I am suddenly craving warm chocolate chip cookies. Why.
Apr 22, 2004
Tea Leoni looks exactly like my friend Lori from college only taller and older and with blonde hair. I wish I knew where she was. I really liked her. Sometimes she left her hair uncombed in rebellious red "fuck you" snarrels. She wore short skirts and fishnet stockings and burped like a man without apology. She was wild and free and had the soul of a poet. I remember the stack of spiral notebook journals above her bed in her dorm that she'd been keeping for years, through her hospitalization and all. I admired that and wished I too had an encylopedia of my inner-life to show for. Years later I heard from her friend Jason that she had returned to Cincinatti, gotten married and had kids. Somehow she seemed too much of a free spirit to do that. I sometimes try looking her up through random searches on the internet but can seem to find no trace of her. Anyway, I hope she's doing well. She was a beautiful woman.
A quote from Hannah's friend's site that really resonates with me,
It captures well this new tremendous pull I feel towards blogging. Nice.
"Herein is where you may leave traces of your existance."
It captures well this new tremendous pull I feel towards blogging. Nice.
Apr 21, 2004
Today I write from the public library. Haven't frequented one since moving to this state probably 5+ years ago as a) their hours suck b) i didn't know where they were c) I didn't have the energy to do anything but sleep and d) I'd forgotten they existed. It's funny. Now I live across the street from one. Why haven't I used it before? It's so cool to be here. Like being in adult Toy R' Us. Like a crazed kid running around with all the infinite possibilities of learning and access to the world. I wonder if I’m mentally starved.
This afternoon I actually also found myself reading one of my many dusty books stacked high in the corner of my apartment which I bought long ago and "always meant to get to." I'm so glad I did today. Originally, I bought it after being moved by an interview with the author on NPR. The topic; "War is a Force that Gives us Meaning." It's fascinating and true and speaks to questions that I have long asked myself about the human capacity for violence and immeasurable brutality. Is really something that separates those who kill/torture/rape from you? From me? From us? What is that? What circumstances would allow us to suspend these beliefs? How rigid are those mores? (Dam how do you spell that.....As i embark on this new journey of daily writing, the limitations of my education/literacy truly irritate me. I wish I had a greater understanding of language and words and grammar.)
Anyway, I just skimmed the book and then accidentally fell asleep for many hours. I hate that. I thought today might actually be a good, productive day, but for me! (Not working for other people) I want to organize my apartment and scan and categorize & save onto disks my boxes and boxes of papers, sketches, journals, etc that I've been tugging around like lead balls around my ankles. I've always been afraid to relinquish the past. I want to remember everything to avoid having to relearn the same lessons over and over.
Ok, it 6:22pm. I get to use this computer until 6:50pm. Pretty cool. And this place is right across the street from where I live!
I've been debating whether to get internet at home. Probably not. I have it at work which is where I am nearly 24/7 anyway. I don't need the extra costs. Particularly because of my $1000 fines in parking tickets. $2000 owed for the air pass. And found out today the speeding ticket will be $162. Shit. And most likely if my insurance finds out, that will double too. (Another $60 bucks a month.) Dam.
I've been thinking about Howard allot. And our conversation. And long relationship. I thought about him when I read that book today. ~It reminded me of the millions of inner-city kids growing up in cold, angry, violent circumstances, where life is relegated to survival, and death is commonplace. I don't see those experiences as much different than the experiences described by those witnessed by the author in Kosovo, Sarejevo, El Salvador, Sierra Leonne, Iraq and the like. Senseless, heartless violence is the same anywhere. It requires a disconnect to the soul.
634p now. Crunch time.
I also read old stuff on my computer at home from years ago back in the day when I did have internet. It found it interesting but sad. Interesting because I can see the progression of thought/behavior and experience to where I am now. The repeated and elaborated upon themes. But sad because it illuminates the extent and depth of my despair. When HAVE I been TRULY happy? It's crazy. It crossed my mind that since this blog seems to be going so well, perhaps I could consolidate those entries here with postdates. Though alot of what I read was embarrassing (childish, almost histrionic) I think the progression would be nonetheless interesting. (At least to me.) **smile** Suddenly I think I am SOooo FASCINATING. I just have to have MORE MORE MORE! Why is that, I wonder. I suppose that would be considered a negative thing. But on the other hand, great things can unfold from great introspection (i think). Like that book, "Every rock can be a teacher." It seems often that the complex really isn't, once you decode the patterns. In developing a greater understanding of my own inner world, I suspect I'll have a greater understanding of human behavior in general.
In the last week I've gotten 3 calls from Howard's area code but with no messages. Who could that be? It is unusual and I fear it is his (ex) wife calling to berate me again. "You're ruining our family!" I'm fearful to even answer Howard's calls no knowing what the situation is over there. Are they together still? Do they live together? IF they do live together, are they together-together? Is she simply psychotic and out-of-touch? What are my obligations to her/him/myself/societal expectations? It's always been so terrible. So confusing. Frustrating.
He asked me if I want to have kids. He says I am 30 now and my biological clock is ticking. I'd guess that if I do want kids, I ought to have them in the next 5 years probably. Right? I don't know. That's confusing too. Would I fuck them up? When I feel trapped by the responsibility? Would my partner get jealous and lose interest in me? Or would it be the most miraculous experience that life could offer. Would I be a dynamic, loving, kind and healthy mother. And would I exist within a functional, communicative, loving relationship. I don't know. It all seems quite removed and something I wouldn't even be contemplating if it wasn't for my age. I can't even imagine it all. I can't even imagine myself married. I don't even know that I think marriage is reasonable expectation of humans. A commitment for "LIFE"?!?
How is that possible? My god, it seems against the very laws of nature, that life is change. Who will i be in 5 years? 10? 50? How can I possibly pretend that it might continue to align with another for such an extended period of life? .......But yet.......
It sounds so delicious.
To be loved and love in that way.
There is a chapter in that book about War & Love. That was where I first turned by chance and captivated me. He proposes that Love is the only antidote to war. He cites poets and ancient texts to embellish his point. ...I want to learn more.
