goooooood eve en ing.
I just added a counter to this blog thang. Boy do I feel like a genius. I think I'll call Mensa and ask to be put on their mailing list.
I woke up at 8am, got outa here quick to avoid the staff meeting. Went home and accidently fell asleep again until nearly noon. Then I took off to the office again and organized and filed until 9pm! zzzzzz.. Oh yeah, and I learned how to do General Exise Tax Returns! Man was I getting irritable and hungry. Grabbed a nasty McDonald's meal on the way to work here at the Group Home. Boy I hate/love those nasty things. I mean, it always sounds good at the moment, but afterwards I feel like exploding all over my car windows. (Of course I only eat them while driving.) I haven't done to badly though this week by partaking only a couple times. I just gotta leave enough time for myself to scavenge for real food. Food-Food. As in, like, with some semblance of nutrition involved. Well, I guess burgers do have a pickle.
Mar 31, 2004
Mar 29, 2004
I actually woke up and felt strangely awake today. How peculiar. In fact i've been doing unusually well for several days now. Is it the 5HTP? Is it not teaching anymore? Is it therapy? Is it just luck? Whoooo knows. 2nd day of "Moon Time." Went in to the office to help organize again. (Went yesterday too.) Feels so AWESOME totally revamping the place. Though often terribly daunting. At one point today it was necessary to stop, regroup, breathe deep and then take a quick drive to clear my mind. I had started feeling overwhelmed and then suddenly verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry sleepy. When I came back I felt renewed and dug-in with a renewed vengeance. Perhaps all that fatigue when working at Keith's office was a mental reaction from the stress and negative inner-critic and fear of his disapproval and anger. Interesting. I will continue working on learning how to tolerate feelings and working through them without giving up and resorting to my addiction: numbing with food. At the time today, I suddenly craved candy. But I noticed which was terrific progress. A learning experience. I remember growing up anytime I got mildly frustrated/irritated/bored with schoolwork, I'd head straight for the cupboards. If I felt really bad, I'd just eat into oblivion until I couldn't think or feel about anything else. That's when I really began gradually gaining weight, year after year. I might have been nice if someone was involved enough in my life to have noticed or cared and intervened or helped me, or really just SAW me at all. I've always felt so invisible.
I'm still carrying around my new purse. It feels so weird. So girly. Like playing make-believe as a little kid and tromping around in my Mom's giant heels and foofy hats.
Then had a group session with Judith then here to work for the night. Group went well I think. I talked too much at one point about Starbucks and irritated two group members. Boy did I feel stupid. I'm trying to be brave and keep talking though since I continue getting peculiar feedback that i'm too quiet. It's strange cuz it sure feels different to me. I guess my perception is off.
I also made the observation that moving beyond an eating disorder seems to be a very slow and gradual thing that just creeps up on you after laying a long and arduous foundation. Its not a matter of willpower, something you have to force upon yourself or use discipline or force (domination) to create. Instead, I think it will just naturally happen as your mind becomes steadily infilitrated with a new perspective, way of life, new tools, and belief in yourself that comes from reguarl validation of comembers and therapists. You work naturally and kindly with all the various aspects of yourself in a respectful, patient matter. (Dominion)
I'm still carrying around my new purse. It feels so weird. So girly. Like playing make-believe as a little kid and tromping around in my Mom's giant heels and foofy hats.
Then had a group session with Judith then here to work for the night. Group went well I think. I talked too much at one point about Starbucks and irritated two group members. Boy did I feel stupid. I'm trying to be brave and keep talking though since I continue getting peculiar feedback that i'm too quiet. It's strange cuz it sure feels different to me. I guess my perception is off.
