dreams just now:

(typing with eyes closed:)

mom and i are standing on a cliff thousands of feet above the ocean. i think i see whales below and try look but feel dizzy and am scared of slipping. i ask her, do you see? she looks over, but does not. i lie flat on my stomach and look again. i'm excited and feel an urgency to see them... she trys again. while standing leans over. it seems she's more able to control herself and its not as scary/ hard as for me. i'm terrifed i will lose my balance and tumble over. within an instant i see that she is plunging below and is allready just a speck. she is gone. my heart breaks and i instnatly follow her and jump, thinking, i can't let her be alone. ambulances will never find her, it will be too late. if anything can be done to help her, which is doubtbul, the only chance would be now, and so i follow. i doubt either of us will survive but i can't imagine at least living with the pain of at least not trying. at least we will die together.
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parents are living in a large/mansion like home. i visit briefly. my dad is putting me down, attacking me, insulting and barraging me with unfair irrational rude criticisms. i yell back to defend myself and decide to take off. i hear him continuing on about me through the door/wall/window and i turn around and return through the front door to rebutt is assanine insults. i am furious. mom says a couple, meak, "well, not ALWAYS" but its not convincing. she never stands up for me. i feel venomous hate in the moment while always being aware that i will soon feel guilty after the dispute... i speed off in my vehicle
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i have a date with michael jackson. hes a nice, firendly down to earth guy. easy to talk to and normal despite the media hype and rumors. its good fun. i like him
_________________________________--
there's a magic field with various plants and mushrooms, patches of dirt, shrubbery, spirits, energy areas, and is to be set up on a date with a young, doctor. i think he seems interesting, but she's not so impressed.

i am holding a crying baby. it's j's i think. there are many people around. the baby crys and crya and then suddenly stops and go stills. i think i've killed it and am scared. a woman next to me says that's silly and exclaims its just sleeping! ok.

after this, the event begins. that doctor guy will be there and i am excited to "see him" it is some sort of fundraising even. 8 people get in costumes and what not on the street corner to attract attention. he and i are dressed up like lions. there are 3 middleaged, heavy women who, on cue, race across the street in unison, all wearing hideous tight orange costumes, the tgl is one of them

i'm in the restroom with papers and a calculator and bottle of pills. i'm trying to calculate how many pills i need to take. i borrowed the calculator from the group home. i have out 4 iplls to take but they fall back into the container that is filled iwth water and begin dissolving. i fish to get them out and it is a big mess. i put the half dissolved once back in and take out the handful of unwet ones. a staff comes in the pulic restroom looking for the calcultor. from behind the stall i volunteer before getting in trouble, "i have it!!" and i feel their suspicion. i push it out under the stall for them.
________________________----
with the encouragement of parents i buy a big white jeep like lexus. again, it drives fast and feels uncontrollable. it is raining outside and hard to see. but the fancy lexus windshield wipers work great and clear it, momentarily.. i have friends with me. anj is one, i think. i feell excited but slightly concerned about the spontaneous decision. its nice to have such a tremendous nice quality thing that i never though i could have. but i know it will soom (by tommorw) be quite a burden ... in the moment though, i used the excuse as my parents encouragement to just go for it. by them agreeeing, it made it ok.

And I am at home.
Racing. So much to say because so much to contemplate. Where to begin?
I'm afraid i might miss some, and my new explosive desire to record every detail foiled. I am suddenly so fascinating. I hang on my every thought. Let there be no bit unexplored.. I will excavate & reveal it all, immune to protests and accusations of illusions of grandeur. For each insult i will push inside out like an aloha shirt and reveal the cavities to be not only unashamedd, but reveling in the exposure! "Yesss," i will say sweetly, " I AM self-absorbed," and grinning triumphantly add "aren't you?!"

Its just all so terribly fascinating. The more I listen to my thoughts, the more i hear they have to say. Suddenly, i am hungry, starved to hear more, to hear all, and record them here. I'm making more and more mental notes. "Oh. I'll have to blog that!" "And that!" And i begin to construct the sentences in my mind, strategizing for my next shot on a computer.

Maybe i'll get a laptop and carry it with my everywhere i go. Maybe i'll want to write so much that that will be all that i do, all day long; interact, write, observe, write, buy a slurpee, write. write about the slurpee texture and slurpee taste and the middleaged 711 clerk who handed me my change and the spikes in her purple hair. Yeah! How about that?

Pretty soon, i will be writing so much with such frequency, the gap between thoughts and blog will become so minimzed, that the blog WILL be my thoughts, and i will be an extension of my blog and my brain and being my blog. Uhohcouldbegoingcrazy. wahaha

Isn't that what the whole recent "Reality TV" craze is all about afterall? This fascinating hunger for "real" lives? What is it about observing even the mundane (allbeait glitzed up in quick-cuts w/ a bumping score, and edited to emphasize conflict) that has become such a phenomenon? What does this speak to culturally, sociologically (is that a conjugation?), philosophically? When out of harmony, there innately lies an urge towards reintegration.

Bathroom break

Back. A THOUGHT. Is there a correspondence between this energetic excitement, this gush of thought to my moon time which began today? COOL!!!!!!

Where was I?

When out of harmony, there innately lies an urge towards reintegration, (i think.) And America is sour with sickness; alienation. And the disease is a pervasive one, both severe and deadly. How many of your friends/acquaintance/relatives/coworkers/loved ones are (often secretly) on anti-depressants? How many struggle to fill their pit of despair? Alcohol, sex, sports, "relationships", TV, food, video games, work - ANYTHING to absorb the time and space and contain it. But a sponge can only hold so much before leaking, and every day the cracks in this illusive dream visible.

We naturally are driven towards an antidote, something that resembles the connectedness we all long for and are designed to enjoy. Do we see it? Not actively. Modernists that we are, we are well-conditioned animals that now wash in machines, cook in a buttoned boxes, and suck away our shit in pipes - invisiblizing its very existence with aerosol sprays - so why should we imagine a need to find "it"? It ought to just be here, now. Why look for something that isn't defined as a problem? The unchallenged glory of America is its independence and individuality after all! To otherwise address it would be heresy!

Besides, its so much easier to eat a Twinkie and flip on "Friends." I can get by today. Jump from diversion to diversion and make it to sleep. I think.

We are alive, but are we living?
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 12:10 AM Thursday, April 29, 2004

I think this would be a time when I would eat without being hungry. I wonder what that pull is. Is there an underlying emotion? Tension?
Part of me is now feeling resentful about being here maybe. Unappreciated. Restricted. Unable to fully provide an awesome job because i need to now restrict my hours, per the owner. What can i possibly accomplish in 12 hours a week? It's so frustrating. 40 hours would barely touch this place its so far behind. 6 years of no upkeep has taken a disasaterous toll. I understand that he's concerned about money and is a frugal man. But, why can't he see the long-term value and make the investment? Damm its frustrating. Having to hold back. Maybe it kicks in my black & white thinking; if i can't do it perfect, than why bother. Adjusting is difficult.
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 9:00 PM

I just can't get going today at the office. My mind feels stop and go. Jolted. Fragmented. Can't get going. Like continually pulling the string of a lawnmower.
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 8:57 PM

Its so nice to be around a family. I like to pretend its mine. The owner, the owner's nephew, the nephew's girlfried, the owner's brother and his two sons all live in the same house. Tonight when the sun went down, the brother, who loves to cook, fired up a barbeque and threw down some Hui Hui chicken & spicy porkchops on the deck. We sat under the stars, our paperplates of goodies lit by two citronella candles, and their two cute little doggies scampering about our feet. I just loved it. Its a mellow party everynight there; rock music, beer, and kids playing catch. What more could you want in life?
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 4:10 AM Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Maybe part of my disjointedness is my whacked hours; staying up until 4am, waking up late, running home, falling asleep again. Today i slept past my alarm at work until 845am! DANGER! Precariously close to running into the staff meeting! Then accidently snoozed at home half-clothed and didn't reemerge until nearly noon. Panicked, I showered and raced to my car to see if I had another parking ticket to add to my other $1000 worth. (I didn't. Thank GODDESS) So, its kinda still morning for me then. (even though its afternoon) I guess lots of people are groggy for the first couple hours of the day.
i need to work on my schedule.
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 9:11 PM

I just came from an emotional group tonight. Now here at work (group home) Can't type much because my coworker just arrived from picking up a client. But felt like a day of movement. Maybe moving towards growth. I hope. Many feelings were evoked. Fear/anger/hurt/shame/frustration....

I shared that I have been blogging. I felt it to be poorly received. Instead of sharing my celebration and excitement, it seemed i was judged/and warned of the danger of a certain situation. I didn't like it but didn't know how far i should pursue/argue my perspective. It hurt that I was misunderstood. I maybe regret mentioning it. My secret unhonored. My vulnerability exposed. One member in particular seems to be "attacking" me though subtly. I felt judged and put down but had done nothing wrong and didn't deserve it. What right to people have to interject their expectations on me, my belief systems and thoughts. They don't. I think its fair game to have reactions to each other and express feelings, but in that, I feel there's an obligation to claim those feelings as your own, and not project them onto someone else. That said, my challenge is learning how to not be overwhelmed, overtaken and disempowered by other peoples thoughts/beliefs. Just because I may be disapproved of, disliked or even despised, I need to be able to resist that. Otherwise, I will continually tiptoe through life avoiding conflict, other's dissastifaction and really, people altogether. Yes that's it. Absolutely. I avoid people because I feel my personal boundaries to be so penetrable, that i can not withstand their thoughts. Their criticism. The slightest of provocation, or even perception of such leaves me in rubble. I'll explore this more later...

Feeling highly fearful in general the past couple weeks. The facilitator interpreted that has a fear of vulnerability, to which is clearly true. I feel a tremendous urge to run, hide, cover myself completely, go invisible and be anywhere but there. Its painfully strong. I described the feeling in my body; There's a tightness in my chest. I clench my hands and arms together. My hands are sweating and a I pull my legs together and up. Everything feels tight and i feel tense and afraid. Yet there is "no reason." (Consciously at that moment.) Of course there is much more to the picture which I look forward to discovering. I'm enjoying observing the experience and the facilitator offered an nice opportunity to explore further tonight. I appreciate that.