655pm... Past my time limit. hmmm... Maybe i can sneak by since there's a few open computers now. My stomach is rumbling. What have I eaten today? Only a EggMcMuffin/hasbrown/coffee at McDonalds this morning on my way home from the Group Home. Why do I eat those things? I hate them and they are nasty. I guess I just couldn't think of what else to get. Its so convenient and easy and requires the least interaction with people.
People scare me. I think they are out to get me. Hurt me. Judge me. Penetrate my (fat) walls of safety. This is what occurred to me at group last Tuesday. Something about the Group, i think, really upset me. Thus reverting back to those familiar depressive feelings yesterday. (But I feel better today by the way! YES! BOOOOING!! Rebound!) But the facilitator, Judith, made an unusual remark of compliment to me; that she has seen me take tremendous strides towards greater openness and sharing in the past couple weeks. That I had made "great progress." I was stunned, it brought tears to my eyes. I felt so honored and also I felt acknowledged and proud. I think though that she may have felt self-conscious after the remark because then spent sometime reassuring the other members that they too have made great improvements. If I hadn't been still glowing in appreciation, I may have more worried about their feelings and then guiltily obsessed that they may have been hurt. Its funny how we can be trained by life/parents/society to not stand out and thus limit our success to preserve their comfort. Especially as women, I think. But actually, this is really such a myth as there isn't some bank with a limit of successes that we all most draw from. There is enough for everyone. We can ALL living truly dynamic, engaged and full lives and not at the expense of any others. That progressive dynamic energy engaged energy is our birthright. (i think)
Why do I feel compelled to add "(i think)" to everything i write? What is that about? Am I asking to be excused for having thoughts, or sounding pompous/arrogant? How ironic.
Uh oh. 7:08pm I bet they'll catch on soon so i guess I'll go now and get some dinner.
Love to all,
Indigo (not so blue)
This afternoon I actually also found myself reading one of my many dusty books stacked high in the corner of my apartment which I bought long ago and "always meant to get to." I'm so glad I did today. Originally, I bought it after being moved by an interview with the author on NPR. The topic; "War is a Force that Gives us Meaning." It's fascinating and true and speaks to questions that I have long asked myself about the human capacity for violence and immeasurable brutality. Is really something that separates those who kill/torture/rape from you? From me? From us? What is that? What circumstances would allow us to suspend these beliefs? How rigid are those mores? (Dam how do you spell that.....As i embark on this new journey of daily writing, the limitations of my education/literacy truly irritate me. I wish I had a greater understanding of language and words and grammar.)
Anyway, I just skimmed the book and then accidentally fell asleep for many hours. I hate that. I thought today might actually be a good, productive day, but for me! (Not working for other people) I want to organize my apartment and scan and categorize & save onto disks my boxes and boxes of papers, sketches, journals, etc that I've been tugging around like lead balls around my ankles. I've always been afraid to relinquish the past. I want to remember everything to avoid having to relearn the same lessons over and over.
Ok, it 6:22pm. I get to use this computer until 6:50pm. Pretty cool. And this place is right across the street from where I live!
I've been debating whether to get internet at home. Probably not. I have it at work which is where I am nearly 24/7 anyway. I don't need the extra costs. Particularly because of my $1000 fines in parking tickets. $2000 owed for the air pass. And found out today the speeding ticket will be $162. Shit. And most likely if my insurance finds out, that will double too. (Another $60 bucks a month.) Dam.
I've been thinking about Howard allot. And our conversation. And long relationship. I thought about him when I read that book today. ~It reminded me of the millions of inner-city kids growing up in cold, angry, violent circumstances, where life is relegated to survival, and death is commonplace. I don't see those experiences as much different than the experiences described by those witnessed by the author in Kosovo, Sarejevo, El Salvador, Sierra Leonne, Iraq and the like. Senseless, heartless violence is the same anywhere. It requires a disconnect to the soul.
634p now. Crunch time.
I also read old stuff on my computer at home from years ago back in the day when I did have internet. It found it interesting but sad. Interesting because I can see the progression of thought/behavior and experience to where I am now. The repeated and elaborated upon themes. But sad because it illuminates the extent and depth of my despair. When HAVE I been TRULY happy? It's crazy. It crossed my mind that since this blog seems to be going so well, perhaps I could consolidate those entries here with postdates. Though alot of what I read was embarrassing (childish, almost histrionic) I think the progression would be nonetheless interesting. (At least to me.) **smile** Suddenly I think I am SOooo FASCINATING. I just have to have MORE MORE MORE! Why is that, I wonder. I suppose that would be considered a negative thing. But on the other hand, great things can unfold from great introspection (i think). Like that book, "Every rock can be a teacher." It seems often that the complex really isn't, once you decode the patterns. In developing a greater understanding of my own inner world, I suspect I'll have a greater understanding of human behavior in general.
In the last week I've gotten 3 calls from Howard's area code but with no messages. Who could that be? It is unusual and I fear it is his (ex) wife calling to berate me again. "You're ruining our family!" I'm fearful to even answer Howard's calls no knowing what the situation is over there. Are they together still? Do they live together? IF they do live together, are they together-together? Is she simply psychotic and out-of-touch? What are my obligations to her/him/myself/societal expectations? It's always been so terrible. So confusing. Frustrating.
He asked me if I want to have kids. He says I am 30 now and my biological clock is ticking. I'd guess that if I do want kids, I ought to have them in the next 5 years probably. Right? I don't know. That's confusing too. Would I fuck them up? When I feel trapped by the responsibility? Would my partner get jealous and lose interest in me? Or would it be the most miraculous experience that life could offer. Would I be a dynamic, loving, kind and healthy mother. And would I exist within a functional, communicative, loving relationship. I don't know. It all seems quite removed and something I wouldn't even be contemplating if it wasn't for my age. I can't even imagine it all. I can't even imagine myself married. I don't even know that I think marriage is reasonable expectation of humans. A commitment for "LIFE"?!?
