And I am at home.
Racing. So much to say because so much to contemplate. Where to begin?
I'm afraid i might miss some, and my new explosive desire to record every detail foiled. I am suddenly so fascinating. I hang on my every thought. Let there be no bit unexplored.. I will excavate & reveal it all, immune to protests and accusations of illusions of grandeur. For each insult i will push inside out like an aloha shirt and reveal the cavities to be not only unashamedd, but reveling in the exposure! "Yesss," i will say sweetly, " I AM self-absorbed," and grinning triumphantly add "aren't you?!"

Its just all so terribly fascinating. The more I listen to my thoughts, the more i hear they have to say. Suddenly, i am hungry, starved to hear more, to hear all, and record them here. I'm making more and more mental notes. "Oh. I'll have to blog that!" "And that!" And i begin to construct the sentences in my mind, strategizing for my next shot on a computer.

Maybe i'll get a laptop and carry it with my everywhere i go. Maybe i'll want to write so much that that will be all that i do, all day long; interact, write, observe, write, buy a slurpee, write. write about the slurpee texture and slurpee taste and the middleaged 711 clerk who handed me my change and the spikes in her purple hair. Yeah! How about that?

Pretty soon, i will be writing so much with such frequency, the gap between thoughts and blog will become so minimzed, that the blog WILL be my thoughts, and i will be an extension of my blog and my brain and being my blog. Uhohcouldbegoingcrazy. wahaha

Isn't that what the whole recent "Reality TV" craze is all about afterall? This fascinating hunger for "real" lives? What is it about observing even the mundane (allbeait glitzed up in quick-cuts w/ a bumping score, and edited to emphasize conflict) that has become such a phenomenon? What does this speak to culturally, sociologically (is that a conjugation?), philosophically? When out of harmony, there innately lies an urge towards reintegration.

Bathroom break

Back. A THOUGHT. Is there a correspondence between this energetic excitement, this gush of thought to my moon time which began today? COOL!!!!!!

Where was I?

When out of harmony, there innately lies an urge towards reintegration, (i think.) And America is sour with sickness; alienation. And the disease is a pervasive one, both severe and deadly. How many of your friends/acquaintance/relatives/coworkers/loved ones are (often secretly) on anti-depressants? How many struggle to fill their pit of despair? Alcohol, sex, sports, "relationships", TV, food, video games, work - ANYTHING to absorb the time and space and contain it. But a sponge can only hold so much before leaking, and every day the cracks in this illusive dream visible.

We naturally are driven towards an antidote, something that resembles the connectedness we all long for and are designed to enjoy. Do we see it? Not actively. Modernists that we are, we are well-conditioned animals that now wash in machines, cook in a buttoned boxes, and suck away our shit in pipes - invisiblizing its very existence with aerosol sprays - so why should we imagine a need to find "it"? It ought to just be here, now. Why look for something that isn't defined as a problem? The unchallenged glory of America is its independence and individuality after all! To otherwise address it would be heresy!

Besides, its so much easier to eat a Twinkie and flip on "Friends." I can get by today. Jump from diversion to diversion and make it to sleep. I think.

We are alive, but are we living?
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 12:10 AM Thursday, April 29, 2004