I woke up late at work (9am) and am freaked out that the staff will return to the house. (I usually time-it just right, and sneak out of the house when the staff departs to drive the girls to school. That way, I don't have to interact at all, and it perpetuates the illusion that i am still teaching school during the days. I fear if they know my teaching job has ended, they may begin to ask/demand that i work on-line shifts instead of my lovely sleeper evening shift. I want deeply to avoid that. And them. I would run out now, but i realized that i have no clothes to wear because i fell asleep last night with them in the washing machine and am desparately drying them as I type! HURRY HURRY HURRY HURRY HURRY DRYER! DRY DRY DRY! THE CLOCK IS TICKING!

Dream When Waking up Today

Relief, Freedom, New Beginnings, Awkwardness, & Discomfort

My mom finlly left my Dad. I am sent to a group home. But I am thrilled. There are maybe 40 other teenagers. People everywhere. An Aunt is there (my moms sister i believe). I say exactly how i feel to her and my Mom repeatedly about multiple issues. I let loose and "tell it all," everything that i've been keeping inside for so long. I cry to my mom that i am so relieved that she's finally left him, and now we can truly begin our lives. She had no idea i felt this way and she hugs me. i hope she is relieved from thinking its shamesful to leave and that i might dissaprove. I want her to feel supported. When she leaves the Group Home that I was just admitted to, i feel scared to be with all these unfamilar people in this new situation & am a little lonely and miss the old life. (that i hated)

There is some sort of meeting and we gather in a large circle. Some young arrogant representative of the group begins talking and speaks to me as if we've already spoken before, and that I understand the details of what he's saying. (I don't) He continues; "The room available won't be available long at this rate (fee)" . So, he wants an immediate decision from me as to whether or not i will "take it" since it is in high demand and will be taken by someone else otherwise. I believe it is my deceased Grandfather's house that we are in (my mothers father.)

We have dinner. But first there is a prayer. There an awkwardness with the two boys beside me about whether to hold hands or not. After hesitation, we do. (I think they may be 2 goodlooking real-life students)

After dinner it is time for chores. I observe a bit & then enter the small kitchen alone. It is dirtied and in disaray. I place my hands on a counter to the left, and the stove to the right and push myself around into a back flip. There is a small, rag that slides under my right had and create a tiny fire, but i am quickly and easily able to put it out. I doubt anyone will notice or catch me. I won't get in trouble. The flip was still worth it. I can hardly contain my superhuman abilities. It's like magic.

I realize that I am able suddenly do amazing acrobatics everywhere! I can jump in the air and do multiple flips. Its like i am no longer weighted down by gravity. I'm thrilled and excited about my ability to do awesome dance moves. I hadnt any idea that i could do it but it feels like a great release and thrilling. I am thoughts about teaching/bringing in some of my new housemates and creating a routine. I think they'd like that because it would be cool. I bet they'd be surprised what i can do when i'm so fat but i'll prove that i'm worthwile. It feels odd and intimidating to be the new person amongst so many. I worry some about fitting in, but am so excited and happy to me i'm not obsessively worried.

While they are doing chores, I observe the woman in charge who comes by and scolds a group of boys for not vacuuming. (Only 2 people are vacuming.) They protest, "but there aren't anymore vacuums." Then I walk to my potential "new room" and check it out. There in the room are dozens and dozens of vacuums sitting. I wonder if I should say anything. (?)


I suddenty recongnize a housemate there. I enthusiastically approach and greet her and in my mind i am aware that others peers might see that i know somone and that may boost my status in the house. She was my student; Mle a student that always more mature and older seeming one in class, appropriate and a good positive influence. Her mother/adult relative was picking her up from the house to give her a ride to a dance club. I got excited and asked to go along to which she appeared uncomfortable about the idea. I retracted my request but didn't feel devestated. It suddenly occured to me that i have my OWN car and could even drive me self, (if i reALLLY wanted to go that bad.) But i realize i don't really care. It sounded like fun at the time but I'm ok with it. Besides, its a long way to go and probably confusing to find.

At the end, I see another new housemate. (I think it is hannah) I am worried and hope she's read my comments. When I tell her i left them on her blog yesterday, she's shocked and doesn't believe that it true, that i really left any. I protest and am worried.

This is all that i remember at this moment but it was a long multilayered dream, i think. More fuzzy & indescrible than other recent ones.

I am tired again. Wouldn't quite know what to write anyway. Earlier today I wondered if i'll reach a point where i'll have simply blank days with nothing of interest to say here. Nothing notable. Blank. I can say though, briefly though today, that i was highly upset by the office owner today, i felt slighted, exasperated. But I know he means well and don't want to take it personally. I'll elaborate later some other time.

Then to group therapy at 530pm. Felt like a drag to be there at first. Like, "I don't want to do this today. Go there." Sometimes i just want to be done with that getting in touch with the real you/real feelings stuff amd then consequently feel sad or even tortured - sucked into an what can feel like an abyss - topsyturvy - and then trying to care about it or maintain hope for something better. Sometimes i'll actually be having a "good day", but seem unable to maintain that state of mind when i get in that purple lowlit 24th floor suite. I am pulled under again. Like people at the bottom of a swimming pool tugging at my feet. Numbing out does have its beguiling appeal - you can avoid all of this. (On some level) But of course, its never ACTUALLY this simple as our minds would never truly allow this completely. That stuff is always still with us and will percolate up other unexpected, uncontrollable places, where we least desire it. (IE: Addictions, Neurosis', Dysfunction)

I sat quietly for the first 1 1/2 hour but then did express that ("i don't wanna be here tonight etc") when eventually called on which surprisngly provided some immediate relief. I find it unendingly fascinating what a impact such a seemingly "little" thing can make. Saying what I think. What I feel. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is.

I think also, its easy for me to sit mute and slide into a state of self-pity and isolation. And then when finally acknowledged (called upon) i feel a sense of being rescued or validated or suddenly seen and real. I don't like this pattern and ought to work to break it. Break out of the role of "victim." I see how my own perception/behaviors can play into that sense of alienation.

I don't even like to join the group on breaks. It feels uncomfortable and awkward. Yet, when someone joins me, sitting alone in the adjoining room, I usually enjoy it.

I was awed by new members today. The gave brave feedback to each other and discussed their previous feelings of frustrations/anger/irriation at each other. It was quite brave and exciting to witness. And they only just begun group in the past week or so. Amazing. I still am not there yet.

I really react to one women's stories about her husband. I want to kill him. He sounds like such an asshole!! The spitting image of my Dad. Says and treats her in some identical ways that I was treated growing up. Only its her HUSBAND! I want to scream at her LEAVE THAT BASTARD YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one does!!!!!

No one does.

I hate hearing about it. It makes me fume. And feel helpless. I want to kick his ass and make him treat her right.

The most tragic piece is her 10 year old daughter whos already developing the same/similar fucked up disordered eating patterns and internal angst. The patterns are so clear. I want to wave my wand and end their pain.

Just discovered an element of what bothered me tonight in Group;
by giving me warnings to heed, the covert message is; "We don't trust you to know what's best for you. We question your judgment."
THAT REALLY FUCKING MAKES ME MAD. I'm not a stupid person. And i think i have decent intuition. I'm insulted! >:0(

Cool, a good discovery.

Geez. Wouldn't you know. I ALMOST MADE IT! If only i'd left a few split seconds earlier, our paths would not have crossed. But instead, as I opened the door to walk out, in came the morning staff. "Hi Indyinn!" I greeted her enthusiastically. And lamented, "It seems I'm always on my way out when you're just arriving!" and we chuckled together good humoredly. I moderated my departing speed, though desparate to get away.

Traveled along the coast to get to job #2. The office job. Where I sit now. Although it seems "bad" weather is an impossibility in this state, today appears an especially radiant day. The colors are vivid and the water's beauty is of mythic proportions. "I really do live here," I observed silently driving past a surfer.

So, where is the owner's girlfriend? I was only asked to come in today because I was to teach her how to use Quickbooks and give a tour of the work that I've done creating a system of organization. I wonder if she's avoiding me? I hear through the grapevine that she is "jealous" and doesn't like having me here. Thus the owner's decision that we will begin to "split the hours" here during the week. (I am to come in 4 hours Mon, Wed, Fri and she, Tues/Wed/Thur)

I'll try to take the informants advice, "Don't worry about it too much. Just roll with it."

I felt like massive shit most of the day. Just nasty. Unsightly, bloated, discolored, trailertrash bad. I drove to Wallmart and fit right in. (politically correct people suck-beans anyway) While there, I gave in and bought myself an Air Conditioner, because GoshDarnIt, I deserve it. Plus I quiver to imagine another summer of suffocation in my FurnaceBoxApartment. I wouldn't have minded getting a bigger one, but due to insufficient muscleage, I would be quite unable to get that monster up a flight of stairs and hoisted onto a window sill. Not without divine intervention that is, and I aint seen nothin divine in these here parts for days. So, a cute dainty 6000 BTU it was for me. I can't complain. I still felt powerful and mighty. It was the highlight of my day (which tells you the general quality of my life.)

Other than that expedition, lets see, what else did i do? um. Sleep. and. also.........................................yep that about covers it. Sleep. (in between naps) And then here to work at 7pm. Damm i love my life.

ARG! I can't move too well because my abdomen is all cramped up. I think its the Starbucks Frapachino kicking in. I'm typing sideways (only half doubled over) in the Group Home office while my trusty coworker Rick is scolding the girls down the hall - telling them to be quiet and go to bed. This is always the best part of the night here. Bedtime. Pressure's off, time to blare up the TV, kick-back and cruise till the end of the shift. Oops. 10,000 negative points for Jodie, I just overheard. I'd go give him a hand if only I could stand up. OW! ...Ok cool. He just walked by to grab her pointcard & I got to check-in with him & see if he's ok. It's all good. Its nice working with him since I don't have to stress or mind-read. What a nice change - supporting each other. It's the shits when you work on-line with someone who'll only communicate passive aggressively through other staff members & not to you directly; someone who'll smile in your face while you find out is talking shit to anyone else who'll listen. (Generally, these are the women Counselors, I noticed.) You know, for a group of "counselors," supposedly "modeling" appropriate and healthy behaviors, we're one fucked-up group of individuals! Through the years here there have been times when I questioned who needed help more, us or the clients! Luckily though, the turnover rate at Group Homes tends to be so incredible that its only a matter of time before those problem staff cycle out and in-comes a new round of staff. Just like the clients. In and out. In and out. In and out. Can't get to attached. Can't get too worked-up.

