himself" in episode: "Richard Pryor: Comic on the Edge" 12 March 1996
4. "Chicago Hope" playing "Joe Springer" in episode: "Stand" (episode # 2.9) 20 November 1995
5. "Showbiz Today" playing "Himself" 31 May 1995
6. "Martin" playing "Himself" in episode: "The Break Up: Part 1" (episode # 1.18) 11 February 1993
7. "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" playing "Himself" 27 April 1984
8. "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" playing "Himself" 9 February 1983
9. "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" playing "Himself" 5 September 1980
10. "Saturday Night Live" playing "Host" (episode # 1.7) 13 December 1975
11. "Soul Train" playing "Himself - Guest Emcee" (episode # 4.39) 14 June 1974
12. "The Flip Wilson Show" playing "Himself" 15 November 1973
13. "The Flip Wilson Show" playing "Himself" 20 September 1973
14. "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" playing "Himself" 19 September 1973
15. "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" playing "Himself" 29 May 1973
16. "The Flip Wilson Show" playing "Himself" 15 March 1973
17. "The Partridge Family" playing "A.E. Simon" in episode: "Soul Club" (episode # 1.18) 29 January 1971
18. "Toast of the Town" playing "Himself - Comedian" (episode # 24.7) 1 November 1970
19. "Toast of the Town" playing "Himself - Comedian" (episode # 23.20) 8 February 1970
20. "The Mod Squad" playing "Himself" in episode: "The Teeth of the Barracuda" (episode # 1.1) 24 September 1968
21. "Toast of the Town" playing "Comedian" (episode # 21.35) 12 May 1968
22. "Toast of the Town" playing "Comedian" (episode # 21.15) 17 December 1967
23. "Away We Go" playing "Himself" 24 June 1967
24. "Toast of the Town" playing "Comedian" (episode # 20.40) 11 June 1967
25. "Toast of the Town" playing "Comedian" (episode # 20.31) 9 April 1967
26. "ABC Stage 67" playing "Himself" in episode: "A Time for Laughter" (episode # 1.23) 6 April 1967
27. "Toast of the Town" playing "Comedian" (episode # 20.12) 27 November 1966
28. "Toast of the Town" playing "Comedian" (episode # 20.5) 9 October 1966
29. "The Wild Wild West" playing "Villar" in episode: "The Night of the Eccentrics" (episode # 2.1) 16 September 1966
30. "Toast of the Town" playing "Herself - Comedian" (episode # 19.38) 5 June 1966
31. "Toast of the Town" playing "Himself - Comedian" (episode # 19.30) 10 April 1966
32. "Toast of the Town" playing "Himself - Comedian" (episode # 19.24) 27 February 1966
33. "Toast of the Town" playing "Himself - Comedian" (episode # 19.7) 24 October 1965
34. "Toast of the Town" playing "Comedian" (episode # 18.32) 9 May 1965
35. "On Broadway Tonight" playing "Himself" 31 August 1964

Good News!

I had an interview back at the college that I temped at before getting my current crappy job, and turns out, I'm going to start as the President's Executive Assistant in January! It's only part-time for the first four months, but still - It's a start. And will pay far better than any other job I've had before. Plus they couldn't have been any kinder and complimentary in the interview. His other assistant said I was "a real renaissance woman" and said I was "warm" and "dignified" and "intelligent" and "perfect for the job" and a bunch of other unbelievably flattering things. Talk about a confidance boost! I haven't felt so wanted and appreciated in a long time. What a change. Can you believe it? Even though its just clerical nonesense, I feel honored and happy nonetheless. I mean, its not like I'm on the road to doing something I'm more personally suited for anyway. At least I know alot of people there already and they're nice, and he's nice, and the campus is beautiful and peaceful.

And I love that school.

And I love school.

I love being around people who care about learning and who are engaged and involved and growing.

Oh and we had a wicked snow storm which is highly exciting. Gi-normous dandruff flakes falling on the rooftops.

And also a couple of my first cousins flew into town today whom I haven't seen in years. They are here to visit another first cousin who just had a baby and hopefully we'll all get together. Haven't really spent time with any of the cousins since we officially became "adults" but some of my happiess childhood memories are playing kick the can or swimming at the lake together.

I'm alive. But so out of blogging practice. Waiting for the blog bug to bite me again so I might get going.

OH!

I guess I turned the "moderate" feature on somehow without knowing what I was doing. Ooops! That's ok. I fixed it. Thanks Z!

Huh?

What's going on with the comments thing? You have to "moderate" them now or something? Thanks to Zatoad's email, I just discovered FIFTEEN comments sitting dormant that I hadn't known existed. I just published and responded to them. And then I noticed a few comments from Laura and an anonymous one in my email that I can't find on the blog. Hmmm.. Going to investigate.

And Hi Laura! Its great to have you here and hope you stick around! I love that poem too.

=)

Had a good day today. (Just so you know I'm not always dark and dreary.) The Cutie is home and in a couple hours I'm a year older. Its still shocking how old I became so quickly. Life is a steamroller.

Hello Out There

I felt much less depressed today. Maybe its because I kept myself busy driving and shopping. Buying and returning. Driving and shopping. Buying and returning. Staying busy does help, I think, if for no other reason, it provides distraction. When there's an empty day, it makes me restless. Guilty. Ashamed. I start diving inside and feel a long dark inner hole. I start thinking about the futility of life and how nice it would be to believe in a god or fate or at least some sort of universal synronicity. Some order to things.

Trying to get the place a little spruced up so The Cutie won't have to return to a mess. Throwing out boxes, emptying the trash, vacuuming, laundry, changing the sheets. I love the shiny red vacuum I bought today - it picked up so much dirt it blew my mind - a blob about the size of a container of a gallon of milk. (I saved it to show The Cutie.) It's amazing how quickly dirt accumulates. I really need to do a thorough cleaning of the bathroom and kitchen floor. How do people keep up? And we're only in a studio. So much work for invisible results.

I don't like bitching, and I'd really prefer to not drone on and on with self-pitying egocentric trivialities, particulaly because I don't want to drive people away, or bore them, or create cause to dislike me, but...........

..................... Its kinda where I'm at right now. As much as I don't like that. So what's wrong with me? I mean, whats the main problem? Is there a specific character defect that I need to look at? Is it my perspective on life? Am I too stubborn? Indignant? Weak? Selfish?

