In the REAL world, HOW much REAL is ok?

This is where I am most fully myself.   I show my ugliness. My despair. Shame. And most especially, my unlimited self-absorption.  I try to write as I think.  Unedited and unsophisticated.   Complete with suspect vocab and disregard for writing convention (spelling and such).  Almost no editing.

And I like this?

What would be the impact of behaving this way in "real life"?   What if, for example, I wrote not as an anonymous entity, but as me, as I am known in the world.  Which ironically, is probably far less me then I am here, where my "identity" is not known.

I think about this allot.

Allot.

I want all of these disparate selves to come together.   ~A reunification of personalities.   My administrator/leader hat, my comedian hat, my disgusting inappropriate fart joke self,  my loving, philosophical, good friend counselor hat, my superficial glamour self, my hippie no-shower taking fuck-the-world-i-want-revolution self, my pensive, loud, annoying, over-accomodating, look-at-me, self-deprecation self.   I want it all.  Can I have that?  Who will be my audience?  Who will understand?  Love me?  Believe me?   Are labels necessary for understanding?    What would that really look like.  Would my label be, "eccentric"?  Worse?  Would I be trusted?

Borderline personality.  Multiple personality disorder.  Crazy.  We have to pick.  Why?

Leonardo Da Vinci.  Now that's what I'm talkin' about.  No one told him he couldn't be all things.  Explore all places.  Pursue all his dreams.  Or maybe they did?  I actually have no idea - but, I'd like to know more.  Who are the Leondard Da Vinci s now?  Big and small.   I would like to know about their experience in the world.  How does it work?  Is there resistance to their way of being in the world, and if so, how do they negotiate that?

Encouragement From a Friend [emails]

Thu, Jan 17, 2013 at 4:39 PM

from: V

to: indigo

subject: KUDOS

I am so happy for you that you asked him to take over his own phone bill. Indigo that is awesome and amazing of you.   I am so happy for you. It is so wonderful that you mustered up the courage. Good for you babe.

Thu, Jan 17, 2013 at 7:43 PM

from: indigo

to: v

awwww... THANKS!!! That's sweet of you.  It just had

to be done?   Enough is enough?   I don't have the money?

And besides that, it's not really "right"....  :)

Got a call for a position xxx downtown NYC.  Here we go again!

Meanwhile, I've made good progress on my "biz" ideas

the past few days!   It's a race to the finish!

Thu, Jan 17, 2013 at 7:50 PM

from: V

to: indigo

I need the details on your request! How did you do it? And how did you get to the place where you could do it?

I love hearing that you get interviews. It makes me feel good about my resume? Even though I know you don't want these jobs. 

I just feel like if you did want these jobs: you would get the positions.

When I'm done with my Smith application and signed my lease and moved--let's meet up!  

Thu, Jan 17, 2013 at 8:17 PM

from: indigo

to: v

Admittedly, I made a couple "mistakes" on the JJ interview - but, I didn't think they where necessarily catastrophic?  The other one, I don't know?  I thought I was being "me"?  I even thought there had been some great moments?  So, it's weird and worrisome and disconcerting.  There could be something wrong with 1)me 2)my presentation 3) or it's random.   But, my track record is starting to be unfavorable.  So, I don't know?????????????????????????????? 

Just trying hard the past few days to "keep going" and "not give up" and I got back to work on my websites, and social media connections, and brainstorming, and such, and then that gave me the momentum I needed maybe that extended to being able to ask him ?   I also, somehow, managed to call unemployment today, which I have been neglecting for weeks (and weeks?), because it felt so horrible and daunting and I was afraid.  It was hard.    Also.... I think the root of my ability to "move forward" has been a perspective of forgiveness.  When I forgive myself, and I have more compassion for myself, I feel more capable and emotionally able to take "steps".  Instead of berating myself for being so lame/pathetic/useless, I mentally reward myself for ANY sort of effort.... I'm setting the barre so low so I can experience ANY semblance of "succeed"....  And now that I think about it, that's how I first lost weight....  A) I had to start with forgiveness and self-compassion .... and B) I had to set the bar so low that I could feel success - which was the part where my goal was to simply put on my shoes and STAND on the treadmill.. 

