Guess what? I weighed myself here and discovered i've lost 35 pounds. 35 pounds! I suspected i'd lost something, but whoa! That's alot! I'm pretty tickled since i haven't been "dieting" per se. More-so, it seems to be evidence that after years of hard work, my eating disorder has (dare i say?) difinitively subsided. Amazing. Shocking. Thrilling. Hard to believe. And i am SO grateful. So deeply awed and grateful.
Wow.

So, guess where i am? Out of state visiting the folks for 11 days! D bought the ticket. Pretty nice? No? I think so. This will be by far the longest stretch i will have seen them in over 10 years. I've been anxious; ie; nervous, but so far, its been remarkably smooth. There's been lots of activity (well, for my typically catatonic-self, not for a normal person, that is.) And there will be lots more of activity to come with visitng relatives, cooking and shopping and whatnot.

My folks have an incredible home on the water. Immaculate. And beautifully decorated. Huge open spaces with wood floors and persian carpets. Endless wide windows overlooking the sea. Lovely works of art; colored glass, figurines, rich jewel tonedTu rk ish wall hangings, gold leafed mirrors and exotic lamps. Its bright and spacious. Spotless. And just all around pleasant to be in. Far far far from the home i grew up in. (Dark and cramped. Clausterphopic and opressive.) Its like a dream home.

Relationships

This is an interesting article that speaks to me.

This article makes me shiver. Its difficult to (for sake of argument) to flip-flop my perspective to that of the "cheator's", if only for the sake of understanding. There's something about it that deeply disturbs me.


What do YOU think? I'm interested to know....

What I Like

peaches, peas on the pod,

laughing, holding hands, being touched

sparkling things: gems, glitter, sequins, crystal

deep luscious rich exotic colors, burguny, turquoise, pure snow white

Fluffy doggies, kittens, horses

sexy boots, scarves, bold jewlrey, funky vintage bohemian clothes

magic, mystery, romance

internet and surfing

music, dancing, composing, singing, rythm, tap dancing, indian dance, MIDI composition, guitar

long hair, art, painting, drawing, being girly and masculine,

tall men, loving people, sensitivity, kindness, warmth

strong woman, political activism, believing and working for a cause, truth, honesty, openness and communication

snow, falling leaves

random smiles from strangers

warm lattes, eggnog

losing weight from hard emotional work and effort

"that look" - when i catch d staring at me at me and smiling

writing (here)

the theater

Alias,


etc & to be continued

Update

Arg.
Sorry.
Didn't mean to worry anyone. The comments from Emily reminded me that perhaps i have a responsibility to those few (incredibly cool) people that do stop by here regularly, to not be careless with my words. I guess there's both benefits and harm of publishing stream-of-conscious thoughts as the print, er, pixograms may or may not fully, adequately represent the whole story.

Anyway, I'm (we're) much better now. But not without a considerable amount of distress. I ought to elaborate. But, somehow, i just don't want to. Maybe rehashing it here upsets me. I'd like to not think or remember it at all, in a way. It's still way too uncomfortable right now.

But i will close this post with a comment i left on Mesa's site a few days ago. Ironic?

I think women are often trained to keep things inside. We're molded to smooth things over and pretend things are okay. We're taught that anger is unattractive and "unladylike" and otherwise should not exist. The problem is, everyone gets angry. Conflicts are inevitable. Disagreements are a part of everyday life. So, what are we to do when we have a feeling that we are ashamed of but nonetheless is there? Its a set-up! And only compounds the painful feelings, when really, it could be so much simpler; we can have our heart to heart, share our feelings, reconnect and re-establish just how much we love and care about each other..

Try not to be so hard on eachother, and just as importnatly yourselves. Hang in there! Despite the communication difficulties, its obvious in your writings, that you both care about each other alot.
Time for that heart-to-heart!

Dear T

Are you still up?


I need help. I am very angry/hurt and don't know what to do.

It would be nice to talk, if you're not busy....



sorry to be so needy, but i really value your wisdom/perspective and could really use some of that right now before i do something rash. (ie: take off, leave, get a motel, run away for good, O.D., etc)

i suspect its not even a big deal, but the rage is just overwhelming me. choking me. i can't stand it and feel helpless to do anything about it.

Burning

I am mad.
Raging.
Disgusted.
Pissed.
Outraged.
Furious.
Paralyzed. My stomach is in knots. I can feel the presence of impending tears. My chest is doing flip flops. I think i am going to throw up.
I want to run away.
Fuck it and be gone.
How dare he. How could he. What the hell.
Now what do i do.
There is nothing i can do.
Nothing to be said.
No where to go.
Nothing to think.
Its all useless.
It will do no good.
I won't be heard.
The tears will reap no reward.
In fact, expressing my feelings as i was so bold (though terrified) to do yesterday led to many times the cataclysm and an entire day of pain, teaching me well to keep my mouth shut.
No, there will be nothing to turn back time and make it go away now. He's done it and that's that. Permantly emblazened as a chip in my freshly repaired heart. Why should he have to answer to me, afterall. "Its the principle" I don't own him.
I am helpless.
Hurt.
And once again alone in my pain.

Confrontation is scary. I shake and feel afraid. My eyes well up and i want to fall down or run away in hysterics.

But i know i must do it. I must speak my truth. If i learned anything over the past year of outpatient eating disorder treatment, it is that; that if i am to live, i must find a way to identify and express my emotion. To counter depression, I must turn anger out instead of inwards.

Give me strength. i must push on despite being afraid