Tired.

I am a grump.
I have a bad attitude.
I am pissed off and sour.
I am no fun to be around anymore.
I suck.
I am old. Getting old. Old.
I am precariously dangling on the edge of bitter.
Pathetic.
Despairing.
Ungrateful
and unable to be happy.
Sometimes its just too much.
I'm ashamed.
Its so embarrassing being angry
and hurt
If he knew he wouldn't love me.
If i told him he would give up
I know it sounds ungrateful.
Unappreciative of all that's great.
Its embarrassing - my bad attitude.
I don't like it and i want it to go away. Its upsetting.
I want to be young again.
And innocent
and sweet
I want to erase the heartbreak and pain and lies and deceit.
I want to have fresh eyes to look upon things and to again assume first that people are good.
I want to trust.
Where is my trust?!
I want to trust and feel safe and secure.
I want to KNOW with everything in my heart.
I want to KNOW
completely and fully and without a shadow of doubt
to KNOW a hundred percent
I hate not being light and springy
I want to be kind and carefree
i want that easy smile
and gentle spirit that i'd always just assumed was me
Where did my smile go?
I feel so old
And sad