Today I write from the public library. Haven't frequented one since moving to this state probably 5+ years ago as a) their hours suck b) i didn't know where they were c) I didn't have the energy to do anything but sleep and d) I'd forgotten they existed. It's funny. Now I live across the street from one. Why haven't I used it before? It's so cool to be here. Like being in adult Toy R' Us. Like a crazed kid running around with all the infinite possibilities of learning and access to the world. I wonder if I’m mentally starved.

This afternoon I actually also found myself reading one of my many dusty books stacked high in the corner of my apartment which I bought long ago and "always meant to get to." I'm so glad I did today. Originally, I bought it after being moved by an interview with the author on NPR. The topic; "War is a Force that Gives us Meaning." It's fascinating and true and speaks to questions that I have long asked myself about the human capacity for violence and immeasurable brutality. Is really something that separates those who kill/torture/rape from you? From me? From us? What is that? What circumstances would allow us to suspend these beliefs? How rigid are those mores? (Dam how do you spell that.....As i embark on this new journey of daily writing, the limitations of my education/literacy truly irritate me. I wish I had a greater understanding of language and words and grammar.)

Anyway, I just skimmed the book and then accidentally fell asleep for many hours. I hate that. I thought today might actually be a good, productive day, but for me! (Not working for other people) I want to organize my apartment and scan and categorize & save onto disks my boxes and boxes of papers, sketches, journals, etc that I've been tugging around like lead balls around my ankles. I've always been afraid to relinquish the past. I want to remember everything to avoid having to relearn the same lessons over and over.

Ok, it 6:22pm. I get to use this computer until 6:50pm. Pretty cool. And this place is right across the street from where I live!

I've been debating whether to get internet at home. Probably not. I have it at work which is where I am nearly 24/7 anyway. I don't need the extra costs. Particularly because of my $1000 fines in parking tickets. $2000 owed for the air pass. And found out today the speeding ticket will be $162. Shit. And most likely if my insurance finds out, that will double too. (Another $60 bucks a month.) Dam.

I've been thinking about Howard allot. And our conversation. And long relationship. I thought about him when I read that book today. ~It reminded me of the millions of inner-city kids growing up in cold, angry, violent circumstances, where life is relegated to survival, and death is commonplace. I don't see those experiences as much different than the experiences described by those witnessed by the author in Kosovo, Sarejevo, El Salvador, Sierra Leonne, Iraq and the like. Senseless, heartless violence is the same anywhere. It requires a disconnect to the soul.

634p now. Crunch time.

I also read old stuff on my computer at home from years ago back in the day when I did have internet. It found it interesting but sad. Interesting because I can see the progression of thought/behavior and experience to where I am now. The repeated and elaborated upon themes. But sad because it illuminates the extent and depth of my despair. When HAVE I been TRULY happy? It's crazy. It crossed my mind that since this blog seems to be going so well, perhaps I could consolidate those entries here with postdates. Though alot of what I read was embarrassing (childish, almost histrionic) I think the progression would be nonetheless interesting. (At least to me.) **smile** Suddenly I think I am SOooo FASCINATING. I just have to have MORE MORE MORE! Why is that, I wonder. I suppose that would be considered a negative thing. But on the other hand, great things can unfold from great introspection (i think). Like that book, "Every rock can be a teacher." It seems often that the complex really isn't, once you decode the patterns. In developing a greater understanding of my own inner world, I suspect I'll have a greater understanding of human behavior in general.

In the last week I've gotten 3 calls from Howard's area code but with no messages. Who could that be? It is unusual and I fear it is his (ex) wife calling to berate me again. "You're ruining our family!" I'm fearful to even answer Howard's calls no knowing what the situation is over there. Are they together still? Do they live together? IF they do live together, are they together-together? Is she simply psychotic and out-of-touch? What are my obligations to her/him/myself/societal expectations? It's always been so terrible. So confusing. Frustrating.

He asked me if I want to have kids. He says I am 30 now and my biological clock is ticking. I'd guess that if I do want kids, I ought to have them in the next 5 years probably. Right? I don't know. That's confusing too. Would I fuck them up? When I feel trapped by the responsibility? Would my partner get jealous and lose interest in me? Or would it be the most miraculous experience that life could offer. Would I be a dynamic, loving, kind and healthy mother. And would I exist within a functional, communicative, loving relationship. I don't know. It all seems quite removed and something I wouldn't even be contemplating if it wasn't for my age. I can't even imagine it all. I can't even imagine myself married. I don't even know that I think marriage is reasonable expectation of humans. A commitment for "LIFE"?!?
How is that possible? My god, it seems against the very laws of nature, that life is change. Who will i be in 5 years? 10? 50? How can I possibly pretend that it might continue to align with another for such an extended period of life? .......But yet.......
It sounds so delicious.
To be loved and love in that way.

There is a chapter in that book about War & Love. That was where I first turned by chance and captivated me. He proposes that Love is the only antidote to war. He cites poets and ancient texts to embellish his point. ...I want to learn more.

655pm... Past my time limit. hmmm... Maybe i can sneak by since there's a few open computers now. My stomach is rumbling. What have I eaten today? Only a EggMcMuffin/hasbrown/coffee at McDonalds this morning on my way home from the Group Home. Why do I eat those things? I hate them and they are nasty. I guess I just couldn't think of what else to get. Its so convenient and easy and requires the least interaction with people.

People scare me. I think they are out to get me. Hurt me. Judge me. Penetrate my (fat) walls of safety. This is what occurred to me at group last Tuesday. Something about the Group, i think, really upset me. Thus reverting back to those familiar depressive feelings yesterday. (But I feel better today by the way! YES! BOOOOING!! Rebound!) But the facilitator, Judith, made an unusual remark of compliment to me; that she has seen me take tremendous strides towards greater openness and sharing in the past couple weeks. That I had made "great progress." I was stunned, it brought tears to my eyes. I felt so honored and also I felt acknowledged and proud. I think though that she may have felt self-conscious after the remark because then spent sometime reassuring the other members that they too have made great improvements. If I hadn't been still glowing in appreciation, I may have more worried about their feelings and then guiltily obsessed that they may have been hurt. Its funny how we can be trained by life/parents/society to not stand out and thus limit our success to preserve their comfort. Especially as women, I think. But actually, this is really such a myth as there isn't some bank with a limit of successes that we all most draw from. There is enough for everyone. We can ALL living truly dynamic, engaged and full lives and not at the expense of any others. That progressive dynamic energy engaged energy is our birthright. (i think)

Why do I feel compelled to add "(i think)" to everything i write? What is that about? Am I asking to be excused for having thoughts, or sounding pompous/arrogant? How ironic.

Uh oh. 7:08pm I bet they'll catch on soon so i guess I'll go now and get some dinner.

Love to all,

Indigo (not so blue)