It's a new year, it's a new decade.
I want to say my identity is taking on a metamorphoses, but I'm a little scared to commit this to writing for risk of jinxing myself; so concerned about jinxing myself. I never thought I was superstitious before - but, a life of "defeats" will get you to a place of self-protection; years of lowered expectations to ward off disappointment. You can't fail if you don't try? No, not trying is a failure in of itself. And where has it led? To years of low to high grade dissatisfaction, depression and unfulfilled potential. More recently, it has neared a critical mass that has disrupted my foundation. I've reflected; am I still a positive person? Optimistic? Idealistic? If not, than who I am? Not liking my outside has been a given since childhood, but now do I even like who I am on the inside anymore? Lately, I found myself disgusted all the time and I although I've continued to behave NICE, I wasn't sure if I truly was nice. Can I live with this? Do I want to be nice? If not, then what does this mean about who I've become? I've blamed it on my inability to weather the deleterious influence of New York culture; cynicism, aggression, coldness. But is this fair? Blaming empowers the external, and weakens my resolve.
And than I started working out. 1 hour+ before work. 1 hour after. Then like magic, I had no desire for processed junk food. Then like magic, I counted calories. And reading about nutrition and success. And yet, it doesn't hurt. I'm haven't sabotaged my success and I'm not feeling deprived. I feel stronger, and I have energy. I feel lighter in body and spirit. I "can" function in ways that have felt impossible for years - completing common domestic duties which I've neglected for years upon years; not without daily agonizing self admonishments. 's almost like a someone flipped a switch. I am
So.
So.
Proud.
But my first week into month two, I'm trying to hold back and contain some fear.
Is this real?
Is it going to last?
Can I, will I allow myself to realize my potential?
