Sucky day. I woke up after 3pm. Unrested. Bored. Restless. Uncomfortable. Off. Didn't get much better from then on. Although I did go grocery shopping for the first time this year, well probably 2 years actually. That was entertaining. So many choices choices choices. Aisles and aisles of multicolored bottles and boxes and cans and bags of products products products. Averting contact with people with my wire rolly basket, looking down in case was a stray gaze. The only fucked up thing was the hyper-friendly employees who must be on some incentive plan to be "customer-friendly" or something What else could explain the dude that asked me 3 times within an aisle and a half, "HI! CAN-I-HELP-YOU-FIND-SOMETHING-THANKYOU!" ARG! GOOOO AWAYYYY I wanted to yell from my bloated cheeks. But instead of course I smiled sweetly and politely declined. (3x)

Then I went home & didn't know what to do with myself. Half heartedly watched "Memento" and then rewatched Woody Allen's "Hollywood Ending" more so out of default than interest. I wasn't particularly impressed by either. Not understanding the "brilliance" of Allen yet; I guess I'll need to investigate further with some of his earlier flicks.

Ate 1/2 a salad soggied by sitting in the car for an hour + while I shopped. Then a couple dried peaches. Then a diet root beer. Then some popcorn popped in the popcorn popper thats been sitting in my cupboard for years collecting cockroach droppings which I've been afraid to use but didn't care anymore and even attempted to wash today. In order to do that, I had to clear out the nasty dishes in my sink which had been collected stinky goo for over a year too. I used my brand new handy dandy scrub brush bought from the Miraculous Grocery Store voyage and cleaned the sink! It worked! Eureaka! I felt strong and powerful. I can conquer the world! HEAR ME ROAR!

Then back to the couch with Woody.

At some point I think I dozed off again & FORCED myself to wake up and come back here (to work) so I could check my email and more importantly add something in this blog. That seems to the most redeaming part of my life lately. Or at least, the most fun. (I don't know why?)

I felt a strong urge to come earlier. I wanted to recall my dream here. But its too late now, I think. (There's that "i think" thing again. ) Let me think................. Oh yes, I remember a sliver. My family (and extended family) leave on an outing together, but in their haste, they forget me. I go through great lengths to "catch up" with them, travel by foot, struggle through unfamiliar town, etc. Its a huge and difficult journey and I miss them terribly and feel horribly abandoned and unloved. I'd give anything for them to notice my abscence & save me since it would only require a quick, 5 minute drive to pick me up. Yet I have no way to ask for their help, I can't call or reach them in any way. I am completely helpless and alone. I have no money, access, or way to communicate. I know they are all together, having lots of fun on their trip. Finally, I find and arrive at their hotel room. The door opens, and there they are!! ~Dozens of family members; aunties, cousins young and old, grandparents, etc. They turn silently and look at me with expressionless faces. It is not the loving reception I had hoped for. Instead I feel their dissaproval and disdain. They dislike me, I think - the bad one, the difficult one, "why can't i just be good and get along like everyone else?" I think they misinterpret my lostness as misbehavior, and I am crushed. I am ashamed and hurt. And once again feel cast aside and judged.

- posted by Indigo Blue @ 7:33 AM Friday, April 23, 2004
Plugging away here at the office by myself. The guys are in and out. Boss on vacation in Vegas. Crusin. Listenin to R&B off the computer and entering invoices/payment, printing checks, calling on overdue stuff. It's all good. Making good progress. THis place is feeling OR- GAN -IZED! YEAH!

The only junk thing is these damnmnnm mosquitos. They eat me alive here. At least 10 nibbles per visit. ARG!
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 9:45 PM


I AM FUCKING HAPPY TO BE ALIVE!!!! This is gonna be a GREAT day! Damm i love these pills! =0)
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 5:32 PM