So....

I took the right subway!

Got off in the right place!
(The Infamous Grand Central)

And even found my Destination!

How cool am i?! All in all, the quasi-interview was a success. I scored high on the typing/Word tests and felt good in the sharp pin-striped suit aquired the night before after The Cutie so generously gifted me with a wad of cash so i could secure appropriately professional interview attire.

I am glad.

Relieved.

So much so i almost don't want to note my persistant unemploymed status and bothersome lack of paychecks.

One step at a time.

I guess.

I wonder

Do i have lurkers? Is there someone there reading me that i don't know? I wonder. That would be cool. But what would be even cooler is if they (you?) would someday say "hi!"

Hello mysterious stranger! Hello and thanks for stopping by!

Job Search

I'm officially starting my job search. (Finally?) I've signed up at one temp service that seemed a little fishy and tomorrow i have an appointment at another one in the city! I use an exclamation point because "in the city" is still a big deal for me. Highly intimidating. Big. Confusing. Ok fine - scary. I said it. Plus, what the hell am i going to wear? I don't know if i mentioned before - when i moved from Hawaii to The Cutie's studio in New York, i came only with one carry-on suitcase. Everything else was discarded or given away. Save about a dozen boxes of my few prized posessions (books, DVD's, journals, artwork, camera, 4track) that are STILL in Hawaii. You see, i had, true to Indigo Form, packed my shit and scatatalled in a hurry, desparately longing to arrive in the arms of this new life and lover. That meant that even a couple hours before my flight, i was frantically packing and taping boxes like a madwoman, sweat pouring from my head. The plan was to load my car (that i hadn't yet gotten rid of) pick up Danny, (the ride barely secured from a friend of a friend), we'd swing by the postoffice and then continue to the airport where i'd then sign the car off to him and he'd continue on his way. He'd send me a check for a couple hundred dollars later. (Supposedly but i wouldn't hold my breath.) It didn't exactly work out like that. Now my stuff is decomposing and collecting mold in his garage (nearly a year????) later. I think about it every day.

What was i talking about again?

Um. I have to go back and read the last paragraph. One sec.

OH!

SO I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR!

I think i had a couple boxes of clothes and shoes and stuff, but they're still in Hawaii. Although i hadn't been wearing my business suits and formal whatnot for a several years since i dumped my last office job, i held on to it nonetheless, (i think?) just in case. Gosh, honestly i can't even remember if that's true.

Did i keep that stuff? ACK! I don't know.

Anyway, it's irrevelevant.

What am i going to wear tomorrow?

I have an appointment at this fancy, upscale office in Manhatten and but i'm embarrassed because i don't think i'll fit in. I have no money (or desire to spend money) on stupid business clothes. Besides, if i keep losing weight, it will be a waste. I'm wearing the same clothes as i was wearing 50 pounds ago although maybe i look a little silly? I'm not sure. I did splurge and buy new jeans while at the Guru's. But much more than that, i would be very hesitant.

I hate to waste money. I hate to waste nice clothes. I hate to make an investment in a size that may change within a couple months!

So what about tomorrow?

And how am i going to get there?

What am i going to say?

Am i really qualified for any of their jobs?

Would there "HIGH-END" clients tolerate someone like me? Fat and funky. Am i responsible enough? Capable enough? Organized enough? Confidant enough? (HAHAHAHA)

I'm not fashion-conscious. At all. I have no desire to be. I'm far from skin and bones. Projecting a certain "image" almost disgusts me. I don't want to be a corporate cog. However, i wouldn't mind making good money. I wouldn't mind dressing up ONCE IN A WHILE. I guess mostly i don't want to be a slave to a machine. I want to be my own person and own my own life. I want room for creativity and growth and kindness. I want my life's work to be meaningful and worthwhile. I want to love and give to people. Not pad other people's bank accounts or be an errand-girl. So what if i can type real fast and follow orders.?! Big fucking deal. Shouldn't i be doing more than clerical bullshit? And if so, then what? And if so, how?
And if i'm this intimidated by the prospect of being an errand-girl cog - what realistic plan to i have to supercede that?

