Disgusted Without Reason

Well, i'm sitting at the final destination airport waiting to be picked up and feeling sad. So sad. Just called D, but we barely spoke which made me feel worse actually. I feel alone. Okay, maybe i shouldn't blog now since typing this makes me feel like i might start to cry. God knows, i've cried enough these past 3 days because I couldn't stand the thought of not being near him. And now, on the phone when he feels so far away - I'm lost. So far away.

My level of irritability on the way here has been alarming me. Did you see that last post? Jeez! I hope its not some sign that my inner grump is emerging into full form. I refuse to be a crotchity shit-head. Life is too short to waste bemoaning on the stupid small stuff. How dare i stoop to such small-mindedness? What is wrong with me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Maybe i'm being hard on myself. Maybe its just fatigue affecting my spirits and maybe is a normal reaction to having multiple foiled plans. Let me review what i have been mentally whining about since i waking up and see:


1. I stupidly ate the leftover Thai food when a) i wasn't hungry b) i thought it was likely to get food poisoning and c) it didn't taste very good in the first place d) i'd have plenty of access to food other places
Why then did i eat, you ask? Very good question. Compulsion? Guilt for having bought it in the first place? Guild about wasting it? To alleviate nervousness about being alive? I don't fucking know.
2. I missed my 6:30am shuttle from the hotel to the airport because i left 1 minute late
3. I was freaking tired because i stayed up until 3 eating and blogging for no reason (to alleviate loneliness? )
4. I walked into the lobby and discovered a lovely full (and complimentary) buffet with fresh fruit, yogurt, juices and cereal that i couldn't have partaken had i not just felt the need to stuff my face with bacteria-ridden soggy vegetable noodles
5. The 7am shuttle came and was immediately filled 2 adults and clamoring scoundrel children
6. The next shuttle came and filled with 10 clamoring yappy adults
7. The yappy adults were whining and making a stink because they “had a flight to catch” and demanded to the hotel man that they have a shuttle “IMMEDIATELY”. (Though their flight was a full hour after mine and i'd been waiting too.) I tried to ignore them.
8. After getting to the airport, i required special assistance since my e-ticket didn't show my ticket. Then i got back in line by the front entrance. The line snaked up an down, up and down the entire length of the check-in area in the longest security line i have ever in my lifetime experience. (But it went fast which was good)
9. I arrived at the gate as they were boarding (that was good too but since i was feeling foul i took it as ALMOST BAD)
10. My next door seatmate was a screaming 1 year child.
Did i say SCREA M I N G?!
11. I thought for sure we were going to die when the plane took off. I didn’t know it was possible to have turbulence while still over the runway, but apparently you can. Our plane was so severely jostled about on the take-off, it seemed we might just bounce right back on the ground. Good lord. I spent the next couple hours trying to calm down from the terror. I think i swalled my stomach.
12. After that i was forced to decid against my wishes that i ... may not like flying... i never wanted to say that..It seems so final and pessimisstic. Its gives me more ammunition to believe i’m getting old and stodgy and afraid.... Then, while sitting in my clausterphobic airplane chair, i began to brainstorm how and when i may have lost my faith which of course further depressed myself
13. Strangely, I couldn’t sleep on the plane (i can sleep anywhere anyplace anytime!!! what the hell?! my greatest gift failed me!?!?)
14. At baggage claim, i discovered my nifty Hawaii suitcase was broken... The huge dent in the side didn't bother me so much, but since the handle won’t come out i can’t wheel it around... not such a big deal... so this almost didn’t make the list, but i thought it was in the spirit so there ya go...
15. Now i’m here sitting in baggage claim waiting for the Guru to call and tell me if she’ll be picking me up. Again, not such a big deal, but it sounded dramatic so i though i should include it. I actually rather enjoy this time to write and attempt to regroup.. ... (I gotta shake this off!!!) I wonder how many hours i’ve been here though?
16. The Guru is on her way and i am to stand outside in one hour and look for her. The Mr. (who was supposed to be leaving the state today to visit his ailing mother) has the flu and won’t be going. This is a problem. He is difficult. Very difficult. I will elaborate later, but this is not good news. And he’s sick. So, really not good news. Oh my.
17. I am so cold its getting hard to type
18. I wanna go home


If you can’t bitch on a blog, then where can you? Honestly i wouldn’t ever in a thousand years say this stuff to anyone i know. I don’t want to be perceived as a whiny jerk. I don’t wanna be a pain in the ass, i swear. I know i shouldn’t be and so i’m not. But, its not because i don’t feel it inside sometimes. So, this is where i will spew, and if its too tiresome to read, i feel assured that you will skip it. Phooey.

Hmmmm.. Do i feel better?

Maybe its a relief of some sorts... A release from under the weight of disgust. Its heavy load compacts me.

Shit.

15 minutes until she’s supposed to arrive.

Here we go.

What is going to happen?

God, I’m so nervous.

I’m so crazy crazy nervous!


Okay let me try to flip the switch. On the BRIGHT SIDE.

1. I stole a pair of United Airlines headphones! Thanks again for that voucher douchbags!
2. I finally got it together enough at the end of the flight to be a little friendly with cute little family next door. I smiled and help the 1 year repetitively pull out the air phone enough and slam me in the knee. They were nice people. He seemed like a sweet Dad and had a kind eyes and a interesting irish accent. She wore cute pants and moved out of the way when i needed to pee. Thanks cute couple. I appreciate that. I particularly appreciate that you kept your kid busy running up and down the aisle and thus prevented further episodes of screaming. That must have taken alot of work. Good effort. Also, thanks for reminding me why never to have kids. (Got that D?)
3. My video camera appears to still be broken. I thought for sure after making a last minute on the spot decision to check that bag i was doomed. I fretted and fretted all the way.
4. 2 little dollars got me this nifty little luggage cart that i can wheel my shiat around. The wheels are big and it moves real good with minimal effort. weeeee.
5. I wheeled around and around the baggage carriages until i found my own little bench next to plug where i plugged in my cell phone, this here laptop and charged up my camcorder
6. I’m stealing electricity from The Man which makes me happy. Particularly because the mans has close ties to United Airlines. That makes me happy. Very very happy.
7. D is probably just tired and in pain. He actually probably still likes me. I guess. Maybe he just doesn’t like talking on the phone.
8. I get to write my woes away with this post.
9. I resisted buying a Starbucks which demonstrated great frugality.
10. I’ve only spent 2 dollars today (on the cart. but i sorta needed that so that doesn’t really count does it?)
11. I don’t know for sure but i don’t think the coffee mugs broke
12. Since the Mr. is here, i’ll be able to give it to him today. That will make him happy
13. Only 4 minutes until 2:00 and i’ll get this nerve-wracking show on the road
14. i just realized i’m hungry. yay. that’s good news. i will try to re-establish listening to physical hunger as opposed to emotional..... i’m glad i’ve waited to eat though i’ve been sitting here for hours surrounded by goodies


ok, better go...

more soon!

hugs!

Indigo