Oct 30, 2005
I feel an insatiable hunger that's scaring me. It reminds me what I keep forgetting - to research this area and find an eating disorder support group. I guess I'm not as much in clear as I had hoped several months ago. This is dissapointing. I've been considering working out but...... I have so little energy lately.
I don't really do things on the weekend. Or during the week. Actually I really don't do things. Not for a long time. I think maybe this is not good and I need to become active. But. I'm not sure what, where or how. Besides, I don't like to leave the comfort of our studio. And most especially, I don't like to leave the Cutie. Is this unhealthy. Not sure what to do... I find this sort of embarrassing. And pathetic. I feel like a blob. An unattractive, inactive, boring blob.
Oct 28, 2005
I haven't written much since
starting this new job because by the time I get home I'm emotionally and psychologically absolutely wiped out. Strained. Close to tears. In my unbiased, professional opinion, its pretty much a nut house. And its so unfortunate because it doesn't have to be that way! So much stress! So much chaos! So many tears! And hurt feelings! And this all I've observed in the very short period of 3 weeks since I've begun. Poor, poor, everyone. Staff and employer(Dr) alike. Just a bunch of mixed up miscommunication leaving everyone feeling like crap - unappreciated and misunderstood. Disrespected and angry. Every day all day long are the tirades, threats of walking out, rages. Oy vey. It's hard to be there. More soon... (I hope.) The cutie just got home!
Oct 26, 2005
Oct 23, 2005
I'm down
Spontenous liquid erruptions are unpredictable at best. I'm tired of it. Tired. I wish I could get a grip. A lasting, believable grip.
Oct 22, 2005
Dear Mom & Dad,
Hi Mom and Dad,
Guess what Mom, we're watching your favorite show - The Golden Girls!!! It's so funny!
The Cutie and I are laughing it up. I remember you used to watch it all the time when I was growing up.
I'm really sorry to hear about Dad's face infections... It sounds so uncomfortable and awful!
Is it getting any better? Worse? The same? I hope it goes away soon! How's the blood
count?
You can definately tell the weather is turning over here. It's much colder now and drizzling/raining I just got back from taking The Puppy on a walk. She's so funny. When its wet outside, she'll stop in the doorway in the tiny little dry patch under the overhang, plant her feet and look at me with big pleading brown eyes. I'll walk the distance of the retractable leash, then have to bend down and call her over and again and finally she'll skeptically inch towards me.
Then we walked down the street to Dunkin donughts to get a coffee and bagel. But now it's 9:45pm. (I started this email this morning at 10am) and I forgot what I was talking about.
Haha.
The job is surprisingly stressful... Ridiculously so. But guess what! A lady from the temp service emailed me Thursday and said she'd just had lunch with Jim, the HR guy from the College. According to the Temp Service, he'd said the college would love to have me back any time and would MAKE a position for me! Isn't that the nicest thing ever? So, maybe I'll work my way back.
Yesterday there was an incident where I became upset while the Dr was "talking" to me (but sounded like scolding) and I felt it was uncalled for and demoralizing (which is her M.O.) but this time it was just too much and she wasn't hearing that what she was asking that I do was EXACTLY what I did! Out of frustration as she went on and on, I began finally to tear up and walked away and she followed me, apologizing and exclaiming, "Don't leave! (the job) I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm not mad." and how just that day 2 or 3 people had commented
on how nice the "new person" at the desk was and on the phone too and how great I was and how smart and that's why she hired me. Then at that point, because I was all embarrassed and felt I needed to explain myself, I told her it was just an accumulation of things - the general stress level in the office is extremely high and people are in a constant state of defensive panic and are intimidated. How there are an abundance of inconsistancies and conflicting ideas about how things are supposed to be done. I mentioned that it was "hard to hear" her at times not because her "feedback" was invalid or unwarranted, but that it comes at difficult times; ie: when 3 patients are holding on the phone, patients are checking in and out simultaneously,etc. making it not an ideal time for a "teaching moment" (translation lengthly lecture. (It may not sound like much, but believe me, each involves a host of detailed and laborious steps that if are omitted or done incorrectly will likely invite further lecture/correction.) IT'S EXTREMELY HECTIC. People running to and from, charts everywhere, papers flying, conversations layering
on top of each other, and tense employees snapping at each other. The office manager is frantic and makes thing worse. Everyone is frantic. And the doctor compounds it many times over
by storming at and giving diatribes while impatient tired patients wait, listening..... We saw almost 40 people in one day last week! Too many! Anyway, I'm babbling, but the moral of the story is the doctor seemed appreciative of my honest feedback and even said, "Nobdy ever suggested that before!!!! I'm going to try that!" And even called an impromptu staff meeting at the end of the day to discuss her thoughts. I figure, what the heck, i've got one foot in and foot out so I might as well share my observations with her. If nothing else, I'd like to leave the it a better place for the people who are stuck there and too afraid to speak up for themselves.
It's a shame! Everyone and I mean EVERYONE is miserable. I think she'd be willing to do certain things different, if only people asked for it - but she seems to be simply oblivious to the level of dissatisfaction of her employees. In fact, the office manager told me that she's known for making her staff cry on a regular basis!
Anyway, probably easier to describe on the phone, but its a good challenge.... I do like her personally, but, i think she just needs to loosen up a bit. She's very driven & meticulous and perfectionistic. She doesn't eat or use the bathroom in a 10 hour day and seems vicariously to expect the same of her office. What she doesn't understnad is that it drives them away
and makes them afraid of her.
Talk to you soon,
Indigo
Guess what Mom, we're watching your favorite show - The Golden Girls!!! It's so funny!
The Cutie and I are laughing it up. I remember you used to watch it all the time when I was growing up.
I'm really sorry to hear about Dad's face infections... It sounds so uncomfortable and awful!
Is it getting any better? Worse? The same? I hope it goes away soon! How's the blood
count?
You can definately tell the weather is turning over here. It's much colder now and drizzling/raining I just got back from taking The Puppy on a walk. She's so funny. When its wet outside, she'll stop in the doorway in the tiny little dry patch under the overhang, plant her feet and look at me with big pleading brown eyes. I'll walk the distance of the retractable leash, then have to bend down and call her over and again and finally she'll skeptically inch towards me.
