Happy Birthday me

Age 48, I write from this folded table and metal chair in this basement tiled room overlooking the Ashram forest.  Below the patch of grass outside my window there is a tall regal apple tree and down the hill a beautiful lake reflecting the orange and brown foliage lining the perimeter.  A few individual snowflakes today.  I can't wait for the full snow treatment here - I'm sure it will be as equally magical. 

It's been almost one month now since I came.  I was previously in upstate NY car camping, forest camping, exploring, adventuring, enjoying, suffering, struggling, loving, being.  Evolving? 

Since covid started I have been in sadhana.  Primarily alone for the first year.  Off and on with Aman, which has been challenging, beautiful and volatile.   Meditating, dancing, yoga, videoing leaves and trees in the woods to classical indian music.   

  

 

Takeaways of session with Michael Beckwith 0

 "Intention deficit disorder" - quips will come into play and expand and flow within you over time  -Mary age 70

Lisa Rock
Hold the breath as long as possible to stabilize the feeling you want to hold on to.  The peaks and valleys in yourself. Permission with yourself to be in the moment. let go of guilt shame.   Tools to stabilize life.  Life visioning quest with Michael Beckweths.   Are you called to it?  Academy. Workbooks. Life changing.  Practice skills of program that you know works and reintegrate.  Magic. Examples: Always shows up when practicing Doesn't go away until I stop.  Theres a vibrational frequency here that I manage. I've been embraced by community in Las Vegas. Local radio embraced me recently 91.5.  Happens on job. Happens in personal life. Had to take authority and release relationships that held me down and help me back.  Getting permission to go forward is hard to give yourself. This gives you permission to get out of where you've been and into where you want to be.   Heal FIRST.  and THENNNNNN you can pursue your vision. Heal. Then chase the vision.  (LOVE THIS) 

Marta Tomic
thank you for this call. my ego was in victim space. i connected the wrong dots. i thought I was higher than I was. I'm confused. i don't know. thank you for your support. ((thank you for sharingand courage to be vulnerable. ))

Valerie 
www.valerieKattenfeld.com
as a facilitator - the body is important to me. happy not purely mind but also body. physical. meditation.  this community caught my attention. ppl welcoming from different countries. ppl sharing vulnerable moments of their life.   ((we learn by being open))  we accomonday each other during this vulnerable process. i appreciate this and celebrate this with you today.   ((go through quests together - like visioning)) 

Pio Granada - Phillipines
gaps. called to be a . takeaway - getting out of victim consciousness - feeling empowered to fix it. financial. etc.  something I have to get up and fix. progressing. ((thank you for sharing its and amabing thing to share and be vulnerable and congratutionls on) 

Alecia Lucci - upstate NY
overlapping themes.  "after grow"  after many relationships.  read something that made me feel like I was being rejected. cried. tried to stop myself from feeling. but instead. changed mind.   

filled out form to see if we were a good match/good fit for elnightment coaching . i got upset. i judged myself for feeling that pain. lets just feel it and see what happens. i let myself cry. i let all my feelings speak to me. i felt rejected because I felt unworthy not good enough didn't deserve the free session. i was able to list them. see them. feel them. where did they come from. why are they in my mind and soul .  growing up I feel I was in many situation where I tried to express myself authentically and ppl didn't respond or get negative pushback and take personally instead of seeing it as not personal.  its not that ti wasn't worthy of help.  i let the feeling flow and experienced what I needed to feel. it took me about an hour to feel better. i felt lighter freeer. i don't feel I need to carry any of that today.  this woman knew that it wouldn't serve me to have that session - it would serve someone else to have that free session
((bianca: the moment I started to share things was the moment things started to change)) 

Eleni Dimaki - Greece 
The questions, not the answers.  To find my purpose, my vision. When I started I took quest late in evening, sleeping. Gave me strength, belief, hope. There are answers! There are answers to my questions!  Started listening before bed and when I wake. After doing visions I would get 20 more after doing things. Because the important part of this quest is DOING things. Every lesson was something I feel was giving me more strength. More answers. So even today's session - now I have grown, taken the quest. Its the 4th week I'm doing now. I do every day. Every day there is magic. Every lesson gives you SOMETHING Gives you inspiration. Gives you a way of transforming.  For me, I have called in many patterns that were not helping my health for transformation. Every exercise that I have to do I try to do as much as I can because the time for some people it takes time to do all this thinking if you have ... its practice. its not the quest. its not the 10 or 15 minutes spending listening. It is to do, actually.  Take the time. What I would suggest for myself is how I could stick to what I was learning every day. Every day by doing the quest you let something new. You get inspired for many things, at least for me. So for today when I saw the kickoff call I thought, oh, kick off, you're almost ending, why would you listen. I wanted to listen in natural way. Every word he says he has such deep meaning he gives the explanation to the CORE. Each word. Every sentence. He will give something more. So the inspiration from today, when I fall back in my growth, he gave me the simplicity to realize that this is the path of my ego because by doing the request I actually do the quest but I haven't made this connection that this could be the path of my ego so this is one of my insights today. Its natural . This is something that is natural. It happens to all of the people /structures /felling victim level. Feeling somehow they have not mastered the second stage and also I would suggest EVERYONE to see as many as many times as they can the movie, the Secret. Beause this movie gives you a whole vision for our lives we can future = there is hope.  