The girls were good tonight. We have two new clients that I got to know a little bit tonight. I really feel I have good rapport with all the clients actually which makes life tons easier here. It's the new power-tripping staff that really have it tough. Sometimes it takes a while to get a pretty basic concept; be straight-up and respectful, and they'll be respectful back. No one's any different, adult, child or teenager. Especially teenagers because they're already struggling so much with their evolving identities and becoming their own self, separate from other's expectations and rules. In a way, that's their job as teenagers. Inevitably this concept butts heads with a highly structured, rule-based home with 12 young counselor "parents." Afterall, what do most fresh 20 year olds know about child rearing, let alone unruly, angry, abused teenagers? Its to be expected. I only wish we had a stronger leadership, and I mean from the very top down. I think the lower levels of an institution are direct reflections of the CEO's or Directors. Trickle down affect. If they don't give a shit at the top, than why would the little people at the bottom give a shit? If its only a game of numbers and dollar signs, thats reflected in the attitude throughout.

I have so many unanswered questions about the concept of the"Social Services," ~ this "business" of "helping people." Is that truly the priority, "helping?" How is that defined, I wonder? How is it qualified? (NOT quantified.) It seems there are lots of pitfalls to be aware of and avoided to preserve the integrity of an organization. Afterall bureaucracy at a Bank has an entirely different impact than the gravity of the effects of Social Service bureaucracy where people's lives are at stake, powerless pawns in the hands of wage slaves.

Boy was this a yawner of an entry. blah blah blah blah blah blah BLAH
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 3:23 AM Sunday, April 25, 2004

I have more to say but am getting too sleepy. (It's nearly 3am now) As I close my eyes, images from "Memento" are with me. Maybe I was too dismissive of it in my last post. No short term memory is interesting. It evokes lots of questions about life. Is life meaningful without the ability to form memories? What would motivate you to continue on? Or maybe, you're just too lost to know any better not too. I am glad for this movie in that it seems to continue where Drew Barrymore/Adam Sandler's "50 First Dates" supposed "comedy" left off. I found THAT movie disturbing actually. I don't know, something about having to be reintroduced to your children on a daily basis somehow just doesn't seem cute and fun.

And yet. Sometimes life seems like that anyway. All disjointed and broken up into little fragments of time. But the fragments parallel each other because instinct leads you repeatedly to the same behaviors; their fuctionality or appropriateness irrelavent. And then we attempt, for our comfort, to superimpose some sort of meaning on the whole affair, when really, it is all a sham, and that meaning we constructed is simply a roadmap that we send to ourselves of the future so that we can continue with the illusion that there is some sort of purpose, some sort of master plan; something to be done or accomplished. (IE: Religion) For without that, what is our drive to continue on? Memory could be considered a fallibility, I guess, when you think of it like that. Better to be self-trapped in your own repetitive game? Blissfully "unaware"?

Tonight when I left my apartment, there was some asshole peeing nearly on the front door of my neighbor. You'd think he'd be embarrassed, but he followed behind me to his car next to mine, looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Vile.

Sucky day. I woke up after 3pm. Unrested. Bored. Restless. Uncomfortable. Off. Didn't get much better from then on. Although I did go grocery shopping for the first time this year, well probably 2 years actually. That was entertaining. So many choices choices choices. Aisles and aisles of multicolored bottles and boxes and cans and bags of products products products. Averting contact with people with my wire rolly basket, looking down in case was a stray gaze. The only fucked up thing was the hyper-friendly employees who must be on some incentive plan to be "customer-friendly" or something What else could explain the dude that asked me 3 times within an aisle and a half, "HI! CAN-I-HELP-YOU-FIND-SOMETHING-THANKYOU!" ARG! GOOOO AWAYYYY I wanted to yell from my bloated cheeks. But instead of course I smiled sweetly and politely declined. (3x)

Then I went home & didn't know what to do with myself. Half heartedly watched "Memento" and then rewatched Woody Allen's "Hollywood Ending" more so out of default than interest. I wasn't particularly impressed by either. Not understanding the "brilliance" of Allen yet; I guess I'll need to investigate further with some of his earlier flicks.

Ate 1/2 a salad soggied by sitting in the car for an hour + while I shopped. Then a couple dried peaches. Then a diet root beer. Then some popcorn popped in the popcorn popper thats been sitting in my cupboard for years collecting cockroach droppings which I've been afraid to use but didn't care anymore and even attempted to wash today. In order to do that, I had to clear out the nasty dishes in my sink which had been collected stinky goo for over a year too. I used my brand new handy dandy scrub brush bought from the Miraculous Grocery Store voyage and cleaned the sink! It worked! Eureaka! I felt strong and powerful. I can conquer the world! HEAR ME ROAR!

Then back to the couch with Woody.

At some point I think I dozed off again & FORCED myself to wake up and come back here (to work) so I could check my email and more importantly add something in this blog. That seems to the most redeaming part of my life lately. Or at least, the most fun. (I don't know why?)

I felt a strong urge to come earlier. I wanted to recall my dream here. But its too late now, I think. (There's that "i think" thing again. ) Let me think................. Oh yes, I remember a sliver. My family (and extended family) leave on an outing together, but in their haste, they forget me. I go through great lengths to "catch up" with them, travel by foot, struggle through unfamiliar town, etc. Its a huge and difficult journey and I miss them terribly and feel horribly abandoned and unloved. I'd give anything for them to notice my abscence & save me since it would only require a quick, 5 minute drive to pick me up. Yet I have no way to ask for their help, I can't call or reach them in any way. I am completely helpless and alone. I have no money, access, or way to communicate. I know they are all together, having lots of fun on their trip. Finally, I find and arrive at their hotel room. The door opens, and there they are!! ~Dozens of family members; aunties, cousins young and old, grandparents, etc. They turn silently and look at me with expressionless faces. It is not the loving reception I had hoped for. Instead I feel their dissaproval and disdain. They dislike me, I think - the bad one, the difficult one, "why can't i just be good and get along like everyone else?" I think they misinterpret my lostness as misbehavior, and I am crushed. I am ashamed and hurt. And once again feel cast aside and judged.

- posted by Indigo Blue @ 7:33 AM Friday, April 23, 2004
Plugging away here at the office by myself. The guys are in and out. Boss on vacation in Vegas. Crusin. Listenin to R&B off the computer and entering invoices/payment, printing checks, calling on overdue stuff. It's all good. Making good progress. THis place is feeling OR- GAN -IZED! YEAH!

The only junk thing is these damnmnnm mosquitos. They eat me alive here. At least 10 nibbles per visit. ARG!
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 9:45 PM


I AM FUCKING HAPPY TO BE ALIVE!!!! This is gonna be a GREAT day! Damm i love these pills! =0)
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 5:32 PM

I am suddenly craving warm chocolate chip cookies. Why.

Tea Leoni looks exactly like my friend Lori from college only taller and older and with blonde hair. I wish I knew where she was. I really liked her. Sometimes she left her hair uncombed in rebellious red "fuck you" snarrels. She wore short skirts and fishnet stockings and burped like a man without apology. She was wild and free and had the soul of a poet. I remember the stack of spiral notebook journals above her bed in her dorm that she'd been keeping for years, through her hospitalization and all. I admired that and wished I too had an encylopedia of my inner-life to show for. Years later I heard from her friend Jason that she had returned to Cincinatti, gotten married and had kids. Somehow she seemed too much of a free spirit to do that. I sometimes try looking her up through random searches on the internet but can seem to find no trace of her. Anyway, I hope she's doing well. She was a beautiful woman.

A quote from Hannah's friend's site that really resonates with me,

"Herein is where you may leave traces of your existance."

It captures well this new tremendous pull I feel towards blogging. Nice.

Today I write from the public library. Haven't frequented one since moving to this state probably 5+ years ago as a) their hours suck b) i didn't know where they were c) I didn't have the energy to do anything but sleep and d) I'd forgotten they existed. It's funny. Now I live across the street from one. Why haven't I used it before? It's so cool to be here. Like being in adult Toy R' Us. Like a crazed kid running around with all the infinite possibilities of learning and access to the world. I wonder if I’m mentally starved.

This afternoon I actually also found myself reading one of my many dusty books stacked high in the corner of my apartment which I bought long ago and "always meant to get to." I'm so glad I did today. Originally, I bought it after being moved by an interview with the author on NPR. The topic; "War is a Force that Gives us Meaning." It's fascinating and true and speaks to questions that I have long asked myself about the human capacity for violence and immeasurable brutality. Is really something that separates those who kill/torture/rape from you? From me? From us? What is that? What circumstances would allow us to suspend these beliefs? How rigid are those mores? (Dam how do you spell that.....As i embark on this new journey of daily writing, the limitations of my education/literacy truly irritate me. I wish I had a greater understanding of language and words and grammar.)

Anyway, I just skimmed the book and then accidentally fell asleep for many hours. I hate that. I thought today might actually be a good, productive day, but for me! (Not working for other people) I want to organize my apartment and scan and categorize & save onto disks my boxes and boxes of papers, sketches, journals, etc that I've been tugging around like lead balls around my ankles. I've always been afraid to relinquish the past. I want to remember everything to avoid having to relearn the same lessons over and over.

Ok, it 6:22pm. I get to use this computer until 6:50pm. Pretty cool. And this place is right across the street from where I live!

I've been debating whether to get internet at home. Probably not. I have it at work which is where I am nearly 24/7 anyway. I don't need the extra costs. Particularly because of my $1000 fines in parking tickets. $2000 owed for the air pass. And found out today the speeding ticket will be $162. Shit. And most likely if my insurance finds out, that will double too. (Another $60 bucks a month.) Dam.

I've been thinking about Howard allot. And our conversation. And long relationship. I thought about him when I read that book today. ~It reminded me of the millions of inner-city kids growing up in cold, angry, violent circumstances, where life is relegated to survival, and death is commonplace. I don't see those experiences as much different than the experiences described by those witnessed by the author in Kosovo, Sarejevo, El Salvador, Sierra Leonne, Iraq and the like. Senseless, heartless violence is the same anywhere. It requires a disconnect to the soul.

634p now. Crunch time.

