You'll never guess

I'm feeling happy.

Even content.

Grateful.

And hopeful for what's to come.

where have i been?

mostly working.
very late hours.
and then playing wow before crashing, rinsing and repeat.
haven't even read anyone's blogs so i don't know what's going on with you either.
what's going on with you?
but, on the bright side i have exciting news: tomorrow the cutie and i are doing something! something fun! 
we're going a cruise to the bahamas!
how about that?!
who would have guessed.
it happened suddenly and i don't know what to expect (haven't been on a cruise before) and never had an official vaction from a workplace.
i'll tell you about it when we return.  or, even, maybe while i'm there if they have internet on the boat.  (do they have internet on boats?)  they should, right?  i don't know.  we'll see.  but have a wonderful week and pray we don't hit an iceberge will ya please?

x0x0x0

indigo

Nifty Map thing

create your own visited country map
or check our Venice travel guide




create your own personalized map of the USA
Should I inlude states I just drove through on a road trip? I don't think that counts.

Odissi

The last dance to be done in a performance ~ the dance of liberation ~ the dance of transcendence ~ the dance of peace and joy.

Weekend Wedding

He's edgy today ~ I think its his pain - it's making him hostile. He sarcastically barked at drivers all the way home. The unpredictability of it made me ill at ease and slightly fearful. I stayed quiet not wanting to fan the flames . But it will pass. Probably when the new patch that he just applied to his chest kicks in. As I type, he just demanded someone "BE QUIET" who was talking over him in his vent WOW guild chat. Sounded strange. I hope that patch kicks in soon. I feel so sorry for him. I can't imagine what it would be like to be in constant pain.

Every

single

day.

It's so terrible.

It's so unfair.

We went to his best friend's wedding over the weekend. (It was his bachelor party that left us in the hospital for 3 days last weekend.) We had a long drive and arrived at the groom's new house late. The old tiny brick home was a flurry of activity: cute little boy-men in various states of dress - scampering about looking for socks and hairspray and fighting over the tiny bathroom mirror. Being the only girl-woman present, I had the honor of hastily pinning corsages (is that what they're called for men?) on handsome chests and straightening little black ties.

"Is this right? Should it be higher?"

"Just a little higher, here, like this." As I reached out, hoping to assuage some nerves.

It was

just

so

cute.

They were all so,

so

cute.

Then suddenly it seemed all of the lapels had lined up, anxiously waiting for my help. I felt special and important and needed. Silly and true. I was working on the third when interrupted by the arrival of an outlandishisly long white Hummer outside.

"We'll do the rest in the limo!" The groom exclaimed - nervously rushing the gang.

I hopped in my car to follow them since I didn't know my way when I noticed that we'd just made a giant loop around the block. The limo door flung open and the groom sprinted back inside the house, retrieving the wedding ring-pillow. Again we departed only to loop back again. The groom made a second mad dash to retrieve another overlooked wedding accoutrement. My heart raced for him. And when finally our 2 vehichle caravan arrived at the strange purple carpeted revival church, he realized that in his haste and excitement he'd forgotten something else - a CD - The Wedding march!

"I'll get it!" I volunteered, excited to be involved. I scribbled driving directions from The Cutie on a florescent orange The Lord Is Our Savior flyer, quickly took the groom's keys and cell phone and drove as fast as I possibly could in hopes of saving the day. I was on a mission. And happy.

* * *

He was in the wedding party and was so handsome in his tux. But the tux was heavy and the church was sweltering ~ I'd say 88 degrees? It was 4:00pm and he hadn't eaten a thing all day. I worried he'd pass out from a combination of low sugar and the strain of standing for such an extended period of time. Not to mention the danger of heat prematurely releasing a larger dose of fentanyl in his chest patch, making him sick or high or both. People die from fentanyl overdoses.

Big black women fanned themselves with programs handed out at the door laced with pink ribbon bows, reminding me of an old black southern church. The white preacher man wore scuffed white patent leather shoes with his black suit and used a poor man's grammar, wandering off topic and self-indulgently drifting about. He startled me with words like "stinky" and talked at length about "how many people these days get divorced and how men use up all of women's good years and then when they hit their 40's and 50's, and their wife gains a little weight, they run off and find themselves a 20 year old." An occasional "AMEN" or knowing "mmm hmmmm" rang out from the rows behind me making me glad that at least someone was getting something out of his peculiar delivery. I wondered privately if a guilty conscious informed his lecture. Everyone knows marriages are doomed these days ~ but why rub it in your face on your wedding day! So gloomy. So gauche.

And then the vows.... Preacherman made the groom and bride repeat word for word a long series of what sounded again like impromptu phrases. They seemed to ramble strangely and precariously on. When finally the groom was prompted to say, "Precious" ~ a good part of us did all that we could to contain the giggling.

"Precious," he repeated, stiffling his own chuckle.

But when promted next to add "My precious" half of the church could no longer contain themselves, and exploded into overflowing laughter. Others sat silent ~ perhaps confused.

A bit later the groom was promted:

"Your lips," "your lips"

"Are like strawberry's" "Are like ::chuckle:: strawberries " And he threw back his head and released a laugh.

The bride looked much less amused.

Maybe she didn't get the allusion. Or maybe she did but didn't find it funny. But why didn't she? At some point it all just became simply too ridiculous to overlook. Even on your wedding day. Especially on your wedding day. Or, maybe she stood before those 150 people, sweat falling from her beautiful done-up face, bewildered and alone. Did the laughter make her feel alienated on the one day that was supposed to be strictly hers? I contemplated it as she not-so-coyly plucked a crumbled Kleenex from her bosom, swabbed her sweaty upper lip and with a bend of her wrist tucked it back from whence it came. I wondered if my sense of bewilderment and disbelief suggested that I was snotty.

On the other hand, the receiption was as lavish as the church was hokey ~ and everything about it felt glamorous and ornate. Oversized mirrored walls, and white sparkeling points of light in tremendous crystal light pieces overhead like Saks Fifth Avenue New York at Christmas. The food too was as immaculate as plentiful, the DJ as entertaining as the photographers professional. It was lovely. And the Cutie and I danced for the very first time! The first time in our first 2 years of life together. (Our anniversary was July 25.)

2 years!

We talked about marriage and if it was in our future. He said he thinks of it every week and yet is still ambivalent. Regardless, he says, he wouldn't be able to do it for at least another two years.

Sad.

Sad?

I felt rejected and relieved.

Frustrated and glad.

I want him to want me. But maybe I'm jaded now too. Is marriage realistic? Useful? Necessary? Why do it? For the family? For religion? For security? For ownership? Isn't that entrapment? Is that fair? This young couple spent 16,000 dollars on this ceremony. Sixteen thousand dollars on this single day. And today as I type the day is gone. What a way to start a new life. In debt and stressed out. As if being a new home owner is enough. As if completely altering your life isn't enough. I wonder how they'll feel post-Aruba. Will they still feel they're meant for each other? As reality and bills and dishes and open toilet seat covers set in, will they begin to crumble? Are my good years being used up like those young women that the white shoed preacher spoke of? And will I be left childless and alone?

A weekend to never repeat

"Somethings wrong! He's not doing so good!" 

The bubbly man-nurse observed me cautiously, "Why.  What's going on?"  

Give facts - be concise- sound credible, 'He's um.  He's writhing around and in allota pain."

Mannurse nodded and I rushed back to The Cutie's bedside.  Then, before my eyes he deteriorated from bad to worse.   When the whimpering began my heart died a thousand times and when the tears came my heart was eviscerated.  Frantic, I raced to the nurse station and pleaded,

"Please hurry!  He's getting really bad!"  

And Supermannurse transformed into a hero as he finally he rushed off, activated retrieving relief.

