Grateful

Sure enough, i contradict myself completely. It is lovely; warm and sweet. Kind. Soft smiles abound. Lazily we nap in each other arms. The relaxed air punctuated only by the intermittent laughter which tumbles from our depths with stacotto glee.

Life is good.

Weeeee!

Pre-snowstorm yesterday






YAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!
IT'S SNOOWWWWWINNNNNGGGGG!

(Don't get much of that in Hawaii..... )

Clear the Roads

Today i got a New York State driver's license! It's official, i live here! I must admit, i did experience a slight pang as the unusually friendly DMV clerk stapled my Hawaii license to some papers and placed it in his bin. No more aloha for me. =( Waiting in the excruciating cold for an hour waiting for D compounded the gravity of the moment.

Drug me up buddy

I just reread last night's post. I'm thinking maybe i should start medication as i feel myself slipping. Becoming sad again. Last night i layed in bed and silently cried, trying to maintain normal breathing and minimize sniffling so not to alarm him. The tears streamed on and on, rolling into my ears, and phleming up my nose and choking my throat until i could scarcely breathe. Instead i layed still until eventually he gently rested his hand on my hip. As he moved closer, i felt the strange sad(?) feelings intensify and i struggled to maintain composure. We layed like this for quite a while until finally he wrapped a long arm behind my head and touched my wet cheek while i attempted to turn away. He was onto me. How did he know? Perhaps because of my unusual behavior; not snuggling up to him is highly out of character for me. Then he tilted my saturated face towards him and kissed the salty tears.

What is wrong with me?

Why can't i be happy.

He is sensitive, like me.
He worries and frets, like me.
He wonders if everything will be allright and hopes for the best all while expecting the worse, like me.
He is moody and unpredictable
flexible and fixed
gloomy and chipper and freakishly introextrospective
likeme
likeme
likeme
likeme
and i try to like me but it so hard
when he doesn't
and does
all at the same time
like me
and its a mess
a messy hodgepodge of aggravating confusion not knowing whats what and how or when
and then feeling perfectly fine
content
like i'm right where i'm supposed to be in time
like i'd been needing to be here all along though confidant its best to wait and wade through the past in order to better appreciate and enjoy the present now.

and i go to bed

rest

not knowing where i'll be in my head when my eyes are opened again

So Fucked Up

This marine is listening to Bush's inaguaral address today. Look at the expression in his eyes. In his mother's beside him.
My god.
What a inexcusable waste of life. What tragedy.
What must he be thinking while he looks on?

I just don't feel like writing anymore. I think. But also that feels like a lie. I DO want to write. But somehow i can not. I will not. I don't have the ability or urge or desire. Then again, i don't have much desire at all these days. I am motioness. Inert. Nonfunctional it seems at times. What am i doing with myself? What am i doing, period? I am sitting. And walking to and from the kitchen and bathroom. I am playing World of Warcraft with D and R. I am watching tv. Watching tv. Watching tv. Watching tv. Watching tv and sleeping. Press repeat and replay. Start the day over. Again and again. This is my life. I travel in circles. I exist.

Who can i blame for this. Is there anyone who will volunteer? Please raise your hand as i look around The Room. Ah, D i see. Thankyou for making yourself an available receptacle of my unpleasantness.

His dissapproval cinges me. The disdain burns through my skin while moistening the sockets of my eyes. I am making his life miserable. He's annoyed with me. I destroy his focus. I rain on his cloudy days. I keep him from his solitude and silence. I disturb the order of his well-controlled space. He dislikes me. It's true. I feel it. He wishes i wasn't here. That i'd go away. He wonders if this was all an irreputable blunder that will wreak future havoc too horrible to imagine.

At times we barely speak. In respect for him, i try hard not to actually, for i'm well aware of how the sound of my overbearing voice causes him to cringe. I make ME cringe! What do i have to say of worth? Not much. I hear mainly babble and childishness from my mouth. A goofy woman trying too hard with little regard for pride. Cackling and cartwheeling like a circus clown. So i try to be sensitive in hopes that if only i do the right thing, he will begin again to love me, like me, want to be my friend and even more idealistically, adore me. My heart's desire - to adore and be adored.

Do i dare write this? True i allready wrote it, but do i dare publish it? What if he read it? Would it further enflame what doesn't exist? Would it be irrelavent? Is it my imagination? Am i exaggerating for dramatic effect? Will i feel better (a release) or worse (create conflict where none exists.) I don't know, but i am in this moment sad. A new sad. A sad that is different than the sad before. I am sad and stangely sometimes lonely. Alone with my thoughts and despair for fear that sharing them might make them exist.

Maybe if i was beautiful? More alluring. Thin. If only i had that special something (whatever that might be) to more difinitively endear him and secure a lasting, cozy place in his heart. What is it that i could do to make him love me? Want me? Need me? Desire me for always.

But like all moods this is fleeting. In 20 minutes it is gone. And in fact there will be bliss.

Greetings

Hello Hello Hello and haaaaapppppy Newwww Yearrr!
I'm back from my voyage "home" and have been reunited with my buddy, my lover, my best friend. I've been wanting to write, but at a loss as to what to say. This is irksome as but a few days ago during my trip, there was a fountain of thoughts i wanted to record.... ah well.... So for now i shall keep it brief.