Squaring Off

I'm unsure about this template now.... I like the colors but it makes me kinda dizzy. It seems hard to read. And isn't the point of a blog the words, not the glitz?

My teacher replied to my email and said she and her husband welcome me to stay in their home for a month while i study with her. I can't believe it. What i've always wanted. An entire month completely dedicated to the art that i've been dying to continue where i left off years ago. So why now do i feel......... distress?

What am i doing? I am 31 years old. What is the point of it really. What am i going to do with it when i come back? Can i continue on my own? I don't even have anywhere to practice. And even if i did have a place to practice, so what? Am i going to perform all on my own? Alone? Where would i do that? Who would want to come see me? Why would i do that? Why do i care? Without my teacher, without guidance how far will i go? Will i continue learning? Will i be able to keep myself inspired and growing? Is it simply my ego that i'm trying to feed here? Or something else? What about the comraderie of having other fellow dancers? What's the point without that? What about bringing an audience enjoyment and pleasure, how can i do that as a solo performer? (There's so much more you can do in a group; dynamic formations, storytelling and visual artistry.)

Damn!

Damnit!

I hate saying these things! I was horrified when they crossed my mind in the elevator last night on the way to the store.

Its funny; like being fat; you can always use is it when a flailing psyche calls for it - like a crutch to lean on to explain away any circumstances in your life which are less than satisfactory - dreams yet unfufilled.

"I'll go jogging when i'm thin enough to wear these shorts."

"I'll can't go to the beach because i look horrible in a bathing suit."

"I can't dance because my fat with jiggle and disgust people."

And the list goes on.

"If only i could lose 50 pounds, i'd be married, have a better job,
people would like me, and i'd be happy."

Blah blah blah. Sound familiar? But who doesn't want to fulfill their dreams, you ask? That's ridiculous, right? Well, like the adage says, you can't fail if you don't try. And by never attempting- you secure yourself a nice, safe little slice of perpetual misery pie. Yum yum. My favorite. Packed with calories minus any pesky nutritional value.

What was that quote about most of us living quiet lives of desparation? Dang, who said that again?

I feel close to something here; something precarious - some self-imposed barrier perhaps. On the threshold of.....????? .......what?

Would i accept getting the things i want? Would i be happy meeting my dreams eye to eye? Will i allow myself to be happy? Do i feel i deserve it yet?

Make-Over

Well, just for fun, i spent the entire day playing with templates and html stuff. I don't have a clue what i'm doing but its fun messing with things and seeing what happens. This is what i've come up with so far. Is it hard on the eyes? ...As you can see its a work in progress - but fun!

The only program i have to make images with is a basic stock Paint which i used to make the title and captions. Probably silly, but it works for now. I also learned how to link stuff to the buttons (KEWL) with which i included D's new World of Warcraft Diaries blog and another blog that's very near and dear to my heart, "We Kick Ass" which D created while i still lived in Hawaii and we hadn't yet met. On it we recorded our wistful thoughts as we pined to finally meet and be with one another. Awwwww, those were the days..... We never did publish it, well, up until now.... Perhaps this will be the impetous we need to start writing again as i believe the last post was sometime in October? I guess once i moved in we had less need to type to each other. But, i still find it so sweet and so romantic. A testament to love. That was one of the nicest things anyone's ever done for me actually ~ that blog. =) and it surely did sweep me off my feet.
....As a sidenote, you'll find there, among other things, the original photo that D created which i later stole, used for my blogger profile and never gave him credit. (Thx D!)

Anyway, i also added a link under "images" to a new blog i made where i thought i could place all those photos i've been wanting to take..... =)

I'll keep plugging along tomorrow and see what else i can come up with. ... Maybe i can figure out why its taking so long to load and how to move down everything from the top margin....

With all these potential changes, i do wonder if i ought to go non-anonymous and change the tenor of my writing. Then i could include more specific/personal photos and whatnot... I dunno.... Still thinking....

Size Doesn't Matter

This online food journal i've been using the past few days is fun! Its really easy to use and kinda interesting. But i'm a little concerned too. Sometimes i can see slipping into a "dieting mentality" by obsessing on calorie counting or i begin to restrict when i see the day's calorie total rise beyond a certain point. Then, if i see that the the day's total is very low (too low, perhaps) i hear this blasted little voice that says, "RIGHT-ON" and gets all excited about how much more weight i might lose based on that. Uhoh. Thats not the relationship with food i'm aiming for, but wouldn't it be nice to be in a place where simple awareness doesn't trigger me to lose my equilibrium?