Or, do I have a biochemical problem? Would medication be a magic cure? And if anti-depressants worked, would I need to take them forever to create some sort of calm or stability or do I simply need a jumpstart to fulfillment, happiness. Should I just give hope? I mean, when I think about it, have I been depressed for the past decade? Or, do I experience perfectly normal sad moments but overinflate their importance out of fear or hypersensitivity?

I don't know.

About so many things.

I want to help myself. I'm just not sure what to do or how.

One more day until I pick The Cutie back up from the airport. Its been super nice to be alone. (Not to say I don't love him to pieces.) But, I do think alone time can provide valuable clarity. Plus, I'm excited to be able to use his car and kinda look around where I live, something I've been wanting desparately to do since I first moved here as I still have a sense of not knowing my environment or where I am. Plus, I just like to drive! I do. There's a sense of freedom and joy that comes from movement. And I found a cool "Trader Joe's" store today (just down the street practically) and got to buy all kinds of cool and interesting foods. (I'm getting so tired of our local Pathmark & Shoprite: they're crowded, noisy and everyone seems so grumpy and unfriendly. Plain bad energy. And it gets to you after a while. Well, to me.)

In a moment (after this post) I'll go back out and return the feather bed I just bought from Marshalls for The Cutie's back (too small) and will look for a replacement as well as a new vacuum, (our's spits out more dirt than it sucks up.) I really like buying things that make The Cutie happy or more comfortable. Actually, I think I like getting him much more than he care about receiving them, but nonetheless..... I want him to know that I appreciate him.

The job is just so awful. Not sure if its as awful as I think it is, but I thinks it is!!! Just unpleasant. Nastiness. Snapping. Unfair blaming. Criticism. High strung nitpicking and pettiness. If I didn't think it would be a terrible bore, I might go into detail about why, but, maybe it doesn't matter. The other reason I might elaborate would be to get some sort of outside perspective, some sort of validation. But then, why do I have to prove myself? I don't know. To know I'm not crazy? Hold too high of expectations of people? Why can't people by civil? I become so infuriated during the day I want to snap back or stomp out fuming. But then, how would I be any better? Are all jobs going to be like this? It makes me just want to be alone for the rest of my life. I can't handle work if this is what is typical behavior. Or at least coworkers.

Maybe its me.

I don't know.

Maybe its me.

Dream

Unexpectantly and without explanation, The Cutie angrily left me in Iraq admist the heart of unrest and disorder. I could not speak the language, was unable to count the money (with only a few American dollars on me), knew no one and had no where to go or way to protect myself.
Bombs began to rain down and I scrambled looking for protection from a similar fate to the bloodied corpses around me. For a short time I'd located a pocket of other English speaking people who drove a "bomb shelter" (a jeep with a roof) but this too was an inadequate Russion roulette as we held our collective breathes, grimly hoping that in the next instant, we would not be next. I became separated and apprehensivly entered a courtyard of turbened men, trying to dissapear. I was desparate, terrified, and furious at The Cutie. How could he betray me like this? How could he do this?

And it went on, and on - but no time now, I must get read for work...

The Cutie is gone for a few days and I am alone for the first time since I met him. The way it was for so many years. I have time and space and me. And good or bad, I more clearly hear my thoughts. They disturb me. I'm scared that if I don't seek help soon that I will be too complacent to pull myself out of this emotional muck. Maybe I should have paid better attention? Or maybe I'm overreacting. I don't know. Out of curiousity, I just took this "Quiz" and expected somewhat depressed results, but a 61, "severely depressed" surprised me. I crave a guidance. Comfort. Peace.

Trying hard not to be depressed though i lost it over the weekend. I hope the Cutie doesn't think less of me. Does he think I'm weak? Pathetic? Crazy? Its good to share - sometimes. Unless it makes you look stupid. Right? I don't know right now.

Off to work! Bye.

They made me cry within the first 10 minutes today

Why are such stupid things so friggin hard.

Video code provided by HotCodez.com

Insatiable Hunger

I think I've been eating to change my mood lately.  Desperate attempts to seize respite, restore calm. And I do deflect the unpleasantness -  for a moment.  Then, despite my determination,  in a spike rushes back the ugliness, the discomfort, the rage.  Like a host of other frailties, food also is an addictive mood altering medium, and it works - otherwise why would people use it?  Unfortunately, it leaves me feeling sick, mad at myself and dissapointed.  Time for an overhaul.  I've been wading deep into dangerous waters but am ready to turn back.

Do you think being sad allows you to appreciate your happiness more? Does the profundity of simple, silly things ever strike you as exceptionally beautiful during a dark time?

I admitted to The Cutie

that I'm afraid I may be becoming or am depressed after it occurred to me that the shower I just took shouldn't necessarily be considered a momentous achievement, although it felt like it was. He fiddled with papers on his desk as the uncontrollable somber rain began to pour. Stupid Stupid Stupid! What was was my problem? "I don't even have reason to be upset!" I protested. Luckily, the threat of a visit from his relatives that afternoon forced us off of the couch and into full fledged panic-cleaning mode. And it was a good thing because although they didn't arrive until the evening for a much too short visit, we were left with a tidy, sweet smelling, neat little studio. Plus I got to take another drive to exchange the Small Flashypants for a Medium. (And snuck in a Frappachino to boot.) So then, am I really depressed if I feel ok 3 hours later? I don't know. Not that it matters, I couldn't afford therapy or drugs even if I wanted them. But, I DID keep my journal for most of yesterday which I feel good about. Raising consciousness is a powerful bitch! I think it will help.

8:16am, have to leave for work in a few minutes. I so am dreading it as I've begun to liken it to working at the Group Home in my mind. It has that feel to it - constant crisis, unpredictable moods, meltdowns, and generalized instability. A pervading since of fear and tension.

PS: Thank you for your email Wombat Wol. Although I've been too lethargic to respond, I find myself reflecting on it often. It was very kind of you.

I feel like shit! But at least I started my food journal today. I really hope it helps. I wrote (typed) down everything I ate, what I was thinking/feeling, what I was doing and my hunger scale before and after. Is there some way I can link or upload the excel form here? Or on a webpage? I don't know how. I'd like to keep them all together and organized.

Red Ruffled "Flashy Pants"

"for dogs in season."


And 4 pink fluffy booties. (Too small, I'll try again.)


Beautiful Day

Beautiful stories.

There's a book store next door to the petstore.

Endless entries into worlds unknown to me. So much to learn! Absorb! Experience.

I could have stayed forever. Sitting. Thinking. Reading. Exploring all that exists between those varied pages.

