Geez I worked the entire day and night and then headed straight here to job number #2. Didn't eat anything, didn't take breaks, didn't even go to the bathroom. I'm beat. Sitting on your arse all day sure can take a toll on you. I'm not sure if it feels good or bad to work so long. On one hand I feel productive, and hardworking, and engaged and happy to be earning cash. On the other hand, I wonder if I'm deliberately avoiding developing some semblance of a life. Like, with friends and interests and having fun and stuff. I'm not sure which it is though. Maybe I'm having fun working? I guess I'll need to mull it over some more. Meanwhile, I know it can't be healthy the way I neglect the things I NEED to do for ME. It seems I'm a whiz at organizing and bringing sanity to the new boss' business life, but my own life, that's a totally different story. While I'm creating a well-oiled, finely tuned office-machine for him, my home will go to shit because whenever I contemplate taking care of it, I get that nagging feeling that I'm wasting valuable time. Like, when I think about paying my bills or eating or... um, what else do people with lives do??? I guess its yet another symptom of my lack of self-regard, and importance. Damm. I hate that.


While driving here, I gave a quick call to Clvn, that man from a couple weeks ago that I really enjoyed and felt a connection to that I met from the club and had that painfully self-conscious date where I felt I utterly humilated myself. I figured he was giving me the brush off after he didn't return my call from a few days ago. Nonetheless, I decided, what the fuck, I liked HIM, and I'll give it one last shot. What's the worst that can happen if he doesn't wanna talk? I'd rather take the chance of another unreturned call then letting something go because of fear when it could have turned into a nice friendship, etc.... Who knows, maybe he was busy/didnt get the call/forgot/lost my number/etc/etc.... Anyway, on the last ring he answered and seemed SO ENTHUSIASTIC to hear from me. I was so excited! Then, at the end of the quick 10 min chat, he voluntarily committed to calling me tomorrow! How cool is that?! A miracle a day keeps the doctor away. Can't wait to hear from him. I do like him. I don't know why. He just has good energy, I think.

Meanwhile, there are several middleaged, semi to non-attractive men corresponding with me by emails through match.com. I generally feel compelled to respond to nearly everyone that expresses an interest in me through ("winks"), but tonight I began to question that methodology. The more involved the emails get, the more I begin to feel kinda, um, well creeped out, I guess. Like we're developing this deep emotional and intimate connection, but haven't even MET yet! I don't like that. What if we meet and there is no chemistry, but we've leapt ahead and shared personal, revealing information. YEs, I think its best to keep it short and sweet and go straight to a real-live meeting. Just get it out of the way ~ limit the expectations. What do you think?

Did you do your fucking taxes today? Dam them! Last couple years I owed over a T H O U S A N D FUCKING DOLLARS. (yes big nasty expletive swear words for this topic) Last year i was so disgusted I didn't have the stamina to follow through and actually file them. Afterall, I was still paying off the previous years! This year I will try to force myself. I sent in a request for an extension today. I hate our fucking government. Dam them dam them dam them! DAM THEM ALL!
(HEY!, now that I typed that I wonder if I'll start getting monitored by the FBI! Kewl dude!)

LOVE,
INDIGO

PS: How many "m's" are there in "damm"? And why don't they teach the REALLY useful spelling words in school anyway?