I also read old stuff on my computer at home from years ago back in the day when I did have internet. It found it interesting but sad. Interesting because I can see the progression of thought/behavior and experience to where I am now. The repeated and elaborated upon themes. But sad because it illuminates the extent and depth of my despair. When HAVE I been TRULY happy? It's crazy. It crossed my mind that since this blog seems to be going so well, perhaps I could consolidate those entries here with postdates. Though alot of what I read was embarrassing (childish, almost histrionic) I think the progression would be nonetheless interesting. (At least to me.) **smile** Suddenly I think I am SOooo FASCINATING. I just have to have MORE MORE MORE! Why is that, I wonder. I suppose that would be considered a negative thing. But on the other hand, great things can unfold from great introspection (i think). Like that book, "Every rock can be a teacher." It seems often that the complex really isn't, once you decode the patterns. In developing a greater understanding of my own inner world, I suspect I'll have a greater understanding of human behavior in general.

In the last week I've gotten 3 calls from Howard's area code but with no messages. Who could that be? It is unusual and I fear it is his (ex) wife calling to berate me again. "You're ruining our family!" I'm fearful to even answer Howard's calls no knowing what the situation is over there. Are they together still? Do they live together? IF they do live together, are they together-together? Is she simply psychotic and out-of-touch? What are my obligations to her/him/myself/societal expectations? It's always been so terrible. So confusing. Frustrating.

He asked me if I want to have kids. He says I am 30 now and my biological clock is ticking. I'd guess that if I do want kids, I ought to have them in the next 5 years probably. Right? I don't know. That's confusing too. Would I fuck them up? When I feel trapped by the responsibility? Would my partner get jealous and lose interest in me? Or would it be the most miraculous experience that life could offer. Would I be a dynamic, loving, kind and healthy mother. And would I exist within a functional, communicative, loving relationship. I don't know. It all seems quite removed and something I wouldn't even be contemplating if it wasn't for my age. I can't even imagine it all. I can't even imagine myself married. I don't even know that I think marriage is reasonable expectation of humans. A commitment for "LIFE"?!?
How is that possible? My god, it seems against the very laws of nature, that life is change. Who will i be in 5 years? 10? 50? How can I possibly pretend that it might continue to align with another for such an extended period of life? .......But yet.......
It sounds so delicious.
To be loved and love in that way.

There is a chapter in that book about War & Love. That was where I first turned by chance and captivated me. He proposes that Love is the only antidote to war. He cites poets and ancient texts to embellish his point. ...I want to learn more.

655pm... Past my time limit. hmmm... Maybe i can sneak by since there's a few open computers now. My stomach is rumbling. What have I eaten today? Only a EggMcMuffin/hasbrown/coffee at McDonalds this morning on my way home from the Group Home. Why do I eat those things? I hate them and they are nasty. I guess I just couldn't think of what else to get. Its so convenient and easy and requires the least interaction with people.

People scare me. I think they are out to get me. Hurt me. Judge me. Penetrate my (fat) walls of safety. This is what occurred to me at group last Tuesday. Something about the Group, i think, really upset me. Thus reverting back to those familiar depressive feelings yesterday. (But I feel better today by the way! YES! BOOOOING!! Rebound!) But the facilitator, Judith, made an unusual remark of compliment to me; that she has seen me take tremendous strides towards greater openness and sharing in the past couple weeks. That I had made "great progress." I was stunned, it brought tears to my eyes. I felt so honored and also I felt acknowledged and proud. I think though that she may have felt self-conscious after the remark because then spent sometime reassuring the other members that they too have made great improvements. If I hadn't been still glowing in appreciation, I may have more worried about their feelings and then guiltily obsessed that they may have been hurt. Its funny how we can be trained by life/parents/society to not stand out and thus limit our success to preserve their comfort. Especially as women, I think. But actually, this is really such a myth as there isn't some bank with a limit of successes that we all most draw from. There is enough for everyone. We can ALL living truly dynamic, engaged and full lives and not at the expense of any others. That progressive dynamic energy engaged energy is our birthright. (i think)

Why do I feel compelled to add "(i think)" to everything i write? What is that about? Am I asking to be excused for having thoughts, or sounding pompous/arrogant? How ironic.

Uh oh. 7:08pm I bet they'll catch on soon so i guess I'll go now and get some dinner.

Love to all,

Indigo (not so blue)

The niece of the company's owner at this office job just stopped by and introduced herself. She said she was happy to meet me and that she'd heard alot about me. She said i was a "godsend." That made me feel good. Especially because I'm still feeling a little slighted by the owner from last week. (When he griped about my hours.) I was hesitant to even show up today. And didn't show up on Monday though I told him I would. I'm being petty, I know. Like, fine, you wanna complain, then i'll show you! I'm oughta here! Take that! hahaha... That sounds funny when i type it....

I am struggling today. Fragile. I want to shake if off and attend to work here at the office but the words and thoughts and numbers are fuzzy. Maybe I will take a second HTP today in attempt to ward off this looming void. Either that or I may crawl into a corner and evaporate.

J is calling again. 4 times so far today. I wish he'd just go away.

Oops well i didn't finish that last post because Howard called. We spoke for 2 1/2 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perhaps the longest telephone conversation we've had in the 8+ years of our twisted relationship. It felt beautiful. Open and loving. It was the spiritual, introspective Howard that captured my heart and imagination. Although he has haunted me so often before, I truly do have a connection that has been uncomparable to any before.

...........

And back to my day... AFter my parking ticket I headed off to get an assessment of the car on-base but first would stop by to get my new insurance card. Ironically, I was pulled over for speeding. 50 in a 25. And guess what, I got a ticket for not having a proof of car insurance. What are the odds. I haven't had a speeding ticket in over 10 years and rarely speed. I'm quiet scared about it. It seems the penalty might be quite severe (doubled insurance rates, my job requires yearly traffic abstracts.....)

Then went to group therapy and there are two new members which always shakes me up. I felt shaky and nervous and upset the entirety of the session. But it was interesting, and i took it as an opportunity to observe my feelings and behaviors. I expressed it. On the drive home I felt a tremendous compulsion to stuff it all down, supress it, squash it out. I ate a sandwich on the way and could feel myself wanting to eat out of control, ravenously devour it barely breathing. But again I observed the process and perhaps intervened a bit by increasing that consciousness.

It was such an exciting night.

Oh also, I got a call from a man that I went to college with. We were 2 of 3 rebel rousing radicals in a Senior level Multicult ural Pyscho logical Counse ling program, to the dismay of our teacher and classmates, ~always questioning the power system, the fabric of the profession. He was the first Male feminist I'd ever met. (hmm have i met any since?) Haen't spoken to him in 5 years and I miss and appreciate him. He's been doing fabulous inspirational soulful things since we last spoke. I'm not surprised. He's that kind of man. A voyage with a peace group through Africa. Mediation and introspection in Europe. A master program in expressive arts therapy and multicultural psych. About to do an internship on a Cherokee Reservation. And soon to travel to Bolivia for a month or so. I admire him and hope to some day soon follow my hearts desires in the way that seems to have been. Thanks Robert! It's an honor to know you.

I feel a heaviness in my head. A tightness in my throat. I want to cry.
But why?
The darkness seems to be setting in.

It's 430am and for some reason i am still too amped to go to sleep. I guess it was too exciting of a day. Just finished reading Hannahs response to my comments. Trying not to feel bad about my probably condescending post. But I guess that's just my inner critic lashing out at my imperfection. (god forbid) I'll try to roll with it.

Anyway, I will pop back in as I remember things I meant to mention here today.

As I reread my post about J and the amorphous fear of violent men, I thought of something Howard reminded me of tonight which I'd completely forgotten! About the time we first met many years ago, I dated another man for a very short while (1 week or so) until noticing some erratic, inappropriate behaviors. Howard remembers seeing that man (Rick) in the middle of the night, outside of my apartment, in the bushes, peering into my window, and with a gun! I'm really struck by having forgotten such an event! It's surreal.

(Incidentally, that man was sent to prison not long afterwards having been convicted of a felony sexually assault.)

Don't feel much like writing today. Feeling flat and dejected. Binged tonight. Haven't done that in a long time.

Difficult day. Painful. Uncomfortable. Yucky. But i detect growth in the air. And it feels GREAT!

I didn't have a meltdown! I tried my best to ride the wave. (Of emotion) And not punish myself for being scared. Its upsetting to be upset. I didn't like it! My heart was fluttering, my palms sweaty, I though I might throw up. How dare I? Loser! Weakling! Drama Queen! Silly attention seeking girl! I'm getting upset over nothing! I don't even know WHY I am upset! If it doesn't make "sense," then it doesn't count! (Right?) WRONG!!!

Nope, the above did not apply today. I claimed my fear, expressed it, and penetrating a shaft of hopeful light through my 40+ inch protective wall of armor. A poke into freedom. "Recovery" even?

All day long I've been desperate to find a computer to record my thoughts here. Now its late and I'm tired and will be unable to capture them all. But I found it interesting my new compulsion towards emoting and sharing here. Perhaps taking the place that food often took for me before? A far heatlhier alternative, for sure.

On one hand, I want to yell from the rooftops, YOU CAN FIND ME HERE! Read me read me read me read me! But also this is my fear, for it seems the more people that recognize me, the more I will feel constricted and the need to self-censor for fear of offending or feeling shame. Should I change names of acquaintances/friends/family? But, even if I did, surely people will know themselves. Interested in feedback here.

So back to today.

Today I ran home to shower/change clothes & neglected to put change in the parking meter. I was distraught to find a parking ticket within the short amount of time that I had been parked. Particularly because I have now over $1,000. 00 dollars that i know owe in parking fines. I find this nearly an intolerable stressor that has overwhelmed me and therefore for virtually ignored for multiple months. Well, not totally. I recently (due to feeling unusually good lately) courageously braved an attempt to research the situation and called the City/County to get a clearer picture of my current balance. This was a big step for me. That is when I learned that after a few months they charge a 25% interest rate which leaves me struggling to not feel hopeless and depressed by it. This coupled with the financial burden of owing my good friends exboyfriends $2000 airpass good for 1 year which I have felt too ashamed and dejected to use. I have only paid him back $20 and that seemed a momentous feat. Now nearly 1/2 of the year is gone. But finally, I did schedule my first flight for mid-May.