The moments before the shot came was clearly the most excruciating millenium that I've ever experienced.  By the time the kindly bespeccled doctor arrived we were bawling.  I can hardly type it.  I can't barely think of it.  The horror.  The pain of seeing The Cutie, my love, in agony.  The pain of his pain.   My god.   What could possibly be worse?   

He said he wasn't going to drink and I never doubted him.  He's levelheaded, and a man of his word.   Not to mention that 50% of his dozen daily medications have giant flaming red "DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL" stickers wrapped around them, so it would behooooooove him not to.   Diabetes + alcohol is a recipe for disaster.  But as I'm sure you'd suspect from my lengthly preface, douchebag had 5 drinks at his best friend's bachelor party Saturday night leading to 10 hours of vomitting, leading to 3 days 2 nights of IV's & harried nurses, leading to my 5 days of sleepless bedside worry while trying to be his voice and protectorate.  Thank goodness the hospital is but a stone's throw away and little doggie is the best doggie in the world; adapting well to life in her box with the exception of my half time food visits and and quarterly bathroom/mini-walks in the 100+ degree NY sweltering air.  I missed two days of work.  And comically my first 2 days as an exempt college "Administrator" at that. (hahaha - is that as amusing to you as it is to me?)  Just riding the wave of life - unpredictable as it is. 

Off to the store to retrieve water.  His sugar is still high at 300.  Guess we're home but not yet fully recovered.  What jouney its been these past few days.

Another Day Another Dollar

Just arrived at work.  I'm determined to not let it get me down.  Today is going to be a good day!  I don't care what happens!  I will not let it get me down.  It's not worth it.  It's up to me how I feel.

A day of Peace

The phones are down which means no displaced angry accusations, no frustrated venters, no idiotic repetitious questioning, and no interruptions! 

 

Praise the Lord!   

 

As far as customer service, I always saw myself as gifted, until now, that is.  Things are getting to me.  Yesterday I almost had a meltdown after a call from HR informing me I'd be required to pay for Health Benefits for an entire month that I actually couldn't use them at all.  Didn't have an insurance card and couldn't make appointments.  Completely deflated and tired, I mumbled "Ok.  It doesn't matter.  I'm just tired of fighting."  The Director called me back immediately alarmed which made me start cracking up right in the middle of the room on the phone.  Kindness does that to me.  If only people could maintain a constant level of indifference towards me, it would be much easier to maintain composure.  But at that point I was so embarrassed that I couldn't formulate any decent sentences anyway and was thoroughly humiliated by my unintentional show of emotion.  I AM tired though.  I'm so so tired.  6 interviews and almost an entire year later I'm STILL being put on hold in regards to an actual position here.  ("The proposal needs to be signed by the VP and Pres)  Broken promises Broken Promises Broken Promises~ why is it so hard to simply honor what YOU'VE already proposed?  I mean, did I make this up?  No!   Last Tuesday when I finally received an official offer (after my SIXTH interview for the school -  the SECOND for the actual position I'm working in the same department with the same Bosslady. DUH!) , I quietly expressed disappointment as it didn't match what was formerly promised even in writing!  (I NEVER and i repeat NEVER would have returned had I not a guarantee, IN WRITING that I would not be screwed over again~ Burned once - Shame on you? Burned twice - shame on you? Burned thrice - SHAME ON ME!!!)   And $4 dollars less an houris allot in my life right now.  ALLOT)    The kindly looking old HR man looked downwards at his papers, and if I didn't know better, I might venture to was embarrassed for the organization.   At least I hope he was.  He needed to be.  Unscrupulous!  Unethical!  Simply wrong.   And this is a religious institution no less?   Bah!  You'd be a fool to not see this transparent incongruous empty "offer."   And this after returned AGAIN "to help" the extremely short-staffed, chaotic, over-stressed department in a desparte need AFTER the the thorough humiliaton of being kicked to the curb twice for position previously promised to me.  Again and again.    Anyway...

 

At least the CrazyBossLady is gone for the day along with her authoritarian 12 year old who's  "worked" with us each day for the past few weeks - issuing commands as translated from her manic overbearing mother.  The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree and we cringe as she approaches - stopping and staring intently inches away from our desks as she waits while we address student or faculty walk-ins.   In her 12 year old voice, she clumsily answers the phones and occasionally shouts  to Mommy for further directions.  It's so          embarrassing.             As if one of them isn't enough ~ now they've multiplied!   The Cutie threatens to call CPS and fulfill my secret evil dream.  HA!  But no, we suck it up and bear it.  Like so many other aspects of this nut-house office.  Day by day.  I keep my eyes on the paycheck and keep planning to job-search yet again.  When I have the strenght.  True its a paycheck, but still, I'm not totally dead yet.   Not yet.   I want more.  But I keep wondering what lessons I should take from this?  I'm 3 for 3 now for the jobs in New York.  Is there any meaning to that?  Is it a sign that it will be the same everywhere?  To live a life as an employee, will I be inevitably required to grin and bear impatience, unkindness,  arrogance,  dogmatic rigidity,  irrationality. 

 

I suspect I'm much to sensitive to survive in New York.

 

I think it's going to eat me alive.

It seems like everyday is a fight.  Why does everything require a fight?   Why don't people just honor their agreements.  Why don't people just do what's right.  I'm so tired of fighting.  Every day is seems to be yet another fight.  I'm tired.  Tired of it.  Tired.

Thank god

It's the weekend!  Yay!  Relief! 
Peace!

Bad Bosses and How to Handle Them

By BARBARA MOSES
Globe & Mail May 6, 2002

SHe goes from strength to strength, even though everyone knows he has the spine of a jellyfish. He won't lobby for the resources you need, or stand up for you on critical issues. As a result, you are doing work below your own standards, but he doesn't seem to care -- so long as it gets done within the budget.

At the first sign of a conflict, he runs. He tolerates toxic behaviour from your co-workers and perhaps even encourages petty rivalries. He is a classic example of the weak manager, and a very bad boss.

Bad bosses -- whether jerks, bullies, or micro-managers -- have always been with us. Today, however, we're seeing more bad bosses than ever before. As a result of institutionalized leanness, overextended managers are both short-tempered and too busy or ill-trained to provide staff with the support they need. No one has as much power as a bad boss to unnerve you and wreak havoc on your sense of self-esteem. This is why it is commonly said that people don't quit jobs, they quit bosses.

What makes for a bad boss? Some are just plain nasty, but often, a bad boss is all in the eye of the beholder. One person's boss from hell may be another person's pinup. If you need regular direction, for example, you will be miserable with a hands-off, absentee manager, but if you have strong needs for autonomy you will flourish under the same regime.

Then again, the problem could be simply bad chemistry. She's an introvert and you're an extrovert. You like direction, she thinks you're "needy." You like to go home at six, she's a workaholic. So before you assume your boss is a complete jerk, ask yourself: Does she get along with others? Does she pick on everyone, or just you?

The key to getting on with a boss is to manage him by understanding his underlying motivations, which may be different than you think. Here are some common types of bad bosses, their motivations, and strategies for dealing with them. If you're a manager, look for yourself in these descriptions:

The weak manager

She won't stand up for you. She aggressively avoids taking risks. She's vague and her commitments have the sticking power of water.

But the underlying causes of her behaviour can vary. Often, she simply wants to be liked by everyone, and can't stand conflict. It's also possible she's too busy to understand when there is a problem, or too burned out to care. Frequently, such managers are reluctant to be managers at all, and would much rather be getting on with their own work as individuals.

They may also be ill-trained, and lacking management skills.

If you are dealing with a weak manager, identify the problem. For example, if your manager needs to be liked by everyone, avoid communications that suggest contentious or highly charged emotional issues. Where you can, solve conflicts yourself. If her problem is that she is spineless and refuses to take on any leadership role, talk to your boss's boss.

If your boss is too burned out to care or is a reluctant manager, work around her. Take the initiative to set out the parameters of the work. Give yourself the feedback you need. Pin your boss down by e-mail to a suggested meeting time.

