My teacher replied to my email and said she and her husband welcome me to stay in their home for a month while i study with her. I can't believe it. What i've always wanted. An entire month completely dedicated to the art that i've been dying to continue where i left off years ago. So why now do i feel......... distress?
What am i doing? I am 31 years old. What is the point of it really. What am i going to do with it when i come back? Can i continue on my own? I don't even have anywhere to practice. And even if i did have a place to practice, so what? Am i going to perform all on my own? Alone? Where would i do that? Who would want to come see me? Why would i do that? Why do i care? Without my teacher, without guidance how far will i go? Will i continue learning? Will i be able to keep myself inspired and growing? Is it simply my ego that i'm trying to feed here? Or something else? What about the comraderie of having other fellow dancers? What's the point without that? What about bringing an audience enjoyment and pleasure, how can i do that as a solo performer? (There's so much more you can do in a group; dynamic formations, storytelling and visual artistry.)
Damn!
Damnit!
I hate saying these things! I was horrified when they crossed my mind in the elevator last night on the way to the store.
Its funny; like being fat; you can always use is it when a flailing psyche calls for it - like a crutch to lean on to explain away any circumstances in your life which are less than satisfactory - dreams yet unfufilled.
"I'll go jogging when i'm thin enough to wear these shorts."
"I'll can't go to the beach because i look horrible in a bathing suit."
"I can't dance because my fat with jiggle and disgust people."
And the list goes on.
"If only i could lose 50 pounds, i'd be married, have a better job,
people would like me, and i'd be happy."
people would like me, and i'd be happy."
Blah blah blah. Sound familiar? But who doesn't want to fulfill their dreams, you ask? That's ridiculous, right? Well, like the adage says, you can't fail if you don't try. And by never attempting- you secure yourself a nice, safe little slice of perpetual misery pie. Yum yum. My favorite. Packed with calories minus any pesky nutritional value.
What was that quote about most of us living quiet lives of desparation? Dang, who said that again?
I feel close to something here; something precarious - some self-imposed barrier perhaps. On the threshold of.....????? .......what?
Would i accept getting the things i want? Would i be happy meeting my dreams eye to eye? Will i allow myself to be happy? Do i feel i deserve it yet?
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