How is that possible? My god, it seems against the very laws of nature, that life is change. Who will i be in 5 years? 10? 50? How can I possibly pretend that it might continue to align with another for such an extended period of life? .......But yet.......
It sounds so delicious.
To be loved and love in that way.
There is a chapter in that book about War & Love. That was where I first turned by chance and captivated me. He proposes that Love is the only antidote to war. He cites poets and ancient texts to embellish his point. ...I want to learn more.
655pm... Past my time limit. hmmm... Maybe i can sneak by since there's a few open computers now. My stomach is rumbling. What have I eaten today? Only a EggMcMuffin/hasbrown/coffee at McDonalds this morning on my way home from the Group Home. Why do I eat those things? I hate them and they are nasty. I guess I just couldn't think of what else to get. Its so convenient and easy and requires the least interaction with people.
People scare me. I think they are out to get me. Hurt me. Judge me. Penetrate my (fat) walls of safety. This is what occurred to me at group last Tuesday. Something about the Group, i think, really upset me. Thus reverting back to those familiar depressive feelings yesterday. (But I feel better today by the way! YES! BOOOOING!! Rebound!) But the facilitator, Judith, made an unusual remark of compliment to me; that she has seen me take tremendous strides towards greater openness and sharing in the past couple weeks. That I had made "great progress." I was stunned, it brought tears to my eyes. I felt so honored and also I felt acknowledged and proud. I think though that she may have felt self-conscious after the remark because then spent sometime reassuring the other members that they too have made great improvements. If I hadn't been still glowing in appreciation, I may have more worried about their feelings and then guiltily obsessed that they may have been hurt. Its funny how we can be trained by life/parents/society to not stand out and thus limit our success to preserve their comfort. Especially as women, I think. But actually, this is really such a myth as there isn't some bank with a limit of successes that we all most draw from. There is enough for everyone. We can ALL living truly dynamic, engaged and full lives and not at the expense of any others. That progressive dynamic energy engaged energy is our birthright. (i think)
Why do I feel compelled to add "(i think)" to everything i write? What is that about? Am I asking to be excused for having thoughts, or sounding pompous/arrogant? How ironic.
Uh oh. 7:08pm I bet they'll catch on soon so i guess I'll go now and get some dinner.
Love to all,
Indigo (not so blue)
The niece of the company's owner at this office job just stopped by and introduced herself. She said she was happy to meet me and that she'd heard alot about me. She said i was a "godsend." That made me feel good. Especially because I'm still feeling a little slighted by the owner from last week. (When he griped about my hours.) I was hesitant to even show up today. And didn't show up on Monday though I told him I would. I'm being petty, I know. Like, fine, you wanna complain, then i'll show you! I'm oughta here! Take that! hahaha... That sounds funny when i type it....
Apr 20, 2004
Oops well i didn't finish that last post because Howard called. We spoke for 2 1/2 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perhaps the longest telephone conversation we've had in the 8+ years of our twisted relationship. It felt beautiful. Open and loving. It was the spiritual, introspective Howard that captured my heart and imagination. Although he has haunted me so often before, I truly do have a connection that has been uncomparable to any before.
...........
And back to my day... AFter my parking ticket I headed off to get an assessment of the car on-base but first would stop by to get my new insurance card. Ironically, I was pulled over for speeding. 50 in a 25. And guess what, I got a ticket for not having a proof of car insurance. What are the odds. I haven't had a speeding ticket in over 10 years and rarely speed. I'm quiet scared about it. It seems the penalty might be quite severe (doubled insurance rates, my job requires yearly traffic abstracts.....)
Then went to group therapy and there are two new members which always shakes me up. I felt shaky and nervous and upset the entirety of the session. But it was interesting, and i took it as an opportunity to observe my feelings and behaviors. I expressed it. On the drive home I felt a tremendous compulsion to stuff it all down, supress it, squash it out. I ate a sandwich on the way and could feel myself wanting to eat out of control, ravenously devour it barely breathing. But again I observed the process and perhaps intervened a bit by increasing that consciousness.
It was such an exciting night.
Oh also, I got a call from a man that I went to college with. We were 2 of 3 rebel rousing radicals in a Senior level Multicult ural Pyscho logical Counse ling program, to the dismay of our teacher and classmates, ~always questioning the power system, the fabric of the profession. He was the first Male feminist I'd ever met. (hmm have i met any since?) Haen't spoken to him in 5 years and I miss and appreciate him. He's been doing fabulous inspirational soulful things since we last spoke. I'm not surprised. He's that kind of man. A voyage with a peace group through Africa. Mediation and introspection in Europe. A master program in expressive arts therapy and multicultural psych. About to do an internship on a Cherokee Reservation. And soon to travel to Bolivia for a month or so. I admire him and hope to some day soon follow my hearts desires in the way that seems to have been. Thanks Robert! It's an honor to know you.
...........
And back to my day... AFter my parking ticket I headed off to get an assessment of the car on-base but first would stop by to get my new insurance card. Ironically, I was pulled over for speeding. 50 in a 25. And guess what, I got a ticket for not having a proof of car insurance. What are the odds. I haven't had a speeding ticket in over 10 years and rarely speed. I'm quiet scared about it. It seems the penalty might be quite severe (doubled insurance rates, my job requires yearly traffic abstracts.....)
Then went to group therapy and there are two new members which always shakes me up. I felt shaky and nervous and upset the entirety of the session. But it was interesting, and i took it as an opportunity to observe my feelings and behaviors. I expressed it. On the drive home I felt a tremendous compulsion to stuff it all down, supress it, squash it out. I ate a sandwich on the way and could feel myself wanting to eat out of control, ravenously devour it barely breathing. But again I observed the process and perhaps intervened a bit by increasing that consciousness.
It was such an exciting night.