Instead I bought The Cutie Anne Rice's vampire triology, JR Tolken's Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, an origami guide for making high tech paper planes out of dollar dollar bills and a grande espresso frappachio and called it a day. I knew he'd be wondering what could possibly take so long to buy doggie sanitary pads. I'm so enthused by all that I saw. It inspired my imagination and interest. And there's so much I could bring home for the Cutie to keep him busy and happier while stuck at home! Books, projects, puzzles, role playing books..... So much!

When I got home, he was on line of course (COV) and listening to his new Fionna Apple CD. Mellow. Groovy. Melodic. I think I like her. It's good to have music in the house (studio.) I miss music. Does that sound silly? Simplistic? But I do. It's important to me. And I need it. I wish we were making music. We've discussed a few times but it hasn't been the right time yet. Not enough space for instruments. Financial contraints. But I miss it and will be happy when music is more of a part of our lives. Playing the piano opened me - it moved my feelings through and beyond me - it released energies and awakened my spirit. Listening to this reminds me of that and makes me yearn.

Like this radio station that I found once The Cutie started letting me use his his car to drive to work. It reminds me of the causes I once believed in and thought I would dedicate me life to. They're still there. Waiting for me. And I can learn more and get involved at any time. Just as soon as I get a handle on myself.

I bought a blank journal today. I want to start my food journal again because I've been slipping. Slipping. Slipping. I won't get angry at myself. I will accept it as a part of my journey but I do want to get on track and take care of myself in the way that I know I can. Increasing my consiousness will be the first step and I will do that by writing down all that I eat what I am thinking feeling and doing at the time as well as my hunger levels before and after as indicated by a number between one and 10. 1 Being absolutely famished, 5 being neutral and 10 being full beyond comfort. Recording all of this takes effort and persistance and also a good deal of courage (its much easier and comfortable to go unconcious), but it is valuable for recovery. That reminds me I need to call about that Eating Disorder agency I found on-line. Just as soon as I have a moment alone. And feel brave. And energetic.

I battle with myself about getting old. Being old. Feeling old. I tell myself I don't care. But that's a lie. I do. When did I get these wrinkles. I look in our cloudy medicine cabinent at a face I do not know. Puffy discolored weariness. Leathering and worn. Was I beautiful? Could I be again? Where will it come from? Maybe from within. I look at women I know. Middleaged woman 20 years my senior that I respect and love. Do I see them as damaged beings? Ugly or disfigured? Not at all. Never! So why then do I hold such stringent and punitive self-reflection? So we may be "extra" voluputous or "imperfect" physical beings. Does that makes us unworthy? Dispensable? Underserving of love, affection? Obiously rhetorical as the answer's simplicity is glaringly clear. I wish more of us believed this. I wish I did. Not just in my head, but throughout my being. I'm so tired of hearing the women at work repent upon consuming a cookie and their unrelenting daily diet jabber. For god's sake. We have other things to think about! To be.

It makes me mad! And sad.

What are you thinking about today?

On the Bright Side

• I have the cutest most wonderful little puppy EVER - that plays and cuddles with me everyday.
• I have A JOB. It may not be perfect but I am still so thankful to have it. A source of income brings me comfort and relief. Things could be alot worse. And it's so close I can walk there. My coworkers are super nice and I could see us becoming friends! (regardless of whether I/they stay.)
  
• Working makes me feel better about myself and life. I feel more productive
  and useful. I feel like I actually do have skills and something to offer. I'm not a complete dumbo afterall.
  
• The job helps me believe that I am actually a patient, calm and kind person. I realize this sometimes by observing my coworkers who, although are nice people, sometimes still behave in ways that range from wildly inappropriate to mildly abrasive or inpatient which is sad and dissapointing.
• The Cutie loves me. And I love him. Very much. And although life is not easy for him, and he is in constant physical pain, he still finds a way to make me laugh every single day. We are in a loving, committed relationship which seems to grow every day. This is a big accomplishment after having some very difficult moments at first as we had to radically adjust our lifestylesliterally overnight to be with each other. We never had the benefit of the dating and "getting to know you" stage like most couples since I flew here and moved in on the same day. Talk about pressure! It hasn't always been easy, and in hindsight maybe we were a little crazy, but look at us now - we did it! And for that I'm very grateful. Endlessly grateful. I not only love him, I like him too. And that's pretty cool.
• Internet access. This computer. You! Blogging has been the most amazing experience. It really has become an important part of my life that I just love.
  
• We have a super fabulous new car which means no more stressing about repairs or breakdowns every time I drive it. This is definately the first time in my life when having a contingency plan involving tow trucks and cab money wasn't the foremost priority in my mind since up until now, I've never not driven a raggedy hoopty. What a relief!! Boy do I love that car!!! I can't wait to drive it more often.
• My Dad seems to be responding well to his chemo. Each dose has lowered his bloodcount considerably which is good news.

Oh CRAP!

It's Halloween today!!

Why didn't you tell me?!

Trick'or'treaters are ringing the doorbell but we don't have candy! I totally forgot. Actually, it didn't really occur to me that we'd get the little ones here since we're in an apartment. But shiat, that's good thinkin on their part actually. In fact, I wish I'd thought of that as a kid! Think how quickly you could rack up the goodies!!! Like BAM BAM BAM, mega treats in every hallway!

Where was I? hmmmmmm... What else... Well, actually, I'm starving, I'm going to get a snack and maybe add more to my gratitude list later. I guess I'm just trying to remind myself - point out - the good things too. I think so much of life is about perspective. If 5 good things and 5 bad things happen to me during a day, which of those things will I take with me when I go home? Do I forget the good? Do I dwell on the bad? How much time to I devote to what? What do I choose to focus on?

I know what The Cutie would but on his gratitude list: COV is starting today. This is like, the highlight of his year. My god he is so ecstatic.. Too cute.

Email To Folks

Sorry I missed your call yesterday. (I was taking a nap) *see below*I tried to call you back but I think you were out.

How are you?

The job continues to be chaotic and stressful, but I'm making the most of it. As I learn more I'll be more able to ignore other peoples' frantic stress attacks around me & also will be able to better help calm people down and/or take care of things myself thereby not involving them which will also reduce potential panic attacks. Another possibility will be that they will end up walking off the job anyway (as I hear threatened every day) which will change the office dynamics in both good and bad ways...

We'll see.

As I mentioned, I do like the doctor personally (despite the condescension and nitpicking) and actually today she enthusiastically & insistently volunteered her help when I told her about The Cutie's health situation. She questioned me as to who his doctors are (I couldn't remember the names) and has offered her professional feedback as to their quality once I provide her with the details. She said, "I've been in this business 20 years and I know who's ok." Isn't that nice? I was touched.

