Examples: “I’m going to the gym later.” “I’ll be reading / working in my room.” “I’m heading out to the beach for a bit.” You’re not asking permission—you’re narrating. this is what she prefers. but I resent it. today I took the (immature?) choice of leaving without leaving her a note / text or explaining. (she was out of the house at teh grocery store. it was my window to flee the house. I knew I would pay for it later. it gave me anxiety after I left. I felt dammned if Ido or dont inform her where I was going which I didn't wish to do. while I also knew the consequence.s. yes food is her access point and time that we can interact. however this is a battle ground of judgments and conflict since we have vastly different priorities diets and preferences. Im sick of her commentary and judgments about my wishing to eat healthy, vegetarian and fast. I don't want to negoatiate and explain every decision I make about how I nourish and when I nourish my body. I resent this. and am angry at myself for my resentment. I would like to lock my door. 

Nothing you wrote sounds immature. It sounds cornered.

Let me name what’s actually happening, because it will reduce the self-anger.

Why you resent “narrating”

You’re right: narrating does work with her.
And you resent it because narrating is not neutral for you — it feels like required disclosure to maintain peace.

So every time you say:

“I’m going to the gym later”

your nervous system hears:

“I must pre-justify my existence so I’m not pursued, questioned, or corrected.”

That’s why resentment builds. Not because the sentence is wrong, but because the power dynamic is wrong.

Your leaving without a note wasn’t immaturity. It was:

• a moment of autonomy

  • taken in the only window that existed

  • under conditions where both options carried a cost

  That’s not a failure. That’s a double bind.

  independence now → emotional tax later

  That doesn’t mean leaving was wrong. It means the environment punishes separateness.

  2. Food isn’t just food here

  You’re absolutely right: food is the main battlefield.

  For you, food is:

  • bodily autonomy

  • health

  • timing

  • simplicity

  For her, food is:

  • care

  • control

  • commentary

  • relevance

  So when she comments on what, when, or how you eat, it doesn’t land as concern.
  It lands as encroachment on sovereignty.

  That’s why you’re not just annoyed — you’re protective and angry.

  And being angry at yourself for the resentment adds a second layer of suffering that you don’t deserve.

  
  

  One grounding truth (hold this)

  “I’m reacting to lack of privacy, not to her as a person.”

"Steps to restart life."

 unconstrained.  unmoored. 

I have no job . intimate relationship. close friends per se. no ties to community. not established activities. how does one forge forward. what is the decision making criteria. how does one build a life with so little variables or influence. 

where and what to deliberately assemble? 

Community is not found; it is generated by repetition - says ai.  

You ask only:

• “Did I show up?”

• “Did structure hold?”

• “Is my nervous system more stable than 30 days ago?”