Hi Hannah, I'm going to take a leap here and offer some unsolicited feedback. I hope not to offend you, and if i do please forgive me. When you write about dieting, scrutinizing your foods, and labeling them as good and bad, and then consequently yourself as good and bad, it makes me shudder. I want to scream at the soceital programming that makes us determine our self worth based on size and food intake. But this paradigm can be superceded if we choose not to adhere to it!!! What is the meaning of your hunger? What is the meaning of your restriction? Do you allow yourself to have feelings, express them, feel them? Or do you try to contain & block them out? Do you have to be perfect? Maintain control? Do you take care of everyone but yourself? Do you assert & express your thoughts and feelings to those around you? Do you allow yourself and follow your hearts desires? ...These are all questions that can be intimiately connected to our relationship with food, body image and dieting. I could be way off here, and if so, please excuse my presumptiousness. But if any rings true, I'd be happy to recommend a book or two on the subject.

Warm Wishes,

Indigo :-)

Shit. Jacob has called me like 5 times today. It's beginning to make my skin crawl. I like attention, but not quite that much. Twice I answered it, but he had nothing to say. I'm not some CEO or something, but what the fuck? I have other things to do besides "play-highschool." I guess this is what happens when you hook up with someone his age. Arg.

Still at the office. Getting ready to wrap up. The owner said to just come in 3 days next week for 4 to 6 hours while he's on vacation because he's worried about money. I feel stupid. I just gave him my timesheet with 70.5 hours. He exclaimed, "TWELVE HOURS!" when seeing how long I worked one day. Why do I feel so damm guilty when I know I worked my ass off the whole time and am at a rate WAY lower than I deserve or could get anywhere else. Arg! ARG ARG ARG ARG! DON'T FEEL GUILTY DON'T FEEL GUILTY DON'T FEEL GUILTY! I'M DOING HIM A BIG FAVOR. Right? Arg. arg arg arg.
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 12:47 AM Friday, April 16, 2004
Back again at the office underneath the owner's house. Although just outside the open french doors is a driveway full of non-working cars, overflowing trash cans, and random miscellaneous bits and pieces strewn about, the discomboogled state feels calming and friendly to me. (10 points for vocab Indigo!) Maybe its the resemblance to my inner world?

The morning is my favorite time; before the heat blazes up and settles thick around me like water in a Escape Artists box. I like how the ceiling fan brushes just a hint of movement on my shoulders and the sounds beyond the doors; a frog or two on the hill, busy birds, the rustling of car tarps and foliage when the breeze winds up, and just now, the growl of a plane overhead. It is quiet and peaceful and I like it here.

Driving here, I listened to some segments on NPR; about the early World Fairs, a playwright who wrote about the conflict between scientists and fisherman on the Galapagos Islands, and just a snippet of a brainy scientist experimenting with Einsteins Theory of Relativity. Thank god for NPR. What would I do without it? Post-college, I believe it may be my only source of mental stimulation.

I keep falling asleep at night (for weeks) without taking my contacts out or changing my clothes or sometimes even brushing my teeth. Then I wake up and feel gnarly. Today I came straight from work there to work here and didn't go home to shower/wash my face. I feel so yucky. I have to try to ignore it now since there's nothing I can do. (See last night's post) haha

Ok. Maybe I'll start work now. I have my vanilla macademia nut Lion's coffee to keep me company. I should be ok.

Shit. J has called me at least 5 times just today. It's beginning to make my skin crawl. I like attention, but not quite that much. Twice I answered it, but he had nothing to say. I'm not some CEO or something, but what the fuck? I have other things to do besides "play-highschool." I guess this is what happens when you hook up with someone his age. Arg.

Still at the office. Getting ready to wrap up. The owner said to just come in 3 days next week for 4 to 6 hours while he's on vacation because he's worried about money. I feel stupid. I just gave him my timesheet with 70.5 hours. He exclaimed, "TWELVE HOURS!" when seeing how long I worked one day. Why do I feel so damm guilty when I know I worked my ass off the whole time and am at a rate WAY lower than I deserve or could get anywhere else. Arg! ARG ARG ARG ARG! DON'T FEEL GUILTY DON'T FEEL GUILTY DON'T FEEL GUILTY! I'M DOING HIM A BIG FAVOR. Right? Arg. arg arg arg.

Man. Just writing that last post made me mad again. I seem to be having an unusally big emotional reaction to him (J\) for some reason. He evokes alot of anger & disgust. Could it partially be that he reminds me of my brother? After our first meeting, I had a dream about that my brother and I had a huge blowout fight. But unlike real life, I asserted myself and expressed my frustration to which (in the dream) he actually heard/understood and then went on to explain himself; he'd been under alot of stress and afraid, and worried that he might be fired from work. He then began to cry. In real life, I've never seen such a thing and we live thousands of miles away and rarely communicate at all. There seems to be a wall between us.

Geez I worked the entire day and night and then headed straight here to job number #2. Didn't eat anything, didn't take breaks, didn't even go to the bathroom. I'm beat. Sitting on your arse all day sure can take a toll on you. I'm not sure if it feels good or bad to work so long. On one hand I feel productive, and hardworking, and engaged and happy to be earning cash. On the other hand, I wonder if I'm deliberately avoiding developing some semblance of a life. Like, with friends and interests and having fun and stuff. I'm not sure which it is though. Maybe I'm having fun working? I guess I'll need to mull it over some more. Meanwhile, I know it can't be healthy the way I neglect the things I NEED to do for ME. It seems I'm a whiz at organizing and bringing sanity to the new boss' business life, but my own life, that's a totally different story. While I'm creating a well-oiled, finely tuned office-machine for him, my home will go to shit because whenever I contemplate taking care of it, I get that nagging feeling that I'm wasting valuable time. Like, when I think about paying my bills or eating or... um, what else do people with lives do??? I guess its yet another symptom of my lack of self-regard, and importance. Damm. I hate that.


While driving here, I gave a quick call to Clvn, that man from a couple weeks ago that I really enjoyed and felt a connection to that I met from the club and had that painfully self-conscious date where I felt I utterly humilated myself. I figured he was giving me the brush off after he didn't return my call from a few days ago. Nonetheless, I decided, what the fuck, I liked HIM, and I'll give it one last shot. What's the worst that can happen if he doesn't wanna talk? I'd rather take the chance of another unreturned call then letting something go because of fear when it could have turned into a nice friendship, etc.... Who knows, maybe he was busy/didnt get the call/forgot/lost my number/etc/etc.... Anyway, on the last ring he answered and seemed SO ENTHUSIASTIC to hear from me. I was so excited! Then, at the end of the quick 10 min chat, he voluntarily committed to calling me tomorrow! How cool is that?! A miracle a day keeps the doctor away. Can't wait to hear from him. I do like him. I don't know why. He just has good energy, I think.

Meanwhile, there are several middleaged, semi to non-attractive men corresponding with me by emails through match.com. I generally feel compelled to respond to nearly everyone that expresses an interest in me through ("winks"), but tonight I began to question that methodology. The more involved the emails get, the more I begin to feel kinda, um, well creeped out, I guess. Like we're developing this deep emotional and intimate connection, but haven't even MET yet! I don't like that. What if we meet and there is no chemistry, but we've leapt ahead and shared personal, revealing information. YEs, I think its best to keep it short and sweet and go straight to a real-live meeting. Just get it out of the way ~ limit the expectations. What do you think?

Did you do your fucking taxes today? Dam them! Last couple years I owed over a T H O U S A N D FUCKING DOLLARS. (yes big nasty expletive swear words for this topic) Last year i was so disgusted I didn't have the stamina to follow through and actually file them. Afterall, I was still paying off the previous years! This year I will try to force myself. I sent in a request for an extension today. I hate our fucking government. Dam them dam them dam them! DAM THEM ALL!
(HEY!, now that I typed that I wonder if I'll start getting monitored by the FBI! Kewl dude!)

LOVE,
INDIGO

PS: How many "m's" are there in "damm"? And why don't they teach the REALLY useful spelling words in school anyway?

Check these bunnies out.

They rock!

Dreams This Morning

Sharing Love
my mom started teaching at the same school as i. she angers me and itry to retain my cool around cowirkers and students. but when they are out of eartshot i try to contain my tremendous rage and i want to unleash it upon her with a fury. i want to yell and scream but in hushed tones whisper forcibly. for example. tghere is a big test my class (and i am a student to now) coming up. my mom is teaching the final prep. she is reviewing math problems and i am FUROOUS. i think she is doing a terrible job and i burn inside that my student s won't understand her quick, difficult explanations because they are not like my brother who picks up on things easily grwoing up. she can not teach them the way she taught him. simply and easily. no, they are more like me, they need a different style of teaching. more broken apart and simplified and clearer to undrestand. I AM SO ANGRY AT HER. how dare she. as she lectures using the overhead projector drawing geometric designs, there is a sudden weather explosion and it beging bouring buckets of rain. the students jump up and run to the overhang on the side of the field where i am sitting, watching. i am now surrounded by my students on either side. the raing is pouring down so fiercly, its is hard to avoid the wetness. and in a matter of seconds the field begins to flood. there are perhaps 2 inches of water before us. i don't want to get wet and am upset. but then i notice there is someone sitting directly in front of me whos presence seems to be blocking most of of the water from splattering on me. he is asian and wearing a yellow rubber raincoat. he turns to me, smiling, seemingly unbothered by the rain. i am grateful he is there. a student, layne, makes a joke from the left. no wait. I make a joke. yes , i joke that the teacher and i "are related afterall. we're distant cousins." layne laughs and shakes his head. and communicateds that i am still funny. the lain suddenly lifts and as suddenly as it came it is no where in sight. the sun comes out in full force and is blazing away as befoe, as if nothing ever happened. i marvel at this transition. how can thatt be? ....when it first began, i announce mischievously , "ope! no test!" (thinking we can't have it in he rain!) i don't want to take it either. a couple students jumped on the bandwagon and said Yeah YEAH. i think my mom probably wouldn't be pleaesd at my immaturity and rebel rousing. ..... when the sun breaks, the student return to their places on the field before the projector an begin picking up thick booklets that i have copied and stacked and lugged to the scene. i've put a lot of work into creating these tests based on what they students have learned an how they think they can be most successful. mom dismisses them and has her own test to give. I AM BEYON FURIOUS!!! I AM SEETHING! I WNAT TO EXPLODE. instead i try to contain myself but after the student leave i mention , "i made of these things for you!" she shrugs it off. we are walking down the corridor and she says hi to her (our now) coworker. a vic principal maybe. i try to regain my compusure from my fury and i don't want her to hear me mistreating my mom. i think she senses my abusiveness and i feel shamed but also more desire to hurt her. i must cart the huge stack of books and supplies back now, but i don't know how i will do that. it seems so daunting, like so much hard work, like i'm not strong enough to do it. and it worries/scares/angers me. maybe i can do it in separate loads? i think maybe i could carry 3-4 books at a time. *(there are about 25 all togethre.. but that will take me forever!!! GRRR.. i am mad.. mom doesn't seem to notice or care. she blows the whole thing off, as usual. she never seems to take me seriously or notice me or respect me. somehow i get a wheely thing (hand cart) and start precarioulsly wheeling it away walking with her. i (still angrily whispering so not to make a scene) say things like "you never loved me" and although she doesn't openly agree, she continues on the the statement as if it was true and too elaborate upon it. i am devestated and want to cry out hysterically. it jst doesn't seem fair. i want desparately to still be loved by her. to have the love of a mother. to be nurtured and cared for and seen as special.. but it seems to late. she hates me, and being an adult now, i have little room for immaturity , or selfishness, or bad behavior. i have lost her forever it seems. she resents my anger and seems to despise me now. i want to weep uncontrollably and plead with her that i am still worth loving. that I LOVE HER, even though i'm sometimes not kind and fair to her, it seems i have pushed her too far. it is a devestating situation. i'm crushed beyond belief. it feels hopless

