I just came from an emotional group tonight. Now here at work (group home) Can't type much because my coworker just arrived from picking up a client. But felt like a day of movement. Maybe moving towards growth. I hope. Many feelings were evoked. Fear/anger/hurt/shame/frustration....

I shared that I have been blogging. I felt it to be poorly received. Instead of sharing my celebration and excitement, it seemed i was judged/and warned of the danger of a certain situation. I didn't like it but didn't know how far i should pursue/argue my perspective. It hurt that I was misunderstood. I maybe regret mentioning it. My secret unhonored. My vulnerability exposed. One member in particular seems to be "attacking" me though subtly. I felt judged and put down but had done nothing wrong and didn't deserve it. What right to people have to interject their expectations on me, my belief systems and thoughts. They don't. I think its fair game to have reactions to each other and express feelings, but in that, I feel there's an obligation to claim those feelings as your own, and not project them onto someone else. That said, my challenge is learning how to not be overwhelmed, overtaken and disempowered by other peoples thoughts/beliefs. Just because I may be disapproved of, disliked or even despised, I need to be able to resist that. Otherwise, I will continually tiptoe through life avoiding conflict, other's dissastifaction and really, people altogether. Yes that's it. Absolutely. I avoid people because I feel my personal boundaries to be so penetrable, that i can not withstand their thoughts. Their criticism. The slightest of provocation, or even perception of such leaves me in rubble. I'll explore this more later...

Feeling highly fearful in general the past couple weeks. The facilitator interpreted that has a fear of vulnerability, to which is clearly true. I feel a tremendous urge to run, hide, cover myself completely, go invisible and be anywhere but there. Its painfully strong. I described the feeling in my body; There's a tightness in my chest. I clench my hands and arms together. My hands are sweating and a I pull my legs together and up. Everything feels tight and i feel tense and afraid. Yet there is "no reason." (Consciously at that moment.) Of course there is much more to the picture which I look forward to discovering. I'm enjoying observing the experience and the facilitator offered an nice opportunity to explore further tonight. I appreciate that.