On the Bright Side

• I have the cutest most wonderful little puppy EVER - that plays and cuddles with me everyday.
• I have A JOB. It may not be perfect but I am still so thankful to have it. A source of income brings me comfort and relief. Things could be alot worse. And it's so close I can walk there. My coworkers are super nice and I could see us becoming friends! (regardless of whether I/they stay.)
  
• Working makes me feel better about myself and life. I feel more productive
  and useful. I feel like I actually do have skills and something to offer. I'm not a complete dumbo afterall.
  
• The job helps me believe that I am actually a patient, calm and kind person. I realize this sometimes by observing my coworkers who, although are nice people, sometimes still behave in ways that range from wildly inappropriate to mildly abrasive or inpatient which is sad and dissapointing.
• The Cutie loves me. And I love him. Very much. And although life is not easy for him, and he is in constant physical pain, he still finds a way to make me laugh every single day. We are in a loving, committed relationship which seems to grow every day. This is a big accomplishment after having some very difficult moments at first as we had to radically adjust our lifestylesliterally overnight to be with each other. We never had the benefit of the dating and "getting to know you" stage like most couples since I flew here and moved in on the same day. Talk about pressure! It hasn't always been easy, and in hindsight maybe we were a little crazy, but look at us now - we did it! And for that I'm very grateful. Endlessly grateful. I not only love him, I like him too. And that's pretty cool.
• Internet access. This computer. You! Blogging has been the most amazing experience. It really has become an important part of my life that I just love.
  
• We have a super fabulous new car which means no more stressing about repairs or breakdowns every time I drive it. This is definately the first time in my life when having a contingency plan involving tow trucks and cab money wasn't the foremost priority in my mind since up until now, I've never not driven a raggedy hoopty. What a relief!! Boy do I love that car!!! I can't wait to drive it more often.
• My Dad seems to be responding well to his chemo. Each dose has lowered his bloodcount considerably which is good news.

Oh CRAP!

It's Halloween today!!

Why didn't you tell me?!

Trick'or'treaters are ringing the doorbell but we don't have candy! I totally forgot. Actually, it didn't really occur to me that we'd get the little ones here since we're in an apartment. But shiat, that's good thinkin on their part actually. In fact, I wish I'd thought of that as a kid! Think how quickly you could rack up the goodies!!! Like BAM BAM BAM, mega treats in every hallway!

Where was I? hmmmmmm... What else... Well, actually, I'm starving, I'm going to get a snack and maybe add more to my gratitude list later. I guess I'm just trying to remind myself - point out - the good things too. I think so much of life is about perspective. If 5 good things and 5 bad things happen to me during a day, which of those things will I take with me when I go home? Do I forget the good? Do I dwell on the bad? How much time to I devote to what? What do I choose to focus on?

I know what The Cutie would but on his gratitude list: COV is starting today. This is like, the highlight of his year. My god he is so ecstatic.. Too cute.

Email To Folks

Sorry I missed your call yesterday. (I was taking a nap) *see below*I tried to call you back but I think you were out.

How are you?

The job continues to be chaotic and stressful, but I'm making the most of it. As I learn more I'll be more able to ignore other peoples' frantic stress attacks around me & also will be able to better help calm people down and/or take care of things myself thereby not involving them which will also reduce potential panic attacks. Another possibility will be that they will end up walking off the job anyway (as I hear threatened every day) which will change the office dynamics in both good and bad ways...

We'll see.

As I mentioned, I do like the doctor personally (despite the condescension and nitpicking) and actually today she enthusiastically & insistently volunteered her help when I told her about The Cutie's health situation. She questioned me as to who his doctors are (I couldn't remember the names) and has offered her professional feedback as to their quality once I provide her with the details. She said, "I've been in this business 20 years and I know who's ok." Isn't that nice? I was touched.

The Cutie also said today that he wouldn't mind seeing her and actually I think I may be able to get him in tomorrow to check his eyes. (He's having some problems with the pressure due to the drops he's taking after having the steroid injections in the eyeball.) It would be great relief to have an advocate for his health concerns. That alone will make this job worth it.

**I was bummed and tired and didn't feel like talking.

Pre-work Morning Blues

Ironing scrubs, brushing my teeth with lemon flavored toothpasted, and trying to withhold my displeasure with life. I feel like I did in elementary school when I hoped and hoped and hoped to be saved by a snowstorm that would cancel school. Do I really have to go in? Nooooooooo! Somebody save me! This morning I dreamt a horse accidently ran over me when I was sleeping and slashed my wrist with a clean, deep cut. I spent the rest of the dream cradling my wound, and trying to convince people that the dripping liquid pus and hanging forearm skin indicated that I needed help. I wasn't in pain, but I knew if I didn't at least get stitches to attach the large hanging flaps of skin loosely overlapped over each other - connecting my hand to my arm - the internal structure would likely become infected. Instead they changed the subject. "It's just a scratch."

