fuck

 depleted. weepy. confused. 

just dropped her off at her home. she wanted me to come inside.  seems like its never enough. I just spend 2.5 hours driving her.  1.5 hours waiting for her during her procedure.  but it wasn't enough.  

she wanted to know what I was doing the rest of the day. ?  leave me alone? 

the constant peppering of rapid fire question after question after question constantly from the minute she seems me feels like an assault. though I'm aware of its innocent. therefore I struggle with shame and guilt. and then frustration because I'm aware that shame and guilt are unnecessary because I'm a person too and also innocent.  then back to depleted. low.  then hopeless. trapped.   a caged animal in her home.   nervous system fried over nothing. and the eating of her crap food. the weight has ballooned back up.  back to 200 pounds.  I was down 60 at some point.   

the weight is my protective cocoon. leave me the fuck alone! leave me alone!  burying myself alive and yet still feel raw and and frazzled. the frustration. 

I refuse to be depressed because Ive gone through too much. I know better.  

and yet. 

whats next? 

I want to cry. nap. disappear. scream. but instead I'll sit here silently and look at the window and doomscroll.