Then we walked down the street to Dunkin donughts to get a coffee and bagel. But now it's 9:45pm. (I started this email this morning at 10am) and I forgot what I was talking about.
Haha.
The job is surprisingly stressful... Ridiculously so. But guess what! A lady from the temp service emailed me Thursday and said she'd just had lunch with Jim, the HR guy from the College. According to the Temp Service, he'd said the college would love to have me back any time and would MAKE a position for me! Isn't that the nicest thing ever? So, maybe I'll work my way back.
Yesterday there was an incident where I became upset while the Dr was "talking" to me (but sounded like scolding) and I felt it was uncalled for and demoralizing (which is her M.O.) but this time it was just too much and she wasn't hearing that what she was asking that I do was EXACTLY what I did! Out of frustration as she went on and on, I began finally to tear up and walked away and she followed me, apologizing and exclaiming, "Don't leave! (the job) I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm not mad." and how just that day 2 or 3 people had commented
on how nice the "new person" at the desk was and on the phone too and how great I was and how smart and that's why she hired me. Then at that point, because I was all embarrassed and felt I needed to explain myself, I told her it was just an accumulation of things - the general stress level in the office is extremely high and people are in a constant state of defensive panic and are intimidated. How there are an abundance of inconsistancies and conflicting ideas about how things are supposed to be done. I mentioned that it was "hard to hear" her at times not because her "feedback" was invalid or unwarranted, but that it comes at difficult times; ie: when 3 patients are holding on the phone, patients are checking in and out simultaneously,etc. making it not an ideal time for a "teaching moment" (translation lengthly lecture. (It may not sound like much, but believe me, each involves a host of detailed and laborious steps that if are omitted or done incorrectly will likely invite further lecture/correction.) IT'S EXTREMELY HECTIC. People running to and from, charts everywhere, papers flying, conversations layering
on top of each other, and tense employees snapping at each other. The office manager is frantic and makes thing worse. Everyone is frantic. And the doctor compounds it many times over
by storming at and giving diatribes while impatient tired patients wait, listening..... We saw almost 40 people in one day last week! Too many! Anyway, I'm babbling, but the moral of the story is the doctor seemed appreciative of my honest feedback and even said, "Nobdy ever suggested that before!!!! I'm going to try that!" And even called an impromptu staff meeting at the end of the day to discuss her thoughts. I figure, what the heck, i've got one foot in and foot out so I might as well share my observations with her. If nothing else, I'd like to leave the it a better place for the people who are stuck there and too afraid to speak up for themselves.
It's a shame! Everyone and I mean EVERYONE is miserable. I think she'd be willing to do certain things different, if only people asked for it - but she seems to be simply oblivious to the level of dissatisfaction of her employees. In fact, the office manager told me that she's known for making her staff cry on a regular basis!
Anyway, probably easier to describe on the phone, but its a good challenge.... I do like her personally, but, i think she just needs to loosen up a bit. She's very driven & meticulous and perfectionistic. She doesn't eat or use the bathroom in a 10 hour day and seems vicariously to expect the same of her office. What she doesn't understnad is that it drives them away
and makes them afraid of her.
Talk to you soon,
Indigo
Oct 15, 2005
[Old] home
My buddy sent me this shot today. Did I really live there? Funny how you stop seeing things after a while. [Click on image to zoom]
Oct 11, 2005
7:30am
Made a cup of chai, and browsing email and your blogs before getting ready for work. The Cutie and Puppyare peacefully snoozing to my right. The Cutie looks so sweet when he is sleeping. I want to squeeze and hug him up but I will not disturb him as its so hard for him to get sleep. I've had semi-anxious dreams for some time now. I'd like to record them, but, I need to devise a method for doing that while still drowsy. Where can I type without being disruptive in this studio? It may just have to wait.. I do remember I was naked when my parents arrived home and my dad "playfully" choked my neck from behind. I was livid and felt violated. I tried on a new behavior and angrily expressed my outrage to which he and the Brother & Mother dissmissively ignored and laughed at. Then my extended family began to arrive and we were all sitting around a table: cousins, aunts, grandfather, etc. I anxiously continued, wailing and emoting and desparate to be heard. The looked on skeptically with faces that registered I was either ridiculous or had lost my mind. Then finally one quasi supportive comment from my old therapist J who said something about my feelings being valid, followed up by comment from 2 old professors, and lastly my 8th grad english teacher (who I guess had become interested be the prefivious vein introduced by the professors) closed the discussion by saying something very complicated (but interesting) (but over my family's heads) about existentialism and whatnot.
The End.
Gotta go clean up and put on my lovely SCRUBS. haha... I feel so silly wearing those things but boy are they convenient!
The End.
Gotta go clean up and put on my lovely SCRUBS. haha... I feel so silly wearing those things but boy are they convenient!
Oct 9, 2005
Voyage Out
We left the studio together today and saw "Flight Plan." Not bad. I really appreciate Jodie Foster's presence. I like watching her. In the lobby some Soprano actor
was there I guess to sign outgraphs. Strangely no one seemed to be paying any attention to him except two little girls who he was quizzing about whether they liked the movie or not. Maybe he figured - since he had to be there anyway that he might as well shoot the shit.
<-----This guy... (I never would have known who he was since I've never seen the Sopranos.) But the cutie noticed that he looked familiar after we walked by.
was there I guess to sign outgraphs. Strangely no one seemed to be paying any attention to him except two little girls who he was quizzing about whether they liked the movie or not. Maybe he figured - since he had to be there anyway that he might as well shoot the shit.<-----This guy... (I never would have known who he was since I've never seen the Sopranos.) But the cutie noticed that he looked familiar after we walked by.
Oct 8, 2005
I got stuck in an elevator with a man who didn't speak English and
that was the highlight of my day. The porter had to pry us out. It was hot and humid and I focused my attention to the cement in front of my eyes so I wouldn't lapse into panic when wondering about whether there was enough air. It didn't take long though, and I still made it to work in time. Lucky I left a half an hour early!