Where is this coming from, i ask myself. As i predicted, i think its because i've lost/am losing weight. Having struggled with my weight since i was in elementary school, its hard to not celebrate the aesthetics of a rapidly dissapearing body, or then zoom in on the loss and see it as a measure of success. And then there's a rush of pride and excitement and hopefullness and maybe even arrogance and like an addict that can't get enough i want MORE and MORE and MORE. I unconsciously drift off; fantasizing of how skinny i can get and how i'll look when i get there. I imagine spending several hours a day working out, becoming ripped, a marathon runner, a triathlete, a gymnast, having six pack abs that you'd cut a finger on. I see anorexic actresses on the tv shows we watch and imagine being in their illustrious positions; adored and glamorous; exalted.

Of Value.

After a lifetime bombardment of overt and covert messages that thin=sucess/beauty/happiness/respectability/desirability and fat=ugly/slovenly/lazy/patheticness/rejection, the progamming is hardwired and not simple or easy to shake -regardless of how strong my conscious intentions. Nonethess, intellectually i know; a shrinking body is superficial and external, and my true objective is purely the internal; listening to my body cues about hunger and fullness as well as my feelings and desires; veiwing my intrinsic worth as a human being unrelated to a number on a scale.. If i lose weight, i'd like to see be a byproduct of my increasing health and synchronicity of mind and body, not because i forced my body into submission or some sort of "force of will."

I hope its possible.

Venturing into the Outside World

It snowed like crazy as D drove us back from dropping off the computer for his Mom. New York drivers are scary. Everybody honks over everything and it seems so terribly tense and angry. So, to distract myself from my gnarled gut, i used the visor mirror to do some sorely needed wooly mammath eyebrow plucking. We stopped for a moment at Shoprite which was outrageously packed with bundled up pre-storm shoppers backed up from the registers into the aisles. Of course, our line was the slowest. Or maybe it just seemed that way because the diet root beer cans were digging deep crevices into my strained fingers, fighting D's 10 pound can of Beef-a-roni for positioning in my hands. (How one skinny man can down so much beefaroni is beyone me.) I dunno, its all a blur. I was so damm hungry i couldn't think straight. D too. We've been pissy & tired all day. Maybe its because we wokeup at 330pm and didn't eat until 10pm. Maybe its because we need a break from each other. It will help when i go to work and give him some space. I know its a pain in the ass to always have someone all up in your business all the time. I've always been a private, solitary person - so i know exactly how that feels. There's a certain measure of peace that comes from the predictablity of being alone. You know where you've put things and why they're there. You don't have to explain yourself; what you're thinking, where you're going. You can get your porn on and touch yourself in special places without people looking over your shoulder making you feel creepy. You can sing off-key and dance around the room naked like an idiot and not be ashamed. No messes are generated without your consent. And you don't have to put on a happy face when REALLY you'd rather spit at the fucked up world. Or at least flip it off. You don't have to worry about anyone but yourself.

I know.
I do.
I really do.

Of course, no one's worrying about you either. No one cares about your whereabouts or generally notes if you exist. If you were to pass out or perish, it could be a significant amount of time before anyone noticed, and even then it would be more a reflection of your offensive rotting odor or some other impersonal criteria rather than the place of value you held in their daily life.

I like having someone to care about. I like someone caring about me. Even if it does break a comfortable longstanding habit of seculsion and self-protection. Even if it does feel invasive or controlling at times. I'm aware that those sensations are merely growing pains, something we go through to get to the other side. Something that we exchange for a greater whole; two individuals struggling to come together and make something bigger, better, more fulfilling . Yes, we isolated individuals must adapt ourselves to compromise and continual communication, which is unfamiliar and awkward, but, by doing so, we enable ourselves to be opened to a whole new reality that comes with the love and companionship of including another into the folds of our heart.

Its scary Its hard. It sucks sometimes. But its so incredible too. When we discuss a co-mingled present, or brainstorm a parallel future, i feel intensely honored. Excited. Happy. Having a life partner is as beautiful as it is easy to take for granted. In its abscense that is made clear. Still and devoid of meaning. My goal is stay aware of the manifold gifts while immersed in togetherness.

Inspiration

In The Zone - 5 Positive Steps

#1) I'm making good on my gym thang.
Yesterday i made my third visit and joined about 40 other sweaty ladies in a kickboxing class that KICKED my ASS, but felt awesome afterwords. The other couple visits i did about 45 minutes of cardio on machines and 1/2 hour of light weights. I plan to keep it up. I plan to get totally buffed out. I plan to become the healthy, strong woman i've always hoped to be. And i think it may just happen this time. Like, for reals. For reals, for reals.