I also made the observation that moving beyond an eating disorder seems to be a very slow and gradual thing that just creeps up on you after laying a long and arduous foundation. Its not a matter of willpower, something you have to force upon yourself or use discipline or force (domination) to create. Instead, I think it will just naturally happen as your mind becomes steadily infilitrated with a new perspective, way of life, new tools, and belief in yourself that comes from reguarl validation of comembers and therapists. You work naturally and kindly with all the various aspects of yourself in a respectful, patient matter. (Dominion)
Mar 26, 2004
FUCK. I'm going to fucking cry... That's twice I wrote this stupid fucking journal entry and the power blinked off/on and I lost it all... The first time it was the most complete, longest free-write I've ever done... I'd say at least a good 4 pages or so on this past weekend's events... I had a lot I wanted to say and express.. Oh Fucking wellllll ::sigh::: VERY QUICK RECAP then... For the THIRD AND FINAL TIME:
FRIDAY: therapy with Carol, I talked about my embarrassment admitting that I might want to be in a relationship... I felt so ashamed, like "who does she think she is? What right does such a fat and ugly girl have to think someone might want her?!" carol seemed taken aback but its hard to be sure since I rarely can make eye contact with her when talking.... It was a gray and cloudy day.. Flash floods until 9pm, I think
Friday evening: saw the Tom Hanks flick with Greg, asshole of the ages.... He's beyond asshole status I'd say really.. I'm seriously reevaluating spending any more time with him, at ALL.... I don't know why he continues to invite me out when he seems to treat me with such tremendous disdain and plain nastiness... Like biting into apple and finding nasty gooey bitter brown stuff... HE'S SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE.... and it just makes me so mad sometimes
Saturday: went dancin (alone) at the club again... Met a man named Kalani, a kinda "off" man, a fun guy from Haiti that danced with me to some good lively island samba like music, and Mr African sticky fingers that wouldn't take no for an answer... I must have said DON'T, STOPIT, PLEASE DON'T, KNOCK IT OFF, DON'T DON'T DON'T.. I'd say at least a good 20 times before finally I got up and said "I'm oughta here" .. Why it took me so long is a good question, i guess the desire to be near someone, short of fucking,... but I like focusing on my unusual level of assertiveness... I don't think I've been as clear and straightforward in a similar-such compromising situation before.. It felt good... Real good. I hope to keep it going, and improving and maybe I'll be able to drop this protective shell of fat once and for all..... I'm sick of being fat..
good news though.. I don't think I really ate compulsively much at all the past couple days! coooool.... its exciting
I didn't get up until about 7am Sunday morning then crashed out until time for work at 7pm Sunday.... I grabbed a big salad at Down to Earth on the way...
At work, the 6 clients were in pretty good spirits and didn't give Rick and I much of a hard time at all... I love it when things are smooth and everyone's cool... It's makes it so much easier to come to work... Now things are major mellow, he's kickin back on the couch watching TV and munchin on a sandwich.. and well, I'm right here writing his friggin blog for the 3rd time after writing emails for a couple hours and checking my match.com winks.. heh heh..... i feel so desired and desirable all of sudden.. maybe i'm not the biggest loser on the planet afterall... i think i've suddenly promoted myself a couple notches on the scale of worthiness as a human being.. anyway, later gaters...
love and kisses,
indigo
FRIDAY: therapy with Carol, I talked about my embarrassment admitting that I might want to be in a relationship... I felt so ashamed, like "who does she think she is? What right does such a fat and ugly girl have to think someone might want her?!" carol seemed taken aback but its hard to be sure since I rarely can make eye contact with her when talking.... It was a gray and cloudy day.. Flash floods until 9pm, I think
Friday evening: saw the Tom Hanks flick with Greg, asshole of the ages.... He's beyond asshole status I'd say really.. I'm seriously reevaluating spending any more time with him, at ALL.... I don't know why he continues to invite me out when he seems to treat me with such tremendous disdain and plain nastiness... Like biting into apple and finding nasty gooey bitter brown stuff... HE'S SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE.... and it just makes me so mad sometimes
Saturday: went dancin (alone) at the club again... Met a man named Kalani, a kinda "off" man, a fun guy from Haiti that danced with me to some good lively island samba like music, and Mr African sticky fingers that wouldn't take no for an answer... I must have said DON'T, STOPIT, PLEASE DON'T, KNOCK IT OFF, DON'T DON'T DON'T.. I'd say at least a good 20 times before finally I got up and said "I'm oughta here" .. Why it took me so long is a good question, i guess the desire to be near someone, short of fucking,... but I like focusing on my unusual level of assertiveness... I don't think I've been as clear and straightforward in a similar-such compromising situation before.. It felt good... Real good. I hope to keep it going, and improving and maybe I'll be able to drop this protective shell of fat once and for all..... I'm sick of being fat..
good news though.. I don't think I really ate compulsively much at all the past couple days! coooool.... its exciting
I didn't get up until about 7am Sunday morning then crashed out until time for work at 7pm Sunday.... I grabbed a big salad at Down to Earth on the way...
