Will wonders ever cease? My parents called. My Dad with his (now) characteristic enthusiasm gushed, "We've bought a Christmas present for David!!!" And wanted to be sure before our imminent Xmas visit, D didn't duplicate the purchase for himself. Ever since we flew back there for my cousin's wedding last month and the 3 met, my parents seem to have become inexplicably, utterly enamored. Maybe not such a puzzlement had you not been privied to the history of my relationship with my parents and our rocky, emotional estrangement. But, bearing that relative disaffection in mind, the pure bazarr0-ness of this becomes painfully clear. It makes no sense! Why are they not angy, shaming, and suspicious?! For god's sake, they know we live together! And yet they (dare i say "proudly?!!!) introduced him to my extended family at the wedding the day after they became acquainted - including the fundamentalist Christians! My Dad repeatedly and furiously pumped Dave's hand up and down, looked deeply in his eyes and with tremendous earnestness mooed, "We are so glad to meet you Dave." And added how much they appreciated "You bringing Indigo here to see us. "
We were giddy. Though taken aback and highly confused. Suspicious even.
When we returned to our lovely hotel, we were left with one prevailing question, "Who are these people and and what have they done with my parents?" The fun call today confirmed it; this affliction appears to be lasting?!
Oct 31, 2004
Oct 30, 2004
Oct 28, 2004
I'm in a foul mood. The "little" things that are the past, recoil. I have an impossibly difficult time letting go. I dwell. I harbor. I unfairly blame. (Internally) Then in a moment, they inexplicably burble and reguritate their distasteful presence in my mind, lingering and polluting my mental peace. Make it go away! The worries the fears the anger.
Horizontal Boycott
Ok. Its 8:40am and i will now go to bed. Grudgingly. Why? Have you ever felt yourself resistant to sleep despite fatigue? What is that about?! I'm hoping that by pushing bedtime farther every night/er.. morning/uh..afternoonish.., that eventually i'll have made a complete turnaround and be back to normal.... The urge to ward off sleep seems to be getting worse every day.
Living In Stasis
Time is passing fast though we are "doing" nothing. Nothing at all. Haven't been out of the studio for 3 days save the walk down the street to pick up our takeout pasta tonight. That makes for several consecutive months of being together 24/7. A significant transition from being so alone for so many years.
Its a strange time/space we're in now. If it wasn't for the label on my birth control pills, i'd have no idea what day it is! How long will this last, this odd existance, and how strange will it be when it changes? (IE: When we get jobs and he's feeling better.) Will our lifestyle alteration dramatically affect our relationship in the abscense of constant undivided Us Time? Will we appreciate each other more, or less? And similarly, when will we go to Spain? What will it be like to return from 3 months of Europe? Who will we be as a couple in 6 months, a year, a decade?
Many unknowns.
But it's ok, we're taking it one step at a time.
The weather has turned abruptly and i felt it zinging my nose and cheeks walking down the street tonight. Or, at least, it feels abrupt having just left 5 years of summer while living in Hawaii. I was terribly alarmed when it dropped below 75. And now 45 is an entirely new reality! The charred, crispy smell evoked childhood memories of trick-or-treating and falling colored leaves. I liked it.
Its a strange time/space we're in now. If it wasn't for the label on my birth control pills, i'd have no idea what day it is! How long will this last, this odd existance, and how strange will it be when it changes? (IE: When we get jobs and he's feeling better.) Will our lifestyle alteration dramatically affect our relationship in the abscense of constant undivided Us Time? Will we appreciate each other more, or less? And similarly, when will we go to Spain? What will it be like to return from 3 months of Europe? Who will we be as a couple in 6 months, a year, a decade?
Many unknowns.
But it's ok, we're taking it one step at a time.
The weather has turned abruptly and i felt it zinging my nose and cheeks walking down the street tonight. Or, at least, it feels abrupt having just left 5 years of summer while living in Hawaii. I was terribly alarmed when it dropped below 75. And now 45 is an entirely new reality! The charred, crispy smell evoked childhood memories of trick-or-treating and falling colored leaves. I liked it.
Oct 26, 2004
Privacy
What role does "privacy" have in your personal relationship? What is it even? Do feel you need privacy from your partner? Does your partner have a right to keep things private from you? How do you feel about that? How do you relate to the concept of privacy and what does it mean to you?
Reckless Stunt or Artistic Genius?
He lost 63 pounds for the role. From 184 pounds to 121. The gaunt, waking dead Christian Bale was not under the care of a doctor, nor concerned about his health. Though he barely had the energy to speak, he found it entertaining and compared it to being in a "zen like space." Though his vertebrate/bones protuded, and eye sockets sunken, he felt confidant he would be fine. During the course of the movie, he daily diet consisted of some coffee and sometimes an apple "if [he] felt like it." A scene requiring he consume some chicken, distressed him since, he noted, just a few bites would appear alarmingly on his gaunt face, thus foiling his hard-earned anorexic progress. Now, its all the media buzz, and Bale joins the elite ranks of like minded Hollywood contortionists such as Robert DeNiro, who conversely gained 6o pounds fTom Hanks, with a 50 pound weight loss for Castaway abd Charlize Cheron with a 43 pound gain for Monster - coincidentally? all academy award winners/nominees.