#2) I emailed my teacher.
D reminded me of my teachers offer and asked when i'll take her up on it. Where is my mind? How can i lose sight of such vital things? Yes, it will be terrific timing; ever since i left her 6 years ago for Hawaii, i've intended to go back - but not until it was the right time. Until then, i didn't want to waste her time, she is afterall an important person and the art form sacred. It deserves full concentration. Full dedication and commitment. I wanted to be right; mentally, physically. I needed to clear my mind of some hangups and develop the ability to be disciplined. I wanted to be in good physical shape so i wouldn't dance half-assed or require lame accomodatons for inadquate physicality; not being able to bend far enough or keep up my foot rythms, for example. I needed to strengthen my sense of self to withstand her difficult to damaging personality quirks. And finally, i needed to have the resources to pay her and later rehearse.

I imagine she'll invite me to stay in her home. But a month seems a long time. Perhaps there will be a room available in her rental home with the dance floor. (The house i lived in before i escaped left the state.) It will be an honor. Not only because she is a master of the art, but because she has been like mother to me. And she is so busy! She teaches dance, is a fulltime professor, an author, lecturer, and political activist. Not to mention a wife who cooks gourment meals on a nightly basis. I've never known her to not be overextended and exhausted. Which leads me to yet another goal that i have for the trip. I'd like to help them with the things their insane schedules won't allow, household things, company things, organizing the sorely neglected vaults of priceless one-of-a-kind video footage that they've collected over the years. Thousands and thousands of tapes of students around the world and the greatest masters in the world, all just sitting, collecting dust. I can't wait to sit and pour through them; one after another, just soaking it all up into my bones.

I miss it. The exquisite music. The delicate costumes. The energy of performance. I miss it all. I miss working on a step; day after day, week after week until finally the rythm is lodged in muscle memory and can be executed without effort, as natural and commonplace as air. I miss the comraderie of rehearsing with other dancers. The rush that comes from waiting still backstage when that first hypnotic flute rings out into memerized air; followed by the thrill of the tabla, pattering away penetrating stories of love and passion. I miss the sensuality of this Dance of Love. I love summoning and embracing the beauty both the Tandava and Lasya aspects of myself and most especially channeling rasa (sentiment) during an abhinaya, or acting dance. Nryita is beautiful (pure dance), but it is the drama and beauty of the abinaya choreographies that truly captures me.

I'm getting myself all excited.
Let me stop.
One step at a time, right?! First i need to hit that gym and get myself ready. This will happen when i am ready.

Oh yeah, my list... where was i?....

#3) I started a kewl on-line Food/Exercise journal
I particularly like the nutritional breakdown of the foods u eat. How cool is that?! I'll be interested to see if any patterns develop whereby i might be neglecting some vitamin/minerals on a consistant basis. That would be illuminating. Not sure if i'll keep it up, but right now i have the time and interest, so why not. I made it public so if you wanna see it, lemme know and i'll send ut the address.

#4) I'm cookin it up buddy!
I dunno if the spirit of Julia Child has overtaken me or what, but suddenly, i'm a cook-a-holic-beast! Almost every night i'm doin the deed. Of course some dishes don't always turn out so great since each and every one is a science experiment of sorts. But i'm learning as i go along and enjoying the process. If i can get a "tasty" outa D, then i know something must have gone okay. Tonight i cooked fish and a non-fat mock non-potato pototo salad. Shhh.. Don't tell D that i used cauliflower instead!! heh heh.... It wasn't too bad actually... Got the recipe from my Dad who has become quite the gourmet himself since he retired. Its nice to see my Mom relieved of her lifetime of domestic duty since they seem to role reverse when she went back to work teaching first grade (after 20-some years.)

#5) Self administered Financial First Aid
Ever since i got those dastardly credit cards in college and sold my soul to the corporate devils by feeding into their abusive machine, i've been living in shame and anxiety regarding my debt. (That is, on the rare occasion i allow myself to think about it.) But now that its been over 10 years, i think i may be able to take a shot at resolving some of the crappy credit card baggage. I started by a)taking a deep breath b)ordering my credit report c)writing a letter of dispute regarding what i read and finally and d)applying for a secured credit card to begin rebuilding. And guess what! I got the card (the first one since the mess began a decade ago) and yesterday i received a letter stating 8 of the delinquent accounts will be removed from my report. Holy crap was i excited. Of course i have a long ways to go yet, but at least i'm willing/able to finally address it. To even LOOK at it has been a big accomplishment since the whole disaster has taken a heavy toll on me over the years.
CPR BUDDY!
YEAH!

Anyway, yay me. #6 will hopefully have something to do with getting a job or something...

Riding

Well shit. Love is a bitch. It opens you up like an exposed nerve leaving you as sensitive to wounding as to ecastic bliss. Its as unbearable as it is delicious, painful as it is perfect. And its a ride. Boy, is it a ride. One that i sometimes wish i could seize the controls of and slow down for fear i might otherwise fall off and shatter into a thousand heart wrenched pieces; a wrickety box not seeming nearly strong enough to support my many fears as we precariously dangle from a sky of clouds and air.

