I wish someone could help me figure things out. Like someone wise who understood and knew things. Like a mentor or guide or something. It would be particularly cool if they liked me or something - or had some sort of investment in helping me sort things out. I'm so lost. Sortof. I mean, I have some ideas and hunches, but what else is out there? What might I be missing? What am i not considering? I don't want to make any mistakes. Time is short and the financial stakes are high.
Mar 19, 2006
Mar 17, 2006
Taking Requests
If I was to take photographs of things around me, what (if anything) would you like to see? =)
Email to Old Buddy From Highschool
Haven't really re-launched the job search yet ~ dragging my feet I suppose. I find it discouraging to spend such great efforts seeking something I actually don't even want (being some self-important a-hole's peon - invaluable though invisible - if not overlooked then snubbed.) But forced to do it because what else am I qualified for? On the other hand, I've seen ads for Exec Assistants in Manhatten that pay up to 90,000 bucks a year. Jeez - that's more than allot of respectable careers. Anyway, I sucked it up and accepted the conciliatory temp position at the college as an "Assistant Director of Registration/Bursar" after they posted (and gave away) the job they had (informally) given me months ago. The school recently hired a new HR director and I think he intervened after he realized that they (The President) had not formally opened the position up to the public. Thus they began interviewing and booted me out - despite my having worked my butt off for him for months. It was such a shock since I've already been listed in their campus directory with the title, been given a staff ID, etc - I suppose its for the best though - I'm less likely now to become complacent and stay somewhere I clearly should not be. (Though intelligent and sometimes thoughtful, the blustery, impatient President has regular tantrums and is known to make even VP's cry.) (Did I already tell you of this? I can't remember - sorry if I did.) I would at least appreciated some sort of acknowledgment that they fucked up, let alone an apology. Effers.
Anyway, your assessment of easterners is funny. It definitely hits home. This is my third attempt at working since moving to NY and each experience has been as equally dismaying. The first one lasted a couple months. The guy I worked for owned a construction business and it was mainly just he and I in the office. I liked the independence/freedom since I was often alone, but dreaded his reappearance because he'd curse like a madman and belittle me (without reason - not that it matters.) When he began throwing things (his stapler, the phone) and smashing them against the walls, I left a note, my keys, some other applicants' resumes for his future reference and hightailed it home. I didn't hear from him again.
The next job was down the street from where I live working for an eye doctor. I was stoked because I thought it would be so inspiring to work for a woman. My fantasies of empowerment quickly withered the first day when I noticed tension in the office so thick it was palpable. Saving you the gory details, she was crazynuts. Nasty, condescending - a wicked micro-manager. I saw her humiliate her staff (AND patients) so many times that it blew my mind - and every week I told myself I could avoid any deleterious long-term impact and ought to stick it out for the paycheck - but - I could see that overtime, my already tenuous, flagellated self-esteem would inevitably erode into dust like all the other mites trapped there.
So - ?! Is this a NY thing - or what?! Sure does lead one to rethink Seattle a bit - rain and all.
Yes, I guess WOW is considered a role-playing game. There are stories/plots/missions- different classes/races, professions. It can be really quite complicated actually. The detail of the programming leaves me continually awed. The gorgeous graphics alone are incredible. It really is like being immersed into another world. So, when are you going to start playing? I told The Cutie that I could see you getting into it and that I think you'd be a great recruit. He was psyched. (He's always looking for steady (smart) teammates that he can rely on.) =)
I'm mainly playing an Undead Warlock. It's nifty, I cast spells, can summon people and have little demon pets that follow me around.... (I am, in fact, aware of just exactly how retarded I sound.) But you asked! hahahahaha
Besides that? For fun? Not too much. There are so many restrictions on my (our) lives mainly because of The Cutie's health problems. So, just trying to make do with what we have. Hopefully he'll feel better some time soon in the future. Oh, I did start dropping by an O class in the city. Haven't gone for a few weeks - but I was pretty enthused for the chance to continue dancing... I spent about a month in xx a year ago with xx but haven't danced since.... Oh and blogging I guess. I do try to blog whenever possible.
And how about you?
What do you do for fun?
How's Seattle life?
How's your family?