The Cutie also said today that he wouldn't mind seeing her and actually I think I may be able to get him in tomorrow to check his eyes. (He's having some problems with the pressure due to the drops he's taking after having the steroid injections in the eyeball.) It would be great relief to have an advocate for his health concerns. That alone will make this job worth it.

**I was bummed and tired and didn't feel like talking.

Pre-work Morning Blues

Ironing scrubs, brushing my teeth with lemon flavored toothpasted, and trying to withhold my displeasure with life. I feel like I did in elementary school when I hoped and hoped and hoped to be saved by a snowstorm that would cancel school. Do I really have to go in? Nooooooooo! Somebody save me! This morning I dreamt a horse accidently ran over me when I was sleeping and slashed my wrist with a clean, deep cut. I spent the rest of the dream cradling my wound, and trying to convince people that the dripping liquid pus and hanging forearm skin indicated that I needed help. I wasn't in pain, but I knew if I didn't at least get stitches to attach the large hanging flaps of skin loosely overlapped over each other - connecting my hand to my arm - the internal structure would likely become infected. Instead they changed the subject. "It's just a scratch."

Tevety Boo, where are you?!

I feel an insatiable hunger that's scaring me. It reminds me what I keep forgetting - to research this area and find an eating disorder support group. I guess I'm not as much in clear as I had hoped several months ago. This is dissapointing. I've been considering working out but...... I have so little energy lately.

I don't really do things on the weekend. Or during the week. Actually I really don't do things. Not for a long time. I think maybe this is not good and I need to become active. But. I'm not sure what, where or how. Besides, I don't like to leave the comfort of our studio. And most especially, I don't like to leave the Cutie. Is this unhealthy. Not sure what to do... I find this sort of embarrassing. And pathetic. I feel like a blob. An unattractive, inactive, boring blob.

I haven't written much since

starting this new job because by the time I get home I'm emotionally and psychologically absolutely wiped out. Strained. Close to tears. In my unbiased, professional opinion, its pretty much a nut house. And its so unfortunate because it doesn't have to be that way! So much stress! So much chaos! So many tears! And hurt feelings! And this all I've observed in the very short period of 3 weeks since I've begun. Poor, poor, everyone. Staff and employer(Dr) alike. Just a bunch of mixed up miscommunication leaving everyone feeling like crap - unappreciated and misunderstood. Disrespected and angry. Every day all day long are the tirades, threats of walking out, rages. Oy vey. It's hard to be there. More soon... (I hope.) The cutie just got home!

Important

I'm down

Spontenous liquid erruptions are unpredictable at best. I'm tired of it. Tired. I wish I could get a grip. A lasting, believable grip.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Hi Mom and Dad,

Guess what Mom, we're watching your favorite show - The Golden Girls!!! It's so funny!
The Cutie and I are laughing it up. I remember you used to watch it all the time when I was growing up.

I'm really sorry to hear about Dad's face infections... It sounds so uncomfortable and awful!
Is it getting any better? Worse? The same? I hope it goes away soon! How's the blood
count?

You can definately tell the weather is turning over here. It's much colder now and drizzling/raining I just got back from taking The Puppy on a walk. She's so funny. When its wet outside, she'll stop in the doorway in the tiny little dry patch under the overhang, plant her feet and look at me with big pleading brown eyes. I'll walk the distance of the retractable leash, then have to bend down and call her over and again and finally she'll skeptically inch towards me.

Then we walked down the street to Dunkin donughts to get a coffee and bagel. But now it's 9:45pm. (I started this email this morning at 10am) and I forgot what I was talking about.

Haha.

The job is surprisingly stressful... Ridiculously so. But guess what! A lady from the temp service emailed me Thursday and said she'd just had lunch with Jim, the HR guy from the College. According to the Temp Service, he'd said the college would love to have me back any time and would MAKE a position for me! Isn't that the nicest thing ever? So, maybe I'll work my way back.

Yesterday there was an incident where I became upset while the Dr was "talking" to me (but sounded like scolding) and I felt it was uncalled for and demoralizing (which is her M.O.) but this time it was just too much and she wasn't hearing that what she was asking that I do was EXACTLY what I did! Out of frustration as she went on and on, I began finally to tear up and walked away and she followed me, apologizing and exclaiming, "Don't leave! (the job) I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm not mad." and how just that day 2 or 3 people had commented
on how nice the "new person" at the desk was and on the phone too and how great I was and how smart and that's why she hired me. Then at that point, because I was all embarrassed and felt I needed to explain myself, I told her it was just an accumulation of things - the general stress level in the office is extremely high and people are in a constant state of defensive panic and are intimidated. How there are an abundance of inconsistancies and conflicting ideas about how things are supposed to be done. I mentioned that it was "hard to hear" her at times not because her "feedback" was invalid or unwarranted, but that it comes at difficult times; ie: when 3 patients are holding on the phone, patients are checking in and out simultaneously,etc. making it not an ideal time for a "teaching moment" (translation lengthly lecture. (It may not sound like much, but believe me, each involves a host of detailed and laborious steps that if are omitted or done incorrectly will likely invite further lecture/correction.) IT'S EXTREMELY HECTIC. People running to and from, charts everywhere, papers flying, conversations layering
on top of each other, and tense employees snapping at each other. The office manager is frantic and makes thing worse. Everyone is frantic. And the doctor compounds it many times over
by storming at and giving diatribes while impatient tired patients wait, listening..... We saw almost 40 people in one day last week! Too many! Anyway, I'm babbling, but the moral of the story is the doctor seemed appreciative of my honest feedback and even said, "Nobdy ever suggested that before!!!! I'm going to try that!" And even called an impromptu staff meeting at the end of the day to discuss her thoughts. I figure, what the heck, i've got one foot in and foot out so I might as well share my observations with her. If nothing else, I'd like to leave the it a better place for the people who are stuck there and too afraid to speak up for themselves.
It's a shame! Everyone and I mean EVERYONE is miserable. I think she'd be willing to do certain things different, if only people asked for it - but she seems to be simply oblivious to the level of dissatisfaction of her employees. In fact, the office manager told me that she's known for making her staff cry on a regular basis!


Anyway, probably easier to describe on the phone, but its a good challenge.... I do like her personally, but, i think she just needs to loosen up a bit. She's very driven & meticulous and perfectionistic. She doesn't eat or use the bathroom in a 10 hour day and seems vicariously to expect the same of her office. What she doesn't understnad is that it drives them away
and makes them afraid of her.