At work, the 6 clients were in pretty good spirits and didn't give Rick and I much of a hard time at all... I love it when things are smooth and everyone's cool... It's makes it so much easier to come to work... Now things are major mellow, he's kickin back on the couch watching TV and munchin on a sandwich.. and well, I'm right here writing his friggin blog for the 3rd time after writing emails for a couple hours and checking my match.com winks.. heh heh..... i feel so desired and desirable all of sudden.. maybe i'm not the biggest loser on the planet afterall... i think i've suddenly promoted myself a couple notches on the scale of worthiness as a human being.. anyway, later gaters...
love and kisses,
indigo
Mar 25, 2004
Niteynite, time for bed. It's 5am and I'm done watchting tv with my coworker Aimee. I love Jerry Springfield. He's so worth staying up for. That and the Jack N' the Box tacos tonight. Just like good ol' times with Marky...... Good coworker bonding time. Anything to take my mind off the humilation of earlier Ugh. DON'T REMIND ME!
GOD.... I'M SUCH AN IDIOT I'M SUCH AN IDIOT I'M SUCH A STUPID BUMBLING IDIOT. I just got back from a spontaneous dinner with my new "friend" C that I met dancing (last?) week. God I was SUCH AN IDIOT!!! I suddenly felt uncontrollably stupid and embarrassed and nervous and insecure. He must think i'm AN IIIIIIIIIDDDDDDIIIIIIOOOTTTT... I'm sure he'll never want to see me again. Tomorrow he leaves for Guam for a couple days. I will count the days but hope to never see him again because I feel like a TOTAL IDIOT!!! AAAAACCCCCkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk What was I ever thinking? Shit. Why would he be interested in me. I am fat and stupid and SOOOOOOOOO I N S E C U R E !!!!!!!! God I'm and idiot....... What a mistake. What a mistake... What a mistake....... What a STUPID MISTAKE..... I have just should stayed home in safety and not have pretended I can be something I'm not..... (ie:Interesting, or attractive or worth the time of someone's romantic interest.) SHit!
Mar 24, 2004
Hey this thing posts pictures. How cool is that. I like this silly quiz thing...


You have a free soul! As all the souls go, yours is
the most free-spirited and adventurous. You
like camping, hiking, or interaction with other
people. Your a social butterfly, but not
because of your style, but because of your
willingness to communicate with everyone. You
probably have close friends who can rely on you
because you always seem to know whats going on
in the world. You love music and are
free-spirited and someone fun to be around. A
born leader and great explorer-dont ever
change-the world needs more people like you.
the most free-spirited and adventurous. You
like camping, hiking, or interaction with other
people. Your a social butterfly, but not
because of your style, but because of your
willingness to communicate with everyone. You
probably have close friends who can rely on you
because you always seem to know whats going on
in the world. You love music and are
free-spirited and someone fun to be around. A
born leader and great explorer-dont ever
change-the world needs more people like you.
525am now and still i resist sleep. What is that about. Watched some lame empty TV with Aimee, my coworker. (Even though I'm not officially working.) I don't want to go home. I told her about J's obsessive calling. She confirmed my feelings; that its weird and scary and stalker-like. I'm glad to know i'm not crazy. Yesterday he called 3 times between 10p and 11:15 alone. (No messages)
I feel so unstable tonight. Nothing seems comfortable. There is a vacuous quality to the air.
I feel so unstable tonight. Nothing seems comfortable. There is a vacuous quality to the air.
Mar 23, 2004
Dominion vs. Domination, an interesting concept, that there is an unlimited amount of power in the universe that every person can and has a right to tap into, that power is not a pie with a limited amount, reserved for a few at the top, that if I have power, it does not take away your power and that our power can come from within without having to dominate others. Win/win.... It seems so subversive, alien to Western linear black & white culture. Nice.