I have some thinking to do. Plotting.

But first thing's first. I go to the interview and i do the best i can. I don't concern myself with the outcome. That's not the point. The point is expanding myself and trying something that unnerves me a bit. It's not allowing other people's perceptions of me dictate how i feel about myself or who i am. It's knowing i am perfectly fine regardless of anything/anyone else. I am worthwhile. Kind. Loving. Good. I am success by the nature in which i live my life, not because of the "achievements" i collect and display upon my wall.

Right Omega?!

;-)

Right.

I'll be okay.

I'm not going to worry.

It's an adventure.

I'ts going to be fun.

Having it easy can be so hard

Or should i say its easy to make it hard.
We carry our selves wherever we go; the conflicts, the strife the insecurites.
Dormant.
Waiting.
Opportunistically scheming the next nefarious attack.

I love my 10 minute jaunts to the store and/or pharmacy. I always feel so invigorated and alive afterwards. Doesn't take much, does it? But it sure works.

Anger

sucks.

It is my most difficult emotion. How do you deal with it? Where does it go? Where can you put it? How do you get rid of it? Like, QUICKLY?

I hate it.

It sucks.

It's virulent. It disgusts me. It makes me mad. (At myself for feeling it.) Its all consuming. It makes me feel a complete loss of control.

I just want it to g o a w a y.

Forever.

In therapy they emphasized the positive aspects: that its a signal that something is wrong, that you're sensibilities are being violated. That there is underlying hurt. It's a call to action. It indicates the presence of an inner power ready for invokation. All well and good intellectually speaking, but in real life,

it sucks.

Bad.

I hate it.

die anger die

To Spawn or Not to Spawn

I like Chai. Inspiration hit us and we bought some. Now i have the good fortune of drinking it every day. Morning and night. With soymilk and sweetner it's warm and sweet and richly flavored. Tea makes me feel so adult. The Cutie schooled me last night though. He looked at me in abject horror upon noticing i'd left my bag in the cup while i sipped. "Any tea drinker knows better," he said. It becomes bitter and changes the quality. Is that for real? I'm gonna look it up and find out just because i find it curious. How does he know these things? Why does he know like, everything? About everything?

ARG. In broad print the very first site here corroborates his story! Damm him!

::pout::

So, what is "tanin" anyway? I can't figure it out. What does it do? Why is it in tea? Or should i say, why don't you want it in tea? Did he learn about this in London? I always wonder how he knows the things he knows. Public television? Internet? Innate brilliance? I know, i know, it's the latter.

So our collective parents are giving the thumbs up on reproduction. We've agreed that they're out of their collective minds. Us? Spawning? Is that legal? Are we allowed to do that? I told him i still feel like i'm 12 years old. So what's this creepy talk about babies?! Ew! What the hell? Guess our folks are going through some sorta phase or something? Some emerging desire to acheive grandparenthood status? I dunno - it's over my head. All i know is it's weird! Afterall, weren't they the ones just scolding me for a messy car and eating with my coat on last month? And now i'm capable of birthing my own little ones?!! Get your story straight people. Which is it, am i an adult or aren't i?!

The Cutie and I discuss it in passing often. I guess you could call us ambivalent.

How do you know when it's the right time? How do you know if you'd regret it? How do you know you'd be a good parent? How do you know you're everything you're supposed to be to facilitate that? How do you know you wouldn't fuck up an innocent little one's life? Or your own for that matter?

RP and Autumn sure seem to enjoy it. Their stories and anecdotes are so endearing. So sweet. It's hard to not find their experiences enticing.

But then, the responsibility.

The commitment.

I mean, that's 20 years of your life!
Down the drain?

Goodness, that's alot to think about.

But no rush.

Or is it? How many years do i have left to figure it out? Maybe not as many as i'd like. Maybe not enough for me to ever feel confidant about the decision. Secure. So what then? Go for it? Not make a decision until it's made for me by the hands of time?

Mr. A said once that i'd be a wonderful parent. "Magical," he said.

I couldn't believe it.

