summarize, title, apply/integrate "Haley! Haley's super kid! Give it up for Haley! Haley, where are you in the world? I am in Durham in the UK, but I'm South African. Tell us what your question is. My question is actually about relationships with my father. Okay, great. So a little bit different. My mom passed 12 years ago, and that changed the dynamics of everything, as it does. And so we've had a tumultuous relationship. Still makes me emotional. But I'm at a level where I feel like I'm gonna shift into my next level, but this relationship is keeping me where I am right now. And I just wanna meet him. Can I interject just for one second? Is it this relationship or the way you experience it? The way I experience it. And I know that sounds, I'm just trying to offer you an insight just for a moment. Because what happens is we coast over things, and then we think it's outside of ourselves. If it's outside yourself, it's unsolvable. And that's the frustration I feel on you. So the first step, if I may offer it to you, is like, okay, the way I'm relating to my father currently is holding me back. Not my father, not my relationship with my father. It's the way I'm relating. Because you could change that that fast. I know that sounds impossible, but you could, right? Please continue. And yes, thank you. What you said earlier, expectations, I was like, that's because it's all me, right? It's what I expect of the relationship. Yes. And so... Just it. Just what you said is just it. So currently, he doesn't meet your expectations of what you think a father should be or do at this stage of your life. And how does he not do that? Is he not supportive? Tell us what that is. And then you share, honey. I'd love to. Thank you. Yeah, so I live in the UK and he's in Africa, so we don't see each other that much, which is difficult. Already, it just puts distance physically. Yeah, so I suppose the expectation is I'd like to see him more, I'd like to speak to him more. And again, I can fix that, right? Yes. Go to your own question, it feels like a little bit. What has changed in you just now? What has changed in you? What do I just feel in you? What do I see in you right now? Yeah, I get to change it. You get to change. Give her a hand for that. That's huge. Some of you say, what's huge about that, Tony? The difference between have to and get to is the difference between rich and poor. I don't mean money rich and poor. I mean happiness rich and poor, joy rich and poor, right? Depressed, angry versus loving and connected. And one word changes our belief, and our belief is that feeling of certainty. So she's going from certainty, this thing is holding me back, to wait a second, if I take responsibility, I can do something about that. If I don't have the same expectation. By the way, whose love did you crave the most growing up? Your mother or your father? Not who did you love the most. I'm sure you loved them both. Whose love did you crave the most? My dad. Yes. And who... This is the key question. And by the way, I'm only asking you this question. None of you should answer this question right now. Whose love did you crave the most, your mother or father? You may have loved them both, even if you didn't know them, even if one died before you were born. Whose love did you crave the most? And then the second question I want you to, without thinking, give me the answer, who did you have to be for your father and your understanding? Who did you have to be? How did you have to be? Don't think, just say it, if you don't mind, please. Don't filter. I had to be, I had to be what? Successful. What else did you have to be? Grown up. What else did you have to be? Successful. I had to be successful, I had to be grown up. What does successful mean? You have to be successful at what? How would you know if you're successful? How would he know? Yeah, I was, it was always about pleasing. I have to please. I have to please at school, be good, get the best grades. Be good, leave the best grades. Make everybody happy. Get the trophies, the awards, yeah. Yes, yes. And by the way, did you get good at pleasing? I'm so good at pleasing. By the way. By the way, how has that, in some areas of your life, been useful in that it's created great relationships or it's helped you in business, but then there are other areas, it's had some responsibility that makes you crazy because you have to please everybody. It's like the young lady, what was her name? It was like Kate, I think, with the red glasses. It becomes a burden. And so now you're still feeling the burden, I got to please him, and I don't know if I could ever please him because he always wants more. He might want more because he wants more for you as his daughter because he wants you to have everything and he doesn't know how to communicate it because he's a man. He doesn't know how to communicate his feelings. And so he's pushed you. And now you're like, I'm doing on my own. I