Finished work at 2:30 but I still feel run over by a truck. Chaos, disorder, frantic fearful coworkers intimidated by the long-winded doctor. Finger pointing and white lies by frazzled workers trying to dodge responsibility for things they shouldn't yet be expected to do. And then there's me stuck in the middle. One person ordering me to do one thing and then being scolded by someone else for doing it. Either being barked at to do obvious things, or vital information is witheld. Once I know how to do everything (on my own) it should be much better. I won't have to rely on unqualified/impatient/jumpy coworkers for my support. But for now, what a headache!
Finished work at 2:30 but I still feel run over by a truck. Chaos, disorder, frantic fearful coworkers intimidated by the long-winded doctor. Finger pointing and white lies by frazzled workers trying to dodge responsibility for things they shouldn't yet be expected to do. And then there's me stuck in the middle. One person ordering me to do one thing and then being scolded by someone else for doing it. Either being barked at to do obvious things, or vital information is witheld. Once I know how to do everything (on my own) it should be much better. I won't have to rely on unqualified/impatient/jumpy coworkers for my support. But for now, what a headache!
Oct 7, 2005
Today was better yet. The Office Manager is warm and friendly. The pace is unreal which in a way is fun because it creates a challenge. 3 phone lines ringing while 4 patients walk in, while making appointments for patients checking out and posting payments, etc. I like having a job. I like working. I like being around people again. Its good.
Oct 6, 2005
Should I get a nose job? I really like Lana's nose on Smallville. Which of her features makes her so beautiful?
Day 3 of the Medical Office job, but in actuality, it felt more like Day 1 since for the first time there were patients (LOTS OF THEM), 2 doctors, and 3 additional coworkers on site. 3 of us are brand new, 2 reasonably new. What a mess! Total chaos. Total disorder. Total panic attacks all around me. Given the circumstances, I must say I'm quite happy with myself. I was dilligent about staying calm despite other being constantly pressured by impatience and anxiety. My goal was to absorb as much information as possible under the circumstances and tune out the extraneous tension. I think I accomplished it! I learned alot and enjoyed the challenge.
When I came home I walked the Hot Dog, ate the take-out lo-mein The Cutie surprised me with and now we're watching Smalville together. So, I guess this begins our routine! I kinda like it! And I think it will be good for our relationship to have some time apart. We can look forward to seeing eachother at night instead of staring at each other all morning, day and night.
Seakitty is having a baby!
Wow!
WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!
Big news!
I've been thinking alot about the concept ever since I moved in with The Cutie. Will I ever have kids? Would I be a good parent? Will the Cutie ever want them? How would they affect our relationship? Sometimes I think it would be awesomely fun. Sometimes I think it will never happen. I don't know. I talked to my friend Anj about it over the weekend. She's concerned that she's not ready because she still has "issues" and can be "critical" and wouldn't want to put a little one through that. I told her that for the decade+ that I've known her, I've always considered her to be one of the most nurturing, loving, thoughtful and kind people I've ever known. And even if she was critical, at least she, unlike most people, would be self-aware enough to be able to recongnize the feelings and mold her behavior accordingly. Also, I made the point that she shouldn't expect herself to be perfect. And if she was to wait until she was perfect, it could be too long! And that's ok! We don't have to be perfect - not for our children, each other or even ourselves. And be expecting and embracing that, we model for our children that that's okay! We don't have to hate ourselves for making mistakes! The best thing we can do is talk about that and process it as a part the human experience and try to constantly learn and improve ourselves along the way.
Ok then. So now that I think about it, maybe i don't need a nosejob afterall.
Day 3 of the Medical Office job, but in actuality, it felt more like Day 1 since for the first time there were patients (LOTS OF THEM), 2 doctors, and 3 additional coworkers on site. 3 of us are brand new, 2 reasonably new. What a mess! Total chaos. Total disorder. Total panic attacks all around me. Given the circumstances, I must say I'm quite happy with myself. I was dilligent about staying calm despite other being constantly pressured by impatience and anxiety. My goal was to absorb as much information as possible under the circumstances and tune out the extraneous tension. I think I accomplished it! I learned alot and enjoyed the challenge.
When I came home I walked the Hot Dog, ate the take-out lo-mein The Cutie surprised me with and now we're watching Smalville together. So, I guess this begins our routine! I kinda like it! And I think it will be good for our relationship to have some time apart. We can look forward to seeing eachother at night instead of staring at each other all morning, day and night.
Seakitty is having a baby!
Wow!
WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!
Big news!
I've been thinking alot about the concept ever since I moved in with The Cutie. Will I ever have kids? Would I be a good parent? Will the Cutie ever want them? How would they affect our relationship? Sometimes I think it would be awesomely fun. Sometimes I think it will never happen. I don't know. I talked to my friend Anj about it over the weekend. She's concerned that she's not ready because she still has "issues" and can be "critical" and wouldn't want to put a little one through that. I told her that for the decade+ that I've known her, I've always considered her to be one of the most nurturing, loving, thoughtful and kind people I've ever known. And even if she was critical, at least she, unlike most people, would be self-aware enough to be able to recongnize the feelings and mold her behavior accordingly. Also, I made the point that she shouldn't expect herself to be perfect. And if she was to wait until she was perfect, it could be too long! And that's ok! We don't have to be perfect - not for our children, each other or even ourselves. And be expecting and embracing that, we model for our children that that's okay! We don't have to hate ourselves for making mistakes! The best thing we can do is talk about that and process it as a part the human experience and try to constantly learn and improve ourselves along the way.
Ok then. So now that I think about it, maybe i don't need a nosejob afterall.
Oct 5, 2005
Day 2 - Doctor Office Job
It was okay..... Another "non-patient" day. Tomorrow is supposedly going to be absolutely "crazy" and hectic. But, honestly, I really don't care, nor am I concerned as everyone expects I would be. I can only do what I can! If anyone has a problem with a lack of mastery on my part, then I'd say they are totally out of touch with what's realistic. We'll see. They've really painted a negative picture of the doctor! (She hasn't been in yet.) Actually, I'm kinda of looking forward to seeing what happens. =)
Is it me?