I wondered why.

I don't know, but it sure touched me to hear that he believed it. I'd never heard anything like that before. It meant alot.

The Cutie is showering. What are we going to do today? It is Saturday which is not unlike any other day around here. Somehow it seems we should have some fun. A movie? Will he go?

Monday i need to find work. My plan is to sign up with a temp service and keep it simple. What will i wear? How will i get there? I'm so unprepared for work. It's been so long. I'm so nervous.

But i need to do it.

I won't feel right until i do.

Home

Clumsily pulling 3 overstuffed suitcases, i turned the corner and locked eyes with a grinning Cutie, waiting patiently for me behind the gate. He kissed me on the cheek and whisked me away to the car. At home there waited a special greeting in the doorway. Deliciously we lingered - soaking up each other after having been apart for so long.

It's good to be home.

It's good to be in his arms.

Tired. Satisifed. Stoked.

It's 1:20am and i've just let myself into my folks home. They're sound asleep as i would like to be. However, i am debating whether i should leave again to go get contact solution. I'm leaning towards not, since i'm afraid the loud garage door may wake them. (Again?) When i called them this afternoon to make sure it was okay to arrive so late, they said the door doesn't wake them, but i'm not sure that that's the truth. Maybe they were just being nice? My Mom has to work early in the morning, and my Dad is a light sleeper. (And cranky) ...On the other hand, i've been wearing these things for like 2-3 days. Which is baaad. I don't want to get unpleasant chalizons again like a did years ago likely due to the same sort of neglect.

That sucked.

To get rid of them, (the chalizions,) it required slicing up the ol' eyeballs (which,um, kinda hurt) and they oozed nasty bloody goo for days while i was blinded by two soggied eye patches. That was probably the most vulnerable i've ever felt. For 2 days i sat alone and still on my couch - disoriented and hungry, crying lonely stinging tears. You should try being blind for 48 hours (by yourself.) It's a real trip, that's for sure. I learned alot: like just how isolated i really was, how sad that made me, how much i hated to depend on people, how i couldn't ask for help, and how much i liked to see!
Anyway.

I'm going home.
A special, real home because Cutie wants me to feel comfortable and so painted the/his/our walls. He also was going to print our photos and hang them before i got back until junklifedakine interferred. That's okay. It's still a very sweet gesture. It makes me feel great. It makes me happy.

Thankyou Cutie!!!

Regardless of recent whining, I'm feeling very grateful for this whole experience. Regardless of my friends' and Guru's shortcomings, i feel extremely grateful that i am allowed to be in their lives. Regardless of nervewracking emails with the Cutie, i'm grateful that despite his pain and frustrations he continues to put effort into making things work. That's alot of gifts for one person to receive.

I am lucky.

Very very lucky.

Today was predictably a crazy, busy final day. Lots of scampering about gathering things, video-ing Eimaj dancing, copying music (shhhh. don't tell), dropping off presents, saying goodbyes, adding up what i owed the Guru, packing (sorta) - well, really i just threw everything into the backseat and passenger seat of the car. I figured i'd do the serious packing tomorrow while here at the parents'. I think i accumlated so much dnc related materials that i'll need to buy a second suitcase. I'm particularly stoked about all the cool books i picked up. Like this one!!!
(The Guru showed me her impressive copy signed first by the suject and later the author who playfully complained to her about the prescence of his signature, "Hey! It's MY book!" I amazed me how the Guru knows these people personally. I bet its valuable .) And also some rather academic ones that won't be as fun, but are necessary to my studies and will come in handy to use as a reference tools. So, that's cool too.

The Guru gave me one of her costumes. I am so honored. These costumes are impossible to buy/have made outside of India and i have never owned one before. When i used to perform alot, i'd simply borrow one from the School then have to give it back each time. Now i have my very own beautiful purple silk costume. And most especially, it was passed on by my Guru! That's gotta be good energy, right?! Wow. I am so excited. I also picked up the bells, jewlery, music and makeup necessary for a complete performance outfit I'm totally ready to go! Oh yeah, and The Guru also gifted me with some cute little sparkely stick-on bndis authentic eye khl. awwwwwwww.. So sweet! Now what i must do is continue working. Not give up. Stay connected. Keep learning. Maintain motivation and believe in myself. I hope to fly the Guru out in November for her to give a workshop. Perhaps i can return for another visit in 4 months as Eimaj suggested. And if i continued at that rate, that would be 3 months a year. It seems significant! Like a realistic way to stay in form. (As long as i continued on my own.)