Oh also, I got a call from a man that I went to college with. We were 2 of 3 rebel rousing radicals in a Senior level Multicult ural Pyscho logical Counse ling program, to the dismay of our teacher and classmates, ~always questioning the power system, the fabric of the profession. He was the first Male feminist I'd ever met. (hmm have i met any since?) Haen't spoken to him in 5 years and I miss and appreciate him. He's been doing fabulous inspirational soulful things since we last spoke. I'm not surprised. He's that kind of man. A voyage with a peace group through Africa. Mediation and introspection in Europe. A master program in expressive arts therapy and multicultural psych. About to do an internship on a Cherokee Reservation. And soon to travel to Bolivia for a month or so. I admire him and hope to some day soon follow my hearts desires in the way that seems to have been. Thanks Robert! It's an honor to know you.
It's 430am and for some reason i am still too amped to go to sleep. I guess it was too exciting of a day. Just finished reading Hannahs response to my comments. Trying not to feel bad about my probably condescending post. But I guess that's just my inner critic lashing out at my imperfection. (god forbid) I'll try to roll with it.
Anyway, I will pop back in as I remember things I meant to mention here today.
As I reread my post about J and the amorphous fear of violent men, I thought of something Howard reminded me of tonight which I'd completely forgotten! About the time we first met many years ago, I dated another man for a very short while (1 week or so) until noticing some erratic, inappropriate behaviors. Howard remembers seeing that man (Rick) in the middle of the night, outside of my apartment, in the bushes, peering into my window, and with a gun! I'm really struck by having forgotten such an event! It's surreal.
(Incidentally, that man was sent to prison not long afterwards having been convicted of a felony sexually assault.)
Anyway, I will pop back in as I remember things I meant to mention here today.
As I reread my post about J and the amorphous fear of violent men, I thought of something Howard reminded me of tonight which I'd completely forgotten! About the time we first met many years ago, I dated another man for a very short while (1 week or so) until noticing some erratic, inappropriate behaviors. Howard remembers seeing that man (Rick) in the middle of the night, outside of my apartment, in the bushes, peering into my window, and with a gun! I'm really struck by having forgotten such an event! It's surreal.
(Incidentally, that man was sent to prison not long afterwards having been convicted of a felony sexually assault.)
Apr 19, 2004
Difficult day. Painful. Uncomfortable. Yucky. But i detect growth in the air. And it feels GREAT!
I didn't have a meltdown! I tried my best to ride the wave. (Of emotion) And not punish myself for being scared. Its upsetting to be upset. I didn't like it! My heart was fluttering, my palms sweaty, I though I might throw up. How dare I? Loser! Weakling! Drama Queen! Silly attention seeking girl! I'm getting upset over nothing! I don't even know WHY I am upset! If it doesn't make "sense," then it doesn't count! (Right?) WRONG!!!
Nope, the above did not apply today. I claimed my fear, expressed it, and penetrating a shaft of hopeful light through my 40+ inch protective wall of armor. A poke into freedom. "Recovery" even?
All day long I've been desperate to find a computer to record my thoughts here. Now its late and I'm tired and will be unable to capture them all. But I found it interesting my new compulsion towards emoting and sharing here. Perhaps taking the place that food often took for me before? A far heatlhier alternative, for sure.
On one hand, I want to yell from the rooftops, YOU CAN FIND ME HERE! Read me read me read me read me! But also this is my fear, for it seems the more people that recognize me, the more I will feel constricted and the need to self-censor for fear of offending or feeling shame. Should I change names of acquaintances/friends/family? But, even if I did, surely people will know themselves. Interested in feedback here.
So back to today.
Today I ran home to shower/change clothes & neglected to put change in the parking meter. I was distraught to find a parking ticket within the short amount of time that I had been parked. Particularly because I have now over $1,000. 00 dollars that i know owe in parking fines. I find this nearly an intolerable stressor that has overwhelmed me and therefore for virtually ignored for multiple months. Well, not totally. I recently (due to feeling unusually good lately) courageously braved an attempt to research the situation and called the City/County to get a clearer picture of my current balance. This was a big step for me. That is when I learned that after a few months they charge a 25% interest rate which leaves me struggling to not feel hopeless and depressed by it. This coupled with the financial burden of owing my good friends exboyfriends $2000 airpass good for 1 year which I have felt too ashamed and dejected to use. I have only paid him back $20 and that seemed a momentous feat. Now nearly 1/2 of the year is gone. But finally, I did schedule my first flight for mid-May.
I didn't have a meltdown! I tried my best to ride the wave. (Of emotion) And not punish myself for being scared. Its upsetting to be upset. I didn't like it! My heart was fluttering, my palms sweaty, I though I might throw up. How dare I? Loser! Weakling! Drama Queen! Silly attention seeking girl! I'm getting upset over nothing! I don't even know WHY I am upset! If it doesn't make "sense," then it doesn't count! (Right?) WRONG!!!
Nope, the above did not apply today. I claimed my fear, expressed it, and penetrating a shaft of hopeful light through my 40+ inch protective wall of armor. A poke into freedom. "Recovery" even?
All day long I've been desperate to find a computer to record my thoughts here. Now its late and I'm tired and will be unable to capture them all. But I found it interesting my new compulsion towards emoting and sharing here. Perhaps taking the place that food often took for me before? A far heatlhier alternative, for sure.
On one hand, I want to yell from the rooftops, YOU CAN FIND ME HERE! Read me read me read me read me! But also this is my fear, for it seems the more people that recognize me, the more I will feel constricted and the need to self-censor for fear of offending or feeling shame. Should I change names of acquaintances/friends/family? But, even if I did, surely people will know themselves. Interested in feedback here.
So back to today.
Today I ran home to shower/change clothes & neglected to put change in the parking meter. I was distraught to find a parking ticket within the short amount of time that I had been parked. Particularly because I have now over $1,000. 00 dollars that i know owe in parking fines. I find this nearly an intolerable stressor that has overwhelmed me and therefore for virtually ignored for multiple months. Well, not totally. I recently (due to feeling unusually good lately) courageously braved an attempt to research the situation and called the City/County to get a clearer picture of my current balance. This was a big step for me. That is when I learned that after a few months they charge a 25% interest rate which leaves me struggling to not feel hopeless and depressed by it. This coupled with the financial burden of owing my good friends exboyfriends $2000 airpass good for 1 year which I have felt too ashamed and dejected to use. I have only paid him back $20 and that seemed a momentous feat. Now nearly 1/2 of the year is gone. But finally, I did schedule my first flight for mid-May.