Am I unsociable? Uppity? Elitist? Cold?
Spazmodic. Hyper. Childish. Unprofessional. Draining.
Comes to mind when I think of Coworker #1. She's been in charge of ::COUGH COUGH:: "training" me. She talks with the speed of an auctioneer but none of the clarity. Instead, her breakneck speed "explanations" fade in and out of comprehension due to a horrible lack of articulation and mumbling. Is it the tongue ring? I don't know but REALLY aggravates me is asking a specific clarifiying question and receiving a long, rapid-fire of totally unrelated information. Listening skills coworker! Listening skills! Why can't she please please please just cut it short and say something akin to, "yes, that's correct -twenty five." Instead of the 5 minute undecipharable meandering babble!
Fun but:
Overbearing. Brash. Demeaning. Raunchy (unprofessional) Grandiose sense of self importance though average intelligence. Condescending.
Comes to mind when thinking of The Bossy Office Manager.
And I strongly dislike the way she regularly bad mouths people without hesitation. Even if they're down around the corner! Yeah yeah yeah - I may be badmouthing now - but it's anonymous so it doesn't count! These are just my private shameful thoughts! Not advertised for all to know through office gossip!
Do I sound bitchy or what
Today was supposedly "the easy day." (No patients.) Tomorrow is is supposed to be a whole other ball game.
Spazmodic. Hyper. Childish. Unprofessional. Draining.
Comes to mind when I think of Coworker #1. She's been in charge of ::COUGH COUGH:: "training" me. She talks with the speed of an auctioneer but none of the clarity. Instead, her breakneck speed "explanations" fade in and out of comprehension due to a horrible lack of articulation and mumbling. Is it the tongue ring? I don't know but REALLY aggravates me is asking a specific clarifiying question and receiving a long, rapid-fire of totally unrelated information. Listening skills coworker! Listening skills! Why can't she please please please just cut it short and say something akin to, "yes, that's correct -twenty five." Instead of the 5 minute undecipharable meandering babble!
Fun but:
Overbearing. Brash. Demeaning. Raunchy (unprofessional) Grandiose sense of self importance though average intelligence. Condescending.
Comes to mind when thinking of The Bossy Office Manager.
And I strongly dislike the way she regularly bad mouths people without hesitation. Even if they're down around the corner! Yeah yeah yeah - I may be badmouthing now - but it's anonymous so it doesn't count! These are just my private shameful thoughts! Not advertised for all to know through office gossip!
Do I sound bitchy or what
Today was supposedly "the easy day." (No patients.) Tomorrow is is supposed to be a whole other ball game.
Oct 4, 2005
Hi Mom and Dad,
Hi Mom and Dad,
I'd say it was - well - i guess - mediocre.... Easier to describe over the phone, but it seems like possibly some difficult personalities to contend with (mainly.) I'll play it by ear and try not to make too many judgments yet. It took only a couple minutes to get there... About a 1/2 mile away, which we like! The office manager (who's also new) is trying to figure things out herself but alluded to the possibility of creating a "tech" like position to do the visual fields and eye photographs. I might like that so I wouldn't have to be confined to a desk with iffy coworkers and cranky elderly New Yorkers. (I understand the front desk people regularly get earfulls.) We'll see. I'll keep you posted.
On 10/4/05, parents wrote:
I'd say it was - well - i guess - mediocre.... Easier to describe over the phone, but it seems like possibly some difficult personalities to contend with (mainly.) I'll play it by ear and try not to make too many judgments yet. It took only a couple minutes to get there... About a 1/2 mile away, which we like! The office manager (who's also new) is trying to figure things out herself but alluded to the possibility of creating a "tech" like position to do the visual fields and eye photographs. I might like that so I wouldn't have to be confined to a desk with iffy coworkers and cranky elderly New Yorkers. (I understand the front desk people regularly get earfulls.) We'll see. I'll keep you posted.
On 10/4/05, parents wrote:
How did it go today?
I talked with my contact lens lady yesterday, and told her you would actually be working with patients. I asked her if you could learn a lot in the office setting like that. She said you could, and that after awhile you would need some additional training, but it was definitely possible to learn quite a lot.
We'll be anxious to hear what you thought today.
Love, Mom & Dad
Love, Mom & Dad
Oct 3, 2005
I'm still kickin'
Just a bit mute. So quick update.
The Monday after I walked off the office job, I started a temp job at a small local college. I loved it for many reasons and could have stayed but didn't because meanwhile an opthomolgist down the street called me for an interveiw and offerend me a position. I start tomorrow at 9:30am which I guess is good thing but I'm not excited. At all. But its a job and close by. I'm going to try to get serious about finding a grad school and taking evening classes. Because f I don't make something of myself I'm going to go crazy.
I hope to write more sooner than later. As always, I think out my posts every day. If only i had a keyboard with me more often...
The Monday after I walked off the office job, I started a temp job at a small local college. I loved it for many reasons and could have stayed but didn't because meanwhile an opthomolgist down the street called me for an interveiw and offerend me a position. I start tomorrow at 9:30am which I guess is good thing but I'm not excited. At all. But its a job and close by. I'm going to try to get serious about finding a grad school and taking evening classes. Because f I don't make something of myself I'm going to go crazy.
I hope to write more sooner than later. As always, I think out my posts every day. If only i had a keyboard with me more often...
Sep 11, 2005
I'm watching Agassi play Federerererer right now &
typing in between their points.
Go Agassi Go! 2 Sets down and he's tearin it up!
I've been in such a great mood the past couple days! Maybe because The Cutie has been in a good mood too? But we've been having fun together. Things have felt good. Comfortable. Happy. We're both such goofs. We sing impromptu diddies throughout the day like we're living in our own sophmoric musical - complete with spazmodic dance moves, nonsensical lyrics, and naughty neandertal themes. One of us busts out and the other picks jumps in - harmonizing and giving a beat. Oh there is no end to the tomfoolery up in 5D.