What do you think about actors/public figures dramatically contriving their bodies for the sake of a flick? IE: Renee Zellweger gaining 20 pounds for Bridget Jones generously "normalizing" her "Movie Star Body." Or what about Morgan Spurlock, who went on a 3 square McDonalds meal a day diet for the puporse of his creating his documentaray Super Size Me.
In about 30 days, he gained about as many pounds and apparantely alarmed his doctors so serverely, they were practically begging him on camera to stop his madness, comparing the liver damage being done to his once fit body to that of what might result from years of raging alcoholism.
What do you think about actors/public figures dramatically contriving their bodies for the sake of a flick? IE: Renee Zellweger gaining 20 pounds for Bridget Jones generously "normalizing" her "Movie Star Body." Or what about Morgan Spurlock, who went on a 3 square McDonalds meal a day diet for the puporse of his creating his documentaray Super Size Me.
In about 30 days, he gained about as many pounds and apparantely alarmed his doctors so serverely, they were practically begging him on camera to stop his madness, comparing the liver damage being done to his once fit body to that of what might result from years of raging alcoholism.
I think its creepy.
And dangerous.
Both for them and us seein' as how impressionable we public are, and how already terribly inclined towards eating disorders. The modern day relationship to food is generally odd anyway, don't you think? What the hell is packaged food about anyway? And preservatives? And, think about the concept of candy; consuming something that does absolutely nothing for the body nutritionally? How weird IS that when u think about it? So, why can't our bodies figure it out and reject it the way we'd reject eating the wall or a piece of carpet. Like, "Duh! There's no need to eat that Indigo!!" Instead, i contend with constant demonic cravings......
And dangerous.
Both for them and us seein' as how impressionable we public are, and how already terribly inclined towards eating disorders. The modern day relationship to food is generally odd anyway, don't you think? What the hell is packaged food about anyway? And preservatives? And, think about the concept of candy; consuming something that does absolutely nothing for the body nutritionally? How weird IS that when u think about it? So, why can't our bodies figure it out and reject it the way we'd reject eating the wall or a piece of carpet. Like, "Duh! There's no need to eat that Indigo!!" Instead, i contend with constant demonic cravings......
Oct 25, 2004
7:03 am
D: sleeping a few feet away
Me: browsing the net on my lap in this lovely green velvet chair while taking a break from double digit hours of playing The Game
I hate going to sleep! i can't bring myself to do it!!
arg!
i'm tired, but don't want to sleep
feel like eating, but won't
did i mention i've lost 20 pounds in the past few months? (without dieting). i had a hunch something was happening as it seemed my rotund cheeks were deflating, my upper abdomen was losing curve and there felt an unfamiliar lightness when moving. kind-o-neat... Hope not to sabatoge it though once the loss begins to sink in. in the real world, thin-ness is scary to me. -The lusting gawks and invasive stares. -Boundaries permeated and inner world punctured. That aside, 100 more pounds would be ideal - particularly if they were to come off in the same fashion.... Through happiness, self-love and self-expression. Identifying and accepting feelings. 30 has been a year of restoration. What will 31 be come November, i wonder?
i never would have predicted a loving relationship could happen to me. I worry i'll lose it all the time. for a while i was afraid to leave the apt knowing i was bound to be hit by a bus. lately though, its appearing to be quite real. and he and i are settling into the concept that, maybe, just maybe, we're allowed to be happy and it will stay. sometimes i catch myself staring at him and tearing up - overcome with emotion. i try to identify what it is; joy? fear? sorr0w? intense gratitude? affection? Probably all of those.
he stirred. am i waking him?
i become particulary emotional when he's ill, lying still, grimacing in pain. my mind wanders; he doesn't expect to live past his 50's? that's less than 30 years. i'd wouldn't survive losing him. it can't be true. will a cure for diabetes be found soon? what's going to happen to him? its not fair. and how does one survive their lover being stolen by death? how did d survive it two years ago? how does that affect us now? every time i get a snack, the picture of them above the fridge reminds me of the unpredictable, fragile nature of life. it reminds me of the preciousness of the day. to not take him, and us for granted. i insist on kissing him each time we part company and chime out constantly throughout the day noting my boundless affections. its easy to waste life energy on arguments and fear, when really, put in another perspective those things would simply fade away.
he brings meaning to my small, simple life. he's opened up possibilites for the future that never existed. a new landscape of hope stretches wide before us.
its been a long time since i've i've felt this way
D: sleeping a few feet away
Me: browsing the net on my lap in this lovely green velvet chair while taking a break from double digit hours of playing The Game
I hate going to sleep! i can't bring myself to do it!!
arg!