But we're doing our best. Despite the fear we push on, because its worth it.

Are you an Indigo Too?

Well that's bazarro. Have you ever heard of "Indigo Children?" I mean like, besides me? Me neither. But i stumbled onto the this list of characteristics which coincidentally(?!) fits me to a "T." Apparently i have strong violet energy. How about you?

Good Quality Shiznit

I've watched Pat Croche's show several times now while D is away at appointments and i have access to the remote. During the show he "moves in" to peoples' homes, observes their daily routines and then offers his input through direct, confrontational interventions and reality checks. He calls people to the carpet and demands they address their core issues underlying their financial, relationship, organizational, etc woes. He coaches them to open up to each other and themselves.

Every time it i've seen it, i well up. Its powerful. It amazes me. It leaves me touched. At the core is always the strength of love and the desire for connection. It reminds and demonstrates to me that all people, adults included, no matter how imbedded in their destructive patterns and dysfunction have an immense capacity to grow, change, and extend themselves beyond the familiarity of blame and rage in exchange for something greater; the fullfillment of mutual understanding. And with such relative immediacy! Even when it seems families and partners are irreconceivably twisted, identifying a common goal brings them back together; dealienation, love, understanding. Patience, kindness, empathy and being heard; these are the things we all want.

Its hard to tell the truth. Its hard to express your anger. Its hard to examine the past and its relationship to the future. Its hard to own up to your hurtful behaviors and words. Its hard to take responsibility for our own destructive choices. But if we want to go forward, if we want to mend these broken bonds, and even (at times) literally save our lives, it must be done. This show clearly demonstrates this concept. It gives me hope.

Hang in there.
Don't give up on the people you love.
Don't give up on yourself.
We're all worth much, much more that that.

I didn't know Sylvester Stallone was a prolific screenwriter! I didn't know he wrote Rocky and Rambo! Well props to meathead then.

Good for you.

"Have you ever had a dream you were so sure was real?"

It took a few extra years, but i finally, finally saw the infamous Matrix last night. I've been meaning to see it for a long time, but somehow never got around to the flick that supposedly sparked a cinematic revolution. Sure enough, I dug it. Through years of overhearing comments, i'd expected snazzy high-tech visual effects, but what i didn't expect and was impressed by was the quality of the Matrix's story. I'm a fan of any sort of endeavor that prods our assumptions about the nature of reality or generally disrupts our habitual worldviews, so, discovering that Earth may be nothing more than an elaborate virtual make-believe-land constructed and maintened by A.I. puppetmaster captors pretty much fits that bill. Comatose humans feeding souless machines! Neat! D says HBO is playing the whole trilogy and so we intend to catch #2 tonight..... I can't wait.

"I'll show you how deep the Rabbit Hole goes"

I've been thinking, maybe i should just do it - you know, pursue filmaking/acting in some fashion - and do it right now - despite it being "unrealistic," "impractical" and highly "doomed to failure." Why? Well, why not? So what if it fails, makes no money and is frustrating/depressing/not respected by family/acquaintences? Most importantly, if i was to try it out, it may circumvent a potential future of regret and ambivalence about "what-could-have-been" and "what-i-really-was-meant-to-be." How will i know my potential if i don't explore? And actually, in a way, a failure could be an awesome GIFT when you think about it since i'd be relieved to reduce my potential career/interest list by one. That's one less option to twist my heart-mind up in a knot of confusion! Too many choices can be overwhelming afterall. Then, when/if i later move on to pursue a more pragmatic, guaranteed career tract, ie: counseling/pysch, it would be all the more comfortable for me.

WHY NOT WHAT THE HELL GO FOR IT WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE YOU'LL NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU TRY LIFE IS SHORT DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT LISTEN TO YOUR GUT BELIEVE IN YOUR VISION & BE WHO YOU WERE MEANT TO BE

Right? Listen to the cliches when they makes sense? Right

D is making a new blog. YAY. The theme will be World of Warcraft. VERY COOL. Its something he'll have no trouble discussing. It will flow. It will keep him entertained. He'll be interested and interesting. People will love it. In fact, he's behind me looking for skins right now. And I'm excited!!! He's so creative, you know? You never know what he's gonna come up with next! =) I love his uniqueness. And his ability to dive into what captures his desires, regardless of what others may think. He's great, that D. Just GREAT.

Incidentally, check out some sexy music from this amazing game. We've come a long ways from Pitfall baby.

I think cookies are like, a trigger food for me or something. They're making me crazy. Crazy. CRAZY. Crazy ravenous. I want to stuff them in my face. Stuff them in my face!

