Pleasures of Him

Brushing the hair from my face
Standing behind me and wrapping his arms around me
Making each other laugh
Breaking into song

mediocre life
mediocre person

Deadwood Lines

convey my joy
and tell him numerous scores awaits

soft fuckin day
morning crop ear

is he about?

cease fortune by the forlock

say your piece or get the fuck out

i hope you commend my words to him

i contemplate a piece of activity

when can i expect a favorable response?

from this point forward i'll hand that... person

deceptively fair weather given the devastating rumors

more conviction

may i install your luggage in one of our better rooms?

about 50 yards as a bird flies

to whom shall i assign the room?

thought that position is largely ceremonial. no the position is real

it seemed that in the aftermath of his disappearance that you choose different companions

such moonlight treachery being the stealthy hallmark of

that's of no personal interest to me or anyone in this town

i don't want to hear it spoken of again because it darkens my thoughts

It is no disloyalty to be a realist. It is not loyalty betrayed. I feel exposed. I don't like being weak and i know i am. I fear what I'm capable of - where as you Richardson know nothing of yourself. Are you shitting or going blind?  Are you running or on horseback?  Careful of the shephards pie.

Said he to you while he doing the same?

okay - allright

lays there and shivers and stares at nothing

the current quickened and the waters muddied

your meaning is beyond me

peril

the camps at peril. worse than peril

wonderful kind intuitive generous

Things I Want To Learn

Massage Therapy
Dnc
Martial Arts
Drumming
Guitar
MIDI recording/composition
Web Design
Creative Art Therapy
Photography
Auto-mechanics
Spanish
Hindi
Screenwriting

Hello and first of all, thank you so much for this generous service as well as your time and help. I truly appreciate your participation in such a noble and nurturing cause, and am grateful to have stumbled upon you as such things are difficult if not impossible to discuss in my daily life. As you know, the stigma and fear attached to depression compounds the alienation surrounding already difficult feelings... I'm left wondering - where to turn? How do I distinguish between true depression and simply feeling under the weather? How seriously do I take myself? Is it worth your time for me to email you? I don't know. But I do somehow feel compelled to reach out as I crave some semblance of relief from this despair - this sense of hopelessness and lack of self. I crave comfort. Help. And am unsure where to turn. Or actually, am without resources I suppose. I 'd love to seek therapy but have neither health insurance or the the money. I'd speak to a friend but am disconnected and fatigued. Regardless, I will continue pushing on, though to be honest, I often feel completely deflated inside. Adrift in the middle of a lonely sea.

Thanks again for hearing me.

It means alot.

bored

is my life wasted?

i could cry.

i could cry right now.

right here at my desk.

an idiot. bafoon.  the maturity of a 5th grader.  socially strange. passive agressive. inconsistant and hypocritical.  mean-spirited and cloaked in fake niceties. i do not like her. she makes our lives hell.

who am i becoming

am i turning into a jerk?

 

i'm not sure if i care what people think of me anymore

 

i'm not sure i care about appearing "nice"

 

work is really wearing on me

 

i am tired of the these unrealistic arbitrary unfair demands

 

covering for others who are not held responsible - working 2-3 times harder than others because they are not held accountable - because they are talking all day on their cell phone - because they walk away on their desks for extended unnaccounted for breaks - because they blatantly ignore students and phone calls and they are left standing standing standing unless i alone acknowledge/help them 

 

i am so frustrated

 

i have been feeling trapped in here

 

put out many resumes with little/no response

 

what's next? what do i do now? how do i get out of here? what will i make of my life? where am i going

 

 

Another trip to the ER at 3:00am this morning. A lapse in his insurance for 3 days and his pain patch ran out. A pain level of 7 on the Cutie scale, but I'd estimate a 10 on normal human scale. Terrible! We waited for 3 hours before the 60 second doctor visit. 2 pain pills there, and 2 to go and call your doctor. Not very satisfying, not too much relief for him. A fast acting shot was what was really needed. Not having to wait yet another 1/2 hour for a mediocre lessening of long-lasting agony. During all of it, as usual, he kept his sense of humor,and dignity. How does he manage the way that he does? How does one trudge on day after day when so tyrannized? I admire him. I love him. I want him to feel better. I don't want him to hurt. I to find him an answer and make it go away. It breaks my heart.

i'm so tired

exhausted really
working way way too much
midnight then 10:30 then 10:00 tonight 8:00   - and never extra pay
makes me so mad - makes me furious!  but i've sent out about 10 resumes this week.
i really fear losing my mental health if i don't make a move quick

 

I have to admit, there's so much about my job that is miserable - mainly the LoonyBossLady. But nonetheless, I'm not okay with allowing myself to be the reactive, high-strung, frustrated person I often find myself being. Not being defensive while being continually attacked is a challenge that I need to meet. How do I do that? How do I relax despite unfair, senseless hostility? Not sure yet, but I need to find a way because in the big scheme of things, this is so extremely small potatoes. I once thought that something like this silly job would be no challenge at all. But I so often feel like I lost myself somewhere. Where is the balance, the wisdom that I think I may have had? (for a period)

I wish I had any/all of my things that I left in Hawaii in some guys garage do remind me of who I was. I think I'd find inspiration. I think I'd feel reconnected to who I was and things I could be proud of.

