dreams just now:

(typing with eyes closed:)

mom and i are standing on a cliff thousands of feet above the ocean. i think i see whales below and try look but feel dizzy and am scared of slipping. i ask her, do you see? she looks over, but does not. i lie flat on my stomach and look again. i'm excited and feel an urgency to see them... she trys again. while standing leans over. it seems she's more able to control herself and its not as scary/ hard as for me. i'm terrifed i will lose my balance and tumble over. within an instant i see that she is plunging below and is allready just a speck. she is gone. my heart breaks and i instnatly follow her and jump, thinking, i can't let her be alone. ambulances will never find her, it will be too late. if anything can be done to help her, which is doubtbul, the only chance would be now, and so i follow. i doubt either of us will survive but i can't imagine at least living with the pain of at least not trying. at least we will die together.
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parents are living in a large/mansion like home. i visit briefly. my dad is putting me down, attacking me, insulting and barraging me with unfair irrational rude criticisms. i yell back to defend myself and decide to take off. i hear him continuing on about me through the door/wall/window and i turn around and return through the front door to rebutt is assanine insults. i am furious. mom says a couple, meak, "well, not ALWAYS" but its not convincing. she never stands up for me. i feel venomous hate in the moment while always being aware that i will soon feel guilty after the dispute... i speed off in my vehicle
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i have a date with michael jackson. hes a nice, firendly down to earth guy. easy to talk to and normal despite the media hype and rumors. its good fun. i like him
_________________________________--
there's a magic field with various plants and mushrooms, patches of dirt, shrubbery, spirits, energy areas, and is to be set up on a date with a young, doctor. i think he seems interesting, but she's not so impressed.

i am holding a crying baby. it's j's i think. there are many people around. the baby crys and crya and then suddenly stops and go stills. i think i've killed it and am scared. a woman next to me says that's silly and exclaims its just sleeping! ok.

after this, the event begins. that doctor guy will be there and i am excited to "see him" it is some sort of fundraising even. 8 people get in costumes and what not on the street corner to attract attention. he and i are dressed up like lions. there are 3 middleaged, heavy women who, on cue, race across the street in unison, all wearing hideous tight orange costumes, the tgl is one of them

i'm in the restroom with papers and a calculator and bottle of pills. i'm trying to calculate how many pills i need to take. i borrowed the calculator from the group home. i have out 4 iplls to take but they fall back into the container that is filled iwth water and begin dissolving. i fish to get them out and it is a big mess. i put the half dissolved once back in and take out the handful of unwet ones. a staff comes in the pulic restroom looking for the calcultor. from behind the stall i volunteer before getting in trouble, "i have it!!" and i feel their suspicion. i push it out under the stall for them.
________________________----
with the encouragement of parents i buy a big white jeep like lexus. again, it drives fast and feels uncontrollable. it is raining outside and hard to see. but the fancy lexus windshield wipers work great and clear it, momentarily.. i have friends with me. anj is one, i think. i feell excited but slightly concerned about the spontaneous decision. its nice to have such a tremendous nice quality thing that i never though i could have. but i know it will soom (by tommorw) be quite a burden ... in the moment though, i used the excuse as my parents encouragement to just go for it. by them agreeeing, it made it ok.

And I am at home.
Racing. So much to say because so much to contemplate. Where to begin?
I'm afraid i might miss some, and my new explosive desire to record every detail foiled. I am suddenly so fascinating. I hang on my every thought. Let there be no bit unexplored.. I will excavate & reveal it all, immune to protests and accusations of illusions of grandeur. For each insult i will push inside out like an aloha shirt and reveal the cavities to be not only unashamedd, but reveling in the exposure! "Yesss," i will say sweetly, " I AM self-absorbed," and grinning triumphantly add "aren't you?!"

Its just all so terribly fascinating. The more I listen to my thoughts, the more i hear they have to say. Suddenly, i am hungry, starved to hear more, to hear all, and record them here. I'm making more and more mental notes. "Oh. I'll have to blog that!" "And that!" And i begin to construct the sentences in my mind, strategizing for my next shot on a computer.

Maybe i'll get a laptop and carry it with my everywhere i go. Maybe i'll want to write so much that that will be all that i do, all day long; interact, write, observe, write, buy a slurpee, write. write about the slurpee texture and slurpee taste and the middleaged 711 clerk who handed me my change and the spikes in her purple hair. Yeah! How about that?