Embracing my Inner Cookie Monster

The answer to my cookie woes? Cookie Monster says, Eat coooookies!!!
(**Here's some random thoughts as stolen borrowed from here**)

I intend to strive to become an Intuitive Eat-OR by:
1. Rejecting a Diet Mentality (not counting calories, restricting "bad" foods, etc)
2. Listening to my Body
3. Discovering my Internal Cues
4. Eating with Awareness and Without Judgement
5. Honoring my Hunger - Eating When Physically Hungry
6. Assess my hunger level Hunger Silence – Why Don't I feel Hunger?
7. Cope with my Emotions Without Food - Not using Food to Bury my Feelings
8. Assessing reasons why i may eat other than for physical hunger

Dieting does Damage It Increases: Binges Preoccupation with Food Feelings of Deprivation A sense of Failure Fat retention Stress It Decreases A Sense of Willpower Your Metabolic Rate Satietion cues Self-esteem Confidence and Self-trust

Intuitive eating is a completely unconscious process that automatically adjusts calorie and nutrition intake to produce my ideal weight. I plan to eat what i want, when i want it - i won't berate my selves or allow others to shame me. When i eat without awareness, i get the calories, but not the get pleasure, so left still unsatisfied. This provokes overeating, which leads to guilt, which leads to more overeating. But

I deserve to enjoy eating!

I am allowed to savor every bite!

When i eat, i'll allow myself pleasure. I'll:
Smell it
Suck it
Move it around my mouth.
Notice the different flavors and textures.
Chew it.
Swallow
Notice the aftertaste
Process the experience
Did everything taste as i expected?
Did i like the smell, taste or texture of some foods better than others?
Remember that each bite is a total experience.

I'll give my body adequate energy by staying fed and prevent triggering a primal drive to overeat. Excess hunger messes up all my intentions of moderate, conscious eating and then i wanna stuff my face with coooooookiesssssss and icecream and D's infamous Party Mix.

If i was to eat only when i was physically hungry nothing will be stored. One of the main tools we used at the E.D. group, was the Food Journal. I've been contemplating keeping one again for a while journal again as a refresher to remind myself of my hunger levels and their relationship to my feelings. Basicially what we did was write the following next to everything we ate in a day: what we were doing, thinking, feeling, and a number before and after eating from the following Hunger Scale.

The Hunger Scale (0 - 10)
0 – So hungry that you're not hungry
1 – Headache, shaky – too hungry to care what or how much you eat – you will overeat. 2 – Losing concentration, grumpy – seriously hungry – your stomach is empty, you must eat now!
3 - I'm hungry, stomach growling
4 – Not hungry, but not satisfied
5 – Satisfied, comfortable, not hungry
6 – In slight discomfort – you feel the food
7 – Uncomfortable – sleepy sluggish, change into sweats
8 – "I ate too much – I'm stuffed" Very uncomfortable – stomach hurts
9 – Overly stuffed
10– In pain. Thanksgiving Dinner like – need to take a nap

It was initally an uncomfortable thing as it forced a sort of consciousness that completely contradicted the whole purpose of an eating disorder: numbing out and unconsciousness. The idea is to bring these things to light until finally, you stop when you're full.

I hate eating like you're never going to eat again. It's like your body has betrayed you. But actually the body has no interest ever in overeating. The mind overeats when it's afraid of future deprivation. That's why i need to perservere in eating small, frequent meals. But because this makes me hungry more often, it can be SCARY since it makes u want to eat more often. But these small, frequent meals prevent bingeing, boost metabolism and keeps blood sugars up to prevent mood swings. It takes more time and effort and persistance but i know its what i need to do. I need to
Eat slowly.
Listen to my body's signals.
Pause in the middle of eating and note the tastes and my level fullness is
I need to quit eating right in the middle if i'm full!!
I can always eat again whenever i'm hungry afterall.
Keeping the cupboards/fridge stalked will reinforce this
Also, if a practice throwing food out, it will help me practice letting go

Research shows that over time bodies choose totally balanced diets. "Forbidden" foods like cookies are scary, but i need to remind myself that just because i indulge once in a while doesn't mean my world is going to come crashing to an end. Its the fear that drives the freaking out which in turn could lead to a crazy binge. But i don't need to freak out because i'm not going to gain an ounce from eating what i want if i only remember to eat on between physical hunger and fullness. That's exactly the amount of calories my body needs to arrive at maintain myideal weight.

A big chunk of soothing ice cream will always be here for me when no one else is. An emotional eater (like me) learns early on that food is a great way to cope. Uncomfortable feelings-anger and fear or joy and success – can be buried under food.

"Has eating become a substitute for living my dreams?"

I something i asked myself recently and had to answer, "yes." Now i can happily say that thats not true. But its scary and sad how easily it can happen and how many other people resign themselves to this life. Empty and sad.