Other "Recovery" pieces to remember Indigo;
Facades, hiding; "I'm ok"
Grumpiness, anger, hurt; there's a reason, research it, let it out
Coping Mechanisms; food journal, art, breathing, regular meals (no starving)
Self-Expression; your truth, your inner self
Accessing, allowing, experiencing and letting out emotions
Black & White thinking & Self Hate: If its not perfect, I am a failure, worthless
Assertiveness: I feel___ when you____ because ______
Taking your needs into consideration: You're as important as everyone else
Get the ball rolling & it will continue rolling
Change happens gradually and often imperceptibly
By the suggestion of my coworker Mark, I looked for Woody Allen movies today but couldn't find any at Blockbuster. Especially, "Husbands and Wives," Mark said. Where can I find it? Also looked for "Chasing the Dead" with Nicolas Cage. My old friend Robert said it changed his perspective on how to deal with his clients. Now he just simply gives them choices and consequences and takes credit neither for their failures or successes. That makes alot of sense and I'm proud of his maturity. (I haven't spoken to him in years.) He said he's going to try to get a flight out here next week for the weekend. Sounds like it should be great but I am worried because I am fat and feel ashamed to see him. Why do I always let that get in the way? It plagues me.
Other "Recovery" pieces to remember Indigo;
Facades, hiding; "I'm ok"
Grumpiness, anger, hurt; there's a reason, research it, let it out
Coping Mechanisms; food journal, art, breathing, regular meals (no starving)
Self-Expression; your truth, your inner self
Accessing, allowing, experiencing and letting out emotions
Black & White thinking & Self Hate: If its not perfect, I am a failure, worthless
Assertiveness: I feel___ when you____ because ______
Taking your needs into consideration: You're as important as everyone else
Get the ball rolling & it will continue rolling
Change happens gradually and often imperceptibly
By the suggestion of my coworker Mark, I looked for Woody Allen movies today but couldn't find any at Blockbuster. Especially, "Husbands and Wives," Mark said. Where can I find it? Also looked for "Chasing the Dead" with Nicolas Cage. My old friend Robert said it changed his perspective on how to deal with his clients. Now he just simply gives them choices and consequences and takes credit neither for their failures or successes. That makes alot of sense and I'm proud of his maturity. (I haven't spoken to him in years.) He said he's going to try to get a flight out here next week for the weekend. Sounds like it should be great but I am worried because I am fat and feel ashamed to see him. Why do I always let that get in the way? It plagues me.
Okay 3 days down, 1 to go until the weekend. Whatever that means. I blew yesterday too. Went home at 11am (from here at work) watched "Ghost Dog" by recommendation of Greg which was a big mistake. (That's what I get for listening to Greg, the last living Neanderthal.) It was way too violent for me. Anyway, then, as usual, my little cat nap ended up as an all-night affair. What's wrong with me. I feel like such a loser. This "free-time" stuff is really not turning out well at all.
I think I've had an ear fungus for the past 6 months. But I don't feel like going in to have it fixed. Oh yeah, & I probably should the cavities filled that I've had for years, but some reason I barely take care of myself at all... Even taking my contacts out at night or brushing my teeth seems a monumental chore.... When I complete them I sing with delight. Maybe I should get meds like my therapist suggests? I think I'll keep taking the HTP stuff for a while and see if that turns me into a whole new human being. Keep your fingers crossed!
I think I've had an ear fungus for the past 6 months. But I don't feel like going in to have it fixed. Oh yeah, & I probably should the cavities filled that I've had for years, but some reason I barely take care of myself at all... Even taking my contacts out at night or brushing my teeth seems a monumental chore.... When I complete them I sing with delight. Maybe I should get meds like my therapist suggests? I think I'll keep taking the HTP stuff for a while and see if that turns me into a whole new human being. Keep your fingers crossed!
Mar 22, 2004
Another freakishly awesome day. This is worrisome since that usually means a nasty crash & burn is right around the corner, as the violent plummet to the ground is inevitably a long and ugly one.
Why so good today? Maybe that daily 100mg of that 5HTP stuff is kicken in or something. Or maybe its because men are validating me again after years of relative isolation. Or maybe because my teaching job ended last week and I have free time during the day again. Or maybe because finally my bank account is not overdrawn after having gotten paychecks last week. Or maybe my therapy is finally affecting my state of mind. Or most likely, maybe the stars and moon are in perfect alignment. Whatever it is, please don't go away.
I really like this C guy from the club. We spoke briefly tonight after therapy before work.. Wow. What a connection. It flows, it feels good, it feels positive, it feels sexy. Wow.
Met a J guy on the phone tonight. So young. So simple. He's into cars and working out and just got out of the military. I know there's no purpose in engaging much with him & I'm sure he wouldn't be into me anyway if we actually met in person and he saw how fat I am. But, oh well, its amusing if just for a minute.