I don't know.

What do you think?

If it wasn't for The Cutie's suggestion that i inquire about a return trip NOW in the midst of my current visit, i'm quite certain i never would have done it. It was both an excellent suggestion and highly supportive. It gave me permission to continue and a path to make it happen. Gotta love Capricorns. What would a scattered Scorpio do without them?

Wow. I'm in line for the ferry, and what do you know - there's a wireless internet connection!!!!

AMAZINGLY AWESOME!

I'm on my way to my parents who will take me to the airport tomorrow. My month long dancing excursion has come to an end.

Looking at the dock from my car on the ferry

Stiff, Sore and Discouraged

Two days left.
I feel like i'm a hundred years old. The Guru is destroying with me her relentless gushing about Eimaj and the extent to which i pale in comparison. Does she really think she's trying to help me? Is she really so oblivious as to overlook how put-downs squash my spirits as opposed to motivate me to work harder? Does she really think it's even relevant to my individual progress? I'm not here to get better than everyone else or care if they're better than me. I'm here to learn. To do the best i can for me. Jesus! I am so sick of it. Sick of it sick of it sick of it!! Regardless of my efforts to deflect these things, they have toxic effects. If i hear her mention how my face no longer glows THE WAY EIMAJ'S DOES, the way IT WHEN I LEFT, and she doesn't know why or what's happened to me, i. am. going. to. LOSE CONTROL. I'm going to wave my arms, jump up and down and shriek in outragiously horrific tones. The entire neighborhood will lose their hearing from the earthshaking volume of my uncontrollable fury.

SICK OF IT.

Okay now that i got that out, i'm back off to campus to finish up 2 more hours of class. I snuck away to come "home" to get my video camera. Wouldn't you know? The one day i don't bring it is the day i can finally use it. I plan to video Eimaj doing as many dances as possible so i'll have something to bring to NY with me so i can recall choreography and continue on my own. This may be the most important part of my visit since really, how much can you learn/progress in one measly month anyway? What i really need is practice and strengthing. Stamina only comes through repetition and time, regardless of what i wish my body would now do.

OKAY GURU???!?!??! OKAY?!?!?

Geez.







GEEZ!!!!!

KunchitaPada

2nd Generation Old School

The bass was so loud it made my nose tingle. I felt the deep thumping in my chest and contemplated whether at those decibals the vibrations could shift matter and if so, then why couldn't it fuck up the rythymn of a human heart? I pondered whether loudass Snoopdog ever initiated a heart attack before. Oh well, i consoled myself, at least we'll all go deaf together. It was sexy actually. The leather. The darkness. The intoxication of weed drenched air. More so even when passing cops failed to interrupt tokes, or generate even a passing concern. Maine pimpin in his black satin getup, gold watch, and fedora covered old school curl. Shell with her giant rolling laugh punctuating every statement.

I love them. It's hard to believe how the years have passed. They've come so far. Their babies are bigger than me now! I'll never forget visiting their sardine can of an apartment in Arizona - bodies and kids crashed out everywhere - the couch, the floor: the mighty Maine with babies in each of his arms - rocking one while feeding the other as Shell warmed the next bottle in the kitchen. Winter and i slept on the ground crammed between two beds, next to us his crazy detoxing Mother, next to his kids, next to his kids his siblings: I doing my best to ignore the snarling crazy lookin pitpulls making menacing eyes at me, hungrily clawing the screen door while staring me down.

It wasn't easy for them. It wasn't always cheerful. But they got through it. They're still together and going strong. They work hard. The have a nice home. They did the things. They made their fun along the way. The love their kids and each other. What more could you want?