Hi Hannah, I'm going to take a leap here and offer some unsolicited feedback. I hope not to offend you, and if i do please forgive me. When you write about dieting, scrutinizing your foods, and labeling them as good and bad, and then consequently yourself as good and bad, it makes me shudder. I want to scream at the soceital programming that makes us determine our self worth based on size and food intake. But this paradigm can be superceded if we choose not to adhere to it!!! What is the meaning of your hunger? What is the meaning of your restriction? Do you allow yourself to have feelings, express them, feel them? Or do you try to contain & block them out? Do you have to be perfect? Maintain control? Do you take care of everyone but yourself? Do you assert & express your thoughts and feelings to those around you? Do you allow yourself and follow your hearts desires? ...These are all questions that can be intimiately connected to our relationship with food, body image and dieting. I could be way off here, and if so, please excuse my presumptiousness. But if any rings true, I'd be happy to recommend a book or two on the subject.
Warm Wishes,
Indigo :-)
Warm Wishes,
Indigo :-)
Apr 16, 2004
Shit. Jacob has called me like 5 times today. It's beginning to make my skin crawl. I like attention, but not quite that much. Twice I answered it, but he had nothing to say. I'm not some CEO or something, but what the fuck? I have other things to do besides "play-highschool." I guess this is what happens when you hook up with someone his age. Arg.
Still at the office. Getting ready to wrap up. The owner said to just come in 3 days next week for 4 to 6 hours while he's on vacation because he's worried about money. I feel stupid. I just gave him my timesheet with 70.5 hours. He exclaimed, "TWELVE HOURS!" when seeing how long I worked one day. Why do I feel so damm guilty when I know I worked my ass off the whole time and am at a rate WAY lower than I deserve or could get anywhere else. Arg! ARG ARG ARG ARG! DON'T FEEL GUILTY DON'T FEEL GUILTY DON'T FEEL GUILTY! I'M DOING HIM A BIG FAVOR. Right? Arg. arg arg arg.
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 12:47 AM Friday, April 16, 2004
Back again at the office underneath the owner's house. Although just outside the open french doors is a driveway full of non-working cars, overflowing trash cans, and random miscellaneous bits and pieces strewn about, the discomboogled state feels calming and friendly to me. (10 points for vocab Indigo!) Maybe its the resemblance to my inner world?
The morning is my favorite time; before the heat blazes up and settles thick around me like water in a Escape Artists box. I like how the ceiling fan brushes just a hint of movement on my shoulders and the sounds beyond the doors; a frog or two on the hill, busy birds, the rustling of car tarps and foliage when the breeze winds up, and just now, the growl of a plane overhead. It is quiet and peaceful and I like it here.
Driving here, I listened to some segments on NPR; about the early World Fairs, a playwright who wrote about the conflict between scientists and fisherman on the Galapagos Islands, and just a snippet of a brainy scientist experimenting with Einsteins Theory of Relativity. Thank god for NPR. What would I do without it? Post-college, I believe it may be my only source of mental stimulation.
I keep falling asleep at night (for weeks) without taking my contacts out or changing my clothes or sometimes even brushing my teeth. Then I wake up and feel gnarly. Today I came straight from work there to work here and didn't go home to shower/wash my face. I feel so yucky. I have to try to ignore it now since there's nothing I can do. (See last night's post) haha
Ok. Maybe I'll start work now. I have my vanilla macademia nut Lion's coffee to keep me company. I should be ok.
Still at the office. Getting ready to wrap up. The owner said to just come in 3 days next week for 4 to 6 hours while he's on vacation because he's worried about money. I feel stupid. I just gave him my timesheet with 70.5 hours. He exclaimed, "TWELVE HOURS!" when seeing how long I worked one day. Why do I feel so damm guilty when I know I worked my ass off the whole time and am at a rate WAY lower than I deserve or could get anywhere else. Arg! ARG ARG ARG ARG! DON'T FEEL GUILTY DON'T FEEL GUILTY DON'T FEEL GUILTY! I'M DOING HIM A BIG FAVOR. Right? Arg. arg arg arg.
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 12:47 AM Friday, April 16, 2004
Back again at the office underneath the owner's house. Although just outside the open french doors is a driveway full of non-working cars, overflowing trash cans, and random miscellaneous bits and pieces strewn about, the discomboogled state feels calming and friendly to me. (10 points for vocab Indigo!) Maybe its the resemblance to my inner world?
The morning is my favorite time; before the heat blazes up and settles thick around me like water in a Escape Artists box. I like how the ceiling fan brushes just a hint of movement on my shoulders and the sounds beyond the doors; a frog or two on the hill, busy birds, the rustling of car tarps and foliage when the breeze winds up, and just now, the growl of a plane overhead. It is quiet and peaceful and I like it here.
Driving here, I listened to some segments on NPR; about the early World Fairs, a playwright who wrote about the conflict between scientists and fisherman on the Galapagos Islands, and just a snippet of a brainy scientist experimenting with Einsteins Theory of Relativity. Thank god for NPR. What would I do without it? Post-college, I believe it may be my only source of mental stimulation.
I keep falling asleep at night (for weeks) without taking my contacts out or changing my clothes or sometimes even brushing my teeth. Then I wake up and feel gnarly. Today I came straight from work there to work here and didn't go home to shower/wash my face. I feel so yucky. I have to try to ignore it now since there's nothing I can do. (See last night's post) haha
Ok. Maybe I'll start work now. I have my vanilla macademia nut Lion's coffee to keep me company. I should be ok.