Talk to you soon,

Indigo

[Old] home

My buddy sent me this shot today. Did I really live there? Funny how you stop seeing things after a while. [Click on image to zoom]

7:30am

Made a cup of chai, and browsing email and your blogs before getting ready for work. The Cutie and Puppyare peacefully snoozing to my right. The Cutie looks so sweet when he is sleeping. I want to squeeze and hug him up but I will not disturb him as its so hard for him to get sleep. I've had semi-anxious dreams for some time now. I'd like to record them, but, I need to devise a method for doing that while still drowsy. Where can I type without being disruptive in this studio? It may just have to wait.. I do remember I was naked when my parents arrived home and my dad "playfully" choked my neck from behind. I was livid and felt violated. I tried on a new behavior and angrily expressed my outrage to which he and the Brother & Mother dissmissively ignored and laughed at. Then my extended family began to arrive and we were all sitting around a table: cousins, aunts, grandfather, etc. I anxiously continued, wailing and emoting and desparate to be heard. The looked on skeptically with faces that registered I was either ridiculous or had lost my mind. Then finally one quasi supportive comment from my old therapist J who said something about my feelings being valid, followed up by comment from 2 old professors, and lastly my 8th grad english teacher (who I guess had become interested be the prefivious vein introduced by the professors) closed the discussion by saying something very complicated (but interesting) (but over my family's heads) about existentialism and whatnot.

The End.

Gotta go clean up and put on my lovely SCRUBS. haha... I feel so silly wearing those things but boy are they convenient!

Voyage Out

We left the studio together today and saw "Flight Plan." Not bad. I really appreciate Jodie Foster's presence. I like watching her. In the lobby some Soprano actor
was there I guess to sign outgraphs. Strangely no one seemed to be paying any attention to him except two little girls who he was quizzing about whether they liked the movie or not. Maybe he figured - since he had to be there anyway that he might as well shoot the shit.









<-----This guy... (I never would have known who he was since I've never seen the Sopranos.) But the cutie noticed that he looked familiar after we walked by.

I got stuck in an elevator with a man who didn't speak English and

that was the highlight of my day. The porter had to pry us out. It was hot and humid and I focused my attention to the cement in front of my eyes so I wouldn't lapse into panic when wondering about whether there was enough air. It didn't take long though, and I still made it to work in time. Lucky I left a half an hour early!

Finished work at 2:30 but I still feel run over by a truck. Chaos, disorder, frantic fearful coworkers intimidated by the long-winded doctor. Finger pointing and white lies by frazzled workers trying to dodge responsibility for things they shouldn't yet be expected to do. And then there's me stuck in the middle. One person ordering me to do one thing and then being scolded by someone else for doing it. Either being barked at to do obvious things, or vital information is witheld. Once I know how to do everything (on my own) it should be much better. I won't have to rely on unqualified/impatient/jumpy coworkers for my support. But for now, what a headache!

Today was better yet. The Office Manager is warm and friendly. The pace is unreal which in a way is fun because it creates a challenge. 3 phone lines ringing while 4 patients walk in, while making appointments for patients checking out and posting payments, etc. I like having a job. I like working. I like being around people again. Its good.

Should I get a nose job? I really like Lana's nose on Smallville. Which of her features makes her so beautiful?

Day 3 of the Medical Office job, but in actuality, it felt more like Day 1 since for the first time there were patients (LOTS OF THEM), 2 doctors, and 3 additional coworkers on site. 3 of us are brand new, 2 reasonably new. What a mess! Total chaos. Total disorder. Total panic attacks all around me. Given the circumstances, I must say I'm quite happy with myself. I was dilligent about staying calm despite other being constantly pressured by impatience and anxiety. My goal was to absorb as much information as possible under the circumstances and tune out the extraneous tension. I think I accomplished it! I learned alot and enjoyed the challenge.

When I came home I walked the Hot Dog, ate the take-out lo-mein The Cutie surprised me with and now we're watching Smalville together. So, I guess this begins our routine! I kinda like it! And I think it will be good for our relationship to have some time apart. We can look forward to seeing eachother at night instead of staring at each other all morning, day and night.

Seakitty is having a baby!

Wow!

WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!

Big news!

I've been thinking alot about the concept ever since I moved in with The Cutie. Will I ever have kids? Would I be a good parent? Will the Cutie ever want them? How would they affect our relationship? Sometimes I think it would be awesomely fun. Sometimes I think it will never happen. I don't know. I talked to my friend Anj about it over the weekend. She's concerned that she's not ready because she still has "issues" and can be "critical" and wouldn't want to put a little one through that. I told her that for the decade+ that I've known her, I've always considered her to be one of the most nurturing, loving, thoughtful and kind people I've ever known. And even if she was critical, at least she, unlike most people, would be self-aware enough to be able to recongnize the feelings and mold her behavior accordingly. Also, I made the point that she shouldn't expect herself to be perfect. And if she was to wait until she was perfect, it could be too long! And that's ok! We don't have to be perfect - not for our children, each other or even ourselves. And be expecting and embracing that, we model for our children that that's okay! We don't have to hate ourselves for making mistakes! The best thing we can do is talk about that and process it as a part the human experience and try to constantly learn and improve ourselves along the way.

Ok then. So now that I think about it, maybe i don't need a nosejob afterall.

Day 2 - Doctor Office Job

It was okay.....  Another "non-patient" day.  Tomorrow is supposedly going to be absolutely "crazy" and hectic.  But, honestly, I really don't care, nor am I concerned as everyone expects I would be.  I can only do what I can!   If anyone has a problem with a lack of mastery on my part, then I'd say they are totally out of touch with what's realistic.  We'll see.   They've really painted a negative picture of the doctor!   (She hasn't been in yet.)   Actually, I'm kinda of looking forward to seeing what happens.    =)

Is it me?

Am I unsociable? Uppity? Elitist? Cold?

Spazmodic. Hyper. Childish. Unprofessional. Draining.
Comes to mind when I think of Coworker #1. She's been in charge of ::COUGH COUGH:: "training" me. She talks with the speed of an auctioneer but none of the clarity. Instead, her breakneck speed "explanations" fade in and out of comprehension due to a horrible lack of articulation and mumbling. Is it the tongue ring? I don't know but REALLY aggravates me is asking a specific clarifiying question and receiving a long, rapid-fire of totally unrelated information. Listening skills coworker! Listening skills! Why can't she please please please just cut it short and say something akin to, "yes, that's correct -twenty five." Instead of the 5 minute undecipharable meandering babble!