Anyway, your assessment of easterners is funny. It definitely hits home. This is my third attempt at working since moving to NY and each experience has been as equally dismaying. The first one lasted a couple months. The guy I worked for owned a construction business and it was mainly just he and I in the office. I liked the independence/freedom since I was often alone, but dreaded his reappearance because he'd curse like a madman and belittle me (without reason - not that it matters.) When he began throwing things (his stapler, the phone) and smashing them against the walls, I left a note, my keys, some other applicants' resumes for his future reference and hightailed it home. I didn't hear from him again.
The next job was down the street from where I live working for an eye doctor. I was stoked because I thought it would be so inspiring to work for a woman. My fantasies of empowerment quickly withered the first day when I noticed tension in the office so thick it was palpable. Saving you the gory details, she was crazynuts. Nasty, condescending - a wicked micro-manager. I saw her humiliate her staff (AND patients) so many times that it blew my mind - and every week I told myself I could avoid any deleterious long-term impact and ought to stick it out for the paycheck - but - I could see that overtime, my already tenuous, flagellated self-esteem would inevitably erode into dust like all the other mites trapped there.
So - ?! Is this a NY thing - or what?! Sure does lead one to rethink Seattle a bit - rain and all.
Yes, I guess WOW is considered a role-playing game. There are stories/plots/missions- different classes/races, professions. It can be really quite complicated actually. The detail of the programming leaves me continually awed. The gorgeous graphics alone are incredible. It really is like being immersed into another world. So, when are you going to start playing? I told The Cutie that I could see you getting into it and that I think you'd be a great recruit. He was psyched. (He's always looking for steady (smart) teammates that he can rely on.) =)
I'm mainly playing an Undead Warlock. It's nifty, I cast spells, can summon people and have little demon pets that follow me around.... (I am, in fact, aware of just exactly how retarded I sound.) But you asked! hahahahaha
Besides that? For fun? Not too much. There are so many restrictions on my (our) lives mainly because of The Cutie's health problems. So, just trying to make do with what we have. Hopefully he'll feel better some time soon in the future. Oh, I did start dropping by an O class in the city. Haven't gone for a few weeks - but I was pretty enthused for the chance to continue dancing... I spent about a month in xx a year ago with xx but haven't danced since.... Oh and blogging I guess. I do try to blog whenever possible.
And how about you?
What do you do for fun?
How's Seattle life?
How's your family?
Mar 16, 2006
I sucked it up and
took the temp job today. Thank-Seakitty for the invaluable comments! The second one was a doozy. I woke up this morning thinking about it. I'll continue to think about it.
Today I don't feel desparately unhappy. I'm such a sensitve person. No wonder I've gravitated towards food to fill the frightening voids. Trying not to do that forces me to sit in my feelings. And that's hard.
I'm glad I'll have an income, at least for a couple weeks. And full-time too which is more than I've had for months. I can breathe now - allbeit just for a moment.
Even bought the cutie a fancy hot/cold contraption for his back/shoulder. And some special creme for his feet. Its funny how 2 weeks of potential work can make one feel suddenly rich.
Oh and did I say "thanks" Seakitty?
Thanks!!!!
It's funny what an important role your comments play.
Today I don't feel desparately unhappy. I'm such a sensitve person. No wonder I've gravitated towards food to fill the frightening voids. Trying not to do that forces me to sit in my feelings. And that's hard.
I'm glad I'll have an income, at least for a couple weeks. And full-time too which is more than I've had for months. I can breathe now - allbeit just for a moment.
Even bought the cutie a fancy hot/cold contraption for his back/shoulder. And some special creme for his feet. Its funny how 2 weeks of potential work can make one feel suddenly rich.
Oh and did I say "thanks" Seakitty?
Thanks!!!!
It's funny what an important role your comments play.
Mar 15, 2006
For the Cutie (Because otherwise I wouldn't care)
I did the dishes, 6 loads of laundry, took the trash out, washed the dog after The Cutie scared her and she peed on herself (again), cleaned her crate, and a little straightening. Every step was a struggle but I did it for the Cutie. He's been taciturn and introverted all day. I think he's in allot of pain. He snapped at me on his way out the door to the chiropractor leaving me feeling fully deflated and hurt all of these hours later.
Life can be so hard. (I know, my life is easy compared to most.)
But I just don't know if I have the consitution for it. Every thing seems to hurt. So, fucking, deeply.
I can't help but wonder if its worth it.