Tevety Boo, where are you?!

I feel an insatiable hunger that's scaring me. It reminds me what I keep forgetting - to research this area and find an eating disorder support group. I guess I'm not as much in clear as I had hoped several months ago. This is dissapointing. I've been considering working out but...... I have so little energy lately.

I don't really do things on the weekend. Or during the week. Actually I really don't do things. Not for a long time. I think maybe this is not good and I need to become active. But. I'm not sure what, where or how. Besides, I don't like to leave the comfort of our studio. And most especially, I don't like to leave the Cutie. Is this unhealthy. Not sure what to do... I find this sort of embarrassing. And pathetic. I feel like a blob. An unattractive, inactive, boring blob.

I haven't written much since

starting this new job because by the time I get home I'm emotionally and psychologically absolutely wiped out. Strained. Close to tears. In my unbiased, professional opinion, its pretty much a nut house. And its so unfortunate because it doesn't have to be that way! So much stress! So much chaos! So many tears! And hurt feelings! And this all I've observed in the very short period of 3 weeks since I've begun. Poor, poor, everyone. Staff and employer(Dr) alike. Just a bunch of mixed up miscommunication leaving everyone feeling like crap - unappreciated and misunderstood. Disrespected and angry. Every day all day long are the tirades, threats of walking out, rages. Oy vey. It's hard to be there. More soon... (I hope.) The cutie just got home!

Important

I'm down

Spontenous liquid erruptions are unpredictable at best. I'm tired of it. Tired. I wish I could get a grip. A lasting, believable grip.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Hi Mom and Dad,

Guess what Mom, we're watching your favorite show - The Golden Girls!!! It's so funny!
The Cutie and I are laughing it up. I remember you used to watch it all the time when I was growing up.

I'm really sorry to hear about Dad's face infections... It sounds so uncomfortable and awful!
Is it getting any better? Worse? The same? I hope it goes away soon! How's the blood
count?

You can definately tell the weather is turning over here. It's much colder now and drizzling/raining I just got back from taking The Puppy on a walk. She's so funny. When its wet outside, she'll stop in the doorway in the tiny little dry patch under the overhang, plant her feet and look at me with big pleading brown eyes. I'll walk the distance of the retractable leash, then have to bend down and call her over and again and finally she'll skeptically inch towards me.

Then we walked down the street to Dunkin donughts to get a coffee and bagel. But now it's 9:45pm. (I started this email this morning at 10am) and I forgot what I was talking about.

Haha.

The job is surprisingly stressful... Ridiculously so. But guess what! A lady from the temp service emailed me Thursday and said she'd just had lunch with Jim, the HR guy from the College. According to the Temp Service, he'd said the college would love to have me back any time and would MAKE a position for me! Isn't that the nicest thing ever? So, maybe I'll work my way back.

Yesterday there was an incident where I became upset while the Dr was "talking" to me (but sounded like scolding) and I felt it was uncalled for and demoralizing (which is her M.O.) but this time it was just too much and she wasn't hearing that what she was asking that I do was EXACTLY what I did! Out of frustration as she went on and on, I began finally to tear up and walked away and she followed me, apologizing and exclaiming, "Don't leave! (the job) I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm not mad." and how just that day 2 or 3 people had commented
on how nice the "new person" at the desk was and on the phone too and how great I was and how smart and that's why she hired me. Then at that point, because I was all embarrassed and felt I needed to explain myself, I told her it was just an accumulation of things - the general stress level in the office is extremely high and people are in a constant state of defensive panic and are intimidated. How there are an abundance of inconsistancies and conflicting ideas about how things are supposed to be done. I mentioned that it was "hard to hear" her at times not because her "feedback" was invalid or unwarranted, but that it comes at difficult times; ie: when 3 patients are holding on the phone, patients are checking in and out simultaneously,etc. making it not an ideal time for a "teaching moment" (translation lengthly lecture. (It may not sound like much, but believe me, each involves a host of detailed and laborious steps that if are omitted or done incorrectly will likely invite further lecture/correction.) IT'S EXTREMELY HECTIC. People running to and from, charts everywhere, papers flying, conversations layering
on top of each other, and tense employees snapping at each other. The office manager is frantic and makes thing worse. Everyone is frantic. And the doctor compounds it many times over
by storming at and giving diatribes while impatient tired patients wait, listening..... We saw almost 40 people in one day last week! Too many! Anyway, I'm babbling, but the moral of the story is the doctor seemed appreciative of my honest feedback and even said, "Nobdy ever suggested that before!!!! I'm going to try that!" And even called an impromptu staff meeting at the end of the day to discuss her thoughts. I figure, what the heck, i've got one foot in and foot out so I might as well share my observations with her. If nothing else, I'd like to leave the it a better place for the people who are stuck there and too afraid to speak up for themselves.
It's a shame! Everyone and I mean EVERYONE is miserable. I think she'd be willing to do certain things different, if only people asked for it - but she seems to be simply oblivious to the level of dissatisfaction of her employees. In fact, the office manager told me that she's known for making her staff cry on a regular basis!