Shit. J has called me at least 5 times just today. It's beginning to make my skin crawl. I like attention, but not quite that much. Twice I answered it, but he had nothing to say. I'm not some CEO or something, but what the fuck? I have other things to do besides "play-highschool." I guess this is what happens when you hook up with someone his age. Arg.
Still at the office. Getting ready to wrap up. The owner said to just come in 3 days next week for 4 to 6 hours while he's on vacation because he's worried about money. I feel stupid. I just gave him my timesheet with 70.5 hours. He exclaimed, "TWELVE HOURS!" when seeing how long I worked one day. Why do I feel so damm guilty when I know I worked my ass off the whole time and am at a rate WAY lower than I deserve or could get anywhere else. Arg! ARG ARG ARG ARG! DON'T FEEL GUILTY DON'T FEEL GUILTY DON'T FEEL GUILTY! I'M DOING HIM A BIG FAVOR. Right? Arg. arg arg arg.
Still at the office. Getting ready to wrap up. The owner said to just come in 3 days next week for 4 to 6 hours while he's on vacation because he's worried about money. I feel stupid. I just gave him my timesheet with 70.5 hours. He exclaimed, "TWELVE HOURS!" when seeing how long I worked one day. Why do I feel so damm guilty when I know I worked my ass off the whole time and am at a rate WAY lower than I deserve or could get anywhere else. Arg! ARG ARG ARG ARG! DON'T FEEL GUILTY DON'T FEEL GUILTY DON'T FEEL GUILTY! I'M DOING HIM A BIG FAVOR. Right? Arg. arg arg arg.
Man. Just writing that last post made me mad again. I seem to be having an unusally big emotional reaction to him (J\) for some reason. He evokes alot of anger & disgust. Could it partially be that he reminds me of my brother? After our first meeting, I had a dream about that my brother and I had a huge blowout fight. But unlike real life, I asserted myself and expressed my frustration to which (in the dream) he actually heard/understood and then went on to explain himself; he'd been under alot of stress and afraid, and worried that he might be fired from work. He then began to cry. In real life, I've never seen such a thing and we live thousands of miles away and rarely communicate at all. There seems to be a wall between us.
Apr 15, 2004
Geez I worked the entire day and night and then headed straight here to job number #2. Didn't eat anything, didn't take breaks, didn't even go to the bathroom. I'm beat. Sitting on your arse all day sure can take a toll on you. I'm not sure if it feels good or bad to work so long. On one hand I feel productive, and hardworking, and engaged and happy to be earning cash. On the other hand, I wonder if I'm deliberately avoiding developing some semblance of a life. Like, with friends and interests and having fun and stuff. I'm not sure which it is though. Maybe I'm having fun working? I guess I'll need to mull it over some more. Meanwhile, I know it can't be healthy the way I neglect the things I NEED to do for ME. It seems I'm a whiz at organizing and bringing sanity to the new boss' business life, but my own life, that's a totally different story. While I'm creating a well-oiled, finely tuned office-machine for him, my home will go to shit because whenever I contemplate taking care of it, I get that nagging feeling that I'm wasting valuable time. Like, when I think about paying my bills or eating or... um, what else do people with lives do??? I guess its yet another symptom of my lack of self-regard, and importance. Damm. I hate that.
While driving here, I gave a quick call to Clvn, that man from a couple weeks ago that I really enjoyed and felt a connection to that I met from the club and had that painfully self-conscious date where I felt I utterly humilated myself. I figured he was giving me the brush off after he didn't return my call from a few days ago. Nonetheless, I decided, what the fuck, I liked HIM, and I'll give it one last shot. What's the worst that can happen if he doesn't wanna talk? I'd rather take the chance of another unreturned call then letting something go because of fear when it could have turned into a nice friendship, etc.... Who knows, maybe he was busy/didnt get the call/forgot/lost my number/etc/etc.... Anyway, on the last ring he answered and seemed SO ENTHUSIASTIC to hear from me. I was so excited! Then, at the end of the quick 10 min chat, he voluntarily committed to calling me tomorrow! How cool is that?! A miracle a day keeps the doctor away. Can't wait to hear from him. I do like him. I don't know why. He just has good energy, I think.
Meanwhile, there are several middleaged, semi to non-attractive men corresponding with me by emails through match.com. I generally feel compelled to respond to nearly everyone that expresses an interest in me through ("winks"), but tonight I began to question that methodology. The more involved the emails get, the more I begin to feel kinda, um, well creeped out, I guess. Like we're developing this deep emotional and intimate connection, but haven't even MET yet! I don't like that. What if we meet and there is no chemistry, but we've leapt ahead and shared personal, revealing information. YEs, I think its best to keep it short and sweet and go straight to a real-live meeting. Just get it out of the way ~ limit the expectations. What do you think?
Did you do your fucking taxes today? Dam them! Last couple years I owed over a T H O U S A N D FUCKING DOLLARS. (yes big nasty expletive swear words for this topic) Last year i was so disgusted I didn't have the stamina to follow through and actually file them. Afterall, I was still paying off the previous years! This year I will try to force myself. I sent in a request for an extension today. I hate our fucking government. Dam them dam them dam them! DAM THEM ALL!
(HEY!, now that I typed that I wonder if I'll start getting monitored by the FBI! Kewl dude!)
LOVE,
INDIGO
PS: How many "m's" are there in "damm"? And why don't they teach the REALLY useful spelling words in school anyway?
While driving here, I gave a quick call to Clvn, that man from a couple weeks ago that I really enjoyed and felt a connection to that I met from the club and had that painfully self-conscious date where I felt I utterly humilated myself. I figured he was giving me the brush off after he didn't return my call from a few days ago. Nonetheless, I decided, what the fuck, I liked HIM, and I'll give it one last shot. What's the worst that can happen if he doesn't wanna talk? I'd rather take the chance of another unreturned call then letting something go because of fear when it could have turned into a nice friendship, etc.... Who knows, maybe he was busy/didnt get the call/forgot/lost my number/etc/etc.... Anyway, on the last ring he answered and seemed SO ENTHUSIASTIC to hear from me. I was so excited! Then, at the end of the quick 10 min chat, he voluntarily committed to calling me tomorrow! How cool is that?! A miracle a day keeps the doctor away. Can't wait to hear from him. I do like him. I don't know why. He just has good energy, I think.
