It's better, but still hard. While i'm here i feel intense tension. Nervousness. Discomfort. I don't like to take showers. I cover myself with many layers of baggy clothes. I feel on edge. I brace myself for unexpected explosions. I have strange unpleasant dreams of being mistreated and rudely exposed. I work dilligently to not overeat, but It's hard not to squelch these pervasive creeps.
How do i remedy these feelings in the seeming context of such normalcy? When my Mom and i returned from school, the lovely home was filled with the scent of homemade apple pie and freshly churned(?) pasta. Dad was singing to showtunes and greeted me heartily. I videoed the scene and he clowned and danced for the camera before he goofily addressed D, "HIIIIII DEEEEEEEEE!!! YOU HAVE TO COME VISIIIT USSS SOOONN!!! WE CAN PLAY POOOKERRRR!!!" etc.... Was it him or a twisted circus mirror contortion? What's real and what can i expect?
This afternoon he wants to, "go have some fun" at some touristy neighboring town on the water.... Am i looking forward to it or afraid? Tonight the 3 of us will go to a local play.
No comments:
Post a Comment