Life can be so hard. (I know, my life is easy compared to most.)
But I just don't know if I have the consitution for it. Every thing seems to hurt. So, fucking, deeply.
I can't help but wonder if its worth it.
Do I take the temporary job?
Some Pros and Cons:
- I'm angry & humiliated: I was introduced as his new "Executive Assistant" for the last few months: then suddenly I show up in another department?! AND have to APPLY for the new position?!
+ I need a job
+ It will pay the same amount (which is a rate I'm happy with)
- But only in the "TRANSITIONAL" period anyway - so what the fuck is that?
- I'd feel like I was giving in. Losing face. My dignity.
+ Who cares - its just a friggin job. Do I really think anyone really notices where me - let alone cares?
+Besides, its irrelevant what "people" think and realistically should have no bearing on this decision
- This position holds zero appeal to me. Independently I would have NEVER applied for it as it sounds dull, tedious, boring and stressful. Also, the department is an absolute disaster: understaffed and poorly run. I'd be dealing with livid students/parents/alum on a daily basis who have good reasons to be frustrated.
- Why go to all of the stress and frustration of learning a whole new job that a) I don't want and b) I may ultimately still not get?!?!?!
+I can accept it while looking for something else
-Send a message that you can't treat people like this by rejecting the new quasi "offer." If you accept the position, you assuage their sense of guilt (if any) and placate their rationalizing that they "did their part"
+Do they really give a shit either way? Very likely not.
- Could I sue them for real? Would accepting this "offer" lessen the credibility of such a case?
+ I doubt I could win such a thing and most especially lack the resources.
Help! What would you do? I need your suggestions.
- I'm angry & humiliated: I was introduced as his new "Executive Assistant" for the last few months: then suddenly I show up in another department?! AND have to APPLY for the new position?!
+ I need a job
+ It will pay the same amount (which is a rate I'm happy with)
- But only in the "TRANSITIONAL" period anyway - so what the fuck is that?
- I'd feel like I was giving in. Losing face. My dignity.
+ Who cares - its just a friggin job. Do I really think anyone really notices where me - let alone cares?
+Besides, its irrelevant what "people" think and realistically should have no bearing on this decision
- This position holds zero appeal to me. Independently I would have NEVER applied for it as it sounds dull, tedious, boring and stressful. Also, the department is an absolute disaster: understaffed and poorly run. I'd be dealing with livid students/parents/alum on a daily basis who have good reasons to be frustrated.
- Why go to all of the stress and frustration of learning a whole new job that a) I don't want and b) I may ultimately still not get?!?!?!
+I can accept it while looking for something else
-Send a message that you can't treat people like this by rejecting the new quasi "offer." If you accept the position, you assuage their sense of guilt (if any) and placate their rationalizing that they "did their part"
+Do they really give a shit either way? Very likely not.
- Could I sue them for real? Would accepting this "offer" lessen the credibility of such a case?
+ I doubt I could win such a thing and most especially lack the resources.
Help! What would you do? I need your suggestions.
I called the H.R. Director
and said basically all of the things we discussed, and although he didn't necessarily address my concerns: (that an agreement was violated, that I left a job for that agreement, that it has been a financial hardship to work only 2 days a week during this now unhonored "transitional phase") he nonetheless was nice and seemed genuinely sympathetic. He said that The President & his assistant ( my coworker who raved about me daily and referred to me
as "perfect" and herself as my biggest advocate) "had only good things to say" about me and just decided to hire someone else because they had more extensive experience in the same sort of position. He added that it was his idea to offer this other position because "once you find a good person you want to keep them" and that it will pay exactly the same amount in the
"transition" and he will find out (by my request) how much it will pay after. He suggested I at least try it out before deciding. Maybe it would end up a better position; "Assistant Director of Student Accounts" I don't know what I should do really, but I do feel very relieved that I've at least spoken up a bit. I said clearly that I was upset about the situation and uncomfortable
with how it happened. He said he appreciated my candor which may have been a line, but did sound pretty convincingly sincere which was nice. He also made a point to remind me that he was new and that most of this took place before he began at the college. Before calling I was shaking so bad and so nervous that I had to write myself notes about what I wanted to say, because I though I might blank out. So, calling was in some small way an accomplishment.