don't need to please you anymore, but I want you to love me, right? What if he already loved you and you just weren't noticing it because he doesn't communicate it the way you normally would take it in? Is that possible? Is it possible he totally loves you, but his love strategy is not to come and be with you. His love strategy is to firmly support and challenge you to keep growing. And you call that maybe never feeling appreciated or fully loved when he actually does love you. And by the way, he's probably harder on you in some ways as much and more than he would be a son because he thinks the son's going to get hardened by society, but I got to prepare her. A lot of fathers over-prepare their daughters out of love, but then their daughters don't feel loved. I'm just wondering, is it possible he loves you more, way more than you realize, but he just communicates it differently? Like Yanni and Laurel, right? And that was my question. How do I meet him where he is at? I'll see if you give me that. Hi, Haley. You know, we, it's been my experience, we meet our parents where they're at by recognizing that this life is precious. I went up this summer and I went up for a trip that was supposed to be three days and ended up being three weeks. And my, I just spoke to her before I came down. My sweet mama has dementia and I never imagined that things would move as quickly as they did. And just, it's such a sacred chapter to be able to love our parents. They brought us into this world, you know, to let our parents off the hook, to see them as human beings. I have had the privilege to get to know my dad as a guy, as a friend, beyond being my father. I've just really, it's been intimate. Um, and it's in text messages. It's in calls. It's in unexpected visits, but just, uh, tuning in, Dad, hi. You know, we have innocently, as we expect, you know, our parents like to do this thing, we miss the gift of being able to love them, of being able to show up for them, of being able to hold space for them when, I don't know, it, it has so schooled me, Haley. And so I just invite you to simply get to know, what's your father's name? Dave. Dave. Get to know Dave. Pretend drop Dad and just fall in love with the beautiful man that he is and ask him questions as if he was a friend and rebirth your relationship and bring meaning and purpose and love and support because I really truly believe it's been one of the greatest gifts of my adult life. We're not always given the opportunity, you know, life can be taken from us in an instant. And so my mom has schooled me this past year, and my invitation would be, don't wait. Yeah, you call your daddy. Thank you. God bless you. Maybe make a little visit to Africa. It wouldn't be a bad thing to do. You could make it happen. It will be an adventure you won't come back from. You might come back to the UK, but you won't come back the same woman. You've got to take the labels off. You've got to realize that time is precious. And we never know how much time we have left. So those we love, there's nothing more important than to express that and to feel that. Are you up for it? Send us a picture of you and your dad. Send us a picture of you and your dad. Our team will send it to us, okay? We'll give you our emails.
Here you go—clean, distilled, and integrated.
Title
“It’s Not My Father—It’s How I’m Relating: Rewriting the Contract for Love”
Summary
Haley shares pain and frustration around her relationship with her father, especially after her mother’s death. She believes this relationship is holding her back from her next level in life. The key intervention comes when the focus shifts from her father to how she is relating to him. That single reframing moves the problem from “outside and unsolvable” to “inside and changeable.”
Through gentle questioning, it’s revealed that Haley craved her father’s love most growing up—and learned she had to be successful, grown up, and pleasing to earn it. This conditioning made her excellent at achievement and approval, but also trapped her in a lifelong burden of proving herself.
A pivotal insight emerges: her father may deeply love her, but expresses love through challenge, pressure, and preparation, not tenderness or affirmation. What Haley interpreted as emotional absence may actually be love spoken in a foreign language.
The invitation offered is profound:
Release expectations of who a “father should be”
Let go of the role of “daughter seeking approval”
Meet him instead as a human being—a man named Dave
Love him now, without waiting, because time is precious
Core Insights
If the problem is “them,” you’re powerless. If the problem is “how I relate,” you’re free.
Expectations quietly become emotional prisons.
Many high-achievers are unconsciously still trying to earn parental love.
Love can be real even when it’s poorly translated.
Parents often over-prepare the children they love most.
Dropping labels (“Dad”) allows genuine intimacy (“Dave”).