Make her life easy by only talking to her about critical issues. If your boss is lacking management skills, tell her what you need from her to do your job. Then cover yourself by sending an e-mail.

The political manager

He has an unerring ability to know what will make him look good. He will go to bat for you only on issues that serve his political agenda. He's sneaky and plays favourites. He won't think twice about using you as a sacrificial lamb to support his own career goals.

Support his high need for recognition by making him look good on strategic projects. Focus your own efforts on "high-value" work. Be prepared to share the limelight, even if it kills you. Don't trust him to have your own interests at heart. Pitch him on work you want to do by emphasizing its profile and importance to senior management.

The black-and-white manager

He just doesn't get it -- either because he has the IQ of an eraser or he is as concrete as they come. He doesn't understand context, nuance, or high-level ideas.

If his problem is intellectual deficiency, indulge him like a misguided child. Better yet, ignore him if you can. But if the problem is one of cognitive style, shape your communications to his needs. If he is fact-oriented, don't waste your time painting compelling arguments based on ideas. Simply state the facts and provide information unembellished.

The obsessive micro-manager

She trusts you the way you'd trust a five-year-old behind the wheel of the car. No matter how much detail you give her, or how many times you do redo a piece of work, it's still not right. You're completely demotivated and have lost your sense of competence.

Why is she so untrusting? Is she anxious about failing to please her boss, or is she simply a control freak? If the problem is her own insecurity, anticipate issues that will make her anxious by reassuring her that you have covered all the bases. Say, for example, "in completing this I spoke to Jane Doe and took the following issues into account . . ." Write it down as well, as she may be too anxious to fully process what you are saying.

The invisible manager

You have no one to go to for direction. She doesn't have a clue about the volume or pace of your work. You're killing yourself, but no one notices or gives you feedback.

This manager shares many of the underlying motivations of the weak manager. She may be invisible because she's too busy, or is a reluctant or unskilled manager.

If she is pressed for time, do your homework before you meet with her to make the meeting as efficient as possible. Be strategic on issues where you need support. Give yourself direction and feedback by setting milestones and regularly evaluating your effectiveness against them. Thank yourself for a job well done. Establish a mechanism for getting direction, whether it be weekly or monthly meetings at an agreed time. Hold her to her commitment

The task master

He doesn't have a life, and doesn't expect you to either. You're drowning in work but he keeps heaping on more. His time-lines are ridiculous. Sometimes an extremely task-focused manager is simply shy or preoccupied, or so focused on getting the work done that he's not aware of the impact of his behaviour on the people around him. Is he aware of your work load?

If you've talked to him and he still doesn't get it, create your own standards for evaluating what is realistic and doable. Don't be apologetic about wanting time for a personal life. Work-life balance is your right, not a privilege. If your organization wants to "be an employer of choice" remind your boss of the incongruity between policy and behaviour.

The nasty manager

She's ruthless. She seems to take pleasure in watching you squirm. She has pets and you are not one of them.

Sometimes an apparently nasty boss is simply so task-focused that she is oblivious to how her behaviour makes you feel. Underneath a gruff exterior, as the saying goes, may be the heart of a pussycat. When you confront her, does she apologize, or get mad?

Regardless of what type of boss you have, your first line of defense is to speak to him, as he may not be aware of his behaviour. Don't make sweeping generalizations about his personality. Rather, talk to the specific behaviour in question and tell him how it makes you feel. You can soften your comments and avoid defensiveness by allowing your boss to save face. Introduce your statements with "You may not be aware . . ." or "You may not realize . . ." or "You may not intend . . ."

If none of these strategies work, you have two choices. If you have good personal reasons for staying in your job -- you love your work, you're learning a lot, you like the people you're working with -- you can hold your nose and ignore your boss as best you can. Or, you can quit: life is too short too deal with this kind of abuse.

Dr. Barbara Moses is the best-selling author of What Next? The Complete Guide to Taking Control of Your Working Life, an international speaker and work issues expert.

P.S.

Thank you for your comments.   They bring me back to life.

FOUL

Disgust.  Utter overflowing disgust.  I can't begin to express the foulness of this feeling.  And it seems like I'll be pulled under the reprehensible blanket incompetence too if I continue here.  In the departement.  In this school?  I mean, this stuff is important!  In many cases crucial to people lives!  Their degrees their money.  $20,000 a year is no joke.  I'd want to know that the people billing me had a clue.   I'd want to know the people totalling up my credits could count.  Ok I'm exaggerating, or, am I?   I want someone who gives a shit!  I want someone who's intelligent enough to see there are problems even if they don't yet know how to fix them.  I WANT TRAINING!!!!   I'm a hard worker who gives a damm and will go to great lengths to see a job well done.  But it's irrelevant if I'm told to do things that require information that is not given.  If I ask basic questions, her face goes red, her voice rises and she angrily repeats again again things quite unrelated.  Why?  Why?!   Is she crazy?  Is she stupid?  Is she... defensive because she doesn't know either?  Does she just not know how to communicate?  Listen to and respond?  Interpret verbal dialogue?  What can it be?  Regardless, I am NOT the Registrar!  So how is it that she's demanding a sign important verficiation documents and use the college seal?  I don't even have a title for goodness sake!  I don't even have an offical job yet!  After all of these months, actually a year now I'm still in limbo.  Here but not here.  Employed but barely an employee.  Expected to know everything but virtually untaught.  These poor students.  Ultimately they're the ones who suffer.  And they're the ones we're supposed to be here for.  Where are they left?  Glossed over and considered inconveniences by overtaxed, frustrated workers.  Oh, I am tired.

In a Fog

Haven't been too aware of myself.  What's happening around me.  Where I ought to be or where I am.  Trying to protect myself I think.  From getting to overwhelmed.  Blogging would likely increase the consciousness which may be (unconsciously) why I've avoided it.  To erupting from the haze may be prickly.  Can I handle that?  I may be teetering with depression.  When I think about the amount of crying it seems like it.  Thank goodness I finally have health insurance and finally (finally!) I plan to make some appointments - with a therapist, dentist, doctor about what seemed like a sudden case of wicked carpel tunnel that developed without warning after precariously positioned at a counter and attemping to type all day with hands by my shoulders at work.  Damm her!  The current "boss" is just beyond words.  But if I DID have words, I might say, PASSIVE AGRESSIVE, INEPTITUDE, DUPLICITOUS, UNPROFESSIONAL and a strong resemblance to a circus clown.  Of course saying all of that would require negativty which I'm trying so hard to avoid.  But its hard.  So hard.  I'm being sued by two separate creditors making outrageous inflamed claims regarding debts TWELVE YEARS OLD.  Can they do that?  I don't know?  Can they win?  I don't know.  I'm overwhelmed by my lack of empowerment.  I need information, knowledge and help but lack the resources to get it.  I need a lawyer.  But the cutie says they're $400 an hour which is far beyond my reach.  And so I'm left to my own wavering devices.  Blindly negotiating a system I don't understand.  Clumsily filing court papers that I can't read. 

 

And back to work. 

 

The boss arrived.

 

 

Just Tired.

I haven't been posting because I don't like hearing my own negativity. It embarrases me. I'm supposed to be an optimist. The one the makes you feel better. That comforts. That makes you laugh. So who's words are these in my head?

It's not that bad.

Really.

 

I'm ok. 

 

I'm usually happy.

 

The work situation has been unreal though.  The past months frustrations are too big to want to retell.

 

I'm so happy to get your comments! 

 

I can't believe you're stickin around!

 

Now THAT makes me happy.

 

 

=)

Where to start?

I've been swept away - haven't read or blogged in countless weeks.  Absorbed in ~no not absorbed~ lost in ~ work then rushing home to escape it though my fantasy WOW world until finally falling into unconscious sleep.  Rewind. Begin again.  Day after day.  Just trying to get by.  Survive.  Flourishing is not even on the radar.   One day at a time.  Mindless and numb.  Trying my best to contain the rage.