-------------------

the girl at subway makes me a sandwich. my mom and i are chatting with her. she like me for some reason.. i think i leave her a big tip or something. just for that we develop a special frienship and she saves something for me in the refridgerator. i think it is a glass of milk. but it is unlabeled and in the fridge and i have to sneak it out without anyone seeing. especially my dad. i feel honored by her recongnition and special

_________________________-

ti make a composite image of her boyfriend for her using 2 other images. it is a amusing looking image of him today mixed with him from a outlandish outfit and fro from the 60's. i don't know why i made the picture, but i really like it and want to gift her with it. i feel silly though, because it seems out-of-place and without reason. i think she could be flattered but also thinking i'm a weirdo for going to the trouble. ..plus i have secret doubts that i do it more for his attention than hers and so i keep it to myself. even when she & he come sit and leave my classroom. there is a pull there. to reveal it or not. i decide its too risky still to share it. i risk her rejection and alientation. clearly, i do like him and think she will detect this. plus it isn't right.

I'm a star! I'm a star! I'm a star! Look what I found at this Blog Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

I was just wandering around, looking at other blogs. I found two of interest:

I Shall Believe
To be honest, I didn't even read it. I was just wowed by the design. Very nice.

Indigo Blues
This one, I liked the design, but I liked the writing even better. I get the feeling that I can relate to this woman: she thinks she's fat and ugly (I wonder if she really truly is?) and that she doesn't even have the right to a relationship, to even want one. Good reading... and it took my mind off of my own problems for a while..."

Thanks Hannah! :0)

ok. Let me start my Thursday now. Its morning and I just walked in the office with my large McDonalds coffee and sat at the owners desk. I wonder if this blog entry will show up on their server? OH well. So what are we going to accomplish today? I like being here. It's so mellow and self-directed. And best of all, I actually feel like I'm worth something. What a shocker. Here we gooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I wish more people would leave me comments here. I'm terribly curious how all this blabbering is being received. Due to my narcissitic personality, no doubt.

Tomorrow is Monday. My acquaintance Joe said he can look at my car's oil leaks. But he lives on-base and he reminded me that I'd have to have my car registration/safety sticker/insurance all up-to-date. Immediately I gave up inside, since that seemed a insurmountable feat. It would be a HUGE and COMPLICATED process to secure these things, I thought to myself. But, he corrected this mistaken assumption & simply mentioned that all I'd have to do is go to a Satellite City Hall for the title. OH YEAH! And I remembered, I could just call AIG and switch the insurance from my last car that I had towed god knows how many months ago already but have been procrastinating/avoiding taking off my insurance. It was the kick-in-the-pants I needed to FINALLLLLY do what's been on my to do list for countless days. I marveled at the simplicity of the title exchange. It literally could not have taken more than 120 seconds to complete. Why do I make things so hard that can be so easy?! I agonize over the most ridiculous of chores. It's simply ridiculous and royal waste of precious life energy.

Almost 2am. long day. full day at office. group therapy. and then here to work again. a crisis going on when i arrived. 3 family members of a client were at the front door threatening another client and demanding that their sister go with them, "or they weren't leaving" drama drama drama. cops came. kids all wound up and feisty. wanting to egg each other on. incite a riot like. instigate. The House Of Drama. never a dull moment though after a while it all looks the same and loses its appeal. you see the patterns. you become less surprised by the silliness. maybe more jaded. anyway. still feelin good. glad i only arrive at the tail end and don't have to get sucked up into the stress. thank goodness.

niteynite

Indigo.

Well I guess I'll write more about nothing since this blasted computer (that I'm PAYING TO USE) won't allow me to write emails! (What?!) I decided on a mango smoothie and bought some yummy organic enchilda stuff. Perfect breakfast for an upset stomach. Maybe I'll wait to eat it though. Ew.

Ope! Midas calling.....

Arg. $350 for 3 seals and they said i need to replace 2 cb joints too. What are those things? Are they ripping me off? Probably. Auto shops always do. Always. Always always always. Car problems are the vain of my existance. What does that mean? "Vain of my existance" I have no idea but it just came out. Isn't that weird how we say things and have no idea what they mean. (Or, at least i do.) Okay. Now what do i do. Get a 2nd opinion? Where? Maybe I'll call my Dad. He might know if that's a good price. Geez. Here we go again.

byebye

Indigo

Well, sitting at the internet cafe again today. Waiting for my car to be diagnosed at Midas. I just tried to get it an oil change like a good-little-car-owner, but Jiffy Lube refused citing a bad oil leak!! What? Oil leak?! Oh no I thought it was fine! (I just bought it from a friend a couple months ago for 500 bucks.) I just got done with a year of oil leaks from my previous hoopty. No no no! Not again! I'm nervous and crossing my fingers (which makes it hard to type.)

My stomach still feels queasy today but I am hungry too (i think?) so what do i do? Everything I think to eat turns my insides. Ew. Then again, maybe I'll lose weight if I stop eating! Everybody says your body just reacts and conversely stores calories instead when you don't eat, but somehow i find that to be a suspicious theory. What explains bony anorexics and wasting away hunger strikers? Its probably another conspiracy designed to keep me fat.

Its 5aM, why am i waking up now? that's crazy . that never happens. i'm typing with my eyeS closed. (literally) .in bed. i'll edit later.

DREAMS:
carrying some family's (whos?) big oversized awkward baby around. its too long and too heavy and it keeps falling out of my arms. i drop it oto the floor and feel guilty. for some reason tthis big bbaby irritates me. it says weird things. not baby like tthings. hoin fact, why is a baby talking anyway? it whines to me, "I'M NOT AMORPHOUS" why does the baby care, i can't even reason to it that tthat doesn't even mean anything and its siblings are just teasing him because the baby is too young to explain. irritating and i wish the parents would relieve me of the burden of trying to take care of it. if they weren't so wrapped up in themselves, they would pay more attention to him. i mean, its not MY baby anyway. geez. finally i capture their attention, wait, is my mom one of the parents? anyway, i get their attention and i ask if its ok to let him go. i'm irritated because when i keep putting him down he climbs up on a plug and starts grabbing at my clock and messing with things and disrupting my stuff. the parents just don
t even notcice. they excuse his behavio as normal. i s think to myself, well if he had TOYS it might prevent his messing with other things. the parent (my mom?) says, "oh just go ahead and put him down" "i've seen him entertain himself for hours before" so, i do, with doubt. then i set up a water pitcher like thing *looks like a BRITA pitcher( with a tube in itube in it attached oto the baby sitting next to it so he can breathe. the water moves up and down with his breathe. i prope him against t and ask the parents, isthis ok? thye kinda glance over, but get destracted with themselves (they hardly ever pay attnetion to him) and dismissively say, "yeah yeah that's fine) ...theman says he lost 250 (somethings? i think he's talking about money but i'm not sure i think hehas some kind of accent?) somewhere. ( i think to myself he's talkinga bout at a garbage dump) and he needs to go find it immediately. i have an urge to volunteer to help, but i restrain myself because i think it will make the lady jealous, suspicious, so i don't . he takes off. i notice the carpets underneath the baby in the kitchen area are wet and gross. i move them around so he doesn't get too affected. i know in my heart he's not in a good position for a baby and i should be taking better care but i'm still irriated at him for being sunch a nusiance and its really the parents responsiblity anyway. their last baby was so different. it was so nice and comfortable to pick up.

cut 2
in my van tumbling down the street. looks like spokane residential street. i'm going terribly fast and am out of control.. the brakes won't work the car won't stop. i am now going backwards and triying to swearve around parked and moving cars from behind. it seems an impossible task and for an instant it occurs to me with pride that i'm doing an awesome job. sucessfully navigating an impossible feet. i know the time is limited though and i soon inevitably CRASH into something. l(like a fire hydrant?) the van SPLITS in two, like the car part some where, and then 2 small mettal piecesdown down down the street and me. we are thrust forward. i don't know where the car goes. they two metal pieces are rolling rolling rolling. i try despartely to catch up but can not. i worry i'll get in trouble from the neighbors. i hope despartely to not be sseen. i am panicked but also feeling a giddy rebelliousness. like i'm getting away with something or an adventrue, trying to get away with soemthing. theres a certain sense of excitemtn and freedom in my crash and journey looking for the parts...........i am looking everwhere. up and downhills. in an apartmetn complex. i park my van and go it to the complex. i come back out and it is marked up with pieces of paper attached all across the windsheild and roof from the apt complex, "we're going to tow you soon if you don't move your care" i am slightly concerned, but mostly i just laugh at their stupidty. "they can't do that! they don't even have the jurisdiction" who do they think they are and i am still feeling that sense of revellion. i rip them off and drive on my way. ha ha! i got them! ... at some point i sit in the drivers sit and with contentment write in my blog on a laptop spread before me on a builtit in table i glow in my contentment and feel untterly happy in my little van-home (vw camper) the envy of passerbyers

cut 2
i've walked to some sort of plant. water plant? something big and industrial and official. governemental like. there is something about to go wrong. something big. like a natrual disaster of something in the plant is about to bust. like the water is going to go pouring through the building like a tidal wave and carry away all of the people and drownd all in site. i have some special insight and foreknowledge and i quickly problems solve/ asses/plan an escape. but i'm not quite sure what's going to happen and i've never been here before so my problem solving skills aren't quite effective. i'm working with impossible odds. quick quick. what do i do? maybe it's not going to be the tdal wave busted pipe thing. what do i do. a person is walking by, and i quickly asess that we can work together to survive. then a few more. i quickly inititae a pact. ther is more power in numbers and we quickly bond. we are nerds. misfits, joining forces. i look around and guess, we can go forward towards town, but i don't know if theres engough time, we can go behind bak into the building for cover, but i think we'll be trapped when the water comes and hit things and suffocate, so i think we should go up up up to the right, cimb that equipment, and the (about 10) of us start climbing. i pause and help the people behind me despite feeling panicked and scared. i feel its worthe the sacrifcie to help out. it feels good to be calm and brave. .. we find ourselves in some sort of control room. to our relief there is suddenly a computer guy amongst us. and he's worked for them before and knows the codes to the giant guns!! YES! what alucky break. he starts typing furiously but it is too late. there is a pounding at the door. the deak skeletons are clamoring to get us. one trys to grab me and i slam it shut just it time pushing its bones out of the way.. i am terrifiyed beyond belief. truly terrifyed. its getting bad. what are we going to do?