I see them being together for a long, long time. I see them being old together. I see them spoiling and loving their grandkids. The kinda couple that commands respect. Badass oldschoolers that all the youngsters look up to for wisdom and lean on for direction.

I talked a long while with Shell tonight. About family. About life. About love. She is so incredible. She spoke to straight to my heart. It was a short time, but a gift to spend with her. I hope to get back in time tomorrow night to go out. My departure date is fast approaching.

Anyway, the performance was silly - but fine. It's good practice, it gets me back in the mode. I can't complain.We took a whole roll of film afterwards which made the 3 hours of getting in costume worth it. Even drove a few minutes to the falls for a better background. Kinda forgot that we'd be directly under a view front restaraunt - but we posed and clicked nonetheless, walking barefoot in the snail covered grass, and brushing the rain off our silk costumes. Then we stood in the parking lot, Eimaj an i, again falling back to the topic of joining forces and doing our thing: performing regularly, making our own gigs. Trying to make it at least a part time thing. She says she's not good at self promotion, and i can relate - but i told not her to think of it as ego - think of it as business - market yourself like any other product - be legit - get the website going and flyers- make a business card and pass it out at every performance you do now with links (since you're performing all the time now anyway for the guru) (for free)- place ads in local pulications - encourage word of mouth - offer promotion deals and wheel it in. You gotta put yourself out there to get the ball rolling. Start small, make yourself available, diversify venues, provide literature and it will snowball from there. That's my 2 cents anyway. Not that i know what i'm talking about or anything, but it sounds good, right? Can't hurt! Better than putting years and years into something and getting stuck. Losing money to entertain someone else? Screw that! At very LEAST her expenses should be paid for a performance - . I mean, it's a big production - not just the dance itself but also the 2-3 hours getting in that crazy getup, commuting time, gas, costume cleaning -not to mention the large investment in years of lessons, in purchasing the rights to the music when one song can be over $100, the costume and bells, trips to India, etc. And time. Of course time. Years and years of time. Anyway, that's all worth something, there's nothing wrong with getting paid.

Right?

Second Rate

I am the most sensitive person on earth.
Look at me funny and you might make me cry.
Tickle my fragile ego with a feather and it will burst.
Suggest i am nothing and that's what i become.
Vapid and empty.
Wretched and slight.
A vague mediocre shadow of what could have been.







PATHETIC!!!!!


I'm trying to get ready for my performance but i don't even care about it now, i am depressed. (Yes, a g a i n.) And always. (It seems.) Maybe i was born to be unhappy. Maybe i am doomed. Maybe it is just impossible to exist with paper thin skin. It would be so much simpler to just give up.

HOLY SHIT

Someone found my blog through a search engine with the name of the dance! EEEEEEEEKS!!!! That's bad! That's terrible! What am i going to do?!?!? It was a word that i had spaced out like t h i s, but apparently the spaces were not accounted for when they did the search! WHAT?! Should i go back and erase all dance related words completely, or do i simply erase those posts? And even if i erase all lof those posts, won't they still be in the Big Ominpotent Internet Brain Banks? OH NO!!!!! OH NO!!

And on further panic alerts:
Um. Is there some reason why no one pointed out as i was babbling on about "a whole other day to rehearse" that yesterday was in fact Thursday not WEDNESDAY as i had thought. Yes, TODAY is my performance. Terrific. Just lovely. Here i we go again?! Wah!

Spiritual Eroticism

This dance makes me feel pretty. Feminine. Alluring again. At first it felt silly. Awkward. Like i was pretending to be something i wasn't. The seductive upward and downward glances made me self conscious. The emphasis on the slow torso moves felt naughty - like i was drawing illicit attention to my breasts. The deep outward bending of the knees left me feeling open and exposed. It was like starting all over again - i was an alien and having to reaquaint my body with another language. But my body remembers now. It's channeling an energy that is connected to the ground. It's moving and emoting with a different, more spiritual flow.

Random Act of Kindness

This doesn't happen every day.