I think I'm a sellout

And/or have no self-respect.  Obviously.  Otherwise why would I accept this treatment?  Because I "need" a job.  Even if it's barely a job.  A sympathy job, as it is.  Not good enough to be officially hired but not bad enough to be fired.  So instead hired and dehired hired and dehired and all-the-time hanging on by a thread.  Scrutinzed and judged.  Dancing and prancing and putting on a show.  Trying to be liked enough to stay.  Valued.  When will it end?  8 months and still in limbo.

zoinks

Just reread that post - so many typos!  I'll fix it when I get home....

(I'm in the college computer center posting from my email.)

My eyelids weigh a thousand pounds

and I'm only half way through the day.   This job can be taxing. Lines and lines of students out the door - mostly perplexed and frustrated and often ready aggressively launch into accusations and demands.  For the past week I've been virtually on my own to field the complaints, tuition payments, billing questions, transcript orders, and releasing holds for registration.  This feels like some kind of feat considering I've pretty much had to figure all of the mentioned by myself is stressful alone.  Also, I've had to work long hours - way past my official end time of 4:30 since certain functions - most especially reconciling and closing the day must be done every night.  Thus far, that has meant if the lines of student waiting 45 minutes + to see me happens to still be there at 4:30, I don't even BEGIN the reconciling process until the time I'm supposed to go home - meaning I don't get home for another several hours ~ unpaid.  And, technically, I'm still a temp!  When I remind myself of that - it blows my mind that a process as important as the Fall registration was virtually left to a temp!  

 

Yesterday, I had yet ANOTHER interview, (for the job that I'm already working.)  If you've been counting, that makes 3 now for this school.  One with the President for the Exec Assist job (which I got), 2 for the that same job (which I then didn't get), and 3 for this now replacement job (that I've been working at.)   Um.  Does that seem outrageous to you too?

 

::sigh::

 

The HR Director was sure to mention at the end that I do not have the job yet as he is considering all of the application, but he thanks me for my help during this busy time.

 

:::blank stare:::

 

I don't even want to CONSIDER them not offering this too me at this point.   I would sue.  I would scream.  I would file complaints.  I don't know what the hell I would do except be utterly sick.  

 

 

Some Progress! Finally!

The wonders of work.

I don't care what job it is, it just feels so much better to have a full-time job. If only "temp," (though it appears not for long) waking up every day, busting my butt, and getting a friggin paycheck is such a relief. I feel better about myself. I have more of a sense of security. And my god, actually am feeling some optimism.

Letter to Tammi

Hey Indigo, Glad you like the Dog Whisperer .... isn't he just amazing?

Yes! Very! And cute too! ;0)

I tried many of his techniques but can never stick to any one of them. Scruffy is still a little monster. I have a DVR so I record all of his episodes too! Btw, how is your little puppy?

Really great! I love her to pieces! She has such a great, calm temperament and brings so much joy to our lives. She hardly ever barks at all and is learning tricks. The only problem has been mostly The Cutie's fault to be honest. A few time he's been too harsh with her (which has been very scary for me) and she'll pee/poop on him. (But kinda serves him right, right?) We're trying to work through it and they're trying to develop a more trusting relationship again. (And with me!) Although its usually ok, things aren't perfect with him. He can be quick tempered, I think largely due to his physical pain &; exhaustion. A couple weeks ok we had a bad "argument" but I hate to even say argument because it wasn't two-sided. He just kinda lost it. I actually felt sort-of embarrassed for him and scared for myself and the puppy. He actually apologized the next day which he NEVER does. I really appreciated that he humbled himself like that. ...And whenever this sort of thing happens (when he goes from zero to 60 in 10 seconds) he will inevitable kick me out ("get the fuck out" etc) - reaffirming how this space is ultimately really not my home - and I can be booted at any moment if he so chooses. But when he did that I calmly refused. And even chuckled. It was so ridiculous. I wasn't buying it this time. No way I'm going to let him do that to me anymore. Besides again, where am I going to go? No, I have not made any friends or met hardly anyone at all with the exception of a few casual acquaintances at work. No one I could really call let alone stay with if something happened. Not only that but I have to money! Not even enough for a hotel. Like that one time I called you beside myself, I was so scared! Oh, and I wouldn't even be able to call anyway because my cell phone was cut off for non-payment! Ugh.

I went to my first AutoCAD class last night and it wasn't what I expected - or maybe it was exactly what I expected (but wasn't willing to admit). Everyone else in the class works at some engineering firm and have the program to play around with already. I found out that the full version costs $4,000.

There's got to be a way to find a pirated version. Maybe even someone in the class or the instructor could help you get one. I'm thinking about a guy I knew in Hawaii - I think he may have one. I might be able to ask him..... What's the name of the program you're using?

I kept trying to use the program like Photoshop - which I know so well. I realized that I'm more used to thinking "outside of the box." AutoCAD is just the opposite - you gotta think "inside the box."

Really? What do you mean?  I hate inside the box!

I was so disappointed in myself.

What!? Why???!! It's not your fault for goodness sakes! I'm proud of you for trying something new! So it may not be a perfect fit right off the bat but at least you're giving it a shot! That's something to be proud of! And I bet you know much more today about Autocad than you did last month, right? And also, I bet you know much more than most people you know. I know you know more that I know!

I was lost at least 90% of the time. I even cried when I came home!

That sounds really really frustrating. But again, it really doesn't sound like your fault. I think anyone in that situation would have felt overwhelmed.

The instructor told me that it would be very difficult to learn the program without having some kind of background in drafting. The course description never mentioned any kind of pre-requisite.

!!!!!!!!How IRRITATING!!!!! Did he give you any suggestions or help at all?

I'm probably going to drop out and get a partial refund.

Good! I would hope so!! Are there any other classes you could take that you would like? Were are you taking the classes? Did you have an interest in Autocad before Thomas suggested it? How enthused were you?

I bet Thomas is really disappointed in me since he was thinking that this would change my life. I was already apprehensive before the class started since I know absolutely nothing about drafting. He wants me to keep trying but I really don't think it's for me.

That's the key, I think. You have to do what's right for you. He may have good intentions, but that doesn't mean you have to twist yourself into an entire career that was more his design than your own. If he wants to be truly supportive, he should honor your path as you desire it, not how he wants it. I don't think there's anything wrong with a "thanks but no thanks thomas." You're under no obligation to him - even if he payed for it!

It was so humiliating. Talk about killing my already super low self-esteem. I want to continue just to make him happy

why?

but it makes me feel even more like a failure.

ahhh... i'm sending you an on-line mental hug. You're not a failure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I do know exactly how that feels. I've been feeling alot like that lately too.

I guess it's a good thing you got laid off at the doctor's office. You don't need to be in such a bad environment.

Yes that's what I've been thinking too.... Even though it's scary financially, that place was super bad for my self- esteem too! It was just so negative and nasty. And frustrating! And petty! 

I'm glad you have the job at the college ..

Me too!!

.. are you still planning to work there full-time eventually?

Yes in a month or two I'm supposed to be there 3 days a week . One of those days I'll overlap with the current lady in the position . And then in 5 months when she retires I'm supposed to take her place.

I really give you credit Indigo, you go out there and keep trying.

Um. Thanks but I don't really feel I deserve that credit. I'm just doing what I have to really. I 'd like to be doing much more . I feel like I'm more attempting subsistence, not flourishing.

Me? I'm afraid to even look for anything.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!! Me too! It's scary! But, hopefully in the end will be worth it. I'm so tired of being poor. And bored. And feeling bad about myself.

Heck, I never even updated my resume since 1995!

Really? Do you want to update it? Do you want to work on it together?

I feel like I'm just waiting for something to happen.