Got a dry ltr of interest from a Dr. Tonight. I am flattered and shocked and wondering, am I misleading in my personal ad or something? What else could explain my attracting doctors and psychiatrists and executives and the like. Yikes.
An aside though, I'm noticing this pattern; the intelligent professional men are seeming so unremarkably safe and plain and emotionless. Does med school somehow kill the right-brain and leave you with a passionless clinical mind? I do think there's something to be said for getting a little buckwild and inappropriate once (or lots) in a while. Don't you think? Me? I just gotta be able to get stupid with the man I love...
Why so good today? Maybe that daily 100mg of that 5HTP stuff is kicken in or something. Or maybe its because men are validating me again after years of relative isolation. Or maybe because my teaching job ended last week and I have free time during the day again. Or maybe because finally my bank account is not overdrawn after having gotten paychecks last week. Or maybe my therapy is finally affecting my state of mind. Or most likely, maybe the stars and moon are in perfect alignment. Whatever it is, please don't go away.
I really like this C guy from the club. We spoke briefly tonight after therapy before work.. Wow. What a connection. It flows, it feels good, it feels positive, it feels sexy. Wow.
Met a J guy on the phone tonight. So young. So simple. He's into cars and working out and just got out of the military. I know there's no purpose in engaging much with him & I'm sure he wouldn't be into me anyway if we actually met in person and he saw how fat I am. But, oh well, its amusing if just for a minute.
Got a dry ltr of interest from a Dr. Tonight. I am flattered and shocked and wondering, am I misleading in my personal ad or something? What else could explain my attracting doctors and psychiatrists and executives and the like. Yikes.
An aside though, I'm noticing this pattern; the intelligent professional men are seeming so unremarkably safe and plain and emotionless. Does med school somehow kill the right-brain and leave you with a passionless clinical mind? I do think there's something to be said for getting a little buckwild and inappropriate once (or lots) in a while. Don't you think? Me? I just gotta be able to get stupid with the man I love...
Another freakishly awesome day. This is worrisome since that usually means a nasty crash & burn is right around the corner, as the violent plummet to the ground is inevitably a long and ugly one.
Why so good today? Maybe that daily 100mg of that 5HTP stuff is kicken in or something. Or maybe its because men are validating me again after years of relative isolation. Or maybe because my teaching job ended last week and I have free time during the day again. Or maybe because finally my bank account is not overdrawn after having gotten paychecks last week. Or maybe my therapy is finally affecting my state of mind. Or most likely, maybe the stars and moon are in perfect alignment. Whatever it is, please don't go away.
I really like this C guy from the club. We spoke briefly tonight after therapy before work.. Wow. What a connection. It flows, it feels good, it feels positive, it feels sexy. Wow.
Met a J guy on the phone tonight. So young. So simple. He's into cars and working out and just got out of the military. I know there's no purpose in engaging much with him & I'm sure he wouldn't be into me anyway if we actually met in person and he saw how fat I am. But, oh well, its amusing if just for a minute.
Got a dry ltr of interest from a Dr. Tonight. I am flattered and shocked and wondering, am I misleading in my personal ad or something? What else could explain my attracting doctors and psychiatrists and executives and the like. Yikes.
An aside though, I'm noticing this pattern; the intelligent professional men are seeming so unremarkably safe and plain and emotionless. Does med school somehow kill the right-brain and leave you with a passionless clinical mind? I do think there's something to be said for getting a little buckwild and inappropriate once (or lots) in a while. Don't you think? Me? I just gotta be able to get stupid with the man I love...
Why so good today? Maybe that daily 100mg of that 5HTP stuff is kicken in or something. Or maybe its because men are validating me again after years of relative isolation. Or maybe because my teaching job ended last week and I have free time during the day again. Or maybe because finally my bank account is not overdrawn after having gotten paychecks last week. Or maybe my therapy is finally affecting my state of mind. Or most likely, maybe the stars and moon are in perfect alignment. Whatever it is, please don't go away.
I really like this C guy from the club. We spoke briefly tonight after therapy before work.. Wow. What a connection. It flows, it feels good, it feels positive, it feels sexy. Wow.
Met a J guy on the phone tonight. So young. So simple. He's into cars and working out and just got out of the military. I know there's no purpose in engaging much with him & I'm sure he wouldn't be into me anyway if we actually met in person and he saw how fat I am. But, oh well, its amusing if just for a minute.