Fun but:
Overbearing. Brash. Demeaning. Raunchy (unprofessional) Grandiose sense of self importance though average intelligence. Condescending.
Comes to mind when thinking of The Bossy Office Manager.
And I strongly dislike the way she regularly bad mouths people without hesitation. Even if they're down around the corner! Yeah yeah yeah - I may be badmouthing now - but it's anonymous so it doesn't count! These are just my private shameful thoughts! Not advertised for all to know through office gossip!

Do I sound bitchy or what

Today was supposedly "the easy day." (No patients.) Tomorrow is is supposed to be a whole other ball game.

Hi Mom and Dad,

Hi Mom and Dad,
I'd say it was - well - i guess - mediocre.... Easier to describe over the phone, but it seems like possibly some difficult personalities to contend with (mainly.) I'll play it by ear and try not to make too many judgments yet. It took only a couple minutes to get there... About a 1/2 mile away, which we like! The office manager (who's also new) is trying to figure things out herself but alluded to the possibility of creating a "tech" like position to do the visual fields and eye photographs. I might like that so I wouldn't have to be confined to a desk with iffy coworkers and cranky elderly New Yorkers. (I understand the front desk people regularly get earfulls.) We'll see. I'll keep you posted.



On 10/4/05, parents wrote:

How did it go today?

I talked with my contact lens lady yesterday, and told her you would actually be working with patients. I asked her if you could learn a lot in the office setting like that. She said you could, and that after awhile you would need some additional training, but it was definitely possible to learn quite a lot.

We'll be anxious to hear what you thought today.

Love, Mom & Dad

I'm still kickin'

Just a bit mute. So quick update.

The Monday after I walked off the office job, I started a temp job at a small local college. I loved it for many reasons and could have stayed but didn't because meanwhile an opthomolgist down the street called me for an interveiw and offerend me a position. I start tomorrow at 9:30am which I guess is good thing but I'm not excited. At all. But its a job and close by. I'm going to try to get serious about finding a grad school and taking evening classes. Because f I don't make something of myself I'm going to go crazy.

I hope to write more sooner than later. As always, I think out my posts every day. If only i had a keyboard with me more often...

I'm watching Agassi play Federerererer right now &

typing in between their points.

Go Agassi Go! 2 Sets down and he's tearin it up!

I've been in such a great mood the past couple days! Maybe because The Cutie has been in a good mood too? But we've been having fun together. Things have felt good. Comfortable. Happy. We're both such goofs. We sing impromptu diddies throughout the day like we're living in our own sophmoric musical - complete with spazmodic dance moves, nonsensical lyrics, and naughty neandertal themes. One of us busts out and the other picks jumps in - harmonizing and giving a beat. Oh there is no end to the tomfoolery up in 5D.

All this despite having to still frequently push down troubling pangs of guilt (despite everyone's encouragment that quitting was the right thing to do.) I just can't help worrying about The Bossman since he really did seems to be a genuinely nice person. (Despite the anger management issue.) I feel sort of sorry for him. And I think my letter might of made me sound like a real freak. Today I spent a few hours at the mall and kept thinking how awful it would be if I ever ran into him in public. I HATE THAT! I hate feeling like I've wronged someone. I haven't had that sense in a long time. That said, I'm still glad I don't have to friggin go back there again. That part is unquestionable a relief.

Sweet, Agassi just won the 3rd set! HA! After matched games and 3 dueces! Exciting! No wait. It was a tie. Dammit, Federline won the 3rd set! Arg!

So, I spent nearly all of my last paycheck today on a plain jane boring old black skirt, black slacks, a flowy blouse and 2 pairs of heels. I hated to do it, but had to - unless of course this office doesn't mind my wearing the same pair of jeans every day (which seems unlikely.) Plus they were size 16 which was - well - ok i'll say it - mildly dissapointing. (I may have gained some weight?)

Ack! 4 games lost to Federer! What's happening!? Nooooo!

Anyway, I was VERY grateful to actually find clothes that fit - and they will come in handy. Plain black will be versatile and inauspicious so I'll be able to get away with consequtive days of use.

Stupid Federer. The announcers are started to use the past tense in regards to the game. "Agassi gave it his all."

::frown::

Oh that FUCKER!

He just won.

POOey!

What was I talking about?

Oh poo. I don't know. I'm going to wash up the dinner dishes. (I made beans and rice because that's all we have in the cupboards.) Old Mother Hubbard. And poor Puppy just threw up! We suspect the antibiotics are making her sick. She's had some sort of skin infection hasn't cleared up since we've gotten her. The vet thinks its mites. Poor thing.

Agassi is being interviewed in front of the crowd. He's so humble and nice. How can you not like that guy? But, is he really only 35? For some reason he looks more like 50 to me. I dunno, is it the bald head? I can't believe he's still playing after all of these years. I remember when he was a wild long-haired kid that people dismissed as a flash in pan. Ha! Boy he showed them, didn't he?!

Oh phooey - now Federer is being nice. He's thanking everyone including Agassi and even encouraged him to keep playing so they can have some more fun. Darn it! Now why'd he have to go and be all sincere and nice and everything? Now how am I supposed to dislike him?!

Gar!

My butt is asleep from sitting on this floor.

What I Currently Obsess About Most

80% of what I think about probably revolves around my relationship with The Cutie. I'd say the other 20% (which overlaps) would include;

• Finding a job
• My Blurry Unknown Future
• The Puppy
• Disordered Eating
• Distant friends & Family
• This Blog
• Your Blog!
  
• T.V. shows
  
• My past
• Cooking & Laundry
• Katrina
• Guilt about quitting
  

Exciting, no? I wonder what this says about me? I wonder how it might change from month to month.

I don't know, I guess I was just thinking about how much time women obsess on losing weight. How much potential happiness is lost on having a poor body image. How much collective energy on this planet is thown away on counting calories, attending diet clinics, taking "miracle pills", or trying the latest diet system. I wonder how much money is thrown away (and hours at work to pay for) superfluous clothing that we feel compelled to purchase to compensate for our damaged self-esteem and bedraggled media-blitzed egos. Imagine what would happen if we chose to channel even a fraction of that time to some other pursuit - perhaps something that nurtures our soul.

What if we said no?

We aren't going to do it anymore.

We aren't going to allow our waistline to dictate the course of our lives and happiness.

What if we never bought another fashion magazine?

What if we bombarded advertisers who capitalized on a sense of inadequacy to promote their products (ALL OF THEM) by telling them FUCK NO we don't need your crap and we won't accept your deceptive exploitative tactics.