All this despite having to still frequently push down troubling pangs of guilt (despite everyone's encouragment that quitting was the right thing to do.) I just can't help worrying about The Bossman since he really did seems to be a genuinely nice person. (Despite the anger management issue.) I feel sort of sorry for him. And I think my letter might of made me sound like a real freak. Today I spent a few hours at the mall and kept thinking how awful it would be if I ever ran into him in public. I HATE THAT! I hate feeling like I've wronged someone. I haven't had that sense in a long time. That said, I'm still glad I don't have to friggin go back there again. That part is unquestionable a relief.
Sweet, Agassi just won the 3rd set! HA! After matched games and 3 dueces! Exciting! No wait. It was a tie. Dammit, Federline won the 3rd set! Arg!
So, I spent nearly all of my last paycheck today on a plain jane boring old black skirt, black slacks, a flowy blouse and 2 pairs of heels. I hated to do it, but had to - unless of course this office doesn't mind my wearing the same pair of jeans every day (which seems unlikely.) Plus they were size 16 which was - well - ok i'll say it - mildly dissapointing. (I may have gained some weight?)
Ack! 4 games lost to Federer! What's happening!? Nooooo!
Anyway, I was VERY grateful to actually find clothes that fit - and they will come in handy. Plain black will be versatile and inauspicious so I'll be able to get away with consequtive days of use.
Stupid Federer. The announcers are started to use the past tense in regards to the game. "Agassi gave it his all."
::frown::
Oh that FUCKER!
He just won.
POOey!
What was I talking about?
Oh poo. I don't know. I'm going to wash up the dinner dishes. (I made beans and rice because that's all we have in the cupboards.) Old Mother Hubbard. And poor Puppy just threw up! We suspect the antibiotics are making her sick. She's had some sort of skin infection hasn't cleared up since we've gotten her. The vet thinks its mites. Poor thing.
Agassi is being interviewed in front of the crowd. He's so humble and nice. How can you not like that guy? But, is he really only 35? For some reason he looks more like 50 to me. I dunno, is it the bald head? I can't believe he's still playing after all of these years. I remember when he was a wild long-haired kid that people dismissed as a flash in pan. Ha! Boy he showed them, didn't he?!
Oh phooey - now Federer is being nice. He's thanking everyone including Agassi and even encouraged him to keep playing so they can have some more fun. Darn it! Now why'd he have to go and be all sincere and nice and everything? Now how am I supposed to dislike him?!
Gar!
My butt is asleep from sitting on this floor.
Go Agassi Go! 2 Sets down and he's tearin it up!
I've been in such a great mood the past couple days! Maybe because The Cutie has been in a good mood too? But we've been having fun together. Things have felt good. Comfortable. Happy. We're both such goofs. We sing impromptu diddies throughout the day like we're living in our own sophmoric musical - complete with spazmodic dance moves, nonsensical lyrics, and naughty neandertal themes. One of us busts out and the other picks jumps in - harmonizing and giving a beat. Oh there is no end to the tomfoolery up in 5D.
All this despite having to still frequently push down troubling pangs of guilt (despite everyone's encouragment that quitting was the right thing to do.) I just can't help worrying about The Bossman since he really did seems to be a genuinely nice person. (Despite the anger management issue.) I feel sort of sorry for him. And I think my letter might of made me sound like a real freak. Today I spent a few hours at the mall and kept thinking how awful it would be if I ever ran into him in public. I HATE THAT! I hate feeling like I've wronged someone. I haven't had that sense in a long time. That said, I'm still glad I don't have to friggin go back there again. That part is unquestionable a relief.
Sweet, Agassi just won the 3rd set! HA! After matched games and 3 dueces! Exciting! No wait. It was a tie. Dammit, Federline won the 3rd set! Arg!
So, I spent nearly all of my last paycheck today on a plain jane boring old black skirt, black slacks, a flowy blouse and 2 pairs of heels. I hated to do it, but had to - unless of course this office doesn't mind my wearing the same pair of jeans every day (which seems unlikely.) Plus they were size 16 which was - well - ok i'll say it - mildly dissapointing. (I may have gained some weight?)
Ack! 4 games lost to Federer! What's happening!? Nooooo!
Anyway, I was VERY grateful to actually find clothes that fit - and they will come in handy. Plain black will be versatile and inauspicious so I'll be able to get away with consequtive days of use.
Stupid Federer. The announcers are started to use the past tense in regards to the game. "Agassi gave it his all."
::frown::
Oh that FUCKER!
He just won.
POOey!
What was I talking about?
Oh poo. I don't know. I'm going to wash up the dinner dishes. (I made beans and rice because that's all we have in the cupboards.) Old Mother Hubbard. And poor Puppy just threw up! We suspect the antibiotics are making her sick. She's had some sort of skin infection hasn't cleared up since we've gotten her. The vet thinks its mites. Poor thing.
Agassi is being interviewed in front of the crowd. He's so humble and nice. How can you not like that guy? But, is he really only 35? For some reason he looks more like 50 to me. I dunno, is it the bald head? I can't believe he's still playing after all of these years. I remember when he was a wild long-haired kid that people dismissed as a flash in pan. Ha! Boy he showed them, didn't he?!
Oh phooey - now Federer is being nice. He's thanking everyone including Agassi and even encouraged him to keep playing so they can have some more fun. Darn it! Now why'd he have to go and be all sincere and nice and everything? Now how am I supposed to dislike him?!
Gar!
My butt is asleep from sitting on this floor.
What I Currently Obsess About Most
80% of what I think about probably revolves around my relationship with The Cutie. I'd say the other 20% (which overlaps) would include;
I don't know, I guess I was just thinking about how much time women obsess on losing weight. How much potential happiness is lost on having a poor body image. How much collective energy on this planet is thown away on counting calories, attending diet clinics, taking "miracle pills", or trying the latest diet system. I wonder how much money is thrown away (and hours at work to pay for) superfluous clothing that we feel compelled to purchase to compensate for our damaged self-esteem and bedraggled media-blitzed egos. Imagine what would happen if we chose to channel even a fraction of that time to some other pursuit - perhaps something that nurtures our soul.