Like what?

You must be meeting a lot of different people?

Not at all. It's so hard for me. Even in Hawaii it was so hard.

Have you had a chance to make some good friends? What about your dancing? Can you continue in New York?

Oh I forgot to tell you! I started a class 2 weeks ago. It's only once a week and its in the city which means I have to take a 45 minute subway ride into town at night which I worried me at first - but its been ok... I'm not sure if I like the class yet as I am out of shape and its a slightly different style. (The style I learned is a little softer and I think prettier.) I sometimes wonder if I should just give it up. But then if I give it up I give up that dream. Am I prepared to do that? Or am I just deluding myself? I haven't decided yet. I don't know. But meanwhile I'm giving it (one last) shot?

I'm taking the classes at a dance studio called l but its with the T. I haven't told my teacher yet, but I feel I should. I'm afraid she'll be miffed or use it against me if/when I learn from her again.

How are you doing with the eating?

Um. Not great lately actually. I've been doing allot of anxious/stressed/frustrated/bored eating lately and have gained some weight. I'm getting so scared!

It's such a scary subject for me to bring up. I got really big while delivering the paper. My arms and legs are huge.

Are they really truly? Or do they just feel that way.

It made it even more difficult to go outside and see people - I am so ashamed.

I understand that feeling completely. Just today when The Cutie said his best friend was coming over (he comes over pretty frequently to play video games) and I was jokingly pouting, he asked me what was wrong and I blurted out, "I'M FAT AND UGLY" .... Yes sort of jokingly, but actually not really. I hate going out and being around people and being seen when I'm so huge and bloated and feeling so yucky!

It's weird that as soon as I quit the paper, I lost my appetite.

Did you? Why do you think that is?

Guess it would be good to be in therapy to discuss that, huh?

Yeah, I've been thinking about how much I'd like to/need to be in therapy right now. I could really use the support more than ever.

Indigo, I was thinking that maybe you are suffering from Anorexia? I didn't want to say it but I've been thinking it. You lost so much weight so quickly ... If I'm out of line I apologize ...

Not at all!!! I don't mind you saying that at all.

it's just something that's been on my mind and I've been concerned.

Thanks so much for your concern, I really appreciate it - but honestly I don't think it's really been the case. It may seem like a quick weight loss, but actually it was pretty slow when you think about it. It was about 50 pounds but over an entire year. That's about a pound a week and I ate pretty consistently throughout.

I've gained a lot of weight since the days of our EA group ... it's like the same old thing - I start eating again, my weight goes up ... something traumatic (or not even so traumatic) happens and I stop eating again. I don't think I've really changed at all.

Really? Not at all. Maybe you (like me) could just use a little more support. I think people are meant to have stronger support systems - networks than we seem to have. I bet that would make a big difference if we had that in place. Don't you think? Sometimes even though with the cutie I still feel so lonely.

Oh, I have to tell you a really neat story. Did I tell you that my dog found a $20 bill last month? She went up to smell it and that's how I saw it. I decided to tuck it away for Vegas. I'm not much of a gambler so I played a lot of nickel slots just to kill time. T gave me money to play and I tried to make it last. The money went up and down (kinda like my weight - hehehe) and I totally quit gambling at all by the last day. At that point, I was down around $150. So anyway ... a few hours before we were supposed to leave I remembered the dog's $20 bill. I put it in a slot machine but it kept getting rejected so I moved to another machine. After a few spins, I hit $230! I was so happy. It's funny b/c $230 is probably not much to all those gamblers but it was such a big deal to me. I was all smiles - especially since it was the dog's money. I went to the gift shop and bought the dogs little toys. It was so cool.

Wow! That IS a great story. And my the cutest part is how you bought them little toys at then end! he he!

As for the Vegas trip? I hated it. Thomas pretty much left me alone while he played black jack. He would play for hours and hours while I just sat around. Plus, I got sick on the first day there. I felt like I was trying to kill time during the whole trip. I walked around the shops but couldn't really buy anything so I would go back to the room and watch tv (and they only had three channels!) I walked around and around the casinos but was too afraid to venture out to the other casinos. I wanted Thomas to have a good time so I just tried to keep myself busy. Everything was so awful. I brought two pairs of jeans with me and on the second day, I sat on gum on a bus. I was so very, very happy to be home with my girls. I missed them so much - too much.

Well, I don't know where I'm going from here since the AutoCAD thing isn't gonna work out.

let's brainstorm! maybe we can come up with something together....... what would you like to do????

Hope to hear from you soon. Love,

Stylin. Profilin.

Up until now i figured it would be better to leave the "Interests" section of my blogger profile blank rather than attempt to write something and risk missing something important. (Gooooo NEUROTIC PERFECTIONISM!!! WOOHOO!) But suddenly stricken with inexplicable enthusiasm, i just now spent an excessive amount of time developing a list of everything that jumped to mind. Finally i published (or attempted to) and discovered a measly 600 character limit. ZOINKS! (You know there's something wrong when you're too wordy even for blogger.) Ah well... Guess I'll just publish it here instead! GOTCHA BLOGGER FIENDS!

INTERESTS:
AquaTeenHungerForce, authenticity, being present, Bikram yoga,book stores, carmel machiattos, candlelight, Chris Rock, D, the collective unconscious, compassion, communication, community building, cooking experiments,dance enthnography, experiential education, dawn, documentaries, dreams, eating disorders, emotion, ESP, expressive arts therapy, falling snow, fitness, fire, flamenco, freestyling, gaming, getting lost and discovering new places, giggling, herstory, holistic health, Hawaii, hula, homemade pita & hummus, humanism, improv, independent film-making, India, irreverent asses, King of the Hill, learning, light and shadow, long hugs, love, martial arts, MIDI composition,mind/body, MAD tv, multiculturalism, NPR, making art, nonviolence,nutrition, Odissi, organic gardens, patience,people watching, people's stories, playing, playback theater, rule breaking, sexy lingerie, sparkly things, sustainability, Qigong, long gratuitous lists, rainbow sherbert, religions, seashores, song writing, soul music, surfing, thrift store shopping,travel, tree houses, truth seekers, trying to sound impressive, religion busters, rich colors, sensuality, tobouli, whipped cream, stretching comfort zones, velvet, VW vans

UNINTERESTED IN:
Cheators, consumerism, dishonesty, eating animal organs, being depressed, hateful christians, getting old, gossip, guilt, shame, repression, Rush Limbaugh, patriotism, soap operas

WISH I WAS INTERESTED IN:
Being a wage-slave, competitive sports, the stock market, dates and times, calendars, cleaning, a God

Bottled up

Dammit. I ate too much. Dammit. Dammit Dammit. I feel shitty and stuffed. I feel pissed and pissy. I feel mad that i can't talk about it. I feel frustrated that i don't have an outlet. And i feel afraid that if i don't figure something out i'll begin to stuff it stuff it stuff it down my throat and try to swallow it whole until it goes to my gut and i begin again to start exploding out of my clothes. And just when i had lost so much weight. Dammit. I'm flowing. Perhaps i could continue and simply erase this entry when i'm done?

No. Deadwood is on and i suppose i should watch so i don't get behind.

Dammit

dammit dammit dammit

$20 an hour? Thumbs Up or Down?

20 bucks an hour. Take it or leave it? High or low? Impressive, repressive?

Me?

The best I've done so far, that's for sure.

At the group home, in the offices, at the prison, I earned approximately half that. The only job that produced an equal compensation would be the one term of teaching I did prior to leaving Hawaii. (But that was only part-time anyway & not exactly a career track.)

Not that this is a career track or anything.

But does it make me lame that I'm totally psyched nonetheless?

I am! (Psyched, that is.) So psyched!!! It's livable! Certainly!

Lowered expectations?

More pathetic-ness?

I don't care I'm still excited.

I think that's like $41 a year! Yay!