OH!  ALSO, I did laundry a few days ago.  I can't actually tell you how long it's been sitting there mocking me?  It was a desperate situation.  I was contemplating buying more underwear to accommodate it. 

I guess last, (now that I'm thinking about it), I think and sort of SOCIAL human being related interaction give mes a huge JOLT of GOOD FEELINGS and enthusiasm and motivation and COMFORT.  The dinner was helpful.  Also, a few times with my buddy's Mom.  Our chats are nice.  A phone conversation with L.  They all make me feel more human?  And "ok"?  And even capable? 

Just brainstorming....

What's going on with you today?  Smith updates?  Work updates? Apt updates?  Mental health updates?  Fitness updates?  Food updates? Hair updates?  :))

Thu, Jan 17, 2013 at 10:05 PM

from: V

to: indigo

I don't know if you are really grasping how competitive these positions really are and that it is amazing that you are even getting an interview b/c you usually have to know someone in order to get your foot in the door so that is really great. I'm psyched the resume has worked. 

You don't really want these jobs anyway b/c you feel and they are boring and not creative as well as rather a step down and you don't like "playing the game" and you are not a good bullshitter or liar as you have said and you are not passionate about any aspect of the work---not good ingredients for an interview? LOL. Do you know how far this new one is? DUDE.  

Good that going out and communicating with folks gets you motivated and that you are doing more of it. Really important and so really good to remember. 

Too tired to write more chica---later.

A lil' better week......

Feeling great in this moment.  Made progress on my goal to develop my social networks, and human, real life connections.   Spoke to friend in Florida tonight.  Eureka!

Had dinner with past professor collegues mid-week.  Woo-hoo!  I was so scared and nervous, I kinda tried to cancel via an awkwardly honest text - "Not in a great place. embarassed. dont want to make things awkward...."  (I believe in radical honesty?)....  She returned my text with an endearing scolding, "DON'T YOU DARE NOT COME! YOU ARE COMING.  I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING ELSE.  I WILL SEE YOU AT 6 AND THERE WILL BE NO ARGUMENT." ....(something to that effect)....

While I waited for them in the lobby I choked up for a moment.. happy/excited/nervous/sad...So weird.   But I enjoyed every minute of being with them.  I miss them.  I love them!  They felt like family.   And they are like my loving Aunts and Uncles (all older).  I left the restaurant and walked home feeling PUMPED.  And
HAPPY.  Thinking about how I might be able to find a way to see them more?  Talk to her about my business idea?  Ask him for his advice?    I realized I had felt normal for a moment.   I was reminded that I used to be so  functional, and on-point, and awesome.  I saw myself with different eyes and it lifted my spirits.  I am capable?  That's right!

Took my buddy's Mother to a few doctor appointments during the week and then "hung out" walking around malls and going to eat.  She's fun, and creative, and free spirited and a just a little bit crazy.  I like that.  It inspires me.  Her presence reassured me that it's ok to be different.  She's confident  Artistic.  And fabulous. And little bit wild.  She's beautiful and it reminds me to take care of myself and not give up.  She's hasn't been able to work for 6 months due to injuries and we exchange stories of the inappropriate things people say to us about it, and how people seem to either disappear or act weird in times of financial need.

And tonight I've been listening to entrepreneurial podcasts and am back to plotting my business ideas.

Thank god.

I have to pursue this and do it.

I can't give up!

There's no reason why I can't do it?

The key, I'm convinced, is persistence.

Even bought a calendar, to help me not forget.

Just re-read my post....

GOD I AM SO ANNOYING!!  UGHHH!

New Year: Old Issues: But Not Giving Up Hope

3am.

Watched Biggest Loser and promptly ate a Skinny Cow ice cream cone. Back to mindless dribble tv. Then another cone. And another.  A bowl of Doritos   And back to the ice cream cones.   Now my stomach feels sick and I know I must set a new rule - No more buying these cones.   I will have to put myself on restriction.  I can not be trusted.  This cycle is familiar. Gross. Stupid.  Self-defeating.  I know it well, and I know better.