What if we said no?
We aren't going to do it anymore.
We aren't going to allow our waistline to dictate the course of our lives and happiness.
What if we never bought another fashion magazine?
What if we bombarded advertisers who capitalized on a sense of inadequacy to promote their products (ALL OF THEM) by telling them FUCK NO we don't need your crap and we won't accept your deceptive exploitative tactics.
- Finding a job
- My Blurry Unknown Future
- The Puppy
- Disordered Eating
- Distant friends & Family
- This Blog
- Your Blog!
- T.V. shows
- My past
- Cooking & Laundry
- Katrina
- Guilt about quitting
I don't know, I guess I was just thinking about how much time women obsess on losing weight. How much potential happiness is lost on having a poor body image. How much collective energy on this planet is thown away on counting calories, attending diet clinics, taking "miracle pills", or trying the latest diet system. I wonder how much money is thrown away (and hours at work to pay for) superfluous clothing that we feel compelled to purchase to compensate for our damaged self-esteem and bedraggled media-blitzed egos. Imagine what would happen if we chose to channel even a fraction of that time to some other pursuit - perhaps something that nurtures our soul.
What if we said no?
We aren't going to do it anymore.
We aren't going to allow our waistline to dictate the course of our lives and happiness.
What if we never bought another fashion magazine?
What if we bombarded advertisers who capitalized on a sense of inadequacy to promote their products (ALL OF THEM) by telling them FUCK NO we don't need your crap and we won't accept your deceptive exploitative tactics.
Sep 10, 2005
Can't remember - You tell me?
Hello.
Hello.
Hello. Hello. Hello. Should I post now, or not? Do I have anything to say? How about anything of value? How do I know if it's of value? Why would it be? Who would really care? I hardly care. I barely, barely care. So how would I believe that anyone else cares? Well that's a rather sad state of affairs isn't it? What does that tell me?
I really should get myself back into therapy. I think that would be really helpful. I wouldn't say that I'm officially in full-on relapse mode (re: eating disorder), but I would say that the past few months have been a struggle. Much more so than the previous year. I've been asking myself why. But honestly, I'm even a little superstitiously hesitant to think about it to much for fear of making things worse. You know, self-fulfilling prophesies and the like? Like, you can be having a perfectly good life until you think about it too much and stir things up and begin to unnecesarilly worry or obsess? Like, when you might have too much time on your hands to dwell and how things are or might go wrong rather than getting out into the world and acting. Experiencing. Performing. Accomplishing. Achieving? Does that sound glaringly Western? Is "glaringly" a word? Would a good buddhist be at peace without "achievement?" Do Westerners tie together "achievement" with accumulation and the tangible? Could I be a good buddhist? I mean, how could anybody go wrong with the middle-path anyway? I need to learn more.
I am SO glad that The Cutie is taking a nap right now. He blogged the other day that he feels like he hasn't slept in weeks which might be almost literally true. Is it true that after a few days without sleep you "go crazy?" Snoring, allerigies, back pain and anxiety keep him waking up constantly throughout the night. And now we can add Chilly's occasional nightime whimpering to the list. Poor guy. Why can't I heal his pains? I feel so helpless most of the time. I try so hard - usually I find the only route towards support is through OTC drugs: tums, xantax, oragel, aspirin, sudafed, metamucil, ensure, emergency sucrose gel, back support cushions, blood pressure gage, bandaids. Back rubs. Besides that, what can I do? What can I do? I can't do shit. I have to just sit and watch him feel miserable. And sometimes maybe he feels miserable that I am miserable seeing him be miserable which makes him more miserable than he would have been had I not been there making him think about something other than his own miserable feelings... (Clear as fog?)
Chronic pain.
It's a bitch.
Plus diabetes and it's a Bitches Bitch.
Plus allergies + heart problems + knee/should/hip + herniated disk + burning toe infections + burning, tingling, numb uncomfortable extremities + searing headaches + acid reflux + a fucked up eyeball filled with blurring fluid.
Will my writing this make him mad? Am i violating his privacy? I'm very nervous and wonder if I should ask him first before posting. Actually, to be honest, I've wanted to write about this almost every day but don't because of this nervousness. The only reason I typed it now is because I'm just blabbing whatever comes to mind without thinking.
Hmmm.
I wonder what I sound like discussing this. I hope not whining. I hope not like anything other than I'm concerned about him. He's the one in pain.
My friend A. suggested I find a support group for families of chronic pain sufferers. Does such a thing exist really? I wonder what it would be like, what would be discussed. Are there common forbidden "undisscussable" feelings that come out? Normalized? I hadn't thought of looking for such a thing before, although I have on occasion considered searching for some sort of Diabetes related support group. A place where I could talk to someone who'd know what it is to be gripped with the fear in the middle of the night - terrified that your lover's sugar may have dropped in his sleep - as you lay quietly watching, listening, feeling - trying not to wake him while looking for signs of normal breathing and consciousness.
Again, I don't know if such a thing exists, but it would be surprising to me if it didn't since it seems to be such a complicated all-consuming disease. I NEVER .....EVER..... EVER... could have imagined how difficult this disease was before meeting The Cutie. It's just absolutely horrible sometimes - the way it progressively damages the body throughout life. I'm not religious, but if I was, I wouldn't ever stop praying for a cure. I wish more people understood the affects of diabetes. And especially people at risk for Type 2 - it's one thing if you're born with it - but I imagine it's a whole different ball game when you develop Type 2 as an totally preventable biproduct of an unhealthy lifestyle. Talk about tragic waste. And adults have often have a much more difficult time adjusting which compounds the problematic effects.
Just please, stay healthy, don't get Diabetes if you can help it.
(And I'm speaking to myself here too.)
Working out and eating healthy is not just about vanity. I have to remind myself of this. Sometimes I feel silly/guilty about a desire to lose more weight. I have to remind myself that,
It's my birthright to be trim and healthy.
I don't have to feel bad. It's ok.
I wonder if people would think that that's a funny thing to have to tell myself. I wonder if they'll understand.