I'm supposed to call him tomorrow and tell him my decision. Now if I could only sue them and get a GIANT SETTLEMENT and most especially an apology I'd be GREAT!
hahaha
as "perfect" and herself as my biggest advocate) "had only good things to say" about me and just decided to hire someone else because they had more extensive experience in the same sort of position. He added that it was his idea to offer this other position because "once you find a good person you want to keep them" and that it will pay exactly the same amount in the
"transition" and he will find out (by my request) how much it will pay after. He suggested I at least try it out before deciding. Maybe it would end up a better position; "Assistant Director of Student Accounts" I don't know what I should do really, but I do feel very relieved that I've at least spoken up a bit. I said clearly that I was upset about the situation and uncomfortable
with how it happened. He said he appreciated my candor which may have been a line, but did sound pretty convincingly sincere which was nice. He also made a point to remind me that he was new and that most of this took place before he began at the college. Before calling I was shaking so bad and so nervous that I had to write myself notes about what I wanted to say, because I though I might blank out. So, calling was in some small way an accomplishment.
I'm supposed to call him tomorrow and tell him my decision. Now if I could only sue them and get a GIANT SETTLEMENT and most especially an apology I'd be GREAT!
hahaha
Mar 13, 2006
When I stand I swoon
and am inexplicably dizzy. Like being drunk without the alcohol. Yesterday I felt a rushing presence in my ears all day. I think I'm making this shit up because I have nothing better to do. Our kitchen is overflowing with garbage and cans and there's a pile of laundry as high as I am in the halkwat. I feel guilty for not doing cleaning up and yet I feel too much like shit to do it. I don't want The Cutie to be mad at me. In fact, he may be my biggest concern in regard to getting rejected by The President. I'm so scared that he may begin to believe I'm as worthless as I worry that I am. Afterall, the only me he knows is the crazy picture painted by blogging and then the barely employed cry-baby that I've been since having moved to New York. I want to be someone better. Someone he'll be proud of. I want to be the kickass wonder that I know I should.
Mar 12, 2006
Mar 11, 2006
I would like not to "dwell"
but don't think that's realistically going to happen. It takes just thinking of it and I start crying. What did I do wrong? I didn't do anything wrong! Obviously he just didn't like my personality enough to keep me around. But what was he basing the judgment on? He never spoke more than a few words to me - rushing around stressed and angry and blustery. It's not fair. I deserved to stay there. I worked so hard. I did such a good job. I did a GREAT job. His Assistant (my coworker) LOVED me, she said she told him and the HR director, that i was "perfect" and an asset to the school. So then...... what happened? Did she betray me?
I'm
so
hurt.
We're going to a doggie meetup in a few minutes. I don't want to anything. I don't want to feel. At least I haven't been using food to drown out the feelings. For that I am feeling proud of myself. I will get though this. I think. I want to turn it into something positive. I'LL SHOW THEM!!
I'm going to show them!!! I'll come back and visit in my wildly sucessful new person, devastingly drop-dead gorgeous, glowing with joy, radiating confidance and driving a bad-ass corvette.
Effers.
I'm
so
hurt.
We're going to a doggie meetup in a few minutes. I don't want to anything. I don't want to feel. At least I haven't been using food to drown out the feelings. For that I am feeling proud of myself. I will get though this. I think. I want to turn it into something positive. I'LL SHOW THEM!!
I'm going to show them!!! I'll come back and visit in my wildly sucessful new person, devastingly drop-dead gorgeous, glowing with joy, radiating confidance and driving a bad-ass corvette.
Effers.
Mar 10, 2006
Its still sinking in
I didn't get my own job.
They took it away and gave it to someone else. Words can not begin to describe the frustration.
The anger.
The embarrassment.
The hurt.
The bewilderment.
I don't understand and there was no hint of an explanation offered. "We'd hate to lose such a talented and wonderful person," so a conciliatory position in the dysfunctional Bursar's office was offered. Oh and p.s. - its a temporary position but [cough, cough] you're invited to apply! How nice! How very considerate. After sticking it out for 5 months, leaving another to accept their offer, and putting all my hopes and efforts into it (working through lunches, staying late, volunteering, constantly going above and beyond.)
Thanks.
Thanks alot.
Now what.
Now what do I do? I needed that job. I wanted it too. How can they do this? How can they give it to me and then take it away? And with no explanation? Not even an apology. I don't understand. I don't understand it. What am I going to do.
