Blogging Again?

There was a time, long before most people had heard of "blogging",  that I wrote here daily.  I made it very easy on myself.  It didn't matter what I wrote,  or the quality of what I wrote.   My goal was simply to get in the daily practice of recording my thoughts.  Raw.  To let go of judgement.  And of agendas.  And expectations.  The result was a free-er mind, and more genuine words.  Straight from the heart.  Inevitably, it became a therapeutic process - one that I began to look forward to.

That was a great time that I think of often.   At that time I was single.  And quite alone.   Anonymity freed me to be unhinged, direct, and impolite.  I wrote as swiftly as I thought.  I feel like the only reason (which is a big reason) I don't take it up again is that I am no longer single and now feel an obligation to censor my thoughts and feelings in a way that protects him.  It's not that I have terrible things to hide, it's just that, full-scale uninhibited ranting takes on a new meaning when there are real life people involved. How is he supposed to know what is true, and what is dramatic license?   It seems like now, the effects of revealing every single passing thought could be disastrous?

On the other hand, I miss that freedom.  That truth.  That quality, therapeutic "me" time.  I miss sharing and connecting with my (few) readers.  

So, a dilemma.  What do I do?

Hamster Wheel

I hate repeating myself.   And I can only imagine how many times I've done that here.   And as I contemplate another post, after all of these years, I wonder just how much of it will be just more of the same - revealing how little I've grown or changed at all.  Pixels upon pixels of the same ol' self-absorption.  Same ol' self-pittying.  Same ol' cycles of depression and stagnation sprinkled with rainbow flavored delusion, chocolate covered self-grandeur and unicorn balls of hope.  HE tells me that I'm NOT bipolar   I, however, am unconvinced.

What is the Guinness Book World Record for longest identity crisis ever experienced?  Because I may be a contender.   This past year has been dominated by self-inquiry - the kind that I've been doing since childhood.   Who am I?  What am I good at?  What should I be doing?  How am I going to get there?  How do I decide?  What do I do first?  Where do I start?

I'm still looking for a mentor.   A social network.   Family.  Friends.   Well, technically they do exist, but not the real life kind.  Well, they are real, but they are not PRESENT outside of emails and the internetz.   I miss people.  Human beings. In real life form.  Before me. In all their touchable, smell-able glory.  People to give hugs!  And to laugh with.  Out loud, in my ears.  Where I can hear them.

Most days, it's just he and I.  In this studio, with our wiener.  Occasionally, when I have to, I will walk to the store, anxiously averting eyecontact, and shuffling home with my pink backpack filled with his diet coke.

We returned our leased Toyota Camry to the dealership last month since I still haven't found a job and Unemployment is millimeters from the end.   I did finally start applying for jobs in earnest last month.  As many as I could find, I sent my resume and cover letter to.  I've received 3 calls and had an interview last week.   I left the office as high as a kite - feeling stoked.

"Nailed it." I texted him.

I was certain I had charmed them to pieces.  I wanted to be their best friends.  For sure they couldn't wait to work with me.  I had so much to offer!   That night the doubts started creeping in.   Was I TOO confident?   Did I talk TOO much?   Was I fooling myself?  And then I couldn't sleep, replaying all of the moments again and again and again.  Soon, my fear-machine transmogrified my favorite moments into daggers to the heart!  "What was I thinking?"  "Who did I think I was?!"

Oy vey.   The neurosis!

Enough!

Snap out of it!

And back to TV.  Reading Facebook updates.   Compulsive Gems with Friends.  Sleeping 12 hours.  And TV.  Reading Facebook updates.   Compulsive Gems with Friends.  Sleeping 12 hours.  And Gems with Friends.