Can't remember - You tell me?

Hello.
Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Should I post now, or not? Do I have anything to say? How about anything of value? How do I know if it's of value? Why would it be? Who would really care? I hardly care. I barely, barely care. So how would I believe that anyone else cares? Well that's a rather sad state of affairs isn't it? What does that tell me?

I really should get myself back into therapy. I think that would be really helpful. I wouldn't say that I'm officially in full-on relapse mode (re: eating disorder), but I would say that the past few months have been a struggle. Much more so than the previous year. I've been asking myself why. But honestly, I'm even a little superstitiously hesitant to think about it to much for fear of making things worse. You know, self-fulfilling prophesies and the like? Like, you can be having a perfectly good life until you think about it too much and stir things up and begin to unnecesarilly worry or obsess? Like, when you might have too much time on your hands to dwell and how things are or might go wrong rather than getting out into the world and acting. Experiencing. Performing. Accomplishing. Achieving? Does that sound glaringly Western? Is "glaringly" a word? Would a good buddhist be at peace without "achievement?" Do Westerners tie together "achievement" with accumulation and the tangible? Could I be a good buddhist? I mean, how could anybody go wrong with the middle-path anyway? I need to learn more.

I am SO glad that The Cutie is taking a nap right now. He blogged the other day that he feels like he hasn't slept in weeks which might be almost literally true. Is it true that after a few days without sleep you "go crazy?" Snoring, allerigies, back pain and anxiety keep him waking up constantly throughout the night. And now we can add Chilly's occasional nightime whimpering to the list. Poor guy. Why can't I heal his pains? I feel so helpless most of the time. I try so hard - usually I find the only route towards support is through OTC drugs: tums, xantax, oragel, aspirin, sudafed, metamucil, ensure, emergency sucrose gel, back support cushions, blood pressure gage, bandaids. Back rubs. Besides that, what can I do? What can I do? I can't do shit. I have to just sit and watch him feel miserable. And sometimes maybe he feels miserable that I am miserable seeing him be miserable which makes him more miserable than he would have been had I not been there making him think about something other than his own miserable feelings... (Clear as fog?)

Chronic pain.

It's a bitch.

Plus diabetes and it's a Bitches Bitch.

Plus allergies + heart problems + knee/should/hip + herniated disk + burning toe infections + burning, tingling, numb uncomfortable extremities + searing headaches + acid reflux + a fucked up eyeball filled with blurring fluid.

Will my writing this make him mad? Am i violating his privacy? I'm very nervous and wonder if I should ask him first before posting. Actually, to be honest, I've wanted to write about this almost every day but don't because of this nervousness. The only reason I typed it now is because I'm just blabbing whatever comes to mind without thinking.

Hmmm.

I wonder what I sound like discussing this. I hope not whining. I hope not like anything other than I'm concerned about him. He's the one in pain.

My friend A. suggested I find a support group for families of chronic pain sufferers. Does such a thing exist really? I wonder what it would be like, what would be discussed. Are there common forbidden "undisscussable" feelings that come out? Normalized? I hadn't thought of looking for such a thing before, although I have on occasion considered searching for some sort of Diabetes related support group. A place where I could talk to someone who'd know what it is to be gripped with the fear in the middle of the night - terrified that your lover's sugar may have dropped in his sleep - as you lay quietly watching, listening, feeling - trying not to wake him while looking for signs of normal breathing and consciousness.

Again, I don't know if such a thing exists, but it would be surprising to me if it didn't since it seems to be such a complicated all-consuming disease. I NEVER .....EVER..... EVER... could have imagined how difficult this disease was before meeting The Cutie. It's just absolutely horrible sometimes - the way it progressively damages the body throughout life. I'm not religious, but if I was, I wouldn't ever stop praying for a cure. I wish more people understood the affects of diabetes. And especially people at risk for Type 2 - it's one thing if you're born with it - but I imagine it's a whole different ball game when you develop Type 2 as an totally preventable biproduct of an unhealthy lifestyle. Talk about tragic waste. And adults have often have a much more difficult time adjusting which compounds the problematic effects.

Just please, stay healthy, don't get Diabetes if you can help it.

(And I'm speaking to myself here too.)

Working out and eating healthy is not just about vanity. I have to remind myself of this. Sometimes I feel silly/guilty about a desire to lose more weight. I have to remind myself that,

It's my birthright to be trim and healthy.

I don't have to feel bad. It's ok.

I wonder if people would think that that's a funny thing to have to tell myself. I wonder if they'll understand.

I've been at a plateau, I think, regarding my weight. As I've mentioned, I lost (naturally) about 50 pounds post-eating disorder group. I still am probably about 50 pounds over my ideal weight but have found the loss has slowed to a standstill. (I assume by my clothes as I don't weigh myself or have a full length mirror.) To be honest, I think I'm pretty afraid of losing more.

Uhoh. Puppy is stirring... I better get her before she wakes the Cutie.

Ope. He's up.

Well I'll go take her out to pee real quick in case that's why she's whimpering.

Back.

That was a quick trip!

I am SO loving that little puppy!

She gets so much attention everywhere we go. Puppies are like the ultimate social lubricant. People see her and burst into smiles. They gush over her cuteness with childlike enthusiasm They launch into "dog talk" without hesitation. "How old is she? What's her name? Is she a weiner dog?" Or their faces soften as they begin their detailed reminiscing;

"I had a dog. Her name was Lucy. She lived to be 16 years." etc


When I walk her, everyone I meet seems to have something to say either to her, about her, or dogs in general. One might even begin to believe that the even the crankiest, hardest, most suspicious of New Yorkers would be unable to resist her charms. I just love watching them melt.

Oh!

Lucky The Cutie woke up!

He had to drive his Uncle, who was next door painting, back home to the Bronx. (I thought he was going at 8:00pm but I didn't realize they had changed the time to 6:00.) I don't think I mentioned that The Cutie's mother bought an apartment in our complex and will be moving in within a week! That's so crazy! I wonder if we'll see her often? Her brother was here today painting her walls, getting the 1 bedroom apartment ready for her to move in.

Awwww.

Speak of the devil.

The puppy started pawing at my knees as I'm typing on my lap, and I picked her up to say "Hi." She curled up and promptly fell sound asleep. Her head is on my left shoulder, nuzzled under my chin, and her body is draped down ike a baby. She's so snuggly. I want to melt. Wish I could reach the camera to show you. I love it when she sleeps on my lap.