I'll take it!

Until I figure out something better.

I'd like to start a business.

Or two.

And I still want to go to grad school.

But meanwhile this is so so much better (financially)...

Like I said.

Yay.

I'm so tired of being poor. Not third world poor or anything, but poor.

Guide Me

I wish someone could help me figure things out. Like someone wise who understood and knew things. Like a mentor or guide or something. It would be particularly cool if they liked me or something - or had some sort of investment in helping me sort things out. I'm so lost. Sortof. I mean, I have some ideas and hunches, but what else is out there? What might I be missing? What am i not considering? I don't want to make any mistakes. Time is short and the financial stakes are high.

Taking Requests

If I was to take photographs of things around me, what (if anything) would you like to see?  =)

Email to Old Buddy From Highschool

Haven't really re-launched the job search yet ~ dragging my feet I suppose. I find it discouraging to spend such great efforts seeking something I actually don't even want (being some self-important a-hole's peon - invaluable though invisible - if not overlooked then snubbed.) But forced to do it because what else am I qualified for? On the other hand, I've seen ads for Exec Assistants in Manhatten that pay up to 90,000 bucks a year. Jeez - that's more than allot of respectable careers. Anyway, I sucked it up and accepted the conciliatory temp position at the college as an "Assistant Director of Registration/Bursar" after they posted (and gave away) the job they had (informally) given me months ago. The school recently hired a new HR director and I think he intervened after he realized that they (The President) had not formally opened the position up to the public. Thus they began interviewing and booted me out - despite my having worked my butt off for him for months. It was such a shock since I've already been listed in their campus directory with the title, been given a staff ID, etc - I suppose its for the best though - I'm less likely now to become complacent and stay somewhere I clearly should not be. (Though intelligent and sometimes thoughtful, the blustery, impatient President has regular tantrums and is known to make even VP's cry.) (Did I already tell you of this? I can't remember - sorry if I did.) I would at least appreciated some sort of acknowledgment that they fucked up, let alone an apology. Effers.

Anyway, your assessment of easterners is funny. It definitely hits home. This is my third attempt at working since moving to NY and each experience has been as equally dismaying. The first one lasted a couple months. The guy I worked for owned a construction business and it was mainly just he and I in the office. I liked the independence/freedom since I was often alone, but dreaded his reappearance because he'd curse like a madman and belittle me (without reason - not that it matters.) When he began throwing things (his stapler, the phone) and smashing them against the walls, I left a note, my keys, some other applicants' resumes for his future reference and hightailed it home. I didn't hear from him again.

The next job was down the street from where I live working for an eye doctor. I was stoked because I thought it would be so inspiring to work for a woman. My fantasies of empowerment quickly withered the first day when I noticed tension in the office so thick it was palpable. Saving you the gory details, she was crazynuts. Nasty, condescending - a wicked micro-manager. I saw her humiliate her staff (AND patients) so many times that it blew my mind - and every week I told myself I could avoid any deleterious long-term impact and ought to stick it out for the paycheck - but - I could see that overtime, my already tenuous, flagellated self-esteem would inevitably erode into dust like all the other mites trapped there.

So - ?! Is this a NY thing - or what?! Sure does lead one to rethink Seattle a bit - rain and all.

Yes, I guess WOW is considered a role-playing game. There are stories/plots/missions- different classes/races, professions. It can be really quite complicated actually. The detail of the programming leaves me continually awed. The gorgeous graphics alone are incredible. It really is like being immersed into another world. So, when are you going to start playing? I told The Cutie that I could see you getting into it and that I think you'd be a great recruit. He was psyched. (He's always looking for steady (smart) teammates that he can rely on.) =)

I'm mainly playing an Undead Warlock. It's nifty, I cast spells, can summon people and have little demon pets that follow me around.... (I am, in fact, aware of just exactly how retarded I sound.) But you asked! hahahahaha

Besides that? For fun? Not too much. There are so many restrictions on my (our) lives mainly because of The Cutie's health problems. So, just trying to make do with what we have. Hopefully he'll feel better some time soon in the future. Oh, I did start dropping by an O class in the city. Haven't gone for a few weeks - but I was pretty enthused for the chance to continue dancing... I spent about a month in xx a year ago with xx but haven't danced since.... Oh and blogging I guess. I do try to blog whenever possible.

And how about you?

What do you do for fun?

How's Seattle life?

How's your family?

Seakitty's Comment

1 Comment

SeaKitty said...

it was just this morning. i was lying in bed and realizing that i'm a lot of things i always wanted to be.

i told walter the story about how i'd crashed my aunt's new red convertible (the one she'd "always wanted"). and how she never got angry with me. she never yelled. she never really seemed upset.

and how i was so afraid my mom and step dad would find out. how i'd be hung. oh the yelling i was in for.

and right then and there, i decided i wanted to be like D Aunt.

she said all that was really important was that i wasn't hurt. nobody was hurt.

and that she didn't yell, because there was no use getting upset over it. what good would it do?

she showed me how to make priorities. how to put the big things in perspective. how to realize that not everything is a CRISIS.

my mother thought dirty dishes were a crisis. anything that caused her "stress" was a crisis. and whoever was in the room was worthy of her stress relief.

i decided not to be like this.

and last night i realized i think i've fully achieve this. i'm really much more like D aunt than my mom in this respect, though it's taken conscious decision making and effort.

but i'm willing to bet...you're all those things you "want to be". i bet every choice you've made over the years was guided by these wishes of yours.

i bet you've already fulfilled everyone of those criteria you've laid out for yourself.

i realized it reading you.

but what makes the difference is you realizing it.

I sucked it up and

took the temp job today. Thank-Seakitty for the invaluable comments! The second one was a doozy. I woke up this morning thinking about it. I'll continue to think about it.

Today I don't feel desparately unhappy. I'm such a sensitve person. No wonder I've gravitated towards food to fill the frightening voids. Trying not to do that forces me to sit in my feelings. And that's hard.

I'm glad I'll have an income, at least for a couple weeks. And full-time too which is more than I've had for months. I can breathe now - allbeit just for a moment.

Even bought the cutie a fancy hot/cold contraption for his back/shoulder. And some special creme for his feet. Its funny how 2 weeks of potential work can make one feel suddenly rich.

Oh and did I say "thanks" Seakitty?

Thanks!!!!

It's funny what an important role your comments play.

For the Cutie (Because otherwise I wouldn't care)

I did the dishes, 6 loads of laundry, took the trash out, washed the dog after The Cutie scared her and she peed on herself (again), cleaned her crate, and a little straightening. Every step was a struggle but I did it for the Cutie. He's been taciturn and introverted all day. I think he's in allot of pain. He snapped at me on his way out the door to the chiropractor leaving me feeling fully deflated and hurt all of these hours later.

Life can be so hard. (I know, my life is easy compared to most.)

But I just don't know if I have the consitution for it. Every thing seems to hurt. So, fucking, deeply.

I can't help but wonder if its worth it.

Do I take the temporary job?

Some Pros and Cons:

- I'm angry & humiliated: I was introduced as his new "Executive Assistant" for the last few months: then suddenly I show up in another department?! AND have to APPLY for the new position?!

+ I need a job

+ It will pay the same amount (which is a rate I'm happy with)

- But only in the "TRANSITIONAL" period anyway - so what the fuck is that?

- I'd feel like I was giving in. Losing face. My dignity.

+ Who cares - its just a friggin job. Do I really think anyone really notices where me - let alone cares?

+Besides, its irrelevant what "people" think and realistically should have no bearing on this decision

- This position holds zero appeal to me. Independently I would have NEVER applied for it as it sounds dull, tedious, boring and stressful. Also, the department is an absolute disaster: understaffed and poorly run. I'd be dealing with livid students/parents/alum on a daily basis who have good reasons to be frustrated.