Meanwhile, I'm feeling gun ho about regaining physical health. In the 1st year with the cutie, I inadvertently lost 50 pound through practicing intuitive eating, expressing my emotions, keeping a food journal, identifying my hunger levels and stopping when I was full. In the 2nd year (I just discovered after weighing myself at my folks house over the holiday) I gained 30 again! That's sad. And with an impending wedding (GASP), I feel a renewed commitment to getting it together for myself, and us. So, today after work I bought a nifty healthy cookbook, a pedometer, a lunchbox/Tupperware to bring food to work, and a blank dated book to use as a food journal. I'm ready! I must admit, even though I'm completely anti-diet, starting one is something that I've been contemplating. But ultimately, I believe going on a diet will be counter productive and cause me to backslide into food obsession and self-hate. So, unless I change my mind, I can always reserve this as a future option if I I could handle a diet without triggering myself/binging/etc. Meanwhile I'll do the aforementioned which seem worthwhile too. More so even!

OMG

This is so HARD to write/type/blog with this TV on. I can't hear my thoughts! I can't focus. I forget what I've said by the end of the sentence. What am I going to do? I'd like to start blogging again as a part of my therapeutic journey, but the Cutie never turns it off! The only quiet time that I can think of would be weekend mornings before he is awake. I did recently splurge and by myself a TREO. I did so with a prominent motivation to someday start blogging with a portable keyboard like the one Seakitty uses. I think its such a cool idea. And now I even have a few FAT purses that would accommodate it... I can't quite justify the 100 bucks yet though..... Does anyone know of somewhere cheaper?

When I think about it, I think blogging was a crucial element to my healing/growth.

I want to change my life

I want to be a better person

i want to be healthy

i want to lose a hundred pounds

i want to be patient, and loving and good

i want to love people.  i want them to feel loved and then in turn to love

i want life to be a better for us to all to live

i want us to feel hope

i want to feel hope

i want to see through a child's eyes now and again

the cutie propsed on xmas day

in front of my family!

he proposed!

You'll never guess

I'm feeling happy.

Even content.

Grateful.

And hopeful for what's to come.

where have i been?

mostly working.
very late hours.
and then playing wow before crashing, rinsing and repeat.
haven't even read anyone's blogs so i don't know what's going on with you either.
what's going on with you?
but, on the bright side i have exciting news: tomorrow the cutie and i are doing something! something fun! 
we're going a cruise to the bahamas!
how about that?!
who would have guessed.
it happened suddenly and i don't know what to expect (haven't been on a cruise before) and never had an official vaction from a workplace.
i'll tell you about it when we return.  or, even, maybe while i'm there if they have internet on the boat.  (do they have internet on boats?)  they should, right?  i don't know.  we'll see.  but have a wonderful week and pray we don't hit an iceberge will ya please?

x0x0x0

indigo

Nifty Map thing

create your own visited country map
or check our Venice travel guide




create your own personalized map of the USA
Should I inlude states I just drove through on a road trip? I don't think that counts.

Odissi

The last dance to be done in a performance ~ the dance of liberation ~ the dance of transcendence ~ the dance of peace and joy.

Weekend Wedding

He's edgy today ~ I think its his pain - it's making him hostile. He sarcastically barked at drivers all the way home. The unpredictability of it made me ill at ease and slightly fearful. I stayed quiet not wanting to fan the flames . But it will pass. Probably when the new patch that he just applied to his chest kicks in. As I type, he just demanded someone "BE QUIET" who was talking over him in his vent WOW guild chat. Sounded strange. I hope that patch kicks in soon. I feel so sorry for him. I can't imagine what it would be like to be in constant pain.

Every

single

day.

It's so terrible.

It's so unfair.

We went to his best friend's wedding over the weekend. (It was his bachelor party that left us in the hospital for 3 days last weekend.) We had a long drive and arrived at the groom's new house late. The old tiny brick home was a flurry of activity: cute little boy-men in various states of dress - scampering about looking for socks and hairspray and fighting over the tiny bathroom mirror. Being the only girl-woman present, I had the honor of hastily pinning corsages (is that what they're called for men?) on handsome chests and straightening little black ties.

"Is this right? Should it be higher?"

"Just a little higher, here, like this." As I reached out, hoping to assuage some nerves.

It was

just

so

cute.

They were all so,

so

cute.

