Size Doesn't Matter

This online food journal i've been using the past few days is fun! Its really easy to use and kinda interesting. But i'm a little concerned too. Sometimes i can see slipping into a "dieting mentality" by obsessing on calorie counting or i begin to restrict when i see the day's calorie total rise beyond a certain point. Then, if i see that the the day's total is very low (too low, perhaps) i hear this blasted little voice that says, "RIGHT-ON" and gets all excited about how much more weight i might lose based on that. Uhoh. Thats not the relationship with food i'm aiming for, but wouldn't it be nice to be in a place where simple awareness doesn't trigger me to lose my equilibrium?

Where is this coming from, i ask myself. As i predicted, i think its because i've lost/am losing weight. Having struggled with my weight since i was in elementary school, its hard to not celebrate the aesthetics of a rapidly dissapearing body, or then zoom in on the loss and see it as a measure of success. And then there's a rush of pride and excitement and hopefullness and maybe even arrogance and like an addict that can't get enough i want MORE and MORE and MORE. I unconsciously drift off; fantasizing of how skinny i can get and how i'll look when i get there. I imagine spending several hours a day working out, becoming ripped, a marathon runner, a triathlete, a gymnast, having six pack abs that you'd cut a finger on. I see anorexic actresses on the tv shows we watch and imagine being in their illustrious positions; adored and glamorous; exalted.

Of Value.

After a lifetime bombardment of overt and covert messages that thin=sucess/beauty/happiness/respectability/desirability and fat=ugly/slovenly/lazy/patheticness/rejection, the progamming is hardwired and not simple or easy to shake -regardless of how strong my conscious intentions. Nonethess, intellectually i know; a shrinking body is superficial and external, and my true objective is purely the internal; listening to my body cues about hunger and fullness as well as my feelings and desires; veiwing my intrinsic worth as a human being unrelated to a number on a scale.. If i lose weight, i'd like to see be a byproduct of my increasing health and synchronicity of mind and body, not because i forced my body into submission or some sort of "force of will."

I hope its possible.