Finally

Well, good news. (??!)

I'm takin care of bid-ness baby!

Over the past 2 days i've (FINALLY) summoned the hutzpah required to respond to a bunch of emails from an assortment of friends/family that i've completely neglected for many, many months. (But less than years!) Its funny the reverse logic; the more important the person is, the more i am touched by what they've said, the more i long to respond in kind - passionately, heartfelt and with great attention to detail, the less inclined i am to actually do it. I get all stupefyed and stuck. ::cut to inner dialogue:::

"Ummmm.... Er.... Welllllll..... I don't really the have time right now (Note: I am unemployed)... And i'm not really in the mood.... And, i'm kinda a little bit tired, "sort-a...(we sleep only 10ish hours a night not counting catnaps throughout our terribly ::cough cough:: strenous days) And, um, i'm not really sure what to say... And, um, i wanna say just the right thing, and, well.... yeah.... I gotta get caught up with my W.o.W. gaming so, (anything less than 8 hours a day would be criminal and at very least reflect poor priorities) SO, um.... What was i thinking about doing again? Yeah okay, back to the game!"

And then i mark them "unread" for future attention which begins a relationship which provokes regret, shame and daily mental flogging as they stare menacingly back at me in my inbox and i continue to wait for "just the right time" to attend to them. Read: Never.

But, today i did it! I wrote! A dancing friend in Japan, my dance teacher, my brother, my mothers brother, my father's sister, an old buddy from elementary school/highschool honors classes/college who i now live near and may get together with soon, a dear dear friend from the Hawaii eating disorder group, 2 therapists there (which was awkward; what do i write? we're not in a professional relationship now, yet, we obviously are still connected, so, what are we? friends? what do i write? how detailed do i get? what's an appropriate amount of detail to include without an exchange of greenback)....... Also a colleague at the school for at-risk kids i taught at, a cousin, and, .... you get the idea.... Pretty much everyone but Mr. A (old highschool english teacher) whom i still have not been able to cross the threshold. His last email to me (about 6 months ago) included a loooooong list of questions to which i couldn't/didn't know how/but wanted desparately to answer re: my impulsive move to New York and D.... He is perhaps my most treasured pen-pal friendship.

Anyway, yay me.... And in the spirit of kicking ass, i've also begun, (FINALLY) to go back to my inital blog before shutting down shop, and reposting the entries with the original dates... Cuz, as a human being, a reserve the right to change my mind. That'll take a while to finish, but at least i've started... Its interesting to peruse those posts from a year ago... So depressive, so resigned.... Its interesting to see where i've come from....

ok... see ya soon! say hi somtime.... i'd like to hear from you... yes you... right there.. reading this now..... you....

aloha,

indigo