Looking for the light

Sudden Changes

So, it's a long gruesome story.   After starting from nothing and working my way from temp secretary to director in 6 years I was fired without cause.  There was an uproar at the institution and the faculty came together to protest on my behalf to no avail.  Sociopaths can not be reasoned with as chaos is their goal.   I was shocked.  Furious.  Hurt.  And now mainly depressed.  Where to go from here?  I have a strong inclination to go under the covers.   I'd begun to see this field as my first real "career", but I'm so disgusted I feel repulsed by trying again.  And what will I tell potential new employers in an interview?  The shame.  The shame.  It goes beyond merely employment to affect my worldview?  How can such injustice occur?   If this can happen, how can I work for ANYONE again?  Perhaps now is the time for me to launch my dream of being a self-employed entrepreneur.   Can I do it?  Do I have the confidence?  The drive?  The vision?  The discipline?  I vacillate in fear.   After 6 years of living in New York, back to the drawing board.

In the meanwhile, my meager attempt to keep my head above water has taken physical form.  I've begun jogging again (which I had started last December but discontinued since Summer due to the high demands and long work hours of the job).   At least now (hallelujah), this is the bright side.  Never will I be required to tolerate the insanity of that toxic, soul crunching environment.  I am FREE!  Thank god for that.   So, for now, this is at least one area of my life within my control that I can make positive.  I am without income, can not affect or help D's relentless pain, am fairly isolated, but, I can run, and read, eat healthy, lose weight and get in shape.  In fact, i have my eyes on a marathon.  May seem over-ambitious since I barely ran 4 miles in 60 minutes last night, but why couldn't it be achievable in 11 months?   In the process, I'd like to achieve losing the second half of my 100 pound weight loss.    In fact, I may start a blog dedicated to this....  I mean, it's SOMETHING, right?   Right now, I just have to hold on to something.

The Years Keep Creeping On

I'm 37??????!!!  How can that be??!   It doesn't seem right.  What does it mean?  That number seems far to big.  Look at me.  Still here, with the same sophomoric rants and egocentric laments.   I don't act or feel like what i think should be 37.   When someone on tv is revealed to be 37, I am shocked - they look so old - but they're just like me?!   So perplexing. Figuring out how and who to be.   Mold myself into what I believe to be appropriate age 37 behavior?    I think I may be intellectually stunted.