They took it away and gave it to someone else. Words can not begin to describe the frustration.
The anger.
The embarrassment.
The hurt.
The bewilderment.
I don't understand and there was no hint of an explanation offered. "We'd hate to lose such a talented and wonderful person," so a conciliatory position in the dysfunctional Bursar's office was offered. Oh and p.s. - its a temporary position but [cough, cough] you're invited to apply! How nice! How very considerate. After sticking it out for 5 months, leaving another to accept their offer, and putting all my hopes and efforts into it (working through lunches, staying late, volunteering, constantly going above and beyond.)
Thanks.
Thanks alot.
Now what.
Now what do I do? I needed that job. I wanted it too. How can they do this? How can they give it to me and then take it away? And with no explanation? Not even an apology. I don't understand. I don't understand it. What am I going to do.
Mar 9, 2006
Surreal Event
I had a terrible scare in the middle of last night. I thought for sure The Cutie was going into diabetic shock and was hallucinating when, at 3:30am, he suddenly jumped out of bed, stood straight up and began doing a cheer while moving his arms to his sides yelling out "READY??? OHHH KAYYYY!!!! I tried to talk to him but he wasn't making sense so I grabbed his testing kit (for his blood sugar) and wanted to just poke his finger and try to test him but I was so tired and so scared that I was shaking so bad I could barely hold it. When I came close to him - he wouldn't let me do it so then i was wondering if I might have to call 911 and have an ambulance come take him by force. I stuck a sugar tablet under his tongue and he smiled and chewed it while he was lying down, still mumbling incoherently. Then I stared at him for the next 4o minutes hoping he might "come too." Then I rustled him and he angrily told me to TURN OFF THE LIGHT ITS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT that HE WAS FINE!!!!! And so I became scared that I was bothering him and then debated if it was really safe to back off or not. (Was he in his right mind?) It seemed he was since he mentioned that his new medication gives him night terrors - so I assumed if he was able to remember all of that - that he must be ok enough to know whether or not his sugar was low. I left in the morning for work (I only have 2 days a week) still a little unsure and then as soon as I got to work absolutely PANICKED as I imagined him going into shock while i was gone. It would be all my fault! Why didn't I try to talk to him before I left? What was I thinking. I did actually leave the door unlocked purposely just in case I had to call an ambulance from work to come get him. But once I left (still groggy i guess from the sleepless night) THEN it hit me - how will I know how he is if i'm not there? Then I struggled and beat myself up about whether or not I should call - (Will he be mad if I wake him up? Will he think i'm making a big deal out of nothing? Will he resent my interference? Shouldn't i error on the side of caution when it's his life at stake? If he was going into shock, wouldn't it have already manifested hours and hours ago when i first suspected? could he have made direct eye contact with me before i left? Should i care if he's mad - the most important thing is his safety - anger will subside......)
Turns out, it seems he was sleep walking!
He said he used to sleep walk all the time as a kid! I told him -GEEZ - nice of you to tell me! I've never in my life witnessed a sleepwalker - and I must say - it was absolutely SPOOKY and horrible and unsettling. Maybe it was something about it being the dead of the night, the darkness, the eerie silence - he just seemed ... POSSESSED. I mean, there was my Cutie, but it wasn't The Cutie's mind. And I was alone with my important (seemingly) life and death decisions about the one person who means more to me then anyone on earth.
I'd say of the scariest things I've been through....
I've been a nervous wreck anyway the last couple weeks - this just ices the cake.
Turns out, it seems he was sleep walking!
He said he used to sleep walk all the time as a kid! I told him -GEEZ - nice of you to tell me! I've never in my life witnessed a sleepwalker - and I must say - it was absolutely SPOOKY and horrible and unsettling. Maybe it was something about it being the dead of the night, the darkness, the eerie silence - he just seemed ... POSSESSED. I mean, there was my Cutie, but it wasn't The Cutie's mind. And I was alone with my important (seemingly) life and death decisions about the one person who means more to me then anyone on earth.
I'd say of the scariest things I've been through....
I've been a nervous wreck anyway the last couple weeks - this just ices the cake.
Mar 3, 2006
Is this a New York Thing?