Got a dry ltr of interest from a Dr. Tonight. I am flattered and shocked and wondering, am I misleading in my personal ad or something? What else could explain my attracting doctors and psychiatrists and executives and the like. Yikes.
An aside though, I'm noticing this pattern; the intelligent professional men are seeming so unremarkably safe and plain and emotionless. Does med school somehow kill the right-brain and leave you with a passionless clinical mind? I do think there's something to be said for getting a little buckwild and inappropriate once (or lots) in a while. Don't you think? Me? I just gotta be able to get stupid with the man I love...
Another Dream
DREAM THIS MORNING:
Can't remember/don't feel like recalling all of it...
Do remember being at a party, sitting in the grass chatting with Harvey Peacock. He seemed excited by the attention of my friend and I. We were scooting down on our behinds in the grass to get a better look at his large rodeo posters on tagboard and suddenly realized we nearly about to drop off a cliff. He seemed unaffected but we quickly backtracked. I don't know how we didn't notice, but it seemed there were very few areas to stand as water was encroaching upon our space. It was flooding like a wetland. But the water was severly impenetrable. Had like a deadly, permanent feel to it. It became an obstacle course to "get back." There were large areas, loose, rugged areas to climb; sandy hilly area, rocks, stumps, steep embankements. I forged ahead and kinda skimmed over the top. The other two stay behind. I flapped my arms and floated a bit. I wasn't scared because I held a rope which I'd wrapped around a pole below so I knew I wouldn't fly away. I flapped and flapped high into the sky. Marypat oversaw it. I flapped all the way over to my friend, lowered the rope to her, and then raised her into the sky, pulled her over and past the muck and then lowered her down. Then back for Harvey.
He had a speech to give at the school. He wheeled up in his wheelchair. But then made some blunt remark and left, opting for a ride on the rope which he felt to be more interesting than the dumb speech. I was horrified and when he wheeled back to me standing at the door way, encourged him to go back. Afterall, we can do this later!
.....
I am in a large, lovely, luxurious, bathtub (almost jacuzzi) alone with myself. Running the bath. With bubbles. I love the privacy and can't wait.
......
It is Halloween time and there are many people around in the big, luxiourious home. There is more to this scene, but I can't remember now. There is a girl there that I am threatening. Oh yes. She pees on the hardwood floor, right in the middle of the kitchen behind a separating wall. The girls on the white couch just beyond the wall jump up and come over. I expect them to be disgusted and horrified at her bazarre behavior, but actually they simply grab a dustpan and garbage can and start cleaning it up (she's still peeing) and casually ask her why she didn't just use the restroom. I am shocked at their generosity. ...I seem to be able to evaporate and materialize in different parts of the house. Like a ghost. I like that control.
Can't remember/don't feel like recalling all of it...
Do remember being at a party, sitting in the grass chatting with Harvey Peacock. He seemed excited by the attention of my friend and I. We were scooting down on our behinds in the grass to get a better look at his large rodeo posters on tagboard and suddenly realized we nearly about to drop off a cliff. He seemed unaffected but we quickly backtracked. I don't know how we didn't notice, but it seemed there were very few areas to stand as water was encroaching upon our space. It was flooding like a wetland. But the water was severly impenetrable. Had like a deadly, permanent feel to it. It became an obstacle course to "get back." There were large areas, loose, rugged areas to climb; sandy hilly area, rocks, stumps, steep embankements. I forged ahead and kinda skimmed over the top. The other two stay behind. I flapped my arms and floated a bit. I wasn't scared because I held a rope which I'd wrapped around a pole below so I knew I wouldn't fly away. I flapped and flapped high into the sky. Marypat oversaw it. I flapped all the way over to my friend, lowered the rope to her, and then raised her into the sky, pulled her over and past the muck and then lowered her down. Then back for Harvey.
He had a speech to give at the school. He wheeled up in his wheelchair. But then made some blunt remark and left, opting for a ride on the rope which he felt to be more interesting than the dumb speech. I was horrified and when he wheeled back to me standing at the door way, encourged him to go back. Afterall, we can do this later!
.....
I am in a large, lovely, luxurious, bathtub (almost jacuzzi) alone with myself. Running the bath. With bubbles. I love the privacy and can't wait.
......