A couple days ago she woke me when she started pawing at her "cage" at 4am which she's never done before so I guessed she urgently needed to pee and I sleepily got up to take her out. When I came back, instead of getting into bed and putting her back into her cage, I sat on the couch, let her sit on my lap, but a blanket over us, and we both fell fast asleep. The cool thing was - I had the nicest, most happy and peaceful dreams! It was really amazing because just before I she woke me, I'd been plagued with unpleasant, bleah dreams - probably due to the anxiety and shame and guilt surrounding having walked off the office job. I think she comforted me. Is that annoyingly syrupy? I imagine it might be. Are you still reading this? I would be surprised because I think I've been typing for like, ever.

hahaha...

Well, if you are that die-hard, (bored?), (obsessive-compulsive?), (driven.....?) (what?) (you tell me!) Then I'll tell you that I am so proud of myself today! Why? Because I did something that is totally innane, and inconsequential to the average Joe - but to me - AMAZINGLY AWESOME?! What - you ask? HOUSEWORK?! Who the hell cares - you wonder? Because I am terribly domestically deficient! Because doing the simplest of tasks seems to require monumental momentum. Because I can't ususally seem to get myself to care. Or I just forget.

The Cutie was out of the apartment for a couple hours (picking up the Uncle) and I seized the opportunity and went to town! I whizzed around like a mad woman, hoping to sparkle it up so he'd be happily surprised when he returned. And by the time he returned, I'd finished 3 loads of laundry, all the dishes, thrown out all the trash-i, vaccumed, swept, and straightened up the kitchen which mainly involved throwing out The Cutie's 20-30 empty packs of Diet Coke.

So, today I think I rock!

When I don't do these things I feel so guilty. So ashamed.

But today I rock! I think I'm looking forward to when it happens again.

heh heh

What are you up to today?

Wanna have a competition - who can write the longest post?

I betcha so far I'm winning!

I'm trying SO hard to not berate myself today.  Your supportive comments are really helping to keep me focused on not hating on myself and feeling like a major jerk.  The next step will be figuring out I can get some clothing that I can wear to this job.  What a stupid thing to have to think about.  But unfortunately it could be quite a challenge.

Yay! (?)

Ok, so this is the deal.

I did it.

I DID IT!

Can you believe that?!

I DID IT!!!!!

I woke up feeling like the worst, most awful, terrible, unkind person in the world. I felt STUPID! SO STUPID! Like I made an impulsive, stupid, childish, cowardly move. (I left the letter, my keys, 15+ resumes of previous admin applicants, instructions as to how to find things on the computer and in the desk, printed duplicate copies of all the work I'd done there, a copy of orders I made and updates on what needs to be ordered now, contact lists of his clients and vendors/contractors, etc)

And then I mentally reviewed the circumstances and reminded myself that it was justified, I had a right to take care of myself, I'm not responsible for the effects of his bad behavior, it's ok, I don't owe him anything, he'll be fine and I can be easily replaced ETC and then

I WANTED TO BASH MY HEAD IN

STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID!

STUPID!

And EMBARRASSED!

I WANTED TO CRAWL INTO A DARK DARK HOLE FAR FAR AWAY AND LOSE MYSELF.

I was obsessively worried about his reaction. I slept as long as i could and tried not to wake up. I didn't want to think about it. I wanted the whole thing to just go away. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF IT. WHO CARES. GOODNIGHT.

And then - what am I getting so worked up about. It's just a job. And he'll see me as just an employee. Why make a big deal out of it when it's not, (says The Cutie.)

Right.

11am - He should just be getting to the office now. Is he reading my letter right now? Right this minute? What is he doing? Is he freaking out? Is he despising me? Thinking I'm lowlier than scum? Is he disgusted? Does he think I'm pathetic?

And, why do I care again?

And who is this person to me?

And why do I so willingly give away my self worth to any person that crosses my path?

Why don't I put up a fight for myself? Why do I just give up?

Anti-wife and Seakitty, you left me such awesomely supportive comments today. I can't possibly thank you enough. Anti-wife, your offer to help me draft a letter blows me away! That is just - its so incredibly nice. SO INCREDIBLY NICE. THANK YOU to everyone who's offered their feedback the past couple days on this situation: Zatoad, JM, Critic... I'm not exaggerating when I tell you each of them has helped me SIGNIFICANTLY. You made me believe that I wasn't crazy or totally off-base - and had a right to feel uncomfortable. I really needed that extra vote of confidance. I needed your help.

THANK YOU.

Seakitty,

How could you be more correct?! How could you know me so well? You're absolutely totally right, I have "shown this man no reaction at all."

AT ALL.

None whatsoever.

I've simply smiled and looked on calmly as he babbles his outrageous accusastions and illogical nitpicking.

"he thinks the world is about him and him being upset and him and his difficult life and oh poo, poor fucking him. we all have problems. he feels sorry for himself."

ahhhhhh!

"i think you'd feel good about experimenting with confrontation. what do you have to lose? be indignant. be sarcastic. be funny about it. be assertive about your sensitive nature. be yourself."

Yes! That's what I want! Yes! Yes!

Yes!

I want to be indignant! Sarcastic! Funny! Assertively sensitive! MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Yes!

Erm, next time though I guess. Heh. One step at a time? Well, at least, I HOPE this was a step? I don't know really. Maybe I should have stayed a little longer and practiced standing up for myself. Maybe this is running away. I don't know exactly. Maybe I'm just rationalizing this as a good decision to relief myself of the burdern and fear of doing that - confrontation. It's soo so scary.

BUT - it's my friggin workplace.

Who NEEDS that?!

Life is short.

I want to be around nice people.

(Without problems? Issues? Who don't make mistakes? Who never melt-down/freakout/say nasty things?) Well, I guess that's not realistic.

Where do you draw the line?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

That said -

G U E S S W H A T!

GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT!

G U E S S W H A T!

I just got an email from the temp service lady(!!!) (I turned off my phone because I'm terrified that the scary evil bossman might try to call me) and GUESS WHAT! She has a FREAKING JOB FOR ME! SHE HAS A JOB FOR ME! SHE HAS A JOB FOR ME!

And it starts Monday morning!

Yessssssssssssss!

Can you freaking believe that?

I'm so happy! It will be 2 to 3 weeks working at an Academic Advising office of a local college for a "really nice guy" (per the Temp Lady.)
She said 3 times that she was excited (to finally give me a job?). Well, Temp Lady, I'M EXCITED TOO!

I guess the goddesses are smiling on me today.

It certainly did change my mood!

=)))