Anyway, probably easier to describe on the phone, but its a good challenge.... I do like her personally, but, i think she just needs to loosen up a bit. She's very driven & meticulous and perfectionistic. She doesn't eat or use the bathroom in a 10 hour day and seems vicariously to expect the same of her office. What she doesn't understnad is that it drives them away
and makes them afraid of her.

Talk to you soon,

Indigo

[Old] home

My buddy sent me this shot today. Did I really live there? Funny how you stop seeing things after a while. [Click on image to zoom]

7:30am

Made a cup of chai, and browsing email and your blogs before getting ready for work. The Cutie and Puppyare peacefully snoozing to my right. The Cutie looks so sweet when he is sleeping. I want to squeeze and hug him up but I will not disturb him as its so hard for him to get sleep. I've had semi-anxious dreams for some time now. I'd like to record them, but, I need to devise a method for doing that while still drowsy. Where can I type without being disruptive in this studio? It may just have to wait.. I do remember I was naked when my parents arrived home and my dad "playfully" choked my neck from behind. I was livid and felt violated. I tried on a new behavior and angrily expressed my outrage to which he and the Brother & Mother dissmissively ignored and laughed at. Then my extended family began to arrive and we were all sitting around a table: cousins, aunts, grandfather, etc. I anxiously continued, wailing and emoting and desparate to be heard. The looked on skeptically with faces that registered I was either ridiculous or had lost my mind. Then finally one quasi supportive comment from my old therapist J who said something about my feelings being valid, followed up by comment from 2 old professors, and lastly my 8th grad english teacher (who I guess had become interested be the prefivious vein introduced by the professors) closed the discussion by saying something very complicated (but interesting) (but over my family's heads) about existentialism and whatnot.

The End.

Gotta go clean up and put on my lovely SCRUBS. haha... I feel so silly wearing those things but boy are they convenient!

Voyage Out

We left the studio together today and saw "Flight Plan." Not bad. I really appreciate Jodie Foster's presence. I like watching her. In the lobby some Soprano actor
was there I guess to sign outgraphs. Strangely no one seemed to be paying any attention to him except two little girls who he was quizzing about whether they liked the movie or not. Maybe he figured - since he had to be there anyway that he might as well shoot the shit.









<-----This guy... (I never would have known who he was since I've never seen the Sopranos.) But the cutie noticed that he looked familiar after we walked by.

I got stuck in an elevator with a man who didn't speak English and

that was the highlight of my day. The porter had to pry us out. It was hot and humid and I focused my attention to the cement in front of my eyes so I wouldn't lapse into panic when wondering about whether there was enough air. It didn't take long though, and I still made it to work in time. Lucky I left a half an hour early!

Finished work at 2:30 but I still feel run over by a truck. Chaos, disorder, frantic fearful coworkers intimidated by the long-winded doctor. Finger pointing and white lies by frazzled workers trying to dodge responsibility for things they shouldn't yet be expected to do. And then there's me stuck in the middle. One person ordering me to do one thing and then being scolded by someone else for doing it. Either being barked at to do obvious things, or vital information is witheld. Once I know how to do everything (on my own) it should be much better. I won't have to rely on unqualified/impatient/jumpy coworkers for my support. But for now, what a headache!

Today was better yet. The Office Manager is warm and friendly. The pace is unreal which in a way is fun because it creates a challenge. 3 phone lines ringing while 4 patients walk in, while making appointments for patients checking out and posting payments, etc. I like having a job. I like working. I like being around people again. Its good.

Should I get a nose job? I really like Lana's nose on Smallville. Which of her features makes her so beautiful?

Day 3 of the Medical Office job, but in actuality, it felt more like Day 1 since for the first time there were patients (LOTS OF THEM), 2 doctors, and 3 additional coworkers on site. 3 of us are brand new, 2 reasonably new. What a mess! Total chaos. Total disorder. Total panic attacks all around me. Given the circumstances, I must say I'm quite happy with myself. I was dilligent about staying calm despite other being constantly pressured by impatience and anxiety. My goal was to absorb as much information as possible under the circumstances and tune out the extraneous tension. I think I accomplished it! I learned alot and enjoyed the challenge.