Meanwhile, there are several middleaged, semi to non-attractive men corresponding with me by emails through match.com. I generally feel compelled to respond to nearly everyone that expresses an interest in me through ("winks"), but tonight I began to question that methodology. The more involved the emails get, the more I begin to feel kinda, um, well creeped out, I guess. Like we're developing this deep emotional and intimate connection, but haven't even MET yet! I don't like that. What if we meet and there is no chemistry, but we've leapt ahead and shared personal, revealing information. YEs, I think its best to keep it short and sweet and go straight to a real-live meeting. Just get it out of the way ~ limit the expectations. What do you think?
Did you do your fucking taxes today? Dam them! Last couple years I owed over a T H O U S A N D FUCKING DOLLARS. (yes big nasty expletive swear words for this topic) Last year i was so disgusted I didn't have the stamina to follow through and actually file them. Afterall, I was still paying off the previous years! This year I will try to force myself. I sent in a request for an extension today. I hate our fucking government. Dam them dam them dam them! DAM THEM ALL!
(HEY!, now that I typed that I wonder if I'll start getting monitored by the FBI! Kewl dude!)
LOVE,
INDIGO
PS: How many "m's" are there in "damm"? And why don't they teach the REALLY useful spelling words in school anyway?
Apr 14, 2004
Dreams This Morning
Sharing Love
my mom started teaching at the same school as i. she angers me and itry to retain my cool around cowirkers and students. but when they are out of eartshot i try to contain my tremendous rage and i want to unleash it upon her with a fury. i want to yell and scream but in hushed tones whisper forcibly. for example. tghere is a big test my class (and i am a student to now) coming up. my mom is teaching the final prep. she is reviewing math problems and i am FUROOUS. i think she is doing a terrible job and i burn inside that my student s won't understand her quick, difficult explanations because they are not like my brother who picks up on things easily grwoing up. she can not teach them the way she taught him. simply and easily. no, they are more like me, they need a different style of teaching. more broken apart and simplified and clearer to undrestand. I AM SO ANGRY AT HER. how dare she. as she lectures using the overhead projector drawing geometric designs, there is a sudden weather explosion and it beging bouring buckets of rain. the students jump up and run to the overhang on the side of the field where i am sitting, watching. i am now surrounded by my students on either side. the raing is pouring down so fiercly, its is hard to avoid the wetness. and in a matter of seconds the field begins to flood. there are perhaps 2 inches of water before us. i don't want to get wet and am upset. but then i notice there is someone sitting directly in front of me whos presence seems to be blocking most of of the water from splattering on me. he is asian and wearing a yellow rubber raincoat. he turns to me, smiling, seemingly unbothered by the rain. i am grateful he is there. a student, layne, makes a joke from the left. no wait. I make a joke. yes , i joke that the teacher and i "are related afterall. we're distant cousins." layne laughs and shakes his head. and communicateds that i am still funny. the lain suddenly lifts and as suddenly as it came it is no where in sight. the sun comes out in full force and is blazing away as befoe, as if nothing ever happened. i marvel at this transition. how can thatt be? ....when it first began, i announce mischievously , "ope! no test!" (thinking we can't have it in he rain!) i don't want to take it either. a couple students jumped on the bandwagon and said Yeah YEAH. i think my mom probably wouldn't be pleaesd at my immaturity and rebel rousing. ..... when the sun breaks, the student return to their places on the field before the projector an begin picking up thick booklets that i have copied and stacked and lugged to the scene. i've put a lot of work into creating these tests based on what they students have learned an how they think they can be most successful. mom dismisses them and has her own test to give. I AM BEYON FURIOUS!!! I AM SEETHING! I WNAT TO EXPLODE. instead i try to contain myself but after the student leave i mention , "i made of these things for you!" she shrugs it off. we are walking down the corridor and she says hi to her (our now) coworker. a vic principal maybe. i try to regain my compusure from my fury and i don't want her to hear me mistreating my mom. i think she senses my abusiveness and i feel shamed but also more desire to hurt her. i must cart the huge stack of books and supplies back now, but i don't know how i will do that. it seems so daunting, like so much hard work, like i'm not strong enough to do it. and it worries/scares/angers me. maybe i can do it in separate loads? i think maybe i could carry 3-4 books at a time. *(there are about 25 all togethre.. but that will take me forever!!! GRRR.. i am mad.. mom doesn't seem to notice or care. she blows the whole thing off, as usual. she never seems to take me seriously or notice me or respect me. somehow i get a wheely thing (hand cart) and start precarioulsly wheeling it away walking with her. i (still angrily whispering so not to make a scene) say things like "you never loved me" and although she doesn't openly agree, she continues on the the statement as if it was true and too elaborate upon it. i am devestated and want to cry out hysterically. it jst doesn't seem fair. i want desparately to still be loved by her. to have the love of a mother. to be nurtured and cared for and seen as special.. but it seems to late. she hates me, and being an adult now, i have little room for immaturity , or selfishness, or bad behavior. i have lost her forever it seems. she resents my anger and seems to despise me now. i want to weep uncontrollably and plead with her that i am still worth loving. that I LOVE HER, even though i'm sometimes not kind and fair to her, it seems i have pushed her too far. it is a devestating situation. i'm crushed beyond belief. it feels hopless
-------------------
the girl at subway makes me a sandwich. my mom and i are chatting with her. she like me for some reason.. i think i leave her a big tip or something. just for that we develop a special frienship and she saves something for me in the refridgerator. i think it is a glass of milk. but it is unlabeled and in the fridge and i have to sneak it out without anyone seeing. especially my dad. i feel honored by her recongnition and special
_________________________-
ti make a composite image of her boyfriend for her using 2 other images. it is a amusing looking image of him today mixed with him from a outlandish outfit and fro from the 60's. i don't know why i made the picture, but i really like it and want to gift her with it. i feel silly though, because it seems out-of-place and without reason. i think she could be flattered but also thinking i'm a weirdo for going to the trouble. ..plus i have secret doubts that i do it more for his attention than hers and so i keep it to myself. even when she & he come sit and leave my classroom. there is a pull there. to reveal it or not. i decide its too risky still to share it. i risk her rejection and alientation. clearly, i do like him and think she will detect this. plus it isn't right.