Pretty soon, i will be writing so much with such frequency, the gap between thoughts and blog will become so minimzed, that the blog WILL be my thoughts, and i will be an extension of my blog and my brain and being my blog. Uhohcouldbegoingcrazy. wahaha

Isn't that what the whole recent "Reality TV" craze is all about afterall? This fascinating hunger for "real" lives? What is it about observing even the mundane (allbeait glitzed up in quick-cuts w/ a bumping score, and edited to emphasize conflict) that has become such a phenomenon? What does this speak to culturally, sociologically (is that a conjugation?), philosophically? When out of harmony, there innately lies an urge towards reintegration.

Bathroom break

Back. A THOUGHT. Is there a correspondence between this energetic excitement, this gush of thought to my moon time which began today? COOL!!!!!!

Where was I?

When out of harmony, there innately lies an urge towards reintegration, (i think.) And America is sour with sickness; alienation. And the disease is a pervasive one, both severe and deadly. How many of your friends/acquaintance/relatives/coworkers/loved ones are (often secretly) on anti-depressants? How many struggle to fill their pit of despair? Alcohol, sex, sports, "relationships", TV, food, video games, work - ANYTHING to absorb the time and space and contain it. But a sponge can only hold so much before leaking, and every day the cracks in this illusive dream visible.

We naturally are driven towards an antidote, something that resembles the connectedness we all long for and are designed to enjoy. Do we see it? Not actively. Modernists that we are, we are well-conditioned animals that now wash in machines, cook in a buttoned boxes, and suck away our shit in pipes - invisiblizing its very existence with aerosol sprays - so why should we imagine a need to find "it"? It ought to just be here, now. Why look for something that isn't defined as a problem? The unchallenged glory of America is its independence and individuality after all! To otherwise address it would be heresy!

Besides, its so much easier to eat a Twinkie and flip on "Friends." I can get by today. Jump from diversion to diversion and make it to sleep. I think.

We are alive, but are we living?
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 12:10 AM Thursday, April 29, 2004

I think this would be a time when I would eat without being hungry. I wonder what that pull is. Is there an underlying emotion? Tension?
Part of me is now feeling resentful about being here maybe. Unappreciated. Restricted. Unable to fully provide an awesome job because i need to now restrict my hours, per the owner. What can i possibly accomplish in 12 hours a week? It's so frustrating. 40 hours would barely touch this place its so far behind. 6 years of no upkeep has taken a disasaterous toll. I understand that he's concerned about money and is a frugal man. But, why can't he see the long-term value and make the investment? Damm its frustrating. Having to hold back. Maybe it kicks in my black & white thinking; if i can't do it perfect, than why bother. Adjusting is difficult.
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 9:00 PM

I just can't get going today at the office. My mind feels stop and go. Jolted. Fragmented. Can't get going. Like continually pulling the string of a lawnmower.
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 8:57 PM

Its so nice to be around a family. I like to pretend its mine. The owner, the owner's nephew, the nephew's girlfried, the owner's brother and his two sons all live in the same house. Tonight when the sun went down, the brother, who loves to cook, fired up a barbeque and threw down some Hui Hui chicken & spicy porkchops on the deck. We sat under the stars, our paperplates of goodies lit by two citronella candles, and their two cute little doggies scampering about our feet. I just loved it. Its a mellow party everynight there; rock music, beer, and kids playing catch. What more could you want in life?
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 4:10 AM Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Maybe part of my disjointedness is my whacked hours; staying up until 4am, waking up late, running home, falling asleep again. Today i slept past my alarm at work until 845am! DANGER! Precariously close to running into the staff meeting! Then accidently snoozed at home half-clothed and didn't reemerge until nearly noon. Panicked, I showered and raced to my car to see if I had another parking ticket to add to my other $1000 worth. (I didn't. Thank GODDESS) So, its kinda still morning for me then. (even though its afternoon) I guess lots of people are groggy for the first couple hours of the day.
i need to work on my schedule.
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 9:11 PM

I just came from an emotional group tonight. Now here at work (group home) Can't type much because my coworker just arrived from picking up a client. But felt like a day of movement. Maybe moving towards growth. I hope. Many feelings were evoked. Fear/anger/hurt/shame/frustration....