i'm tired, but don't want to sleep
feel like eating, but won't
did i mention i've lost 20 pounds in the past few months? (without dieting). i had a hunch something was happening as it seemed my rotund cheeks were deflating, my upper abdomen was losing curve and there felt an unfamiliar lightness when moving. kind-o-neat... Hope not to sabatoge it though once the loss begins to sink in. in the real world, thin-ness is scary to me. -The lusting gawks and invasive stares. -Boundaries permeated and inner world punctured. That aside, 100 more pounds would be ideal - particularly if they were to come off in the same fashion.... Through happiness, self-love and self-expression. Identifying and accepting feelings. 30 has been a year of restoration. What will 31 be come November, i wonder?
i never would have predicted a loving relationship could happen to me. I worry i'll lose it all the time. for a while i was afraid to leave the apt knowing i was bound to be hit by a bus. lately though, its appearing to be quite real. and he and i are settling into the concept that, maybe, just maybe, we're allowed to be happy and it will stay. sometimes i catch myself staring at him and tearing up - overcome with emotion. i try to identify what it is; joy? fear? sorr0w? intense gratitude? affection? Probably all of those.
he stirred. am i waking him?
i become particulary emotional when he's ill, lying still, grimacing in pain. my mind wanders; he doesn't expect to live past his 50's? that's less than 30 years. i'd wouldn't survive losing him. it can't be true. will a cure for diabetes be found soon? what's going to happen to him? its not fair. and how does one survive their lover being stolen by death? how did d survive it two years ago? how does that affect us now? every time i get a snack, the picture of them above the fridge reminds me of the unpredictable, fragile nature of life. it reminds me of the preciousness of the day. to not take him, and us for granted. i insist on kissing him each time we part company and chime out constantly throughout the day noting my boundless affections. its easy to waste life energy on arguments and fear, when really, put in another perspective those things would simply fade away.
he brings meaning to my small, simple life. he's opened up possibilites for the future that never existed. a new landscape of hope stretches wide before us.
its been a long time since i've i've felt this way
Oct 23, 2004
Guess what!
I cooked this year!!!!
4 times this week, to be exact. Yes, D inspires me to new domestic heights it seems. I may be worried? I'll see if it persists, and then let you know.
4 times this week, to be exact. Yes, D inspires me to new domestic heights it seems. I may be worried? I'll see if it persists, and then let you know.
Question
If, by chance, someone happened to play a video game for say, 8 hours or more a day on an ongoing basis, would that be considered an "addiction" per se?
Um.
Just curious.
Um.
Just curious.
Absorbed
with very little keeping me above ground
Hopes all but extinguished
When one twist
opened the 5D door
and together we fondeled the unknwon
daring to unzip our pasts
And relinquish them for something better
together
alien & awkward
needing to retreat
to shrink
you gripped me in delicate arms
leaving me
transfixed
Adrift
swept inside moments
and intoxicating grins
so affected
so lost in you
Oct 20, 2004
Do-Over?
I think if i start writing again i'll appear to be a weanie. And an indecisive one at that. But then again, if the shoe fits.......
But i just can't seem to help myelf. This experience speaks to me, calls me, this blog-thing....
Perhaps just a word or two once in a while, we'll see where it goes....
But i just can't seem to help myelf. This experience speaks to me, calls me, this blog-thing....
Perhaps just a word or two once in a while, we'll see where it goes....
Oct 6, 2004
Jealousy
Rearing its rancid, festering head
Supposedly its a quality of my astrological sign, which was supposed to be of some comfort, since D's sign suggests he'd find it more endearing than offensive. But still, its not so cool. Sometimes its awful. Its ugly. Its sickness. Its evil.
He watches beautiful women on TV and it becomes unnerving. Is he lusting? Does he want them? Does he wish he could make me like them; their fabricated faces, and flawless done-up doos?
Beauty is on the inside. Is it? Who believes that?
But he loves me. I can tell it more every day. The way he's looking at me. Holding my hand. Smiling in my direction for no particular reason. He does. And i love him- more every day. So much so it feels like ill explode. I can't release him from my hold.
I am happy. Consistantly happy. Day after day of happy. It doesn't seem to subside. After several months, it appears not to be a fluke.
I'm excited about life. I've begun to imagine things working out. For me. For him. For us. Is this a dangerous state to entertain?
Supposedly its a quality of my astrological sign, which was supposed to be of some comfort, since D's sign suggests he'd find it more endearing than offensive. But still, its not so cool. Sometimes its awful. Its ugly. Its sickness. Its evil.
He watches beautiful women on TV and it becomes unnerving. Is he lusting? Does he want them? Does he wish he could make me like them; their fabricated faces, and flawless done-up doos?
Beauty is on the inside. Is it? Who believes that?
But he loves me. I can tell it more every day. The way he's looking at me. Holding my hand. Smiling in my direction for no particular reason. He does. And i love him- more every day. So much so it feels like ill explode. I can't release him from my hold.
I am happy. Consistantly happy. Day after day of happy. It doesn't seem to subside. After several months, it appears not to be a fluke.
I'm excited about life. I've begun to imagine things working out. For me. For him. For us. Is this a dangerous state to entertain?
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