It is Halloween time and there are many people around in the big, luxiourious home. There is more to this scene, but I can't remember now. There is a girl there that I am threatening. Oh yes. She pees on the hardwood floor, right in the middle of the kitchen behind a separating wall. The girls on the white couch just beyond the wall jump up and come over. I expect them to be disgusted and horrified at her bazarre behavior, but actually they simply grab a dustpan and garbage can and start cleaning it up (she's still peeing) and casually ask her why she didn't just use the restroom. I am shocked at their generosity. ...I seem to be able to evaporate and materialize in different parts of the house. Like a ghost. I like that control.
Mar 21, 2004
dream
kay. better write this mornings dream before i forget.. no actually yesterday mornings dream (its 2am allready.. ::gulp::)
in a car again. jeep like. driving at a furious rate, controlling it quite well but unable to slow down or stop. i'm controlling the car from afar, moving it like its a video game. i'm observing but also in the car. because i can not stop i inevitably hit something. (i can't remember, it may have been people and i may have seriously injured/killed them) but it's hard to be sure because of the tremendous speed at which i'm racing ahead. after the collision, i know i must think quickly. hide the evidence. and immediately i plow myself and the car over a bridge and into a river where we are submerged. police/rescue workers soon pull us from the depths. dragging my seemingly dead body. (i am a man at this point) i wait for the opportune momemt to make my gettaway. and as they climb the banks supporting me parallel to the ground over their heads, i jump up, and make a dash for it. i drive off again furiously hoping to escape. i find myself in a twisted, tight residential neighborhood taking tight turns. the roads get smaller and smaller until i am driving on top of trashcans and the like. they eventually are reduced to only a couple feet across. i wonder how far away the police are as surely they are pursuing me. i am in great danger/trouble. just then i see 2 young people in a green car pull into their home. as the garage door opens, i jump inside the back seat of their car i rip of my two hoop earings and muss up my shoulder lengths brown hair to disguise myself, JUST IN CASE the police turn the corner and see me. . I desparately plead for their mercy and ask if I can temporarily take cover in their home. they agree easily and the garage door closes behind us. thank god. i feel a tremendous sense of relief. i have temporarily (a couple days or so) found safety. the cops will not find me here. .....the 3 of us enter the home. the entry way makes me feel immediately at home. it is funky and artsy. there is a beaded curtain made from shells hanging across the ceiling/wall in front of us. there are colorful funky solid colored chairs, and large pieces of maybe homemade art. then we enter the apartment. it is spacious and lovely, though not fancy. i admire and wish i had a nice place like this. the middle area is decorated in asian decor. above you can see the 2nd floor bedroom. the man steps down from above and asks me which futon i might like to sleep on for the night. they are small, foldaway type mats. he suggest strongly the one he is holding because it is firm and the best quality. i appreciate the courtesy and answer that either is fine. whichever is the least trouble.
in a car again. jeep like. driving at a furious rate, controlling it quite well but unable to slow down or stop. i'm controlling the car from afar, moving it like its a video game. i'm observing but also in the car. because i can not stop i inevitably hit something. (i can't remember, it may have been people and i may have seriously injured/killed them) but it's hard to be sure because of the tremendous speed at which i'm racing ahead. after the collision, i know i must think quickly. hide the evidence. and immediately i plow myself and the car over a bridge and into a river where we are submerged. police/rescue workers soon pull us from the depths. dragging my seemingly dead body. (i am a man at this point) i wait for the opportune momemt to make my gettaway. and as they climb the banks supporting me parallel to the ground over their heads, i jump up, and make a dash for it. i drive off again furiously hoping to escape. i find myself in a twisted, tight residential neighborhood taking tight turns. the roads get smaller and smaller until i am driving on top of trashcans and the like. they eventually are reduced to only a couple feet across. i wonder how far away the police are as surely they are pursuing me. i am in great danger/trouble. just then i see 2 young people in a green car pull into their home. as the garage door opens, i jump inside the back seat of their car i rip of my two hoop earings and muss up my shoulder lengths brown hair to disguise myself, JUST IN CASE the police turn the corner and see me. . I desparately plead for their mercy and ask if I can temporarily take cover in their home. they agree easily and the garage door closes behind us. thank god. i feel a tremendous sense of relief. i have temporarily (a couple days or so) found safety. the cops will not find me here. .....the 3 of us enter the home. the entry way makes me feel immediately at home. it is funky and artsy. there is a beaded curtain made from shells hanging across the ceiling/wall in front of us. there are colorful funky solid colored chairs, and large pieces of maybe homemade art. then we enter the apartment. it is spacious and lovely, though not fancy. i admire and wish i had a nice place like this. the middle area is decorated in asian decor. above you can see the 2nd floor bedroom. the man steps down from above and asks me which futon i might like to sleep on for the night. they are small, foldaway type mats. he suggest strongly the one he is holding because it is firm and the best quality. i appreciate the courtesy and answer that either is fine. whichever is the least trouble.