I shared that I have been blogging. I felt it to be poorly received. Instead of sharing my celebration and excitement, it seemed i was judged/and warned of the danger of a certain situation. I didn't like it but didn't know how far i should pursue/argue my perspective. It hurt that I was misunderstood. I maybe regret mentioning it. My secret unhonored. My vulnerability exposed. One member in particular seems to be "attacking" me though subtly. I felt judged and put down but had done nothing wrong and didn't deserve it. What right to people have to interject their expectations on me, my belief systems and thoughts. They don't. I think its fair game to have reactions to each other and express feelings, but in that, I feel there's an obligation to claim those feelings as your own, and not project them onto someone else. That said, my challenge is learning how to not be overwhelmed, overtaken and disempowered by other peoples thoughts/beliefs. Just because I may be disapproved of, disliked or even despised, I need to be able to resist that. Otherwise, I will continually tiptoe through life avoiding conflict, other's dissastifaction and really, people altogether. Yes that's it. Absolutely. I avoid people because I feel my personal boundaries to be so penetrable, that i can not withstand their thoughts. Their criticism. The slightest of provocation, or even perception of such leaves me in rubble. I'll explore this more later...

Feeling highly fearful in general the past couple weeks. The facilitator interpreted that has a fear of vulnerability, to which is clearly true. I feel a tremendous urge to run, hide, cover myself completely, go invisible and be anywhere but there. Its painfully strong. I described the feeling in my body; There's a tightness in my chest. I clench my hands and arms together. My hands are sweating and a I pull my legs together and up. Everything feels tight and i feel tense and afraid. Yet there is "no reason." (Consciously at that moment.) Of course there is much more to the picture which I look forward to discovering. I'm enjoying observing the experience and the facilitator offered an nice opportunity to explore further tonight. I appreciate that.

I woke up late at work (9am) and am freaked out that the staff will return to the house. (I usually time-it just right, and sneak out of the house when the staff departs to drive the girls to school. That way, I don't have to interact at all, and it perpetuates the illusion that i am still teaching school during the days. I fear if they know my teaching job has ended, they may begin to ask/demand that i work on-line shifts instead of my lovely sleeper evening shift. I want deeply to avoid that. And them. I would run out now, but i realized that i have no clothes to wear because i fell asleep last night with them in the washing machine and am desparately drying them as I type! HURRY HURRY HURRY HURRY HURRY DRYER! DRY DRY DRY! THE CLOCK IS TICKING!

Dream When Waking up Today

Relief, Freedom, New Beginnings, Awkwardness, & Discomfort

My mom finlly left my Dad. I am sent to a group home. But I am thrilled. There are maybe 40 other teenagers. People everywhere. An Aunt is there (my moms sister i believe). I say exactly how i feel to her and my Mom repeatedly about multiple issues. I let loose and "tell it all," everything that i've been keeping inside for so long. I cry to my mom that i am so relieved that she's finally left him, and now we can truly begin our lives. She had no idea i felt this way and she hugs me. i hope she is relieved from thinking its shamesful to leave and that i might dissaprove. I want her to feel supported. When she leaves the Group Home that I was just admitted to, i feel scared to be with all these unfamilar people in this new situation & am a little lonely and miss the old life. (that i hated)

There is some sort of meeting and we gather in a large circle. Some young arrogant representative of the group begins talking and speaks to me as if we've already spoken before, and that I understand the details of what he's saying. (I don't) He continues; "The room available won't be available long at this rate (fee)" . So, he wants an immediate decision from me as to whether or not i will "take it" since it is in high demand and will be taken by someone else otherwise. I believe it is my deceased Grandfather's house that we are in (my mothers father.)

We have dinner. But first there is a prayer. There an awkwardness with the two boys beside me about whether to hold hands or not. After hesitation, we do. (I think they may be 2 goodlooking real-life students)

After dinner it is time for chores. I observe a bit & then enter the small kitchen alone. It is dirtied and in disaray. I place my hands on a counter to the left, and the stove to the right and push myself around into a back flip. There is a small, rag that slides under my right had and create a tiny fire, but i am quickly and easily able to put it out. I doubt anyone will notice or catch me. I won't get in trouble. The flip was still worth it. I can hardly contain my superhuman abilities. It's like magic.

I realize that I am able suddenly do amazing acrobatics everywhere! I can jump in the air and do multiple flips. Its like i am no longer weighted down by gravity. I'm thrilled and excited about my ability to do awesome dance moves. I hadnt any idea that i could do it but it feels like a great release and thrilling. I am thoughts about teaching/bringing in some of my new housemates and creating a routine. I think they'd like that because it would be cool. I bet they'd be surprised what i can do when i'm so fat but i'll prove that i'm worthwile. It feels odd and intimidating to be the new person amongst so many. I worry some about fitting in, but am so excited and happy to me i'm not obsessively worried.

While they are doing chores, I observe the woman in charge who comes by and scolds a group of boys for not vacuuming. (Only 2 people are vacuming.) They protest, "but there aren't anymore vacuums." Then I walk to my potential "new room" and check it out. There in the room are dozens and dozens of vacuums sitting. I wonder if I should say anything. (?)