When I came home I walked the Hot Dog, ate the take-out lo-mein The Cutie surprised me with and now we're watching Smalville together. So, I guess this begins our routine! I kinda like it! And I think it will be good for our relationship to have some time apart. We can look forward to seeing eachother at night instead of staring at each other all morning, day and night.

Seakitty is having a baby!

Wow!

WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!

Big news!

I've been thinking alot about the concept ever since I moved in with The Cutie. Will I ever have kids? Would I be a good parent? Will the Cutie ever want them? How would they affect our relationship? Sometimes I think it would be awesomely fun. Sometimes I think it will never happen. I don't know. I talked to my friend Anj about it over the weekend. She's concerned that she's not ready because she still has "issues" and can be "critical" and wouldn't want to put a little one through that. I told her that for the decade+ that I've known her, I've always considered her to be one of the most nurturing, loving, thoughtful and kind people I've ever known. And even if she was critical, at least she, unlike most people, would be self-aware enough to be able to recongnize the feelings and mold her behavior accordingly. Also, I made the point that she shouldn't expect herself to be perfect. And if she was to wait until she was perfect, it could be too long! And that's ok! We don't have to be perfect - not for our children, each other or even ourselves. And be expecting and embracing that, we model for our children that that's okay! We don't have to hate ourselves for making mistakes! The best thing we can do is talk about that and process it as a part the human experience and try to constantly learn and improve ourselves along the way.

Ok then. So now that I think about it, maybe i don't need a nosejob afterall.

Day 2 - Doctor Office Job

It was okay.....  Another "non-patient" day.  Tomorrow is supposedly going to be absolutely "crazy" and hectic.  But, honestly, I really don't care, nor am I concerned as everyone expects I would be.  I can only do what I can!   If anyone has a problem with a lack of mastery on my part, then I'd say they are totally out of touch with what's realistic.  We'll see.   They've really painted a negative picture of the doctor!   (She hasn't been in yet.)   Actually, I'm kinda of looking forward to seeing what happens.    =)

Is it me?

Am I unsociable? Uppity? Elitist? Cold?

Spazmodic. Hyper. Childish. Unprofessional. Draining.
Comes to mind when I think of Coworker #1. She's been in charge of ::COUGH COUGH:: "training" me. She talks with the speed of an auctioneer but none of the clarity. Instead, her breakneck speed "explanations" fade in and out of comprehension due to a horrible lack of articulation and mumbling. Is it the tongue ring? I don't know but REALLY aggravates me is asking a specific clarifiying question and receiving a long, rapid-fire of totally unrelated information. Listening skills coworker! Listening skills! Why can't she please please please just cut it short and say something akin to, "yes, that's correct -twenty five." Instead of the 5 minute undecipharable meandering babble!

Fun but:
Overbearing. Brash. Demeaning. Raunchy (unprofessional) Grandiose sense of self importance though average intelligence. Condescending.
Comes to mind when thinking of The Bossy Office Manager.
And I strongly dislike the way she regularly bad mouths people without hesitation. Even if they're down around the corner! Yeah yeah yeah - I may be badmouthing now - but it's anonymous so it doesn't count! These are just my private shameful thoughts! Not advertised for all to know through office gossip!

Do I sound bitchy or what

Today was supposedly "the easy day." (No patients.) Tomorrow is is supposed to be a whole other ball game.

Hi Mom and Dad,

Hi Mom and Dad,
I'd say it was - well - i guess - mediocre.... Easier to describe over the phone, but it seems like possibly some difficult personalities to contend with (mainly.) I'll play it by ear and try not to make too many judgments yet. It took only a couple minutes to get there... About a 1/2 mile away, which we like! The office manager (who's also new) is trying to figure things out herself but alluded to the possibility of creating a "tech" like position to do the visual fields and eye photographs. I might like that so I wouldn't have to be confined to a desk with iffy coworkers and cranky elderly New Yorkers. (I understand the front desk people regularly get earfulls.) We'll see. I'll keep you posted.



On 10/4/05, parents wrote:

How did it go today?

I talked with my contact lens lady yesterday, and told her you would actually be working with patients. I asked her if you could learn a lot in the office setting like that. She said you could, and that after awhile you would need some additional training, but it was definitely possible to learn quite a lot.

We'll be anxious to hear what you thought today.

Love, Mom & Dad

I'm still kickin'

Just a bit mute. So quick update.

The Monday after I walked off the office job, I started a temp job at a small local college. I loved it for many reasons and could have stayed but didn't because meanwhile an opthomolgist down the street called me for an interveiw and offerend me a position. I start tomorrow at 9:30am which I guess is good thing but I'm not excited. At all. But its a job and close by. I'm going to try to get serious about finding a grad school and taking evening classes. Because f I don't make something of myself I'm going to go crazy.

I hope to write more sooner than later. As always, I think out my posts every day. If only i had a keyboard with me more often...