The President hates people who "talk to slowly" and mocks them "Hurry it up! Get it the point! I asked 'how you are' but I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO HEAR IT." ...And he laughs at his own terrible cleverness.....
Mar 2, 2006
10 Questions to Get You Moving
Very nice, I think.... Will have to try to remember this list....
10 Questions to Get You Moving
by Michele Caron
So many times we just feel stuck. We have a task or situation
in our life, where we know something needs to be done, but we
just can't bring ourselves to take any action.
One of the most important things you can do in such situations
is…Anything! Just getting moving can be the most important
thing. It's just like the concept of inertia in physics.
Sometimes a lot of energy is required to start something moving,
but then once it is moving, it has momentum, and can carry on
without that much energy.
So, here are some questions you can pose to yourself that may
get you moving. Not all of these will apply to all situations,
but I challenge you to use at least one of these on yourself in
an area where you feel stuck!
1. What could be done such that I would never have to deal with
this problem again?
2. What are three ridiculously simple things I could do to make
progress in this area?
3. What if I didn't care one way or the other how this turns out,
but just got it done because I already decided to, and then I
wouldn't have to worry about it anymore?
4. What if I just did it for *five* minutes, and if I don't like
it, I can stop?
5. How wonderful will it feel to have this finished? What are
the benefits for me?
6. How can I break this down into smaller chunks?
7. What is the nicest thing I can do for myself here? Which is
truly the better investment in myself and my future? Delay?
Or get it done so I can really enjoy myself and reap the
benefits?
8. How much energy could I free up by getting this off my To Do
list?
9. What kind of person do I really want to be? Will taking
action on this bring me closer to that? Then what am I
waiting for???
10. What action could I take that would be a revolutionary
advancement for me…Something that I or no one else would
ever have guessed that I could do?
I hope that you try asking yourself some of these things
anywhere that you need to make some progress!
Copyright © Michele Caron, 2006
It just started snowing and
it's really coming down!
I'm at my (temporary) work and as usual, have nothing to do since I'm only (now) a temp even though I was initially permanent before they changed their minds and decided suddenly that they needed to post the position promised to me 5+ months ago and that I quit another job for (that i hated.) Regardless of that, I'd still only be here 2 days a week since I'm "job-sharing" with the woman who hasn't yet retired who I (was supposed) to replace after 3-5 months of transition time. She's here Mon - Wed. I'm here Thur, Friday ; Translation: not really at all. (Her desk, her files, her stapler/pencil holder placement/calendar/etc. Can the transience be any more impermanent? If only I was buddhist....
Mar 1, 2006
My head hurts and I feel bitchy. I have to go to work tomorrow and just feel disgusted. Tried to play my video game with The Cutie on-line and burst into tears after dying 4 times consecutively. In my mind kept thinking - can't I do anything right?!
Geez.
Even my posts have been lame. I'm not expressing myself the way I want to. I'm not telling my story. I'm not communicating what I want to say. The thoughts, the feelings. Maybe I am a nothing.
Geez.
Even my posts have been lame. I'm not expressing myself the way I want to. I'm not telling my story. I'm not communicating what I want to say. The thoughts, the feelings. Maybe I am a nothing.
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it was just this morning. i was lying in bed and realizing that i'm a lot of things i always wanted to be.
i told walter the story about how i'd crashed my aunt's new red convertible (the one she'd "always wanted"). and how she never got angry with me. she never yelled. she never really seemed upset.
and how i was so afraid my mom and step dad would find out. how i'd be hung. oh the yelling i was in for.
and right then and there, i decided i wanted to be like D Aunt.
she said all that was really important was that i wasn't hurt. nobody was hurt.
and that she didn't yell, because there was no use getting upset over it. what good would it do?
she showed me how to make priorities. how to put the big things in perspective. how to realize that not everything is a CRISIS.
my mother thought dirty dishes were a crisis. anything that caused her "stress" was a crisis. and whoever was in the room was worthy of her stress relief.
i decided not to be like this.
and last night i realized i think i've fully achieve this. i'm really much more like D aunt than my mom in this respect, though it's taken conscious decision making and effort.
but i'm willing to bet...you're all those things you "want to be". i bet every choice you've made over the years was guided by these wishes of yours.
i bet you've already fulfilled everyone of those criteria you've laid out for yourself.
i realized it reading you.
but what makes the difference is you realizing it.