I suddenty recongnize a housemate there. I enthusiastically approach and greet her and in my mind i am aware that others peers might see that i know somone and that may boost my status in the house. She was my student; Mle a student that always more mature and older seeming one in class, appropriate and a good positive influence. Her mother/adult relative was picking her up from the house to give her a ride to a dance club. I got excited and asked to go along to which she appeared uncomfortable about the idea. I retracted my request but didn't feel devestated. It suddenly occured to me that i have my OWN car and could even drive me self, (if i reALLLY wanted to go that bad.) But i realize i don't really care. It sounded like fun at the time but I'm ok with it. Besides, its a long way to go and probably confusing to find.

At the end, I see another new housemate. (I think it is hannah) I am worried and hope she's read my comments. When I tell her i left them on her blog yesterday, she's shocked and doesn't believe that it true, that i really left any. I protest and am worried.

This is all that i remember at this moment but it was a long multilayered dream, i think. More fuzzy & indescrible than other recent ones.

I am tired again. Wouldn't quite know what to write anyway. Earlier today I wondered if i'll reach a point where i'll have simply blank days with nothing of interest to say here. Nothing notable. Blank. I can say though, briefly though today, that i was highly upset by the office owner today, i felt slighted, exasperated. But I know he means well and don't want to take it personally. I'll elaborate later some other time.

Then to group therapy at 530pm. Felt like a drag to be there at first. Like, "I don't want to do this today. Go there." Sometimes i just want to be done with that getting in touch with the real you/real feelings stuff amd then consequently feel sad or even tortured - sucked into an what can feel like an abyss - topsyturvy - and then trying to care about it or maintain hope for something better. Sometimes i'll actually be having a "good day", but seem unable to maintain that state of mind when i get in that purple lowlit 24th floor suite. I am pulled under again. Like people at the bottom of a swimming pool tugging at my feet. Numbing out does have its beguiling appeal - you can avoid all of this. (On some level) But of course, its never ACTUALLY this simple as our minds would never truly allow this completely. That stuff is always still with us and will percolate up other unexpected, uncontrollable places, where we least desire it. (IE: Addictions, Neurosis', Dysfunction)

I sat quietly for the first 1 1/2 hour but then did express that ("i don't wanna be here tonight etc") when eventually called on which surprisngly provided some immediate relief. I find it unendingly fascinating what a impact such a seemingly "little" thing can make. Saying what I think. What I feel. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is.

I think also, its easy for me to sit mute and slide into a state of self-pity and isolation. And then when finally acknowledged (called upon) i feel a sense of being rescued or validated or suddenly seen and real. I don't like this pattern and ought to work to break it. Break out of the role of "victim." I see how my own perception/behaviors can play into that sense of alienation.

I don't even like to join the group on breaks. It feels uncomfortable and awkward. Yet, when someone joins me, sitting alone in the adjoining room, I usually enjoy it.

I was awed by new members today. The gave brave feedback to each other and discussed their previous feelings of frustrations/anger/irriation at each other. It was quite brave and exciting to witness. And they only just begun group in the past week or so. Amazing. I still am not there yet.

I really react to one women's stories about her husband. I want to kill him. He sounds like such an asshole!! The spitting image of my Dad. Says and treats her in some identical ways that I was treated growing up. Only its her HUSBAND! I want to scream at her LEAVE THAT BASTARD YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one does!!!!!

No one does.

I hate hearing about it. It makes me fume. And feel helpless. I want to kick his ass and make him treat her right.

The most tragic piece is her 10 year old daughter whos already developing the same/similar fucked up disordered eating patterns and internal angst. The patterns are so clear. I want to wave my wand and end their pain.

Just discovered an element of what bothered me tonight in Group;
by giving me warnings to heed, the covert message is; "We don't trust you to know what's best for you. We question your judgment."
THAT REALLY FUCKING MAKES ME MAD. I'm not a stupid person. And i think i have decent intuition. I'm insulted! >:0(

Cool, a good discovery.

Geez. Wouldn't you know. I ALMOST MADE IT! If only i'd left a few split seconds earlier, our paths would not have crossed. But instead, as I opened the door to walk out, in came the morning staff. "Hi Indyinn!" I greeted her enthusiastically. And lamented, "It seems I'm always on my way out when you're just arriving!" and we chuckled together good humoredly. I moderated my departing speed, though desparate to get away.