Then suddenly it seemed all of the lapels had lined up, anxiously waiting for my help. I felt special and important and needed. Silly and true. I was working on the third when interrupted by the arrival of an outlandishisly long white Hummer outside.

"We'll do the rest in the limo!" The groom exclaimed - nervously rushing the gang.

I hopped in my car to follow them since I didn't know my way when I noticed that we'd just made a giant loop around the block. The limo door flung open and the groom sprinted back inside the house, retrieving the wedding ring-pillow. Again we departed only to loop back again. The groom made a second mad dash to retrieve another overlooked wedding accoutrement. My heart raced for him. And when finally our 2 vehichle caravan arrived at the strange purple carpeted revival church, he realized that in his haste and excitement he'd forgotten something else - a CD - The Wedding march!

"I'll get it!" I volunteered, excited to be involved. I scribbled driving directions from The Cutie on a florescent orange The Lord Is Our Savior flyer, quickly took the groom's keys and cell phone and drove as fast as I possibly could in hopes of saving the day. I was on a mission. And happy.

* * *

He was in the wedding party and was so handsome in his tux. But the tux was heavy and the church was sweltering ~ I'd say 88 degrees? It was 4:00pm and he hadn't eaten a thing all day. I worried he'd pass out from a combination of low sugar and the strain of standing for such an extended period of time. Not to mention the danger of heat prematurely releasing a larger dose of fentanyl in his chest patch, making him sick or high or both. People die from fentanyl overdoses.

Big black women fanned themselves with programs handed out at the door laced with pink ribbon bows, reminding me of an old black southern church. The white preacher man wore scuffed white patent leather shoes with his black suit and used a poor man's grammar, wandering off topic and self-indulgently drifting about. He startled me with words like "stinky" and talked at length about "how many people these days get divorced and how men use up all of women's good years and then when they hit their 40's and 50's, and their wife gains a little weight, they run off and find themselves a 20 year old." An occasional "AMEN" or knowing "mmm hmmmm" rang out from the rows behind me making me glad that at least someone was getting something out of his peculiar delivery. I wondered privately if a guilty conscious informed his lecture. Everyone knows marriages are doomed these days ~ but why rub it in your face on your wedding day! So gloomy. So gauche.

And then the vows.... Preacherman made the groom and bride repeat word for word a long series of what sounded again like impromptu phrases. They seemed to ramble strangely and precariously on. When finally the groom was prompted to say, "Precious" ~ a good part of us did all that we could to contain the giggling.

"Precious," he repeated, stiffling his own chuckle.

But when promted next to add "My precious" half of the church could no longer contain themselves, and exploded into overflowing laughter. Others sat silent ~ perhaps confused.

A bit later the groom was promted:

"Your lips," "your lips"

"Are like strawberry's" "Are like ::chuckle:: strawberries " And he threw back his head and released a laugh.

The bride looked much less amused.

Maybe she didn't get the allusion. Or maybe she did but didn't find it funny. But why didn't she? At some point it all just became simply too ridiculous to overlook. Even on your wedding day. Especially on your wedding day. Or, maybe she stood before those 150 people, sweat falling from her beautiful done-up face, bewildered and alone. Did the laughter make her feel alienated on the one day that was supposed to be strictly hers? I contemplated it as she not-so-coyly plucked a crumbled Kleenex from her bosom, swabbed her sweaty upper lip and with a bend of her wrist tucked it back from whence it came. I wondered if my sense of bewilderment and disbelief suggested that I was snotty.

On the other hand, the receiption was as lavish as the church was hokey ~ and everything about it felt glamorous and ornate. Oversized mirrored walls, and white sparkeling points of light in tremendous crystal light pieces overhead like Saks Fifth Avenue New York at Christmas. The food too was as immaculate as plentiful, the DJ as entertaining as the photographers professional. It was lovely. And the Cutie and I danced for the very first time! The first time in our first 2 years of life together. (Our anniversary was July 25.)

2 years!

We talked about marriage and if it was in our future. He said he thinks of it every week and yet is still ambivalent. Regardless, he says, he wouldn't be able to do it for at least another two years.

Sad.

Sad?

I felt rejected and relieved.

Frustrated and glad.

I want him to want me. But maybe I'm jaded now too. Is marriage realistic? Useful? Necessary? Why do it? For the family? For religion? For security? For ownership? Isn't that entrapment? Is that fair? This young couple spent 16,000 dollars on this ceremony. Sixteen thousand dollars on this single day. And today as I type the day is gone. What a way to start a new life. In debt and stressed out. As if being a new home owner is enough. As if completely altering your life isn't enough. I wonder how they'll feel post-Aruba. Will they still feel they're meant for each other? As reality and bills and dishes and open toilet seat covers set in, will they begin to crumble? Are my good years being used up like those young women that the white shoed preacher spoke of? And will I be left childless and alone?