Mar 20, 2004
I am so tired. Its 12:30am and I need to sleep but I need to check in with this new adventure into blogland. I don't want to miss anything. It was an unusually interesting and as to how to entertain myself today. (Okay, every day.) So, I went home, showered, and combed the knots out of my hair. Then I stopped by the health-nut store and picked up some warm eggplant Parmesan stuff, a salad with green goddess dressing and oh yeah a creamy vegetable stuffed potato, oh yeah and a fruit leather thing. Now I feel sick as a dog which seems to be my pattern lately. Stuffing the void, the emptiness with food. Does it work? Pretty much but boy do I feel like shit afterwards. No wonder I weigh 5,000 pounds. Will I ever be able to let go of that nasty coping mechanism? I doubt it. I think I will be condemned to misery for evermore, mainly because I feel fundamentally worthless and believe on deep level that I don't deserve more. I sound pretty cheerful, don't I? It's so ironic, because of all optimistic, happy-go-lucky people you may know, I would be the cheeriest. I imagine few people whom I run across would ever suspect the level of my despair. How many others are there out there? High-functioning, "happy" individuals, living a lie, beneath a plastic facade of social appropriateness. I mean, no one ever likes to spend time around someone who's all "doom and gloom", right? So, consequently, it's a necessity to hide. That is, unless you truly want NO human companionship. Ah. We humans are so fragile. I'm getting tired now. I think I will take a nap. I hope it doesn't turn into another 5 or 10 hour one though, that really makes me feel like shit. I hate that.
With love,
Indigo
With love,
Indigo
Shit. I'm not asleep yet. What the hell is my problem. Always unsatisfied. Looking for a fix. A fix that fixes me. But it doesn't come and i continue muddling around in the dumbness.
Why did I do that on-line dating ad. That was so stupid. Now I have random people wanting to chat at 1:30 in the morning about nothing. It irritates me. But then, I guess I need to be wanted. Right? It feels me with some perverse satisfaction regardless of my disdain for the individual. I'm using them to feel loved. Meeting them in real life has become quite a terrifying experience, I've been noticing. Perhaps I should slow down. But oh its so seductively tempting. Maybe I'll meet someone exactly right who'll make me feel exactly right. Ha HA HAAAAA
Why did I do that on-line dating ad. That was so stupid. Now I have random people wanting to chat at 1:30 in the morning about nothing. It irritates me. But then, I guess I need to be wanted. Right? It feels me with some perverse satisfaction regardless of my disdain for the individual. I'm using them to feel loved. Meeting them in real life has become quite a terrifying experience, I've been noticing. Perhaps I should slow down. But oh its so seductively tempting. Maybe I'll meet someone exactly right who'll make me feel exactly right. Ha HA HAAAAA
Mar 19, 2004
The second post. I am intimidated. I could lose you already & started off so good. Oh the pathetic-ness sears.
Yesterday I learned that my highschool hero, a man that I envied,admired,loved-from-a-far, these 10+ years later was indefinitely condemned to a mental institution for having unsuccessfully shot himself due to a psychotic break when he murdered his pregnant wife. How does one react to this sort of news? It's beyond my ability to understand. I think it is a peculiar dream I had that I keep confusing with reality. My hero fallen. What did you do today and how are you feeling?
Yesterday I learned that my highschool hero, a man that I envied,admired,loved-from-a-far, these 10+ years later was indefinitely condemned to a mental institution for having unsuccessfully shot himself due to a psychotic break when he murdered his pregnant wife. How does one react to this sort of news? It's beyond my ability to understand. I think it is a peculiar dream I had that I keep confusing with reality. My hero fallen. What did you do today and how are you feeling?
Mar 18, 2004
So this is it. Time to express myself. Time to be me. To get it all out. To somehow forge some pathetic semblance of a link to the great outside-of-myself unknown. Desperately, wildly waving my hands above my head to you, the other, screaming, "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!" I exist, I am here, alone amongst so many. Do you see me? Will you stay?
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