Traveled along the coast to get to job #2. The office job. Where I sit now. Although it seems "bad" weather is an impossibility in this state, today appears an especially radiant day. The colors are vivid and the water's beauty is of mythic proportions. "I really do live here," I observed silently driving past a surfer.

So, where is the owner's girlfriend? I was only asked to come in today because I was to teach her how to use Quickbooks and give a tour of the work that I've done creating a system of organization. I wonder if she's avoiding me? I hear through the grapevine that she is "jealous" and doesn't like having me here. Thus the owner's decision that we will begin to "split the hours" here during the week. (I am to come in 4 hours Mon, Wed, Fri and she, Tues/Wed/Thur)

I'll try to take the informants advice, "Don't worry about it too much. Just roll with it."

I felt like massive shit most of the day. Just nasty. Unsightly, bloated, discolored, trailertrash bad. I drove to Wallmart and fit right in. (politically correct people suck-beans anyway) While there, I gave in and bought myself an Air Conditioner, because GoshDarnIt, I deserve it. Plus I quiver to imagine another summer of suffocation in my FurnaceBoxApartment. I wouldn't have minded getting a bigger one, but due to insufficient muscleage, I would be quite unable to get that monster up a flight of stairs and hoisted onto a window sill. Not without divine intervention that is, and I aint seen nothin divine in these here parts for days. So, a cute dainty 6000 BTU it was for me. I can't complain. I still felt powerful and mighty. It was the highlight of my day (which tells you the general quality of my life.)

Other than that expedition, lets see, what else did i do? um. Sleep. and. also.........................................yep that about covers it. Sleep. (in between naps) And then here to work at 7pm. Damm i love my life.

ARG! I can't move too well because my abdomen is all cramped up. I think its the Starbucks Frapachino kicking in. I'm typing sideways (only half doubled over) in the Group Home office while my trusty coworker Rick is scolding the girls down the hall - telling them to be quiet and go to bed. This is always the best part of the night here. Bedtime. Pressure's off, time to blare up the TV, kick-back and cruise till the end of the shift. Oops. 10,000 negative points for Jodie, I just overheard. I'd go give him a hand if only I could stand up. OW! ...Ok cool. He just walked by to grab her pointcard & I got to check-in with him & see if he's ok. It's all good. Its nice working with him since I don't have to stress or mind-read. What a nice change - supporting each other. It's the shits when you work on-line with someone who'll only communicate passive aggressively through other staff members & not to you directly; someone who'll smile in your face while you find out is talking shit to anyone else who'll listen. (Generally, these are the women Counselors, I noticed.) You know, for a group of "counselors," supposedly "modeling" appropriate and healthy behaviors, we're one fucked-up group of individuals! Through the years here there have been times when I questioned who needed help more, us or the clients! Luckily though, the turnover rate at Group Homes tends to be so incredible that its only a matter of time before those problem staff cycle out and in-comes a new round of staff. Just like the clients. In and out. In and out. In and out. Can't get to attached. Can't get too worked-up.

The girls were good tonight. We have two new clients that I got to know a little bit tonight. I really feel I have good rapport with all the clients actually which makes life tons easier here. It's the new power-tripping staff that really have it tough. Sometimes it takes a while to get a pretty basic concept; be straight-up and respectful, and they'll be respectful back. No one's any different, adult, child or teenager. Especially teenagers because they're already struggling so much with their evolving identities and becoming their own self, separate from other's expectations and rules. In a way, that's their job as teenagers. Inevitably this concept butts heads with a highly structured, rule-based home with 12 young counselor "parents." Afterall, what do most fresh 20 year olds know about child rearing, let alone unruly, angry, abused teenagers? Its to be expected. I only wish we had a stronger leadership, and I mean from the very top down. I think the lower levels of an institution are direct reflections of the CEO's or Directors. Trickle down affect. If they don't give a shit at the top, than why would the little people at the bottom give a shit? If its only a game of numbers and dollar signs, thats reflected in the attitude throughout.

I have so many unanswered questions about the concept of the"Social Services," ~ this "business" of "helping people." Is that truly the priority, "helping?" How is that defined, I wonder? How is it qualified? (NOT quantified.) It seems there are lots of pitfalls to be aware of and avoided to preserve the integrity of an organization. Afterall bureaucracy at a Bank has an entirely different impact than the gravity of the effects of Social Service bureaucracy where people's lives are at stake, powerless pawns in the hands of wage slaves.