My sleep cycle is off, as per usual.  With no place to be, no responsibilities, no work, no appointments, time barely exists.  There's no need to wake up.  There's no need to go to sleep.  Chaos.

Dirty Laundry (Pile 1 of 2) 

I want to keep writing, but I am tired.
Fatigue surrounds me like a blanket. Day and night.
I can't seem to escape it.

I've been "working" on learning about entrepreneurial endeavors.  I've been "working" to try to stay inspired, and believe on some level that I CAN create something, and that it MIGHT be possible?  I've been on a good stretch the past few days.  Very good!  I was encouraged and motivated and hopeful.

Today, not so much.

Today, my stomach feels awful. And gross. And I want to throw up. My body feels dirty. And everything around seems gross.  The clutter.  The noise of the TV.  The skuzzy bathroom sink that won't drain.  The gross bathroom tiles that are precariously hanging by the grout. The blackness on the edges that I am too tired to scrub. Or acknowledge. Or think about.

Goal for the new year is human contact.  Being so alone, so often, (not counting my buddy) can not be good for us.  It can not be healthy.  A couple weeks ago my friend was in town and we had dinner in the the city.  I was so nervous.  I haven't seen him since I was 19 when he was an exchange student from Europe for a year.  I was so nervous I didn't want to see him.
But I did.
I did, but I didn't.
I wanted to see him, but I didn't want him to see me because I am so fat and so ashamed and so unemployed and listless.
And lost.
I don't want anyone to see me so lost.  And worthless.  
I know one thing is for sure, once i DO get myself together, and am working/or self-employed, I will never, EVER forget what it is like to be in this situation.  I will not forget the doubt and fear and depression that grows from not having a job, something to do, a purpose.  I didn't fully understand it.  I minimized the impact.  I saw the emotional piece as over exaggerated. But now I get it, and i sure hope that some day I'll be in a position to help folks who are struggling the way i am struggling now.

We have to help each other.

We have to hold each others hands.

We have to love each other back to health.

And yes, I'm speaking for myself.  I could sure use some help!  Anybody!  Help!

Note to self: Another goal for this year: learning how to ask for help.  Reaching out.  Communicating.  Like, in a real life, real human sort of way.   Not mysteriously, anonymously through veils of social media, or worse, in my head!

I need to PICK UP A PHONE perhaps?

God, just writing that makes me immediately rebut - "So unrealistic.  I'm not gonna really do that?!"

Ok. So, maybe I'll start with emails, and work my way up to coffee dates.

But, seeing my friend energized me, and awakened me, and filled me with excitement and life!  It was mesmerizing and incredible and i loved it and treasured it and didn't want it to stop.  It was like I was a real person.  Normal again.  And living.  And happy.  And confidant.  And a person who was worthwhile.

A hair away from Hoarders.

And then I came home and it was gone.

I was thinking about getting a calendar.  To most people, that would be normal.  To me, i've had no need.  But, now I think i might like to have an organized location to track my thoughts, and goals.  A home to keep stay rooted in time and space.  Something to remind me that I am alive and that I can in fact think constructively and definitely about things i want to do each week:

a) Identify 20 mentors/folks I look up/that I would like to emulate
b) Write emails/ask for coffee dates?
c) Check out 20 books (small biz/online projects)
d) Laundry  (that hasn't been done in over a month)
e) Treadmill
f)  Maybe 10 ideas a day?  But I don't know. This scares me - putting all the things I could be, but am not doing in black and white.

Even something as ridiculous as a shower, yes, a shower - I think I need to write down and schedule, because  yes, it has gotten THAT bad.  And for my buddy, worse.  Our collective hygiene is beyond what you could imagine.  Abysmal.  Homeless person level.  Horrible. And embarrassing.  And crazy.   His reason: his shoulder pain.  And his general pain.  And, I think, depression?    My reason?   I don't know - who cares.

Who cares.

Well, I wrote more than I thought I could. I'm happy for that.  If only I could keep it up. That would be great.

We'll see.

I know better than to make any promises.   Wouldn't want more ammunition to feel like a failure.

So, we'll see.