- Why go to all of the stress and frustration of learning a whole new job that a) I don't want and b) I may ultimately still not get?!?!?!

+I can accept it while looking for something else

-Send a message that you can't treat people like this by rejecting the new quasi "offer." If you accept the position, you assuage their sense of guilt (if any) and placate their rationalizing that they "did their part"

+Do they really give a shit either way? Very likely not.

- Could I sue them for real? Would accepting this "offer" lessen the credibility of such a case?

+ I doubt I could win such a thing and most especially lack the resources.


Help! What would you do? I need your suggestions.

I called the H.R. Director

and said basically all of the things we discussed, and although he didn't necessarily address my concerns: (that an agreement was violated, that I left a job for that agreement, that it has been a financial hardship to work only 2 days a week during this now unhonored "transitional phase") he nonetheless was nice and seemed genuinely sympathetic. He said that The President & his assistant ( my coworker who raved about me daily and referred to me
as "perfect" and herself as my biggest advocate) "had only good things to say" about me and just decided to hire someone else because they had more extensive experience in the same sort of position. He added that it was his idea to offer this other position because "once you find a good person you want to keep them" and that it will pay exactly the same amount in the
"transition" and he will find out (by my request) how much it will pay after. He suggested I at least try it out before deciding. Maybe it would end up a better position; "Assistant Director of Student Accounts" I don't know what I should do really, but I do feel very relieved that I've at least spoken up a bit. I said clearly that I was upset about the situation and uncomfortable
with how it happened. He said he appreciated my candor which may have been a line, but did sound pretty convincingly sincere which was nice. He also made a point to remind me that he was new and that most of this took place before he began at the college. Before calling I was shaking so bad and so nervous that I had to write myself notes about what I wanted to say, because I though I might blank out. So, calling was in some small way an accomplishment.
I'm supposed to call him tomorrow and tell him my decision. Now if I could only sue them and get a GIANT SETTLEMENT and most especially an apology I'd be GREAT!

hahaha

When I stand I swoon

and am inexplicably dizzy. Like being drunk without the alcohol. Yesterday I felt a rushing presence in my ears all day. I think I'm making this shit up because I have nothing better to do. Our kitchen is overflowing with garbage and cans and there's a pile of laundry as high as I am in the halkwat. I feel guilty for not doing cleaning up and yet I feel too much like shit to do it. I don't want The Cutie to be mad at me. In fact, he may be my biggest concern in regard to getting rejected by The President. I'm so scared that he may begin to believe I'm as worthless as I worry that I am. Afterall, the only me he knows is the crazy picture painted by blogging and then the barely employed cry-baby that I've been since having moved to New York. I want to be someone better. Someone he'll be proud of. I want to be the kickass wonder that I know I should.

Tired

but still laughing.

Trying to hold onto the person I thought I'd be.

Fearful of giving in.

Not quite so devestated now.  Hopefully tomorrow I'll be even better!  But where do I start again now?  More want ads?  Another clerical bullshit job?  I wish I had a better plan.

I would like not to "dwell"

but don't think that's realistically going to happen.  It takes just thinking of it and I start crying.  What did I do wrong?  I didn't do anything wrong!  Obviously he just didn't like my personality enough to keep me around.  But what was he basing the judgment on?  He never spoke more than a few words to me - rushing around stressed and angry and blustery.  It's not fair.  I deserved to stay there.  I worked so hard.  I did such a good job.  I did a GREAT job.  His Assistant (my coworker) LOVED me, she said she told him and the HR director, that i was "perfect" and an asset to the school.  So then...... what happened?   Did she betray me?

I'm



so





hurt.



We're going to a doggie meetup in a few minutes.  I don't want to anything.  I don't want to feel.  At least I haven't been using food to drown out the feelings.  For that I am feeling proud of myself.  I will get though this.  I think.  I want to turn it into something positive.    I'LL SHOW THEM!!  

I'm going to show them!!!  I'll come back and visit in my wildly sucessful new person, devastingly drop-dead gorgeous, glowing with joy, radiating confidance and driving a bad-ass  corvette.

Effers.

Its still sinking in

I didn't get my own job.

They took it away and gave it to someone else. Words can not begin to describe the frustration.

The anger.

The embarrassment.

The hurt.

The bewilderment.

I don't understand and there was no hint of an explanation offered. "We'd hate to lose such a talented and wonderful person," so a conciliatory position in the dysfunctional Bursar's office was offered. Oh and p.s. - its a temporary position but [cough, cough] you're invited to apply! How nice! How very considerate. After sticking it out for 5 months, leaving another to accept their offer, and putting all my hopes and efforts into it (working through lunches, staying late, volunteering, constantly going above and beyond.)

Thanks.

Thanks alot.

Now what.

Now what do I do? I needed that job. I wanted it too. How can they do this? How can they give it to me and then take it away? And with no explanation? Not even an apology. I don't understand. I don't understand it. What am I going to do.

Surreal Event

I had a terrible scare in the middle of last night. I thought for sure The Cutie was going into diabetic shock and was hallucinating when, at 3:30am, he suddenly jumped out of bed, stood straight up and began doing a cheer while moving his arms to his sides yelling out "READY??? OHHH KAYYYY!!!! I tried to talk to him but he wasn't making sense so I grabbed his testing kit (for his blood sugar) and wanted to just poke his finger and try to test him but I was so tired and so scared that I was shaking so bad I could barely hold it. When I came close to him - he wouldn't let me do it so then i was wondering if I might have to call 911 and have an ambulance come take him by force. I stuck a sugar tablet under his tongue and he smiled and chewed it while he was lying down, still mumbling incoherently. Then I stared at him for the next 4o minutes hoping he might "come too." Then I rustled him and he angrily told me to TURN OFF THE LIGHT ITS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT that HE WAS FINE!!!!! And so I became scared that I was bothering him and then debated if it was really safe to back off or not. (Was he in his right mind?) It seemed he was since he mentioned that his new medication gives him night terrors - so I assumed if he was able to remember all of that - that he must be ok enough to know whether or not his sugar was low. I left in the morning for work (I only have 2 days a week) still a little unsure and then as soon as I got to work absolutely PANICKED as I imagined him going into shock while i was gone. It would be all my fault! Why didn't I try to talk to him before I left? What was I thinking. I did actually leave the door unlocked purposely just in case I had to call an ambulance from work to come get him. But once I left (still groggy i guess from the sleepless night) THEN it hit me - how will I know how he is if i'm not there? Then I struggled and beat myself up about whether or not I should call - (Will he be mad if I wake him up? Will he think i'm making a big deal out of nothing? Will he resent my interference? Shouldn't i error on the side of caution when it's his life at stake? If he was going into shock, wouldn't it have already manifested hours and hours ago when i first suspected? could he have made direct eye contact with me before i left? Should i care if he's mad - the most important thing is his safety - anger will subside......)

Turns out, it seems he was sleep walking!

He said he used to sleep walk all the time as a kid! I told him -GEEZ - nice of you to tell me! I've never in my life witnessed a sleepwalker - and I must say - it was absolutely SPOOKY and horrible and unsettling. Maybe it was something about it being the dead of the night, the darkness, the eerie silence - he just seemed ... POSSESSED. I mean, there was my Cutie, but it wasn't The Cutie's mind. And I was alone with my important (seemingly) life and death decisions about the one person who means more to me then anyone on earth.

I'd say of the scariest things I've been through....

I've been a nervous wreck anyway the last couple weeks - this just ices the cake.

 You must speak to be heard. Silence assumes assent.

Is this a New York Thing?

The President hates people who "talk to slowly" and mocks them "Hurry it up!  Get it the point!  I asked 'how you are' but  I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO HEAR IT."  ...And he laughs at his own terrible cleverness.....

 

 

Message To Self:

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

10 Questions to Get You Moving

Very nice, I think.... Will have to try to remember this list....