Now the minute I want to eat when i'm not hungry, i see it as a gift, a flag that something may be awry, an indication that there may be a deeper need or feeling that needs to be heard and fed. Its not easy doing this work, but now when the

When the urge to eat arises, i try to ask:
"Am I physically hungry?"
and if i'm not then
"What am I feeling?"
Boredom? Procrastination? Anxiety? Grief? Frustration? Stress? Rage? depression? Anger? Habit? Bribery/Reward? Soothing? Love? Social pressure?

It helps to write out my feelings here, or talking it out (d is remarkably understanding)
also
Sitting with feelings and really experiencing them (i H A T E this!!!!)
i ask "What do I really need?" Sleep/rest? a hug? to connect? to express anger?
i try to ask for help in attaining this; what i really need.

Learning to meet needs without food is a whole new reality. It is a bitch. But damn its rewarding. Instead of food i find i need to
Nurture myself
Deal with my feelings
Accept that i have them
And find non-food distracters (W.o.W., D, etc)

"My American Girls"

I saw an awesome, awesome documentary today. Honest. Human. Touching. Personal. It made me cry and laugh and cry again. If ever i was so bold to dare pursue the field of filmmaking, this would be exactly the type of film i would aspire to make. It seems to me that the best stories are real ones, told in the words of those characters living them, and this filmmaker did a terrific job of stepping out of the way and allowing us to hear them speak.

I did it! I went! I've never been to an all-women's gym before and it was an interesting change. I think i liked it. I'm jazzed. Jazzed to get buff and healthy and hot. I've got one life, and i'm not going to waste any more of it feeling bad and not taking care of myself. I deserve better. We all do!

Uneventful But Lovely

Ellen Degeneres is funny. I like her.

But I should go work out. I shouldn't use the word "should" because its a bad word. "Shoulding" on yourself isn't nice.

Ok fine. I "ought" to?

But i don't feel like it.

I'm tired. My eyes hurt. I'm in my nightgown thing. I don't have any workout clothes. I am afraid. Oh! I am afraid? Is that why i haven't gone yet? What am i afraid of? I don't know. What could there be to be afraid of?

I wonder how D's appointment is going? Did i keep him up last night while he "slept." He did seem to wake up alot and he didn't say goodbye to me this morning. I hope i didn't keep him up and he's mad. That would majorly suck.

Yesterday felt like such a good day between us. It was so sweet. Happy. Even if we didn't do anything for Valentines day, it doesn't matter. I felt loved. Just by the way we treated each other. I told him it was my first V day with somone i really cared about. Roses wouldn't have made that any more special.

I just saw someone's blog entitled "So-and-so's Picture of the Day. " What a great idea! I wanna make one too! But maybe less anonymous than this blog. Simply displaying images of my life doesn't seem as precarious as say, detailing my angst-ridden inner workings in narrative form.

Did i tell you i finally caved in/did it? A gym membership! Its right next door, and i can start anytime. Thought it was time for that little extra metabolic boost and toning. Afterall, can't hurt to have some muscleature (nice word) for more precise, powerful remote control and keyboard striking. Right?! Naw, D estimates i'm at the 50lb down mark and i estimate 50-70 to go before i'm a bonified hooooT-IE. Actually, i really intended to say "HOTTY" just then, but upon further reflection, perhaps "HOOTY" is more fitting anyway. Freud knows best.
....Anyway, what a strange universe that will be. I'll have no idea how to relate or get my bearings. Maybe i'll have to start a new blog, "My Strange Life As a Skinny Girl," as surely it'll be that foreign. As if i suddenly morphed into a bazarre alien body. And i imagine that's how i'll be treated.
Yipes.
I'm scared.

Yesterday the D'ster and myself drove an hour north into the rustic woods to join 20 of his closest relatives at his Uncle's birthday party. I already felt so out-of-place with my new-ish body. Its nice, but..........
odd.
That self-consciousness layered like a stinky sardine on top of my customary social awkwardness sandwich left me mostly sitting around wishing i could either sleep it off or stuff my face with salami and barbeque chip hors d'oeuvres in a nice dark corner somewhere. Instead, i sat still, averting eye contact during painfully elongated silences, and plastering my trusty plastic grin on my public crimson lips. If only i had a diet-popsicle for each time i've heard, "Are you always this quiet?" in my life. So what if i'm a good listener!? Is that a crime?!

But.....

I really do want his family to like me.....

::sigh:::

Generally, i bank on such displays of upturned lips to convince folks of my friendliness and goodwill. And for that matter, being fat has always come in handy too. I mean, think about it! How threatening can a roly-poly Campbell Soup Kid get?

Aren't those few extra pounds just lovable?! Or imagine, for a moment if you will the Stay Puft Marshmellow? Daunting demon?!

