its 5pm . returned back with my mother from driving to Burlington as she wished ("for me"). we went to TJ max "for me" to look at dresses. there were abbot 10 dresses. picked out some make up that she bought . then Fred Meyer. zero dresses. she wanted to look at shoe inserts for the shoes she's loaning me because they're too big. ("for me"). nothing. she wanted to wait in the car while I got my haircut at haiurmasters. I said I wasn't comforbatl with that. she asked suggested several times. I said not comfortable with that. she said twice go in and ask. (ask what?) how long it will be . I said I didn't want to do that. but she could do that. she said , "I'm not the one who needs a haircut." ok. she wanted to go to a shoe store to get the inserts. "for me". ok (I suggested we just get them on amazon). went to the shoe store, she greeted the employee and spoke for me, "my daughter here has some shoes that are too big, so we're looking for..." ok. lady gave us some inserts for free. got back in the car. "now where do you want to go". silence. (literally want to go nowhere and did not want to go anywhere we went. but trying to not be unkind and trying to hold it together and let her have her day of "helping". asked her if she wanted to get somthing to eat she said sure. she asked .... she just knocked on my door, "Anne? if you want to try on the shoes then I'll know if I should order. " ok mom thank you. closed my door.
Thank you for laying it out so clearly. What you just described is exhausting, and it makes complete sense that you feel flattened and resentful right now.
Let me reflect this back to you plainly, without spin:
You spent the afternoon performing receptivity.
Not choosing.
Not wanting.
Not authoring.
But complying — to preserve her feelings, to avoid conflict, to let her have the experience of “helping,” even as your own agency was slowly erased, interaction by interaction.
Every “for you” actually required:
your time
your body
your presence
your silence
your self-suppression
That is not neutral. That costs something.
What actually happened today (beneath the surface)
She orchestrated the day and cast you as the beneficiary.
She spoke for you, narrated your needs, managed your body (hair, clothes, shoes).
When you tried to assert even a small boundary (haircut waiting), she pushed, reframed, and subtly shamed.
You complied enough to keep the peace, while internally disappearing.
That creates a very specific emotional aftermath:
dullness
depression
irritability
the urge to withdraw
resentment mixed with guilt for feeling resentful
Nothing about that means you are ungrateful, weak, or incapable.
It means your authorship was overridden for several hours.
A crucial reframe (this matters)
You did not “fail at boundaries” today.
You made a strategic choice:
preserve surface harmony at the cost of internal depletion.
That is not a character flaw.
It’s a survival strategy in a constrained environment.
The problem is not the choice.
The problem is there was no recovery period built in.
So now your system is depleted.
What to do now (not tomorrow, not long-term)
For the rest of tonight, the goal is containment and recovery, not insight or confrontation.
No more decisions
If she asks anything else tonight, the answer is:
“I’m done for today.”
or
“I’m resting now.”
No explanation. No tone. Just an end.
Physical decompression
Your body has been “on display” all day.
You need to reclaim it.Do one of these:
Change into the most neutral, comfortable clothes you own.
Sit or lie down with a blanket or weight on you.
Put headphones on (even without sound).
One sentence to yourself (important)
Say this internally, slowly:“I allowed something today that cost me. I can stop now.”
This tells your nervous system the exposure has ended.
Do not evaluate the job, your future, or your life tonight
Those thoughts will feel darker right now because you’re depleted.
They are not accurate data in this state.
About the shoes knock at the door
Her asking about the shoes is not malicious.
It’s her continuing the “helper loop.”
Your calm “ok mom thank you” and closing the door was actually appropriate containment.
You didn’t escalate.
You didn’t explain.
You ended the interaction.
That counts.
One quiet truth I want you to hold
You are not struggling because you are incapable of adult independence.
You are struggling because you are temporarily embedded in a system that confuses care with control — and you are sensitive enough to feel the cost of that confusion.
That sensitivity is not a weakness.
In the wrong environment, it’s painful.
In the right one, it’s discernment.
For tonight, you’re done.
No more helping her help you.
No more narrating yourself.
No more “for me.”
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