Boy was this a yawner of an entry. blah blah blah blah blah blah BLAH
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 3:23 AM Sunday, April 25, 2004

I have more to say but am getting too sleepy. (It's nearly 3am now) As I close my eyes, images from "Memento" are with me. Maybe I was too dismissive of it in my last post. No short term memory is interesting. It evokes lots of questions about life. Is life meaningful without the ability to form memories? What would motivate you to continue on? Or maybe, you're just too lost to know any better not too. I am glad for this movie in that it seems to continue where Drew Barrymore/Adam Sandler's "50 First Dates" supposed "comedy" left off. I found THAT movie disturbing actually. I don't know, something about having to be reintroduced to your children on a daily basis somehow just doesn't seem cute and fun.

And yet. Sometimes life seems like that anyway. All disjointed and broken up into little fragments of time. But the fragments parallel each other because instinct leads you repeatedly to the same behaviors; their fuctionality or appropriateness irrelavent. And then we attempt, for our comfort, to superimpose some sort of meaning on the whole affair, when really, it is all a sham, and that meaning we constructed is simply a roadmap that we send to ourselves of the future so that we can continue with the illusion that there is some sort of purpose, some sort of master plan; something to be done or accomplished. (IE: Religion) For without that, what is our drive to continue on? Memory could be considered a fallibility, I guess, when you think of it like that. Better to be self-trapped in your own repetitive game? Blissfully "unaware"?

Tonight when I left my apartment, there was some asshole peeing nearly on the front door of my neighbor. You'd think he'd be embarrassed, but he followed behind me to his car next to mine, looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Vile.

Sucky day. I woke up after 3pm. Unrested. Bored. Restless. Uncomfortable. Off. Didn't get much better from then on. Although I did go grocery shopping for the first time this year, well probably 2 years actually. That was entertaining. So many choices choices choices. Aisles and aisles of multicolored bottles and boxes and cans and bags of products products products. Averting contact with people with my wire rolly basket, looking down in case was a stray gaze. The only fucked up thing was the hyper-friendly employees who must be on some incentive plan to be "customer-friendly" or something What else could explain the dude that asked me 3 times within an aisle and a half, "HI! CAN-I-HELP-YOU-FIND-SOMETHING-THANKYOU!" ARG! GOOOO AWAYYYY I wanted to yell from my bloated cheeks. But instead of course I smiled sweetly and politely declined. (3x)

Then I went home & didn't know what to do with myself. Half heartedly watched "Memento" and then rewatched Woody Allen's "Hollywood Ending" more so out of default than interest. I wasn't particularly impressed by either. Not understanding the "brilliance" of Allen yet; I guess I'll need to investigate further with some of his earlier flicks.

Ate 1/2 a salad soggied by sitting in the car for an hour + while I shopped. Then a couple dried peaches. Then a diet root beer. Then some popcorn popped in the popcorn popper thats been sitting in my cupboard for years collecting cockroach droppings which I've been afraid to use but didn't care anymore and even attempted to wash today. In order to do that, I had to clear out the nasty dishes in my sink which had been collected stinky goo for over a year too. I used my brand new handy dandy scrub brush bought from the Miraculous Grocery Store voyage and cleaned the sink! It worked! Eureaka! I felt strong and powerful. I can conquer the world! HEAR ME ROAR!

Then back to the couch with Woody.

At some point I think I dozed off again & FORCED myself to wake up and come back here (to work) so I could check my email and more importantly add something in this blog. That seems to the most redeaming part of my life lately. Or at least, the most fun. (I don't know why?)

I felt a strong urge to come earlier. I wanted to recall my dream here. But its too late now, I think. (There's that "i think" thing again. ) Let me think................. Oh yes, I remember a sliver. My family (and extended family) leave on an outing together, but in their haste, they forget me. I go through great lengths to "catch up" with them, travel by foot, struggle through unfamiliar town, etc. Its a huge and difficult journey and I miss them terribly and feel horribly abandoned and unloved. I'd give anything for them to notice my abscence & save me since it would only require a quick, 5 minute drive to pick me up. Yet I have no way to ask for their help, I can't call or reach them in any way. I am completely helpless and alone. I have no money, access, or way to communicate. I know they are all together, having lots of fun on their trip. Finally, I find and arrive at their hotel room. The door opens, and there they are!! ~Dozens of family members; aunties, cousins young and old, grandparents, etc. They turn silently and look at me with expressionless faces. It is not the loving reception I had hoped for. Instead I feel their dissaproval and disdain. They dislike me, I think - the bad one, the difficult one, "why can't i just be good and get along like everyone else?" I think they misinterpret my lostness as misbehavior, and I am crushed. I am ashamed and hurt. And once again feel cast aside and judged.

