It snowed like crazy as D drove us back from dropping off the computer for his Mom. New York drivers are scary. Everybody honks over everything and it seems so terribly tense and angry. So, to distract myself from my gnarled gut, i used the visor mirror to do some sorely needed wooly mammath eyebrow plucking. We stopped for a moment at Shoprite which was outrageously packed with bundled up pre-storm shoppers backed up from the registers into the aisles. Of course, our line was the slowest. Or maybe it just seemed that way because the diet root beer cans were digging deep crevices into my strained fingers, fighting D's 10 pound can of Beef-a-roni for positioning in my hands. (How one skinny man can down so much beefaroni is beyone me.) I dunno, its all a blur. I was so damm hungry i couldn't think straight. D too. We've been pissy & tired all day. Maybe its because we wokeup at 330pm and didn't eat until 10pm. Maybe its because we need a break from each other. It will help when i go to work and give him some space. I know its a pain in the ass to always have someone all up in your business all the time. I've always been a private, solitary person - so i know exactly how that feels. There's a certain measure of peace that comes from the predictablity of being alone. You know where you've put things and why they're there. You don't have to explain yourself; what you're thinking, where you're going. You can get your porn on and touch yourself in special places without people looking over your shoulder making you feel creepy. You can sing off-key and dance around the room naked like an idiot and not be ashamed. No messes are generated without your consent. And you don't have to put on a happy face when REALLY you'd rather spit at the fucked up world. Or at least flip it off. You don't have to worry about anyone but yourself.
I know.
I do.
I really do.
Of course, no one's worrying about you either. No one cares about your whereabouts or generally notes if you exist. If you were to pass out or perish, it could be a significant amount of time before anyone noticed, and even then it would be more a reflection of your offensive rotting odor or some other impersonal criteria rather than the place of value you held in their daily life.
I like having someone to care about. I like someone caring about me. Even if it does break a comfortable longstanding habit of seculsion and self-protection. Even if it does feel invasive or controlling at times. I'm aware that those sensations are merely growing pains, something we go through to get to the other side. Something that we exchange for a greater whole; two individuals struggling to come together and make something bigger, better, more fulfilling . Yes, we isolated individuals must adapt ourselves to compromise and continual communication, which is unfamiliar and awkward, but, by doing so, we enable ourselves to be opened to a whole new reality that comes with the love and companionship of including another into the folds of our heart.
Its scary Its hard. It sucks sometimes. But its so incredible too. When we discuss a co-mingled present, or brainstorm a parallel future, i feel intensely honored. Excited. Happy. Having a life partner is as beautiful as it is easy to take for granted. In its abscense that is made clear. Still and devoid of meaning. My goal is stay aware of the manifold gifts while immersed in togetherness.
No comments:
Post a Comment