Ha! Or for that matter, how bout that Pillsbury Dough fella (R.I.P.). You know you can't deny, love handles and all, THOSE CHUBSTERS ARE CUTE!!

CUTE!! CUTE!!CUTE!!

Go ahead
POKE HIS 'LIL BELLY
................You know you want to.

But on the OTHER hand, how about skinny people? Yes they maybe admired (sortof) in a "i wish i was you and you were dead" kind of way, but you can't deny those little"you-better-stay-from-my-man-you-skinny-bitch-whore" in-between-the-line voices of contempt.

Come on.

I know you know what i'm talking about.

Need i say more?

Its a real delicate love-hate relationship, isn't it. We love to hate the people we love. We love to tear them down and make them the root of all evil. And skinny, beautiful women don't have it all easy. They intimidate people. They make people mad. They're assumed to be dummies. They're not supposed to be funny. And they definately lose friends.

So, what am i doing?! Oh no!

I think i'm gonna go see if there's still a box of twinkies still lying around. Just in case.

Mass Hypnosis

Ok, I have to say it;

Its a major pain in the booty trying to write with the tv on.

There. I said it.

It sweeps me up into it's pixelated clutches and holds me captively spaced out on its pseudo carpet ride. It inteferes with my train of....
What was i saying?
Not that i don't enjoy it. It tells interesting stories. Brings imaginary friends into our lives. They talk to us and keep us company.
It passes time.
But there's a reason i went cold turkey a decade ago and decided to abstain. I was addicted as child. My family life revolved around it. Like most modern day Americans, it was the hearth of the home; we sat every night beside each other, wide-eyed and vacant. No one dared speak to disrupt the order. No one dared leave. Night after night, year after year we sat captive on our cushions; gaping mouths closed only for commercial-break food retrieval or mad-dashes for biology relief.
It provided my worldview. A life outside our dormant, unsatisfed walls. But once i left for college, no longer wanting to be controlled by any one electronic entity, it made sense to me to disconnect for a bit while attempting to assemble an alternative paradigm minus super models and diet pill ads. Also, i figured, without tv as a crutch, i'd be forced to find other activites to insert its place. I managed almost a decade of this respite. Did it work? Yes and no. But i can't elaborate now. Law and order is coming on and i can't miss the intro.

Shhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Talk to me during commercials!!!!!

Just added some nifty doo-dads at the bottom of the page. (On-line user counter and a refer-a-friend link) However, i sure wish i knew a thing or two about computering as i'd like to spiff up this page to a much greater extent. IE: neato images, info-bars, stuff like that...
Ah well, some day..........

Creating Continuity

oh i am tired... taking each of my old posts from my first blog, copying and pasting here, and then adding a date doesn't seem that bad.... but it is taking FOREVER... i think i will stop now and begin again later...

::yawn::::

Finally

Well, good news. (??!)

I'm takin care of bid-ness baby!

Over the past 2 days i've (FINALLY) summoned the hutzpah required to respond to a bunch of emails from an assortment of friends/family that i've completely neglected for many, many months. (But less than years!) Its funny the reverse logic; the more important the person is, the more i am touched by what they've said, the more i long to respond in kind - passionately, heartfelt and with great attention to detail, the less inclined i am to actually do it. I get all stupefyed and stuck. ::cut to inner dialogue:::

"Ummmm.... Er.... Welllllll..... I don't really the have time right now (Note: I am unemployed)... And i'm not really in the mood.... And, i'm kinda a little bit tired, "sort-a...(we sleep only 10ish hours a night not counting catnaps throughout our terribly ::cough cough:: strenous days) And, um, i'm not really sure what to say... And, um, i wanna say just the right thing, and, well.... yeah.... I gotta get caught up with my W.o.W. gaming so, (anything less than 8 hours a day would be criminal and at very least reflect poor priorities) SO, um.... What was i thinking about doing again? Yeah okay, back to the game!"

And then i mark them "unread" for future attention which begins a relationship which provokes regret, shame and daily mental flogging as they stare menacingly back at me in my inbox and i continue to wait for "just the right time" to attend to them. Read: Never.

But, today i did it! I wrote! A dancing friend in Japan, my dance teacher, my brother, my mothers brother, my father's sister, an old buddy from elementary school/highschool honors classes/college who i now live near and may get together with soon, a dear dear friend from the Hawaii eating disorder group, 2 therapists there (which was awkward; what do i write? we're not in a professional relationship now, yet, we obviously are still connected, so, what are we? friends? what do i write? how detailed do i get? what's an appropriate amount of detail to include without an exchange of greenback)....... Also a colleague at the school for at-risk kids i taught at, a cousin, and, .... you get the idea.... Pretty much everyone but Mr. A (old highschool english teacher) whom i still have not been able to cross the threshold. His last email to me (about 6 months ago) included a loooooong list of questions to which i couldn't/didn't know how/but wanted desparately to answer re: my impulsive move to New York and D.... He is perhaps my most treasured pen-pal friendship.