- posted by Indigo Blue @ 7:33 AM Friday, April 23, 2004
Plugging away here at the office by myself. The guys are in and out. Boss on vacation in Vegas. Crusin. Listenin to R&B off the computer and entering invoices/payment, printing checks, calling on overdue stuff. It's all good. Making good progress. THis place is feeling OR- GAN -IZED! YEAH!

The only junk thing is these damnmnnm mosquitos. They eat me alive here. At least 10 nibbles per visit. ARG!
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 9:45 PM


I AM FUCKING HAPPY TO BE ALIVE!!!! This is gonna be a GREAT day! Damm i love these pills! =0)
- posted by Indigo Blue @ 5:32 PM

I am suddenly craving warm chocolate chip cookies. Why.

Tea Leoni looks exactly like my friend Lori from college only taller and older and with blonde hair. I wish I knew where she was. I really liked her. Sometimes she left her hair uncombed in rebellious red "fuck you" snarrels. She wore short skirts and fishnet stockings and burped like a man without apology. She was wild and free and had the soul of a poet. I remember the stack of spiral notebook journals above her bed in her dorm that she'd been keeping for years, through her hospitalization and all. I admired that and wished I too had an encylopedia of my inner-life to show for. Years later I heard from her friend Jason that she had returned to Cincinatti, gotten married and had kids. Somehow she seemed too much of a free spirit to do that. I sometimes try looking her up through random searches on the internet but can seem to find no trace of her. Anyway, I hope she's doing well. She was a beautiful woman.

A quote from Hannah's friend's site that really resonates with me,

"Herein is where you may leave traces of your existance."

It captures well this new tremendous pull I feel towards blogging. Nice.

Today I write from the public library. Haven't frequented one since moving to this state probably 5+ years ago as a) their hours suck b) i didn't know where they were c) I didn't have the energy to do anything but sleep and d) I'd forgotten they existed. It's funny. Now I live across the street from one. Why haven't I used it before? It's so cool to be here. Like being in adult Toy R' Us. Like a crazed kid running around with all the infinite possibilities of learning and access to the world. I wonder if I’m mentally starved.

This afternoon I actually also found myself reading one of my many dusty books stacked high in the corner of my apartment which I bought long ago and "always meant to get to." I'm so glad I did today. Originally, I bought it after being moved by an interview with the author on NPR. The topic; "War is a Force that Gives us Meaning." It's fascinating and true and speaks to questions that I have long asked myself about the human capacity for violence and immeasurable brutality. Is really something that separates those who kill/torture/rape from you? From me? From us? What is that? What circumstances would allow us to suspend these beliefs? How rigid are those mores? (Dam how do you spell that.....As i embark on this new journey of daily writing, the limitations of my education/literacy truly irritate me. I wish I had a greater understanding of language and words and grammar.)

Anyway, I just skimmed the book and then accidentally fell asleep for many hours. I hate that. I thought today might actually be a good, productive day, but for me! (Not working for other people) I want to organize my apartment and scan and categorize & save onto disks my boxes and boxes of papers, sketches, journals, etc that I've been tugging around like lead balls around my ankles. I've always been afraid to relinquish the past. I want to remember everything to avoid having to relearn the same lessons over and over.

Ok, it 6:22pm. I get to use this computer until 6:50pm. Pretty cool. And this place is right across the street from where I live!

I've been debating whether to get internet at home. Probably not. I have it at work which is where I am nearly 24/7 anyway. I don't need the extra costs. Particularly because of my $1000 fines in parking tickets. $2000 owed for the air pass. And found out today the speeding ticket will be $162. Shit. And most likely if my insurance finds out, that will double too. (Another $60 bucks a month.) Dam.

I've been thinking about Howard allot. And our conversation. And long relationship. I thought about him when I read that book today. ~It reminded me of the millions of inner-city kids growing up in cold, angry, violent circumstances, where life is relegated to survival, and death is commonplace. I don't see those experiences as much different than the experiences described by those witnessed by the author in Kosovo, Sarejevo, El Salvador, Sierra Leonne, Iraq and the like. Senseless, heartless violence is the same anywhere. It requires a disconnect to the soul.

634p now. Crunch time.

I also read old stuff on my computer at home from years ago back in the day when I did have internet. It found it interesting but sad. Interesting because I can see the progression of thought/behavior and experience to where I am now. The repeated and elaborated upon themes. But sad because it illuminates the extent and depth of my despair. When HAVE I been TRULY happy? It's crazy. It crossed my mind that since this blog seems to be going so well, perhaps I could consolidate those entries here with postdates. Though alot of what I read was embarrassing (childish, almost histrionic) I think the progression would be nonetheless interesting. (At least to me.) **smile** Suddenly I think I am SOooo FASCINATING. I just have to have MORE MORE MORE! Why is that, I wonder. I suppose that would be considered a negative thing. But on the other hand, great things can unfold from great introspection (i think). Like that book, "Every rock can be a teacher." It seems often that the complex really isn't, once you decode the patterns. In developing a greater understanding of my own inner world, I suspect I'll have a greater understanding of human behavior in general.