I purchased 4 items on the way back to the Guru's house at the grocery store this afternoon: a bag of veggies, a container of pineapple, wheat thins and a pack of gum. I paid and headed for the door when i heard urgently raised voices from behind me - "MISS! MISS!" I did a mental scan: did i forget my purse? No. My bankcard? No. My food? No. Well then, surely they're not talking to me. "MISS! MISS!" I slowed and turned my head. The cashier and her customers were staring at me. What the?

"YOU FORGOT YOUR GUM!"

I almost laughed. Silly people. It's just gum! Relax! It's okay! I'll live! "That's okay," i said, "no big deal." and tried to walk away - but they were so concerned about the welfare of my missing item - they wouldn't let it go! The customer spoke inaudibly to the cashier and then motioned to the gum. She paid for it! The complete and total stranger paid 99 cents for my gum! A total stranger!! For me!! And gave it to me.

Can you believe that?

Can you believe that?!

Isn't that the nicest person ever?

Isn't that cool?!

Astonished, i pulled a dollar out of my pocket and tried to give it to her. She protested profusely. She didn't want it but i insisted. What a humbling moment. There are still nice people. There are people who are good.

Aspirin?

All alone, I'm in the living room sorting her papers and watching awesome footage of world renown dancers from her trips to I n d i a. She won't return from her conference until Saturday and although i'm dissapointed to lose lesson time, i'm glad for the quiet respite. I like people, but i also like to be alone. After a brief visit to the gregarious Miss D on the way back from the airport, i came home and napped hoping to assuage a pounding head. I meant to rehearse today so to avoid a repeat of last Friday's abysmal performance, but somehow i felt too drained. Maybe later tonight i'll run through it on the carpet and there's always tomorrow left as well.

Unexpected Pull

I've discovered how much i miss it here; this place, being on campus, having friends. The dancers and my second family are pleading with me to stay. I'm feeling loved. My Auntie Evelyn may be dying and needs someone to help take care of her. My parents seem to miss me and want me around. But i just moved to NY with The Cutie and am about to make a place there! Oh my.

Maybe that's the advantage of leaving and coming back: for a moment you're treated royally, like a superstar. But i bet when you're back for good the luster fades and you're back to a run-of-the-mill Miss Ordinary. Maybe that goes for my perception of the environment here too. You know how after you've been somewhere for an extended period of time, regardless of it's beauty how you begin to stop seeing it? How it ceases to exist? Like people: how we stop appreciating and noticing each other after constant interaction through time: how we forget to note how much we care. Is it possible to not take each other for granted? Can we stay present and freshly relate after years?

Can i afford this??????????

Costume
Practice Sari(s)
Practice Outif
White Metal Jewlery (Complete Costume Set)
Real Silver Head Ornament
Real Silver Bun Ornament
Bun Crown
Real Silver Rings (6)
Red dye for fingers and feet
B e l l s
Red Polish/Waterproof Foundation/White pencil/jewlery case/safety pins/bobby pins/water bottle/disposable camera

Books:
The GG (a religous text that the dance is based about a love affair between a good and mortal woman)
The NS (the 2000 year old dance treatise)

Music & Videos
3 blank video tapes
5 blank audio tapes
1 blank CD
photocopies of B.N.book

Lessons:
Private (10-12?) and Group (1 mth)

Postcards/Coffee-teas/plants & fountain present for Guru/

Holy shit. What am i doing? Do i need this or not? Is this an opportunity or am i getting carried away? Am i being greedy? Want-y? Or practical with measured consideration. Who knows when/if ever i'll go to I n d i a and be able to get this stuff myself? So, yes it's more expensive to buy from the Guru, but so is an overseas plane ticket to get the stuff on my own and/or shipping.

But will it be a waste? Will i really use it all? Well, i need to ask myself, am i really going to dance? Can i continue on my own? Am i going to peter out? Will i be able to maintain discipline and routines without support? Will these goodies collect dust in a closet or will they put to immediate and regular use?

Will i pursue this dream, or won't i?

I don't want to go home broke. But I don't want to pass up opportunities because of doubt.

Arg!

I absolutely hate to spend money!