Sharing Love
my mom started teaching at the same school as i. she angers me and itry to retain my cool around cowirkers and students. but when they are out of eartshot i try to contain my tremendous rage and i want to unleash it upon her with a fury. i want to yell and scream but in hushed tones whisper forcibly. for example. tghere is a big test my class (and i am a student to now) coming up. my mom is teaching the final prep. she is reviewing math problems and i am FUROOUS. i think she is doing a terrible job and i burn inside that my student s won't understand her quick, difficult explanations because they are not like my brother who picks up on things easily grwoing up. she can not teach them the way she taught him. simply and easily. no, they are more like me, they need a different style of teaching. more broken apart and simplified and clearer to undrestand. I AM SO ANGRY AT HER. how dare she. as she lectures using the overhead projector drawing geometric designs, there is a sudden weather explosion and it beging bouring buckets of rain. the students jump up and run to the overhang on the side of the field where i am sitting, watching. i am now surrounded by my students on either side. the raing is pouring down so fiercly, its is hard to avoid the wetness. and in a matter of seconds the field begins to flood. there are perhaps 2 inches of water before us. i don't want to get wet and am upset. but then i notice there is someone sitting directly in front of me whos presence seems to be blocking most of of the water from splattering on me. he is asian and wearing a yellow rubber raincoat. he turns to me, smiling, seemingly unbothered by the rain. i am grateful he is there. a student, layne, makes a joke from the left. no wait. I make a joke. yes , i joke that the teacher and i "are related afterall. we're distant cousins." layne laughs and shakes his head. and communicateds that i am still funny. the lain suddenly lifts and as suddenly as it came it is no where in sight. the sun comes out in full force and is blazing away as befoe, as if nothing ever happened. i marvel at this transition. how can thatt be? ....when it first began, i announce mischievously , "ope! no test!" (thinking we can't have it in he rain!) i don't want to take it either. a couple students jumped on the bandwagon and said Yeah YEAH. i think my mom probably wouldn't be pleaesd at my immaturity and rebel rousing. ..... when the sun breaks, the student return to their places on the field before the projector an begin picking up thick booklets that i have copied and stacked and lugged to the scene. i've put a lot of work into creating these tests based on what they students have learned an how they think they can be most successful. mom dismisses them and has her own test to give. I AM BEYON FURIOUS!!! I AM SEETHING! I WNAT TO EXPLODE. instead i try to contain myself but after the student leave i mention , "i made of these things for you!" she shrugs it off. we are walking down the corridor and she says hi to her (our now) coworker. a vic principal maybe. i try to regain my compusure from my fury and i don't want her to hear me mistreating my mom. i think she senses my abusiveness and i feel shamed but also more desire to hurt her. i must cart the huge stack of books and supplies back now, but i don't know how i will do that. it seems so daunting, like so much hard work, like i'm not strong enough to do it. and it worries/scares/angers me. maybe i can do it in separate loads? i think maybe i could carry 3-4 books at a time. *(there are about 25 all togethre.. but that will take me forever!!! GRRR.. i am mad.. mom doesn't seem to notice or care. she blows the whole thing off, as usual. she never seems to take me seriously or notice me or respect me. somehow i get a wheely thing (hand cart) and start precarioulsly wheeling it away walking with her. i (still angrily whispering so not to make a scene) say things like "you never loved me" and although she doesn't openly agree, she continues on the the statement as if it was true and too elaborate upon it. i am devestated and want to cry out hysterically. it jst doesn't seem fair. i want desparately to still be loved by her. to have the love of a mother. to be nurtured and cared for and seen as special.. but it seems to late. she hates me, and being an adult now, i have little room for immaturity , or selfishness, or bad behavior. i have lost her forever it seems. she resents my anger and seems to despise me now. i want to weep uncontrollably and plead with her that i am still worth loving. that I LOVE HER, even though i'm sometimes not kind and fair to her, it seems i have pushed her too far. it is a devestating situation. i'm crushed beyond belief. it feels hopless
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the girl at subway makes me a sandwich. my mom and i are chatting with her. she like me for some reason.. i think i leave her a big tip or something. just for that we develop a special frienship and she saves something for me in the refridgerator. i think it is a glass of milk. but it is unlabeled and in the fridge and i have to sneak it out without anyone seeing. especially my dad. i feel honored by her recongnition and special
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ti make a composite image of her boyfriend for her using 2 other images. it is a amusing looking image of him today mixed with him from a outlandish outfit and fro from the 60's. i don't know why i made the picture, but i really like it and want to gift her with it. i feel silly though, because it seems out-of-place and without reason. i think she could be flattered but also thinking i'm a weirdo for going to the trouble. ..plus i have secret doubts that i do it more for his attention than hers and so i keep it to myself. even when she & he come sit and leave my classroom. there is a pull there. to reveal it or not. i decide its too risky still to share it. i risk her rejection and alientation. clearly, i do like him and think she will detect this. plus it isn't right.
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