In the last week I've gotten 3 calls from Howard's area code but with no messages. Who could that be? It is unusual and I fear it is his (ex) wife calling to berate me again. "You're ruining our family!" I'm fearful to even answer Howard's calls no knowing what the situation is over there. Are they together still? Do they live together? IF they do live together, are they together-together? Is she simply psychotic and out-of-touch? What are my obligations to her/him/myself/societal expectations? It's always been so terrible. So confusing. Frustrating.

He asked me if I want to have kids. He says I am 30 now and my biological clock is ticking. I'd guess that if I do want kids, I ought to have them in the next 5 years probably. Right? I don't know. That's confusing too. Would I fuck them up? When I feel trapped by the responsibility? Would my partner get jealous and lose interest in me? Or would it be the most miraculous experience that life could offer. Would I be a dynamic, loving, kind and healthy mother. And would I exist within a functional, communicative, loving relationship. I don't know. It all seems quite removed and something I wouldn't even be contemplating if it wasn't for my age. I can't even imagine it all. I can't even imagine myself married. I don't even know that I think marriage is reasonable expectation of humans. A commitment for "LIFE"?!?
How is that possible? My god, it seems against the very laws of nature, that life is change. Who will i be in 5 years? 10? 50? How can I possibly pretend that it might continue to align with another for such an extended period of life? .......But yet.......
It sounds so delicious.
To be loved and love in that way.

There is a chapter in that book about War & Love. That was where I first turned by chance and captivated me. He proposes that Love is the only antidote to war. He cites poets and ancient texts to embellish his point. ...I want to learn more.

655pm... Past my time limit. hmmm... Maybe i can sneak by since there's a few open computers now. My stomach is rumbling. What have I eaten today? Only a EggMcMuffin/hasbrown/coffee at McDonalds this morning on my way home from the Group Home. Why do I eat those things? I hate them and they are nasty. I guess I just couldn't think of what else to get. Its so convenient and easy and requires the least interaction with people.

People scare me. I think they are out to get me. Hurt me. Judge me. Penetrate my (fat) walls of safety. This is what occurred to me at group last Tuesday. Something about the Group, i think, really upset me. Thus reverting back to those familiar depressive feelings yesterday. (But I feel better today by the way! YES! BOOOOING!! Rebound!) But the facilitator, Judith, made an unusual remark of compliment to me; that she has seen me take tremendous strides towards greater openness and sharing in the past couple weeks. That I had made "great progress." I was stunned, it brought tears to my eyes. I felt so honored and also I felt acknowledged and proud. I think though that she may have felt self-conscious after the remark because then spent sometime reassuring the other members that they too have made great improvements. If I hadn't been still glowing in appreciation, I may have more worried about their feelings and then guiltily obsessed that they may have been hurt. Its funny how we can be trained by life/parents/society to not stand out and thus limit our success to preserve their comfort. Especially as women, I think. But actually, this is really such a myth as there isn't some bank with a limit of successes that we all most draw from. There is enough for everyone. We can ALL living truly dynamic, engaged and full lives and not at the expense of any others. That progressive dynamic energy engaged energy is our birthright. (i think)

Why do I feel compelled to add "(i think)" to everything i write? What is that about? Am I asking to be excused for having thoughts, or sounding pompous/arrogant? How ironic.

Uh oh. 7:08pm I bet they'll catch on soon so i guess I'll go now and get some dinner.

Love to all,

Indigo (not so blue)

The niece of the company's owner at this office job just stopped by and introduced herself. She said she was happy to meet me and that she'd heard alot about me. She said i was a "godsend." That made me feel good. Especially because I'm still feeling a little slighted by the owner from last week. (When he griped about my hours.) I was hesitant to even show up today. And didn't show up on Monday though I told him I would. I'm being petty, I know. Like, fine, you wanna complain, then i'll show you! I'm oughta here! Take that! hahaha... That sounds funny when i type it....

I am struggling today. Fragile. I want to shake if off and attend to work here at the office but the words and thoughts and numbers are fuzzy. Maybe I will take a second HTP today in attempt to ward off this looming void. Either that or I may crawl into a corner and evaporate.