I've been at a plateau, I think, regarding my weight. As I've mentioned, I lost (naturally) about 50 pounds post-eating disorder group. I still am probably about 50 pounds over my ideal weight but have found the loss has slowed to a standstill. (I assume by my clothes as I don't weigh myself or have a full length mirror.) To be honest, I think I'm pretty afraid of losing more.
Uhoh. Puppy is stirring... I better get her before she wakes the Cutie.
Ope. He's up.
Well I'll go take her out to pee real quick in case that's why she's whimpering.
Back.
That was a quick trip!
I am SO loving that little puppy!
She gets so much attention everywhere we go. Puppies are like the ultimate social lubricant. People see her and burst into smiles. They gush over her cuteness with childlike enthusiasm They launch into "dog talk" without hesitation. "How old is she? What's her name? Is she a weiner dog?" Or their faces soften as they begin their detailed reminiscing;
"I had a dog. Her name was Lucy. She lived to be 16 years." etc
When I walk her, everyone I meet seems to have something to say either to her, about her, or dogs in general. One might even begin to believe that the even the crankiest, hardest, most suspicious of New Yorkers would be unable to resist her charms. I just love watching them melt.
Oh!
Lucky The Cutie woke up!
He had to drive his Uncle, who was next door painting, back home to the Bronx. (I thought he was going at 8:00pm but I didn't realize they had changed the time to 6:00.) I don't think I mentioned that The Cutie's mother bought an apartment in our complex and will be moving in within a week! That's so crazy! I wonder if we'll see her often? Her brother was here today painting her walls, getting the 1 bedroom apartment ready for her to move in.
Awwww.
Speak of the devil.
The puppy started pawing at my knees as I'm typing on my lap, and I picked her up to say "Hi." She curled up and promptly fell sound asleep. Her head is on my left shoulder, nuzzled under my chin, and her body is draped down ike a baby. She's so snuggly. I want to melt. Wish I could reach the camera to show you. I love it when she sleeps on my lap.
A couple days ago she woke me when she started pawing at her "cage" at 4am which she's never done before so I guessed she urgently needed to pee and I sleepily got up to take her out. When I came back, instead of getting into bed and putting her back into her cage, I sat on the couch, let her sit on my lap, but a blanket over us, and we both fell fast asleep. The cool thing was - I had the nicest, most happy and peaceful dreams! It was really amazing because just before I she woke me, I'd been plagued with unpleasant, bleah dreams - probably due to the anxiety and shame and guilt surrounding having walked off the office job. I think she comforted me. Is that annoyingly syrupy? I imagine it might be. Are you still reading this? I would be surprised because I think I've been typing for like, ever.
hahaha...
Well, if you are that die-hard, (bored?), (obsessive-compulsive?), (driven.....?) (what?) (you tell me!) Then I'll tell you that I am so proud of myself today! Why? Because I did something that is totally innane, and inconsequential to the average Joe - but to me - AMAZINGLY AWESOME?! What - you ask? HOUSEWORK?! Who the hell cares - you wonder? Because I am terribly domestically deficient! Because doing the simplest of tasks seems to require monumental momentum. Because I can't ususally seem to get myself to care. Or I just forget.
The Cutie was out of the apartment for a couple hours (picking up the Uncle) and I seized the opportunity and went to town! I whizzed around like a mad woman, hoping to sparkle it up so he'd be happily surprised when he returned. And by the time he returned, I'd finished 3 loads of laundry, all the dishes, thrown out all the trash-i, vaccumed, swept, and straightened up the kitchen which mainly involved throwing out The Cutie's 20-30 empty packs of Diet Coke.
So, today I think I rock!
When I don't do these things I feel so guilty. So ashamed.
But today I rock! I think I'm looking forward to when it happens again.
heh heh
What are you up to today?
Wanna have a competition - who can write the longest post?
I betcha so far I'm winning!
Hello.
Hello. Hello. Hello. Should I post now, or not? Do I have anything to say? How about anything of value? How do I know if it's of value? Why would it be? Who would really care? I hardly care. I barely, barely care. So how would I believe that anyone else cares? Well that's a rather sad state of affairs isn't it? What does that tell me?
I really should get myself back into therapy. I think that would be really helpful. I wouldn't say that I'm officially in full-on relapse mode (re: eating disorder), but I would say that the past few months have been a struggle. Much more so than the previous year. I've been asking myself why. But honestly, I'm even a little superstitiously hesitant to think about it to much for fear of making things worse. You know, self-fulfilling prophesies and the like? Like, you can be having a perfectly good life until you think about it too much and stir things up and begin to unnecesarilly worry or obsess? Like, when you might have too much time on your hands to dwell and how things are or might go wrong rather than getting out into the world and acting. Experiencing. Performing. Accomplishing. Achieving? Does that sound glaringly Western? Is "glaringly" a word? Would a good buddhist be at peace without "achievement?" Do Westerners tie together "achievement" with accumulation and the tangible? Could I be a good buddhist? I mean, how could anybody go wrong with the middle-path anyway? I need to learn more.
I am SO glad that The Cutie is taking a nap right now. He blogged the other day that he feels like he hasn't slept in weeks which might be almost literally true. Is it true that after a few days without sleep you "go crazy?" Snoring, allerigies, back pain and anxiety keep him waking up constantly throughout the night. And now we can add Chilly's occasional nightime whimpering to the list. Poor guy. Why can't I heal his pains? I feel so helpless most of the time. I try so hard - usually I find the only route towards support is through OTC drugs: tums, xantax, oragel, aspirin, sudafed, metamucil, ensure, emergency sucrose gel, back support cushions, blood pressure gage, bandaids. Back rubs. Besides that, what can I do? What can I do? I can't do shit. I have to just sit and watch him feel miserable. And sometimes maybe he feels miserable that I am miserable seeing him be miserable which makes him more miserable than he would have been had I not been there making him think about something other than his own miserable feelings... (Clear as fog?)
Chronic pain.
It's a bitch.
Plus diabetes and it's a Bitches Bitch.
