Difficult day. Painful. Uncomfortable. Yucky. But i detect growth in the air. And it feels GREAT!

I didn't have a meltdown! I tried my best to ride the wave. (Of emotion) And not punish myself for being scared. Its upsetting to be upset. I didn't like it! My heart was fluttering, my palms sweaty, I though I might throw up. How dare I? Loser! Weakling! Drama Queen! Silly attention seeking girl! I'm getting upset over nothing! I don't even know WHY I am upset! If it doesn't make "sense," then it doesn't count! (Right?) WRONG!!!

Nope, the above did not apply today. I claimed my fear, expressed it, and penetrating a shaft of hopeful light through my 40+ inch protective wall of armor. A poke into freedom. "Recovery" even?

All day long I've been desperate to find a computer to record my thoughts here. Now its late and I'm tired and will be unable to capture them all. But I found it interesting my new compulsion towards emoting and sharing here. Perhaps taking the place that food often took for me before? A far heatlhier alternative, for sure.

On one hand, I want to yell from the rooftops, YOU CAN FIND ME HERE! Read me read me read me read me! But also this is my fear, for it seems the more people that recognize me, the more I will feel constricted and the need to self-censor for fear of offending or feeling shame. Should I change names of acquaintances/friends/family? But, even if I did, surely people will know themselves. Interested in feedback here.

So back to today.

Today I ran home to shower/change clothes & neglected to put change in the parking meter. I was distraught to find a parking ticket within the short amount of time that I had been parked. Particularly because I have now over $1,000. 00 dollars that i know owe in parking fines. I find this nearly an intolerable stressor that has overwhelmed me and therefore for virtually ignored for multiple months. Well, not totally. I recently (due to feeling unusually good lately) courageously braved an attempt to research the situation and called the City/County to get a clearer picture of my current balance. This was a big step for me. That is when I learned that after a few months they charge a 25% interest rate which leaves me struggling to not feel hopeless and depressed by it. This coupled with the financial burden of owing my good friends exboyfriends $2000 airpass good for 1 year which I have felt too ashamed and dejected to use. I have only paid him back $20 and that seemed a momentous feat. Now nearly 1/2 of the year is gone. But finally, I did schedule my first flight for mid-May.