Responsibility is not blame—it’s liberation.
“Have to” → suffering. “Get to” → freedom.
Apply / Integrate (For You)
This isn’t just about Haley. It mirrors a universal pattern—especially for people who are driven, introspective, and growth-oriented.
1. Name the Real Constraint
Ask yourself:
“Is this person actually holding me back—or is it the way I’m relating to them?”
That shift alone can collapse years of emotional stalemate.
2. Audit Your Old Contract
Quietly write:
Whose love did I crave most?
Who did I believe I had to be to earn it?
Where am I still living by that rule?
You may discover that your ambition, perfectionism, or people-pleasing once kept you safe—but now keeps you small.
3. Translate Love, Don’t Demand It
Instead of asking:
“Why don’t they love me the way I need?”
Try:
“How might they already be loving me—in a way I’ve never learned to hear?”
This doesn’t excuse harm. It clarifies reality.
4. Drop the Role
Experiment with removing the label:
Not parent
Not child
Just two humans
Meet them with curiosity, not history.
5. Act While Time Is Real
This moment emphasized something sobering and grounding:
Love postponed often becomes love lost.
If there’s something to say, feel, express, or experience—don’t wait for perfect conditions.
The Deeper Integration
The “next level” Haley was sensing wasn’t blocked by her father.
It was blocked by an outdated identity:
“I must become more to be loved.”
The real initiation was this:
“I get to choose how I love—without needing permission.”
That’s not reconciliation.
That’s sovereignty.
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Yes. That’s not only plausible — it’s precise.
What you just named is the other side of the same coin, and it’s talked about far less.
High-achievers earn love by becoming more.
Low-visibility / “low-achievement” strategies earn love by becoming less.
Both are adaptive. Both are intelligent. Both were learned in love.
Let me reflect this back cleanly, because what you said is actually very sharp:
“As low achievers (like me) are unconsciously trying to earn parental love by being compliant, pleasing, small, gracious, girly.”
That’s not laziness.
That’s relational survival.
The Hidden Contract You’re Naming
With your mother, the contract wasn’t:
“Be impressive and I’ll love you.”
It sounds more like:
“Be easy. Be sweet. Don’t take up too much space. Don’t disrupt me. Be good, grateful, soft, agreeable — then I’m safe to love you.”
So you learned:
Power = risk
Wanting = danger
Assertion = withdrawal of love
Expansion = disconnection
Achievement wasn’t the currency. Containment was.
And here’s the key reframe:
👉 You didn’t fail to become a high achiever.
👉 You succeeded at becoming lovable in the only way that worked.
That deserves respect, not self-judgment.
Why This Still Shows Up Now
If love was earned by being:
compliant
gracious
emotionally attuned to others
“not too much”
Then ambition, visibility, appetite, anger, leadership, even desire can feel like betrayal — not of others, but of the bond itself.
So staying small can feel:
moral
safe
feminine
relationally intelligent
Even if it costs you energy, money, voice, or range.
The Parallel Pattern (This Is Important)
High achievers say (unconsciously):
“If I become impressive enough, I’ll finally be loved.”
Containment-strategists say:
“If I stay easy enough, I won’t lose love.”
Different behaviors.
Same nervous system question:
“Will I still be loved if I’m fully me?”
The Integration (Not a Flip to ‘Achievement’)
The work here is not to swing to hustling, dominating, or “becoming more masculine.”
It’s subtler and braver:
Allowing want without apology
Allowing weight without self-erasure
Letting yourself be inconvenient and still connected
Being seen without performing or shrinking
In other words:
Outgrowing the strategy without disowning the child who needed it.
If you want, next we can:
Name the exact moments where “being small” still protects you
Separate feminine presence from self-erasure
Or rewrite the internal permission that says: “I’m allowed to expand and still be loved.”
What you just articulated is a doorway. You didn’t just notice a pattern — you found the logic behind your life.
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