i think this is where i wake up. i notice my mouth is open wide and dry. i wonder if i alwyas sleep like this? i keep breathing to check if i have sleep apnea like i recently suspected.. no, seems ok. i try to look at the clock and squint because my eyes are bad. 5am?!!??!?! what the hell is going on. that NEVER happens!!!! i check in with my head. a very very mild ache still. thank god it lightened up. but i have the sense of the aftermath of sickness. like you've really been through something major and are now on the other side of the traumas. like ahving been through a war. i don't recall everhaving a headache like that before.... highly unusual. inexplicable.

now waht do i do? try to go back to bed? but why? i don't feel tired at all. how EXTREMELY PECULIAR.... i've never (not that i can remember) ever experienced such a thing. is it that htp? good god, So weird...

OH my heart is RACING. Someone arrived home that I didn't hear until right at the door of the office.

Anyway, back to the anecdote.

1/2 of the class was to create as many clay pots as possible, it didn't matter how great or small they were, just as long as there were many.

The other 1/2 of the class need not pay attention to the quantity of creations, but rather, they were to make one, single piece of art. The only requirement that it should be their very best work, demonstrating their skills and abilities as a potter.

After two weeks the results were this, the first half enjoyed the process and created freely, unconcerned with results but thorougly engaged by the experience. Consequently, they produced many high quality products of quality and beauty.

The second group however, found themselves overwhelmed and daunted by the pressures of perfection, and in many cases found themselves rendered completely stunted and unable to produce even a single pot.

ok now i woke up for real (8am) just re-read my dreams. cool. so many details. maybe i'll bring them to group to be interpreted. i love this blog thing. so what am i going to do today? hmmm. maybe go in to the office? i hear the program director next door. i'll have to try and sneak out like i'm going to teach still. why do i always feel like i've been a bad girl when i see her? i think because she only talks to me when i'm in trouble. now i associate her with that only.

Damm I want some cookies. How do you make them? I wonder what my coworker would say if i tried? (now @330am) I could drive to the grocery store and buy some premade cookie dough. What is the metaphor here?

Damm my head kills. And I feel SICK, like I'm going to barf all of a sudden!!! Why do I feel so shitty?! I don't think the alcohol could be affecting me 24 hours later could it? Is it the HTP stuff? The coffee? But that was over 7 hours ago! huh? I never get naseous. Whats going on?!

My head is pounding. Maybe it was the 5 Long Island Ice Teas last night at the club. Had a spontaneous 1st date with a guy, J, whos been calling me alot the past couple weeks from the on-line dating thing. He's 24 and into me. Why? As I feared, the club was full of young-ins (without rythym) so he and I shook it up and jammed like old-school pros. Felt good. Damm good. After the club closed at 4am we drove to the city and he wrapped his arm around me. It was so sweet and romantic in my intoxicated delirium. I haven't experienced such sweetness in an extraordinarily long time. It felt more like a highschool fantasy world than the hard bitter adult life I recently began resigning to. Damm, things are going good! We then went to the beach and made-out in the bushes under a blanket until it started getting light and I noticed people beginning to filter by us. Startled, I jumped up and was ready to go. Turns out that was a good call since 5 minutes later an Easter church service began right on the beach just beyond those same bushes! As we walked out of the park, people were streaming in! haha
What are the odds. He took me home and I crashed for a couple hours. I had an interesting dream about my brother. I wonder if that was because my date reminded me of him a little. When I woke up I felt happy (!!!!) and looked forward to spending the rest of the day before coming here to work. I repeat: I LOOKED FORWARD TO WAKING UP. (.....WHOA!......)

Grabbed an Espresso Frappuchino (yummm) dropped by the health food store for a salad and spent an hour online at their nifty computer by the sunlit window while grooving to their evokative, whimsical music. I smiled to myself for no reason. I reread my most recent email from my old highschool english teacher that I've been corresponding with and glowed. I love hearing from him, his writing, his poetry, our connection. It makes me feel so special and honored. I don't know why, but he says the same.

Then headed back to the beach, sat and watched with wonder the kite surfers launching into the air, twisting and flipping like human frisbees. I brought my big 35-80 mm camera (that Greg loaned/gave me) and pretended to be a photographer snapping a couple shots on the shore. I don't think they'll look too great since it was overcast , but just for the memories, it'll be fun.

Then J called. He wanted to see me before I went to work so he came by the beach! Wow! It was nice. Flattering but (weird?) to see him. I liked his company but he kept trying to kiss me which was, um, freaky! Weird! Embarrassing! Confusing! I don't know. He's so young. And we were in public. And I barely know him. And what will the neighbors think? Ugh. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings by fending him off, but ugh, I just couldn't do it. What would you have done?

Wow its 1pm.. I've been messing with this blog thing for hours now, guessing and playing with the template stuff. I don't know what i'm doing but I keep moving stuff around and seeing what it does. I feel like a magician. Cool.

Now its time to sneak out of this house. I hope everyone's gone. I don't feel like seeing the clients or staff. I hate mingling. Plus, I might get trapped into working a shift!!! ACK! RUNNNNN!

Dreams last night:

#1...Kept running into famous people. Had a date with Britney Spears. I was skeptical it would work, but for some reason she seemed interested. A guy I barely know, Matt, happened by and said Hi, I jumped up enthusiastically to greet him. It crosses my mind that its good that she sees i have friends and especially goodlooking ones so I appear cooler. He makes a joke that I was with Britney Spears (like she was just a look-a-like) but then he noticed we weren't laughing and she got all uncomfortable. I try to figure out a way to protect her and divert attention but can't come up with anything on the spot. She must hate this, I think. I bet she just wants to be normal sometimes. Then his face dropped and he asked seriously, " What, you're not REALLY her are you?" and he stared at us, looking back and forth between us for an answer. Not long after, the whole place noticed and there was suddenly a swarm of pushy fans clamoring after her.

Dream 2:
Trying to get away from a suddenly dangerous situation. Teenage men thowing small blades at me as I climbed a staircase. One painfully lodged itself deep into my left hand. I tried to get away but didn't quite know where i was going or how to escape. Didn't seem to be able to get away quick enough. Suddenly cornered by 4 men in small space. I think I kept getting stabbed or something? I don't know. Later when I was retelling the story, (to some authority or something) i showed the damage on my left arm. There were all kinds of long strange scrapes up and down my arm and carved designs. I'm surprised by them and they remind of a girl from group that cuts herself. I breifly wonder if the group will mistake them as self injuries... The lady exclaimed she recongnized one shape on my wrist as an emblem for a local vicious gang. Now I had been branded and they would recongnize me as their property from now on. I was theirs. I felt terrified.

#3 My old india n da nce teacher is giving me a lesson in a small boxlike, sunlit yellow room. I think it is my parent's Redmond living room but we are in the state that i live now. She reveals to me that she doesn't dance here because there are too many asians and they will tear her apart. We giggle that I now know the secret and I want to convince her to get past that and dance anyway. I don't though, because I don't want to discourage her from being honest with me in the future. I want to just honor her feelings and not be pushy. I plug in a small casette player to get ready for a lesson. Will she give me a lesson? I want to be ready just in case. Maybe she'll see the casette player and see it as a hint that I want to learn. She notices my cell phone is about to die. She becomes adamant that I MUST recharge it RIGHT AWAY or i'll have to "reset" it again. I try to tell her its ok, no big deal, i can always recharge it, but she persists, its URGENT, she knows other young girls that were very irresponsible, lazy and did not keep up with their cell phones, and they let them die, and then they had a very complicated time trying to get them going again, they had to type in a series of numbers (like a code.) She is adamant about this. There speaks with disdain. I try to reassure her and I rush to get the charger to appease her and get her off the inconsequential subject.

#4 We're (dance teacher and i) are in the Redmond laundry room (i think) and see a young star lying down in the garage. Teacher invites her in for a date with the neighbor boy, Todd. She stand ups, uninterested, and saunters in. They seize each other up. She HAD appeared rather innocent, young, but now she makes a knowing/old person statement about men and all they want and how she knows how to give it to them. She seems hardenend and knowing beyond her years. ...Then she's coming up an escalator and we are watching her. The top of the escalater is the costume/wig dream area...

DREAM #5
At a mall like area. We have wigs lots of funny colored silly wigs. Masses of people are filling in. We are provided them with wigs. And then costumes. And there are dozens, hundreds of people standing around, clamoring for costumes, many people i know, they returned and exchanged like mad, we toss them on a big rack. A football team filters in, there is a song from a musical playing in the background, it is really just regualr people with big costumes we had loaned them and lots of padding in their shoulders. The jog in single file, smiling, behind us. The air is festive. I think to myself, this might be a fun business to be in, maybe i'll persuade my friend to start one with me! (I think the friend is the girl that cuts herself in group that I have a strong connection with. She's artisitic and good with computer graphics.)

Okay just finished my official bonified last day of teaching school. Preparing my students for the final exam to receive their diplomas. It was actually fun and I did great! I'm so proud of myself. Who was that masked woman? Why was I so on-it? Dynamic and fun? Clear explanations and all. Well, at least I was today. Ask me tomorrow and I'm sure you'll get a whole other story. If I had lots of todays, I'd be more encouraged to continue. So, what's the variable, I wonder?

