Letter to Tammi

Hey Indigo, Glad you like the Dog Whisperer .... isn't he just amazing?

Yes! Very! And cute too! ;0)

I tried many of his techniques but can never stick to any one of them. Scruffy is still a little monster. I have a DVR so I record all of his episodes too! Btw, how is your little puppy?

Really great! I love her to pieces! She has such a great, calm temperament and brings so much joy to our lives. She hardly ever barks at all and is learning tricks. The only problem has been mostly The Cutie's fault to be honest. A few time he's been too harsh with her (which has been very scary for me) and she'll pee/poop on him. (But kinda serves him right, right?) We're trying to work through it and they're trying to develop a more trusting relationship again. (And with me!) Although its usually ok, things aren't perfect with him. He can be quick tempered, I think largely due to his physical pain &; exhaustion. A couple weeks ok we had a bad "argument" but I hate to even say argument because it wasn't two-sided. He just kinda lost it. I actually felt sort-of embarrassed for him and scared for myself and the puppy. He actually apologized the next day which he NEVER does. I really appreciated that he humbled himself like that. ...And whenever this sort of thing happens (when he goes from zero to 60 in 10 seconds) he will inevitable kick me out ("get the fuck out" etc) - reaffirming how this space is ultimately really not my home - and I can be booted at any moment if he so chooses. But when he did that I calmly refused. And even chuckled. It was so ridiculous. I wasn't buying it this time. No way I'm going to let him do that to me anymore. Besides again, where am I going to go? No, I have not made any friends or met hardly anyone at all with the exception of a few casual acquaintances at work. No one I could really call let alone stay with if something happened. Not only that but I have to money! Not even enough for a hotel. Like that one time I called you beside myself, I was so scared! Oh, and I wouldn't even be able to call anyway because my cell phone was cut off for non-payment! Ugh.

I went to my first AutoCAD class last night and it wasn't what I expected - or maybe it was exactly what I expected (but wasn't willing to admit). Everyone else in the class works at some engineering firm and have the program to play around with already. I found out that the full version costs $4,000.

There's got to be a way to find a pirated version. Maybe even someone in the class or the instructor could help you get one. I'm thinking about a guy I knew in Hawaii - I think he may have one. I might be able to ask him..... What's the name of the program you're using?

I kept trying to use the program like Photoshop - which I know so well. I realized that I'm more used to thinking "outside of the box." AutoCAD is just the opposite - you gotta think "inside the box."

Really? What do you mean?  I hate inside the box!

I was so disappointed in myself.

What!? Why???!! It's not your fault for goodness sakes! I'm proud of you for trying something new! So it may not be a perfect fit right off the bat but at least you're giving it a shot! That's something to be proud of! And I bet you know much more today about Autocad than you did last month, right? And also, I bet you know much more than most people you know. I know you know more that I know!

I was lost at least 90% of the time. I even cried when I came home!

That sounds really really frustrating. But again, it really doesn't sound like your fault. I think anyone in that situation would have felt overwhelmed.

The instructor told me that it would be very difficult to learn the program without having some kind of background in drafting. The course description never mentioned any kind of pre-requisite.

!!!!!!!!How IRRITATING!!!!! Did he give you any suggestions or help at all?

I'm probably going to drop out and get a partial refund.

Good! I would hope so!! Are there any other classes you could take that you would like? Were are you taking the classes? Did you have an interest in Autocad before Thomas suggested it? How enthused were you?

I bet Thomas is really disappointed in me since he was thinking that this would change my life. I was already apprehensive before the class started since I know absolutely nothing about drafting. He wants me to keep trying but I really don't think it's for me.

That's the key, I think. You have to do what's right for you. He may have good intentions, but that doesn't mean you have to twist yourself into an entire career that was more his design than your own. If he wants to be truly supportive, he should honor your path as you desire it, not how he wants it. I don't think there's anything wrong with a "thanks but no thanks thomas." You're under no obligation to him - even if he payed for it!

It was so humiliating. Talk about killing my already super low self-esteem. I want to continue just to make him happy

why?

but it makes me feel even more like a failure.

ahhh... i'm sending you an on-line mental hug. You're not a failure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I do know exactly how that feels. I've been feeling alot like that lately too.

I guess it's a good thing you got laid off at the doctor's office. You don't need to be in such a bad environment.

Yes that's what I've been thinking too.... Even though it's scary financially, that place was super bad for my self- esteem too! It was just so negative and nasty. And frustrating! And petty! 

I'm glad you have the job at the college ..

Me too!!

.. are you still planning to work there full-time eventually?

Yes in a month or two I'm supposed to be there 3 days a week . One of those days I'll overlap with the current lady in the position . And then in 5 months when she retires I'm supposed to take her place.

I really give you credit Indigo, you go out there and keep trying.

Um. Thanks but I don't really feel I deserve that credit. I'm just doing what I have to really. I 'd like to be doing much more . I feel like I'm more attempting subsistence, not flourishing.