 

10 Questions to Get You Moving
by Michele Caron

So many times we just feel stuck.  We have a task or situation
in our life, where we know something needs to be done, but we
just can't bring ourselves to take any action.

One of the most important things you can do in such situations
is…Anything!  Just getting moving can be the most important
thing.  It's just like the concept of inertia in physics.
Sometimes a lot of energy is required to start something moving,
but then once it is moving, it has momentum, and can carry on
without that much energy.

So, here are some questions you can pose to yourself that may
get you moving.  Not all of these will apply to all situations,
but I challenge you to use at least one of these on yourself in
an area where you feel stuck!

1.  What could be done such that I would never have to deal with
   this problem again?

2.  What are three ridiculously simple things I could do to make
   progress in this area?

3.  What if I didn't care one way or the other how this turns out,
   but just got it done because I already decided to, and then I
   wouldn't have to worry about it anymore?

4.  What if I just did it for *five* minutes, and if I don't like
   it, I can stop?

5.  How wonderful will it feel to have this finished?  What are
   the benefits for me?

6.  How can I break this down into smaller chunks?

7.  What is the nicest thing I can do for myself here?  Which is
   truly the better investment in myself and my future? Delay?
   Or get it done so I can really enjoy myself and reap the
   benefits?

8.  How much energy could I free up by getting this off my To Do
   list?

9.  What kind of person do I really want to be?  Will taking
   action on this bring me closer to that?  Then what am I
   waiting for???

10. What action could I take that would be a revolutionary
   advancement for me…Something that I or no one else would
   ever have guessed that I could do?

I hope that you try asking yourself some of these things
anywhere that you need to make some progress!

Copyright © Michele Caron, 2006

It just started snowing and

it's really coming down! 

 

I'm at my (temporary) work and as usual, have nothing to do since I'm only (now) a temp even though I was initially permanent before they changed their minds and decided suddenly that they needed to post the position promised to me 5+ months ago and that I quit another job for (that i hated.)  Regardless of that, I'd still only be here 2 days a week since I'm "job-sharing" with the woman who hasn't yet retired who I (was supposed) to replace after 3-5 months of transition time.  She's here Mon - Wed.  I'm here Thur, Friday ; Translation: not really at all.  (Her desk, her files, her stapler/pencil holder placement/calendar/etc.    Can the transience be any more impermanent?  If only I was buddhist....

 

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My head hurts and I feel bitchy. I have to go to work tomorrow and just feel disgusted. Tried to play my video game with The Cutie on-line and burst into tears after dying 4 times consecutively. In my mind kept thinking - can't I do anything right?!

Geez.

Even my posts have been lame. I'm not expressing myself the way I want to. I'm not telling my story. I'm not communicating what I want to say. The thoughts, the feelings. Maybe I am a nothing.

Wanna Hear Something Weird?

My lower lip is numb (on one side.)  Why, you ask?  I have no idea!  It was like that when I woke up!  It feels funny.

I haven't even looked at want-ads in over 3 days.

At all.

I think i've just maxed out maybe... Its just so sickening... Exhausting..... And disheartening... I've been looking for soooo so long.

No Enemies

Toward the end of the service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" About 80% held up their hands. The minister then repeated the question and all responded by raising their hands except onel small, elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?", the minister asked. "I don't have any", she replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is indeed unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight" she replied. "Mrs. Jones, would you come down front and tell the congregation how a person can live for ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The little lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, smiled sweetly and said, "I outlived the sons of bitches!"

Compelling Reasons to "Just Say No"

Did anyone happen to catch Whitney Houston's sad performance at the Olympics? I wish I could find a clip for you to hear. Or maybe if I had a heart, I wouldn't further her shame. As Wendy Williams so eloquently put it the other day on the radio,

"Wow."

What a waste.

Feeling peaceful

Even though my head hurts, it doesn't matter because I'm simply glad to not be at work. Did I tell you I've begun noticing I have WHITE HAIRS? Maybe the unstable, stressed state of mind is beginning to catch up with me. Poo.

This morning I'm drinking coffee and constructing emails, files and invitations to maintain my yahoo group. I created it a few years ago but have been more and more active which has led to a current membership of 170 afficiandos and some lively recent discussions! Being a conduit of communication is highly satisfying. It may seem lame-o, but at least its something for this otherwise pretty mundane life of mine...

Also went back to WOW this week with The Cutie, which serves me surprisingly well by turning my attention from eating and malaise. Sure it may be an escape, but then, what isn't? At least it's not inherently destructive. And on the plus side, its interative, engages the imagination and involves thinking!!!

Wanna play too? We can be on the same team together!

We also watched a couple programs taped on TIVO: The Dog Whisperer and Family Guy - two of our favorite shows.

Me.

Are You the Invisible Employee?

By Jo Miller, Women's Leadership Coach

Nicole Moretti* had been an accounting manager for eight years. Nicole was consistently praised by her superiors for her expertise, work ethic and the high quality of her work. Nonetheless, these qualities were not enough to get this manager the respect she deserved.

In meetings, senior executives directed their questions to less experienced employees. She had heard more than once that she was considered to be more junior than the other managers at her level.  She realized she had a credibility problem. She felt that her colleagues and superiors did not take her seriously. In her own words, she was "invisible."

Moretti realized that although she was performing at the level of a senior manger, she was not projecting a solid presence as a seasoned, mature leader. To overcome this obstacle, Moretti set a goal of strengthening her reputation as a credible, authoritative manager and embarked on a step-by-step approach to reinventing herself and polishing up her image.

Enlist an Observer
First, she recruited the help of a trusted mentor and coach. In confidential meetings, the mentor observed Moretti's body language and communication style, and noticed certain patterns that undermined her authority. Moretti asked her mentor not to hold back and to give specific, forthright feedback.

Facets of Presence
Moretti and her coach determined what qualities defined a positive corporate presence:

·  Body language -- No matter how knowledgeable you are, if your posture doesn't reflect confidence, you will not command respect.

·  Vocal tone and pace -- Maintain an even tone of voice, with a low pitch and resist the temptation to speak faster when feeling flustered.

·  Grammar and language -- Be concise and economical with words. Using filler words like 'I mean', 'you know' and 'I think' will weaken your authority.

·  Professional attire -- Wear business suits and dresses that reflect your corporate style and good taste.

·  Appropriate use of laughter and humor -- Avoid the habit of giggling when nervous or uncomfortable. A person who constantly smiles and laughs unnecessarily is less likely to be trusted in serious situations.

Identify Habits That Undermine
During the following week, the coach observed Moretti and evaluated how she stacked up in each of these categories. Moretti was surprised to discover that she had fallen into some bad habits that made her look and sound far younger than her years.

Moretti realized that her stance was often too casual, and instead of confidence, she often conveyed nervousness. Under stress, Moretti's voice rose in pitch and she talked faster than usual, showing that she was flustered. Even when she knew what she was talking about, Moretti gave the impression that she was unsure of her facts. She would often giggle after making a statement, and she had a bad habit of saying she was sorry, even when she was not at fault. She wore outfits that were fashionable and cute, whereas her male associates dressed in the more conservative dress of corporate America. Through all these actions, she had trained people to see her as the junior team member. 

Reinvent Your Leadership Presence
Moretti challenged herself to make subtle changes. With the help of her coach, she learned how to correct her bad habits and to dress more appropriately. Within one month she was visibly emitting a more confident, mature presence and gaining the respect she deserved. Moretti succeeded in acquiring the behaviors that underscore her authority without giving up her natural style and persona. She learned to express herself as the accomplished businesswoman that she is.

Changing verbal and nonverbal habits is not always easy, but refining your leadership presence will win respect and credibility, and will fast-track your career.

*Not her real name.


Jo Miller is the Women's Leadership Coach. Visit www.jomiller.net to find out more about Jo's leadership coaching programs. Ask about a complimentary leadership coaching session!