I am tired again. Wouldn't quite know what to write anyway. Earlier today I wondered if i'll reach a point where i'll have simply blank days with nothing of interest to say here. Nothing notable. Blank. I can say though, briefly though today, that i was highly upset by the office owner today, i felt slighted, exasperated. But I know he means well and don't want to take it personally. I'll elaborate later some other time.

Then to group therapy at 530pm. Felt like a drag to be there at first. Like, "I don't want to do this today. Go there." Sometimes i just want to be done with that getting in touch with the real you/real feelings stuff amd then consequently feel sad or even tortured - sucked into an what can feel like an abyss - topsyturvy - and then trying to care about it or maintain hope for something better. Sometimes i'll actually be having a "good day", but seem unable to maintain that state of mind when i get in that purple lowlit 24th floor suite. I am pulled under again. Like people at the bottom of a swimming pool tugging at my feet. Numbing out does have its beguiling appeal - you can avoid all of this. (On some level) But of course, its never ACTUALLY this simple as our minds would never truly allow this completely. That stuff is always still with us and will percolate up other unexpected, uncontrollable places, where we least desire it. (IE: Addictions, Neurosis', Dysfunction)

I sat quietly for the first 1 1/2 hour but then did express that ("i don't wanna be here tonight etc") when eventually called on which surprisngly provided some immediate relief. I find it unendingly fascinating what a impact such a seemingly "little" thing can make. Saying what I think. What I feel. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is.

I think also, its easy for me to sit mute and slide into a state of self-pity and isolation. And then when finally acknowledged (called upon) i feel a sense of being rescued or validated or suddenly seen and real. I don't like this pattern and ought to work to break it. Break out of the role of "victim." I see how my own perception/behaviors can play into that sense of alienation.

I don't even like to join the group on breaks. It feels uncomfortable and awkward. Yet, when someone joins me, sitting alone in the adjoining room, I usually enjoy it.

I was awed by new members today. The gave brave feedback to each other and discussed their previous feelings of frustrations/anger/irriation at each other. It was quite brave and exciting to witness. And they only just begun group in the past week or so. Amazing. I still am not there yet.

I really react to one women's stories about her husband. I want to kill him. He sounds like such an asshole!! The spitting image of my Dad. Says and treats her in some identical ways that I was treated growing up. Only its her HUSBAND! I want to scream at her LEAVE THAT BASTARD YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one does!!!!!

No one does.

I hate hearing about it. It makes me fume. And feel helpless. I want to kick his ass and make him treat her right.

The most tragic piece is her 10 year old daughter whos already developing the same/similar fucked up disordered eating patterns and internal angst. The patterns are so clear. I want to wave my wand and end their pain.