Bianca D. martial arts and mediation s was turning point to sharing 

How to Break Up

 

(via Michael Beckwith on Mindvalley with Vishen Lakiani just now) 

Step 1) Accept what is

Step 2)  Harvest the good.

Step 3)  Keep the person in your heart

The form will restructure around that expanded awareness. 

fuck yeah

 It feels like work. writing here. is it?  when did that association develop?  does it serve me?  is it necessary? is it even true.  I actually doubt it.  i don't know that i believe myself. maybe its not work. maybe its.  . .something else. is it fear?  what is laziness?  i don't know that i believe in the concept.  its a word that has always poked. 

there's so much i *want to say. so.  whats the hold up?  why aren't i saying it. 

overcomplicating. over analyzed. being in my head. projected ahead instinctively into fear and worry. all probably pretty unconscious I'm guessing. but who knows. that's the point. it can't be if its unconscious. so. next steps?

hm .

ideally would be an amazing astute connected soulful coach/mentor/spirt/guide/teacher/friend.  i would like to be that some day.  that's what i feel I'm working on.  gathering my ducks and powering up for the ride.  getting close. things feeling. 

right .

yes. 

yes yes yes yes yes. 

yes. 

Affirmation

 I am in control. 

I dictate my own terms. For my life. My time. My energy. 

I decide who I spend time with.  What relationships are worthy to me.  No longer the other way around (as it has been).  I PICK who I am with. Me.  And if I don't pick, it doesn't happen.  I will not let my precious life energy dribble away in mindless, damaging, disrespectful, unkind entanglements. 

I am worthy. I am strong. I am powerful. I am whole.  

I do not need anyone to validate my existence. 

I am worthy.  A child of god. A god. Source. As we all are.  (Do not be deceived to think you are something small). 

Notes To Self.

 No one is coming to save you. 

No one. 

They can't even save themselves. 

They are users.  Abusers.  Self-hating.  Voids.  Without the capacity to love 

You have deluded yourself.  You've seen it. Now believe it.  

You are alone. 

You can do it.  You are powerful  Unafraid.  

"She never says no  She would never say no to me. "  ..Nice.   Sweet.   Accommodating.  Selfless.  

And if I wasn't?   What then?   How would it impact the nature of our relationship?  Would there BE a relationship? 

The White Tiger

"He's overly deferential"

"thoroughly obedient"

"taking on more tasks"

"continuously belittling himself to secure the family's approval"

cleans rugs, sleeps on floor, rubs oil in the stork's calves. argues that he deserves a fraction of the already-small salary 

"Much of this inferiority is inbred"

"Thousands of years of caste system"

"millions fighting for same low paying jobs"

"out-of-read wealth horded"

--------------------------------------------------

 

Deferential, obedient, self belittling,  excessive work, menial aspirations, learned inferiority

--------------------

             Holy shit.  

             Me.

 

 

Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.

Giving gifts.  Helping people. Being a friend.  Teaching.  Being a counselor. Therapist.  Wellness practitioner.  Doctor.  Social activist. Social justice 'warrior". And so on... 

Good intentions does not guarantee good results. 

In what ways is "helping" oppressive?  Limiting?  Dogmatic?  Control? 

Self-check: 

Am I attached to the results? 

Is my happiness or peace of mind dependent on this process? 

What is my desired outcome?  (Do I have one?  When?  What is it? Am I check-ing in on these thoughts and feelings?  Is there awareness?  Is there a dialogue here that I can tune into and be present of?  And then, what's next?)

How do I self-regulate and manage this dynamic?  

#HelpingProfessions #Expectations #Growth

Self-Regulation

What do i need to hear right now?  Let me be my own life coach.  What is the message that would fill me up?  Propel me.  Fuel me. Nourish me.  Support. Love.  Encourage.  Befriend.  Hold. How can I feel held.  (I don't feel held?)  I want to feel held.  What is the opposite of feeling held?  (How do I feel right now?) 