Anyway, yay me.... And in the spirit of kicking ass, i've also begun, (FINALLY) to go back to my inital blog before shutting down shop, and reposting the entries with the original dates... Cuz, as a human being, a reserve the right to change my mind. That'll take a while to finish, but at least i've started... Its interesting to peruse those posts from a year ago... So depressive, so resigned.... Its interesting to see where i've come from....

ok... see ya soon! say hi somtime.... i'd like to hear from you... yes you... right there.. reading this now..... you....

aloha,

indigo

Why create art?

"If I could say it in words there would be no reason to paint."
—Edward Hopper

"Art evokes the mystery without which the world would not exist."
—Rene Magritte

Lamentation

Who do you want me to be?
How can i please you? How will you be happy?
Is there anything at all that i can do as without hesitation, i will do it.
Anything.
Everything.
More.
I want you to be satisifed.
Happy.
And at peace.
I want you to glow again.
Radiate and sparkle the way you ought to.
The way you were meant to be.
The way we'd planned before i crossed that vast ocean to greet you and our dreams.
Where are you now? So far away. And sadly the ocean seems almost wider though you are inches away.
So, you are miserable. "Dead... Uninspired....disgusted"
If i was once your muse, how does that reflect upon me?
I'm not what you'd hoped for?
Much less then the dream?

I wish for loving. Talking. Less staring at screens
I wish to learn more about you every day.
But if need-be
you leave me,
we'll make it okay
Because I wish beyond everything,
that you be happy.

My Embarrassing List

Careers that have appealed to me throughout my life but remain hopelessly unexplored due to my inability to decide or prioritize

Public Interest Law
Photography (portrait, photojournalism)
Visual Art (drawing/painting, graphic art, webdesign)
Music (composition, keyboard, guitar, drums)
Dan ce (In dia n dance performer, modern/hybrid choreography)
In dia n Da nce Teaching/Research
Theater (acting, backstage, directing)
Screenwriting (stage/film)
Pysch/Counseling (private practice, creative arts therapy: drama/music/art)
Teaching (at-risk highschoolers primarily considered)
Teaching art/drama to at-risk kids
Teaching in prisons
Juvenile Justice Reform Advocate - Justice worker - political activist
Sociology (but um, is there a job in this field ?)
Teaching here... the most kickass college in the country
Writing/producing/directing films (documentaries appeal to me)
Something involving travel (travel writing, travel photography, um, would be open to other things that i don't yet know exist)
Motivational speaking (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH- THE IRONY DOES NOT ESCAPE ME)
Unitarian Universalist Ministry (i'm not religious)
Screen acting
Auto-mechanics (well, not so much as a career, but a hobby)
Da nc e Ethnography

Extra Clueless list
Careers that would be considered even more fleeting than the former bewildered considerations

Journalism ????
Massage Therapy ??
Writing ???? Er, something???

The moral of the story, er, post?

Please Help. I need it bad.

PS: Just fyi: i've remained deliberately vague re: the I n di a n D n ce although many times now and in the past i've wanted to write more about it since its very important to me. However, because i feel a need to remain anonymous and unfound by both my teacher/g ur u and fellow d n c rs, i abstain for fear that greater specificity may lead to an unfortunate mishap whereby this site pops up in a search engine or somethin as equally horrific.... Know what i mean, my jellybeans?

Transition

Oh my. Time to go back to work, i suppose. What am i going to do? Where am i going to start? I don't know my way around here since we've gone virtually nowhere. I'm at a loss. I don't even know what field to pursue anymore. It will be so strange to leave the comfort and security of this studio and his company. Perhaps the longer i stay in, the more intimidated and anxious i feel. How will it change the dynamics of our relationship? Will he be lonely without me here, or will he feel relief to again have alone time? Both? Will he resent me? Will he be proud of me? Will he wish he could work too?

A few days ago we had a 6 month anniversary of the date we met and moved in together, so he told me. Is that possible? Its been six months of being together. Talking, sleeping, playing on-line games, watching tv and eating. He met my parents and entire extended family the second month at a terrifying family event. I met his too and spent Thanskgiving at his Grandmothers. He's hinted to his best friends that we might get married and introduced me to strangers as his fiancee.

How did this all happen? How did i get to this strange state, so many thousands of miles away from my former home? What will our future be? Will it be a collective one? Its so hard to know and even harder to believe in. Love is scary. There is so much potential for hurt. Then again, so much capacity for joy. Despite the various moments of strain and tension and uncertainty since embarking upon this journey, these have been perhaps the most lovely and fullfilled months of my life. I really can see us being togther. I think this might work out!