I'm still in the class now, killing time before group therapy in a couple hours, websurfing and adding to my new best friend, this bloggie thing. Been reading about 5HTP, its benefits, the way it works, FDA's opinion, etc. I stumbled on some info on Pharmaceutical anti-depressants while I was at it. I really didn't have any idea how severe side affects can be! Thank god I never started or bought into the Multi-Billion dollar industry. (I wonder how big the alternative medicine industry is? Is it an "industry?" hmm) Anyway, one webpage mentioned that Paxil has been banned in several countries siting withdrawal symptoms comparable to that of Heroin withdrawals. Geez. Is that true?! The group home that I work at prescribes these meds to the kids like candy. "Oh? You couldn't sleep last night? There, there, here's a bottle of Seroquel!" ...."Oh? You're feeling grumpy? Tsk Tsk. Take these!" "You're looking a little pudgy. Eat this Topamax....Oh the label says it's for epiliesy? Don't mind that, it will make you look better." [God forbid we have fat people around that make us uncomfortable.] These kids don't even ask for the fucking medicine. It's simply prescribed. Some of them take over 6 meds a night. Ask them why, and rarely are they able to provide an answer. (Maybe its that drug induced stupor. haha)

I guess some things are simply beyond understanding. Or maybe just belief.

Its midnight & I'm gettin ready to turn in so I don't have much energy to say much. Worked for 11 hours at the office; organizing, boxing old papers scattered about from the past 6 years of their disorganized operation, consolidating the many hundreds and hundreds of unbilled invoices. I expect to find at least a couple hundred thousand dollars that could have been billed. If we recover half of it, it'll be a thrill. I just can't understand how the owner let it get so bad. How can you live with that? I would go bezerk. Why didn't he ask for help? Or hire someone? I try to congnizant of "rubbing it in," but its so hard not to react to the insanity of it all. What will all the customers all back as far as 1996 if we were to attempt to bill them now? I almost think it will reinforce the ineptitude of the company. Maybe he should should cut his losses, and get off on the right foot from now on. So far I've filled 19 bankers boxes with random misc papers scattered and stacked about the office from the past years. I expect there's about 5 more to go before its all up and out of the way. I also spent a day relieving the owner's desk of its heavy stacks of docs. The dusty, buggy papers on the bottom dated as far back as 1999. I feel a strange combination of pity, perverse excitement, and superiority. A surprising reaction that I dislike but find interesting. I see myself mirrored by him. I could imagine myself being in his place had I started a business right off the bat without having the benefit of working in an office before. I really empathize with what its like to be overwhelmed and burried.

DREAMS LAST NIGHT:

My car got broken into twice, smashed, all the goodies stolen, once happened within 5 minutes of parking. I think it was at a school (highschool) parking lot? No one paid attention/security guards no where in sight/didn't care.

At a hospital type location, walking while wheeling around a IV bag of blood (my blood that was being siphoned out) I was due to have the bag changed (blood was overflowing and tripping in a trail behind me. But I couldn't locate a nurse to help me. While looking for one, I passed an old man who had just passed out and was also bleeding, I ran and found a nurse to help him, and figured i'd point out my situation after he was taken care of.

I have a date I have a date I have a date with a nifty sounding fella Friday night that i've never met before. I told him I'm fat and he still wants to go out! Shocking! I hate it when that doesn't sufficiently scare men off, but excited just the same. Now what am I gonna do. :: gulp ::

Group therapy was interesting tonight. I didn't cry once. I'm feeling more like myself of years ago. I had the energy to participate and even ask questions and care. Its annoying when group members sleep. Maybe I should have ASSERTED MYSelf and said so. But it feels so contrived when the facilitator fishes for a response from the others. Makes me wanna rebel and go the other direction instead. Anyway, besides that what did we talk about? One woman's self-injuring (cutting), a suicide, perfectionism, aligning with the masculine in our families of origin and denying the feminine - labeling it as weak and stupid... (ie: crying and emotion) Also the question was posed, "Who would I be without my eating disorder?" (In my case, without being fat.) hmmmmmmmmm Oh yes, also we discussed the role of INTUITION and soul, living who we TRULY are and meant to be, as opposed to over identifying with simply THOUGHT or EMOTION or the physical BODY. It has been hypothesized that illness results when there is disharmony between our lives and our soul's desires..... We are afflicted with a deep intuitive dissonance that manifests through physical and mental disorders.

ASSERTIVENESS ALERT: 2 Recent Victories.......

1. I STRONGLY expressed my displeasure and discomfort to my landlord when he barged into my apartment without my letting him in last Saturday morning. He apologized and we continued chatting for I'd say a good 20 minutes or so. I was still in my sleeping clothes and couldn't see him because I hadn't put my contacts in yet. It was embarrassing and awkward but it also made me MAD and I think I let him know!!! I noticed it looked like he'd come in last week too because the rice cooker under my sink had been moved to the kitchen floor and wheely plastic bin thingy was near my bed. What the hell! He didn't leave a note or give me a heads up or anything. (They were repairing the pipes next door and needed access apparently.) Anyway, I said I didn't like it finally, and he heard. He is one of the nicest men I know, so its would be hard to get TOO mad, and in way, he kindness was what presented an excellent, safe opportunity to try-on this new hat, "Saying What I Feel."

2. Greg called me and asked if I was coming to his Birthday Party last Thursday. I told him I was surprised he was inviting me since the last couple times I saw him didn't go well. Despite his supposed CONFUSION I elaborated and in no-uncertain terms told him I hadn't enjoyed being around him much lately, felt mistreated, put-down and generally disrespected. He tried dilligently to argue the point, tell me how I was wrong, and basically said I was making it all up. When you think about it, that's kinda funny! (....."You're WRONG!! YOU DON'T FEEL PUT-DOWN AND DISRESPECTED!! BITCH! ) HA ha ha... Writing this reminds me that I'm not crazy. In fact I think I was really quite awesome. I countered him with a vengeance but did well by not getting sucked into his bazarro anti-logic or taunts into saracasm or pettiness. (I swear, I really can be non-sarcastic in real, non-blog life.) I stayed clean!!!! I don't mind seeing him again, but its remarkable to hold a clear sense of what's acceptable, what's not, and that I can simply chose to extract myself from a conversation or situation that's not. At ANY POINT COMPELLED. HA! ..... ha.HA!....... YEAH!.....That feels soooo greeeeeeeEEAATT!!! YES! Mainly, regardless of the outcome, I SAID, (outloud), simply, "It doesn't feel good to be treated that way. I don't like it!"
More clearly put, (as I cut him off during a rant and difinitively stated),
"You can take it leave it. (I don't give a shit) because it doesn't change MY truth. I'm expressing to you how I feel! PERIOD"
:::gloating smirk::: Yesssssss.

That's TWO for Recovery
(and 1,242,998,231.02 for the melancholic abyss)

But H E Y, WE'RE MOVING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!!!!!! H A !!!!!

Wow. Do I contradict myself or what. I'm at school right now. Just got done teaching. Why am I such an idiot? I LOVE TEACHING. I always think I hate it (I've noticed) while on breaks, and then I show back up, slap myself on the forehead, and vehementally exclaim, "WHAT WAS I THINKING!!! THIS IS SO GREAT!" I love my students. I love our unbelievable rapport. I love the jokes. Supporting them. Having fun. Being creative and goofy and trying my best to inspire through patience and positive feedback.

Good. No one's visiting me. Still free to be an idiot without fear of being recongnized. (Of course anyone who knows me would NEVER believe I was an idiot.) My feet are all dry and peeling and have this super thick sick, I mean thick skin on the side by my big toe. What causes that? Gross. Why didn't it ever happen before? Is it because I'm getting so old and starting to deteriorate? Maybe its because I haven't drank any water for like, months. I hear that's super bad for you for lots of reasons, but, its so hard to remember. What a chore. Then you have to pee constantly which really can be inconvenient. In fact, the whole self maintenance thing seems way too consuming. I cut off my fake nails with a regular scissors Saturday after getting fed up when trying to type at the office. Now they are jagged stubs that could easily be considered claw-like weapons. In the middle of the night, I picked at my pointer finger nail thinking I could just pry off the leftovers but it didn't work out so well and I inadvertently ripped off not only the fake stuff, buy my real nail too half way up the nail bed. Smart.

I think I still have that nasty ear fungus too. It's been over 6 months since my ear hasn't oozed that slimy liquid stuff. Yeah, I really am as sexy as I sound.

Tomorrow I have to teach again for a couple days. I'm not looking forward to it. At all. It fucking stresses me out. And half the time the "kids" are such little shits. But I smile and laugh and divert attention from the misbehaviors and try to move the class along. Inside I burn. 2 more days though and I'm done. Done for good. Done Done Done. Fuck that. There's got to be a better way. Not that there weren't the good moments. But so few and far between. I hated having to beg and tapdance and turn cartwheels to keep them focused. WHEN I WAS A KID, I never needed so much prodding just for the basics; wanting to learn, to do good, improve myself. Its just depressing sometimes. But then again, I guess its not hard to depress the depressed.

I have still been doing remarkably good lately though. My moods stellar. Although I slept all day again today. I woke up accidently 10 minute before work at 7pm. Who would have guessed i would slept that late! GEEZ. My sleep patterns are bizarre. I stayed at the office until 2am Friday night (willingly.) And then came back the next morning [AFTER BEING WOKEN UP BY MY LANDLORD BARGING INTO MY APARTMENT WHILE I WAS SHOWERING IN THE BATHROOM!!!!] to keep working until 9pm (voluntarily again) I think I like being there. It feels good to be near a family. I like who everyone keeps stopping be and saying HI or just shoot the shit. I like how they invite me to have dinners with them, or how the little kids stop by and give me flowers. It must be nice to have a family. People to live with. People to love. People who know if you're alive. I miss that. I'd like that.

I watched the Director Commentary for "The Score," a movie with Robert Deniro/Marlon Brandon/Eward Norton/Angla Basset, several times lately. I liked it. Good tips on camera moves and lighting. I wonder if I'll really pursue filmmaking some day. What would that be like. Would I like it? I'll keep sitting on it for a while until something more percolates or perhaps I die. Whichever occurs first. Meanwhile, I'll watch the DVD's. My Film School.

Did I mention, "One Week"? I enjoyed that too. A way low-budget first time director/writer's creation. It gave me inspiration and hope to create too. The commentary was especially geared towards little people. Very kewl. I hope they keep on keepin' on... Sound like good guys.