Me? I'm afraid to even look for anything.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!! Me too! It's scary! But, hopefully in the end will be worth it. I'm so tired of being poor. And bored. And feeling bad about myself.

Heck, I never even updated my resume since 1995!

Really? Do you want to update it? Do you want to work on it together?

I feel like I'm just waiting for something to happen.

Like what?

You must be meeting a lot of different people?

Not at all. It's so hard for me. Even in Hawaii it was so hard.

Have you had a chance to make some good friends? What about your dancing? Can you continue in New York?

Oh I forgot to tell you! I started a class 2 weeks ago. It's only once a week and its in the city which means I have to take a 45 minute subway ride into town at night which I worried me at first - but its been ok... I'm not sure if I like the class yet as I am out of shape and its a slightly different style. (The style I learned is a little softer and I think prettier.) I sometimes wonder if I should just give it up. But then if I give it up I give up that dream. Am I prepared to do that? Or am I just deluding myself? I haven't decided yet. I don't know. But meanwhile I'm giving it (one last) shot?

I'm taking the classes at a dance studio called l but its with the T. I haven't told my teacher yet, but I feel I should. I'm afraid she'll be miffed or use it against me if/when I learn from her again.

How are you doing with the eating?

Um. Not great lately actually. I've been doing allot of anxious/stressed/frustrated/bored eating lately and have gained some weight. I'm getting so scared!

It's such a scary subject for me to bring up. I got really big while delivering the paper. My arms and legs are huge.

Are they really truly? Or do they just feel that way.

It made it even more difficult to go outside and see people - I am so ashamed.

I understand that feeling completely. Just today when The Cutie said his best friend was coming over (he comes over pretty frequently to play video games) and I was jokingly pouting, he asked me what was wrong and I blurted out, "I'M FAT AND UGLY" .... Yes sort of jokingly, but actually not really. I hate going out and being around people and being seen when I'm so huge and bloated and feeling so yucky!

It's weird that as soon as I quit the paper, I lost my appetite.

Did you? Why do you think that is?

Guess it would be good to be in therapy to discuss that, huh?

Yeah, I've been thinking about how much I'd like to/need to be in therapy right now. I could really use the support more than ever.

Indigo, I was thinking that maybe you are suffering from Anorexia? I didn't want to say it but I've been thinking it. You lost so much weight so quickly ... If I'm out of line I apologize ...

Not at all!!! I don't mind you saying that at all.

it's just something that's been on my mind and I've been concerned.

Thanks so much for your concern, I really appreciate it - but honestly I don't think it's really been the case. It may seem like a quick weight loss, but actually it was pretty slow when you think about it. It was about 50 pounds but over an entire year. That's about a pound a week and I ate pretty consistently throughout.

I've gained a lot of weight since the days of our EA group ... it's like the same old thing - I start eating again, my weight goes up ... something traumatic (or not even so traumatic) happens and I stop eating again. I don't think I've really changed at all.

Really? Not at all. Maybe you (like me) could just use a little more support. I think people are meant to have stronger support systems - networks than we seem to have. I bet that would make a big difference if we had that in place. Don't you think? Sometimes even though with the cutie I still feel so lonely.

Oh, I have to tell you a really neat story. Did I tell you that my dog found a $20 bill last month? She went up to smell it and that's how I saw it. I decided to tuck it away for Vegas. I'm not much of a gambler so I played a lot of nickel slots just to kill time. T gave me money to play and I tried to make it last. The money went up and down (kinda like my weight - hehehe) and I totally quit gambling at all by the last day. At that point, I was down around $150. So anyway ... a few hours before we were supposed to leave I remembered the dog's $20 bill. I put it in a slot machine but it kept getting rejected so I moved to another machine. After a few spins, I hit $230! I was so happy. It's funny b/c $230 is probably not much to all those gamblers but it was such a big deal to me. I was all smiles - especially since it was the dog's money. I went to the gift shop and bought the dogs little toys. It was so cool.

Wow! That IS a great story. And my the cutest part is how you bought them little toys at then end! he he!

As for the Vegas trip? I hated it. Thomas pretty much left me alone while he played black jack. He would play for hours and hours while I just sat around. Plus, I got sick on the first day there. I felt like I was trying to kill time during the whole trip. I walked around the shops but couldn't really buy anything so I would go back to the room and watch tv (and they only had three channels!) I walked around and around the casinos but was too afraid to venture out to the other casinos. I wanted Thomas to have a good time so I just tried to keep myself busy. Everything was so awful. I brought two pairs of jeans with me and on the second day, I sat on gum on a bus. I was so very, very happy to be home with my girls. I missed them so much - too much.

Well, I don't know where I'm going from here since the AutoCAD thing isn't gonna work out.

let's brainstorm! maybe we can come up with something together....... what would you like to do????

Hope to hear from you soon. Love,