my mom started teaching at the same school as i. she angers me and itry to retain my cool around cowirkers and students. but when they are out of eartshot i try to contain my tremendous rage and i want to unleash it upon her with a fury. i want to yell and scream but in hushed tones whisper forcibly. for example. tghere is a big test my class (and i am a student to now) coming up. my mom is teaching the final prep. she is reviewing math problems and i am FUROOUS. i think she is doing a terrible job and i burn inside that my student s won't understand her quick, difficult explanations because they are not like my brother who picks up on things easily grwoing up. she can not teach them the way she taught him. simply and easily. no, they are more like me, they need a different style of teaching. more broken apart and simplified and clearer to undrestand. I AM SO ANGRY AT HER. how dare she. as she lectures using the overhead projector drawing geometric designs, there is a sudden weather explosion and it beging bouring buckets of rain. the students jump up and run to the overhang on the side of the field where i am sitting, watching. i am now surrounded by my students on either side. the raing is pouring down so fiercly, its is hard to avoid the wetness. and in a matter of seconds the field begins to flood. there are perhaps 2 inches of water before us. i don't want to get wet and am upset. but then i notice there is someone sitting directly in front of me whos presence seems to be blocking most of of the water from splattering on me. he is asian and wearing a yellow rubber raincoat. he turns to me, smiling, seemingly unbothered by the rain. i am grateful he is there. a student, layne, makes a joke from the left. no wait. I make a joke. yes , i joke that the teacher and i "are related afterall. we're distant cousins." layne laughs and shakes his head. and communicateds that i am still funny. the lain suddenly lifts and as suddenly as it came it is no where in sight. the sun comes out in full force and is blazing away as befoe, as if nothing ever happened. i marvel at this transition. how can thatt be? ....when it first began, i announce mischievously , "ope! no test!" (thinking we can't have it in he rain!) i don't want to take it either. a couple students jumped on the bandwagon and said Yeah YEAH. i think my mom probably wouldn't be pleaesd at my immaturity and rebel rousing. ..... when the sun breaks, the student return to their places on the field before the projector an begin picking up thick booklets that i have copied and stacked and lugged to the scene. i've put a lot of work into creating these tests based on what they students have learned an how they think they can be most successful. mom dismisses them and has her own test to give. I AM BEYON FURIOUS!!! I AM SEETHING! I WNAT TO EXPLODE. instead i try to contain myself but after the student leave i mention , "i made of these things for you!" she shrugs it off. we are walking down the corridor and she says hi to her (our now) coworker. a vic principal maybe. i try to regain my compusure from my fury and i don't want her to hear me mistreating my mom. i think she senses my abusiveness and i feel shamed but also more desire to hurt her. i must cart the huge stack of books and supplies back now, but i don't know how i will do that. it seems so daunting, like so much hard work, like i'm not strong enough to do it. and it worries/scares/angers me. maybe i can do it in separate loads? i think maybe i could carry 3-4 books at a time. *(there are about 25 all togethre.. but that will take me forever!!! GRRR.. i am mad.. mom doesn't seem to notice or care. she blows the whole thing off, as usual. she never seems to take me seriously or notice me or respect me. somehow i get a wheely thing (hand cart) and start precarioulsly wheeling it away walking with her. i (still angrily whispering so not to make a scene) say things like "you never loved me" and although she doesn't openly agree, she continues on the the statement as if it was true and too elaborate upon it. i am devestated and want to cry out hysterically. it jst doesn't seem fair. i want desparately to still be loved by her. to have the love of a mother. to be nurtured and cared for and seen as special.. but it seems to late. she hates me, and being an adult now, i have little room for immaturity , or selfishness, or bad behavior. i have lost her forever it seems. she resents my anger and seems to despise me now. i want to weep uncontrollably and plead with her that i am still worth loving. that I LOVE HER, even though i'm sometimes not kind and fair to her, it seems i have pushed her too far. it is a devestating situation. i'm crushed beyond belief. it feels hopless
-------------------
the girl at subway makes me a sandwich. my mom and i are chatting with her. she like me for some reason.. i think i leave her a big tip or something. just for that we develop a special frienship and she saves something for me in the refridgerator. i think it is a glass of milk. but it is unlabeled and in the fridge and i have to sneak it out without anyone seeing. especially my dad. i feel honored by her recongnition and special
_________________________-
ti make a composite image of her boyfriend for her using 2 other images. it is a amusing looking image of him today mixed with him from a outlandish outfit and fro from the 60's. i don't know why i made the picture, but i really like it and want to gift her with it. i feel silly though, because it seems out-of-place and without reason. i think she could be flattered but also thinking i'm a weirdo for going to the trouble. ..plus i have secret doubts that i do it more for his attention than hers and so i keep it to myself. even when she & he come sit and leave my classroom. there is a pull there. to reveal it or not. i decide its too risky still to share it. i risk her rejection and alientation. clearly, i do like him and think she will detect this. plus it isn't right.
I'm a star! I'm a star! I'm a star! Look what I found at this Blog Oh boy oh boy oh boy!
Thanks Hannah! :0)
I was just wandering around, looking at other blogs. I found two of interest:
I Shall Believe
To be honest, I didn't even read it. I was just wowed by the design. Very nice.
Indigo Blues
This one, I liked the design, but I liked the writing even better. I get the feeling that I can relate to this woman: she thinks she's fat and ugly (I wonder if she really truly is?) and that she doesn't even have the right to a relationship, to even want one. Good reading... and it took my mind off of my own problems for a while..."
Thanks Hannah! :0)
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