Plus allergies + heart problems + knee/should/hip + herniated disk + burning toe infections + burning, tingling, numb uncomfortable extremities + searing headaches + acid reflux + a fucked up eyeball filled with blurring fluid.
Will my writing this make him mad? Am i violating his privacy? I'm very nervous and wonder if I should ask him first before posting. Actually, to be honest, I've wanted to write about this almost every day but don't because of this nervousness. The only reason I typed it now is because I'm just blabbing whatever comes to mind without thinking.
Hmmm.
I wonder what I sound like discussing this. I hope not whining. I hope not like anything other than I'm concerned about him. He's the one in pain.
My friend A. suggested I find a support group for families of chronic pain sufferers. Does such a thing exist really? I wonder what it would be like, what would be discussed. Are there common forbidden "undisscussable" feelings that come out? Normalized? I hadn't thought of looking for such a thing before, although I have on occasion considered searching for some sort of Diabetes related support group. A place where I could talk to someone who'd know what it is to be gripped with the fear in the middle of the night - terrified that your lover's sugar may have dropped in his sleep - as you lay quietly watching, listening, feeling - trying not to wake him while looking for signs of normal breathing and consciousness.
Again, I don't know if such a thing exists, but it would be surprising to me if it didn't since it seems to be such a complicated all-consuming disease. I NEVER .....EVER..... EVER... could have imagined how difficult this disease was before meeting The Cutie. It's just absolutely horrible sometimes - the way it progressively damages the body throughout life. I'm not religious, but if I was, I wouldn't ever stop praying for a cure. I wish more people understood the affects of diabetes. And especially people at risk for Type 2 - it's one thing if you're born with it - but I imagine it's a whole different ball game when you develop Type 2 as an totally preventable biproduct of an unhealthy lifestyle. Talk about tragic waste. And adults have often have a much more difficult time adjusting which compounds the problematic effects.
Just please, stay healthy, don't get Diabetes if you can help it.
(And I'm speaking to myself here too.)
Working out and eating healthy is not just about vanity. I have to remind myself of this. Sometimes I feel silly/guilty about a desire to lose more weight. I have to remind myself that,
It's my birthright to be trim and healthy.
I don't have to feel bad. It's ok.
I wonder if people would think that that's a funny thing to have to tell myself. I wonder if they'll understand.
I've been at a plateau, I think, regarding my weight. As I've mentioned, I lost (naturally) about 50 pounds post-eating disorder group. I still am probably about 50 pounds over my ideal weight but have found the loss has slowed to a standstill. (I assume by my clothes as I don't weigh myself or have a full length mirror.) To be honest, I think I'm pretty afraid of losing more.
Uhoh. Puppy is stirring... I better get her before she wakes the Cutie.
Ope. He's up.
Well I'll go take her out to pee real quick in case that's why she's whimpering.
Back.
That was a quick trip!
I am SO loving that little puppy!
She gets so much attention everywhere we go. Puppies are like the ultimate social lubricant. People see her and burst into smiles. They gush over her cuteness with childlike enthusiasm They launch into "dog talk" without hesitation. "How old is she? What's her name? Is she a weiner dog?" Or their faces soften as they begin their detailed reminiscing;
"I had a dog. Her name was Lucy. She lived to be 16 years." etc
When I walk her, everyone I meet seems to have something to say either to her, about her, or dogs in general. One might even begin to believe that the even the crankiest, hardest, most suspicious of New Yorkers would be unable to resist her charms. I just love watching them melt.
Oh!
Lucky The Cutie woke up!
He had to drive his Uncle, who was next door painting, back home to the Bronx. (I thought he was going at 8:00pm but I didn't realize they had changed the time to 6:00.) I don't think I mentioned that The Cutie's mother bought an apartment in our complex and will be moving in within a week! That's so crazy! I wonder if we'll see her often? Her brother was here today painting her walls, getting the 1 bedroom apartment ready for her to move in.
Awwww.
Speak of the devil.
The puppy started pawing at my knees as I'm typing on my lap, and I picked her up to say "Hi." She curled up and promptly fell sound asleep. Her head is on my left shoulder, nuzzled under my chin, and her body is draped down ike a baby. She's so snuggly. I want to melt. Wish I could reach the camera to show you. I love it when she sleeps on my lap.
A couple days ago she woke me when she started pawing at her "cage" at 4am which she's never done before so I guessed she urgently needed to pee and I sleepily got up to take her out. When I came back, instead of getting into bed and putting her back into her cage, I sat on the couch, let her sit on my lap, but a blanket over us, and we both fell fast asleep. The cool thing was - I had the nicest, most happy and peaceful dreams! It was really amazing because just before I she woke me, I'd been plagued with unpleasant, bleah dreams - probably due to the anxiety and shame and guilt surrounding having walked off the office job. I think she comforted me. Is that annoyingly syrupy? I imagine it might be. Are you still reading this? I would be surprised because I think I've been typing for like, ever.
hahaha...
Well, if you are that die-hard, (bored?), (obsessive-compulsive?), (driven.....?) (what?) (you tell me!) Then I'll tell you that I am so proud of myself today! Why? Because I did something that is totally innane, and inconsequential to the average Joe - but to me - AMAZINGLY AWESOME?! What - you ask? HOUSEWORK?! Who the hell cares - you wonder? Because I am terribly domestically deficient! Because doing the simplest of tasks seems to require monumental momentum. Because I can't ususally seem to get myself to care. Or I just forget.
The Cutie was out of the apartment for a couple hours (picking up the Uncle) and I seized the opportunity and went to town! I whizzed around like a mad woman, hoping to sparkle it up so he'd be happily surprised when he returned. And by the time he returned, I'd finished 3 loads of laundry, all the dishes, thrown out all the trash-i, vaccumed, swept, and straightened up the kitchen which mainly involved throwing out The Cutie's 20-30 empty packs of Diet Coke.
So, today I think I rock!
When I don't do these things I feel so guilty. So ashamed.
But today I rock! I think I'm looking forward to when it happens again.
heh heh
What are you up to today?
Wanna have a competition - who can write the longest post?
I betcha so far I'm winning!
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