Lost. 

Sense of direction. Purpose. Hope.  Belief in myself.  

What is the root of the issue?  What are the current thoughts and beliefs that I am choosing to belive right now?  Where did they come from?  What are my current limiting beliefs. 

Lets get honest with myself right now. 

What are my limiting beliefs?  (What even ARE my beliefs?)   Or maybe more apt - what are my fears? 

Panic

 Don't get depressed. 

Don't get depressed. 

Don't get depressed, 

Don't get depressed. 

Don't get depressed. 

Don't get depressed. 

Don't get depressed. 

Don't get depressed. 

Don't get depressed. 

(CurrentSelfTalk)

----

The slender long finger plunges itself past the delicate dried flowers straight to the bottom of my cup, invading the sanctity of my freshly steeping tea.   I hadn't even finished pouring the boiled water!  What the fuck?!  My one pathetic solitary shred of peace.  My only respite in the whole of my entire jumpled fucked up turbulent life.   

That's my tea!

Get out!   

And with such impunity too.  Such self-righteousness.  A challenge to me to say something.   With that finger came possession.  Why not.  If there's a problem, it's mine.   It's what she wants. Nothing to think about.   In goes that long dark elegant finger.   Anything goes.  Collateral damage be dammed. Everything and everyone in her path.  Not because she's a bad person or hateful or awful, but because she's too has been wounded. Far. Too. Much.  And now lacks the ability to distinguish friend from foe. It's reflexive. Survival instincts.  I don't hate her for it. I understand.  I relate. I feel her pain. But nonetheless.   MY TEA! 

GET.

OUT! 

And I say something. This is the new me.  I just fucking say it.  I don't care if it seems shitty and like I don't have a right. I don't care that it can be held against me.  I don't care if it will be misunderstood and misrepresented.   I don't care if it will be twisted and used as justification to hate.   

Get your hand out of my motherfucking tea. 

I follow my instincts. I don't second guess.  I don't silence myself.  

I speak.   Ready for whatever's next - come what may.   It will be difficult, but essential, my hope is, dialogue. 

------------

The speedboat roars down the corridor in stops and starts.  I spray passerbyers on the sidewalks in giant plumes of water.  Soaking other students on the sidewalk. Friends.  Walking colleagues.  I'm mortified.  I can't help it.  I can't stop.   I'm trying to maintain control of the boat but in reality, I really can not.   

----------

I mentally search and search and search but it seems that they are lost.  The angst and pain and mental confusion have obfuscated their location.  What are the numbers of that lock?!   Oh my god!   I have to find them!  I am lost!   That rectangular metal box holds the keys to my home, that boat, my friends.  I have to find them!  I am completely helpless, alone and unsafe.   What are the numbers to that lock?!  Everything in my entire life is in that box! 

Dear Donna

Reflections on Fear & Self-Worth. Perfectionism/Control

Yesterday I struggled to answer your question, "What is the fear re: calling your Aunt," and the only thing that came to mind was, "the unknown". Today almost immediately after the fishbowl began I thought, "Oh! Maybe I could have/should have done this!" (The unknown) And both yesterday's experience essentially being your coachee, and today's fishbowl showed me that although every question might not hit as equally powerfully, it in no way minimized the overall value of the session. There was no judgment there. No tragedy. Only appreciation and growth.


Also, getting to experience firsthand the fearless, direct way in which you followed your gut while posing probing questions was an extremely interesting and helpful experience. I discovered, as "client", that not only was this a welcomed approach, it was a liberation - permission to cut the bs & speak powerfully in truth. "My intuition is NEVER wrong." Is a statement that rang out and continues to resonate long after you so boldly asserted it that still makes me laugh. So great! I want this confidence!

Fasting

I think its time. Bloated and poofy. Distended belly alarmed me last night. The heaviness weighing down.   Mentally. Moving slower. Mood - not so great.  Old dusty gray depression cobwebs creeping dangerously close.  Looming threateningly overhead.   

The good news though,  is that i now have this amazing tool readily available at my disposal.  This is what I can't forget.  And not only that - the simplest solution possible.  So simple - it doesn't even require action. As a matter of fact - that's the crux.  No action!  No food!  No nothing!  Who could have imagined what a huge life changing fact.  

Day 1? 

Maybe?

I'm not 100% sure. 

I think so?  

Let me see. 

Seems like a good idea. 

But... 

?

Not 100% sure?

Thinking about it.   Just today?  10 days?  Every other day?   Not at all?   I feel like I need to decide and make a plan. But... 

? 

Can I really do it again? 

I'm hungry. I'm sad.  I'm still feeling off.  Grieving the loss of my friend.  Grieving the loss of support from mm.  Grieving the loss of momentum of my new cp.   Can I come back?  I know that I can.   

Right? 

Yes? 

Of course. but. 

. 

......

what are the steps.  what's first. what are the priorities. how do i not feel like a piece of shit.  (do i need to not feel like a piece of shit in order to start?)  .... seems like a chicken or the egg situation.  I feel like i have to just keep plotting ahead, and the belief and mood and positivity will grow like watering a garden.  

i think i need some plants. 

love this. being here again.  

Courage

Where does courage come from?  Are you born with it? Is in innate?  Developed over time? Is it a personality trait?  Is it learned?  To what degree? 

I'm just asking because I'm thinking maybe it's some quality that's been with me since childhood. And something that separated me from my immediate family. We see and act in the world in different ways. Our perspective and mindset is different. It's manifested in ways that made our paths look different.  Mine mainly - the road less traveled.  Not more "successful" by any stretch. Far less. That said, it *has been more connected.  Honest.  A slow burn.  But a true fire.  No,t a single temp electric heat lamp plugged into a wall. Pros and cons to both, obviously. Nonetheless, it's interesting to think about and wonder - what has been the impact of this single characteristic over the course of mylife? 

Dream

i volunteeeredt to make 3 to make the 3 20 somethhing strangerss/acquainiteances meals for a week. all fresh and packaged and healthy.  a service. homemade and perfect.  all from fresh produce. nothing packaged  or processed. an experiment. i could throw in a few extra portions and there was now my food for the week, and brothers too.  why not?  a good exercise. and who knows - it could be fun orhelpful or lead to something bigger. its a test. ractice. i stepped away and asked my mom what she thought. she ignored me. she ddidn't respond. i asked her direct question. she looked away . nrefused to respond or acknowledge. or even look at me. i became distraught.  i don't even know why i felt the need to ask her opinion anyway. its not as though i needed it. but for some reason i did and even more inexplicably, lost my mind   after getting what i got.  went into a full scale rage. wanted to run away. dreamed of packing my things and leav==and running hiding leaving for good.  where i was , i have no idea.  but i know i wasn't comfortable or happy or safe.  felt unappreciated. negleted. alone. misunderstood. unappreciated. disrespected.  angry and hurt 

we were sitting in a car .  in the giant cavernous, garage?  it was dark. the car was parked.  there was a dog sitting in the back seat. it looked like my dog, but it wasn't her. it was an unknown. a stray   something happened. i forgot what. but i let it out of the car because it disappointed me . there was something it didn't know. so i put it outside and watched it walk away. a felt a little bad andguilty. but didn't reverse course. 

my brother was in drivers seat. narrating. 

wow.

missed this. missed u.  wow 

i look bad.

 i mean really bad. no joke. i really mean it. bad. like when i say bad, i mean like holy-god-whatthefuck kinda-bad - on that level. that's the real truth. not exaggerating. 

at. 

all. 

i know it seems dramatic. 

but. 

its just the truth. and i really wouldn't lie to you, i swear. this shit is crazy, and it happened so fast.  age 46.  decaying. floppy. flippedlyflableflopflop - that's the sound my face makes when you see it.  just like = when did that happen?  how is it real? is that really truly MY face?  why?  i don't understand it.  

i mean, its sounding very judgmental, but in truth its not. its a description really.  its honest.  its what i see in the mirror without interventions - makeup. attitute. clothes. reasonable hair. (i shaved half of it in a bizarre sudden unplanned impulse a few days ago.  the last of my disguise - stripped bare. 

now just an exposed sagging neck. thick neck. manly jaw (with tumor), thick brow, wide round cheeks and infamed blotchy skin.  winkled leathery forehead and brow. 

omg my fingers are so cold typing this.  this place is incredible and awe inspiring. but holy shit, cold.  these huge sweeping glorious windows overlooking the busy street - feel paper thin.  definitely no built for living in.  but no complaints.  just stiff fingers, that's all.  

anyway. 

I'll be right back. 

cool. 

<3

Omega

1. If you had the knowledge that a future child of yours would be a mass murderer or tyrannical dictator, how would your morality guide you?

2. What musician (alive or dead) should write a song about you, what would the song be named, and what would be the context of the song?


3. You wake up one morning to find you are the only person left on Earth. Describe your reaction and approach to survival.

4. How much of your identity is based on who is around you and your setting, and how much is determined by your mind?


5. In your opinion, how is a civilization's worth measured?

...This thing on?

Age 46.   The end of the Great Trump Pandemic 

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