OCT 12, 2026
I spent 4 hours with my mother's friends . lunch on their boat. then toured their grand 3 story antique home overlooking Anacortes seas. they are well traveled. intelligent engaged. wealthy. kind. loving. interesting. well read. garderning .inquitivsitive people . I cold contribute almost nothing / nothing in common and sad silent as usual in social situations these days because my life has been so much different and I'm unable to contribute. at one point she asked me and my generation what we think they think about trump. I was dumbfounded because I realized I don't have fiends or even people I speak to so I couldn't answer her question but to reveal that seemed like a buzzkill and awkward and I didn't want to punish her the one time she spoke to me directly and tried to include me. I felt like crying immediately. a couple other examples like that left me feeling like it a raw nerve again unable to participate with normal society.
OCT 13, 2026
Returned to base. (the homesit on the hill with wood floors and wide picturesque window picture framing the bay and 2 wide willowing trees below, with the insta-fire wood stone mantel. where was i.
oh. then what to do. 7pm. still needed to do yoga. what to do. alone series. bath? lotus tea. (amended master per eluna Noelle, who I just discovered 1-2 weeks ago, her meditation and talk magically appear in my omega center interface alongside the Suzanne geisman workshop I purchased to watch live but was to nervous and distracted to focus or wake up in time or coordinate myself or I quickly logged on and was fearful I could be seen and didn't want to participate in group mediumship activities because I dont I can't I dont know how and its too much and too nerve-wracking and embarrassing and omg I'll watch it later? and later came. and later. and later. and didn't feel moved. or compelled. or like I had the bandwith energy focus attention. just simply it wasn't a priority. until one day, finally after - quite a while, I though, oh that sounds good. I can listen. I want to hear it ! now is good . thats great. and the setting was here, base. post weeks of extended quiet. stillness. wood floors. and empty space. space before me. around me. inside. space. a few heart opening mediations. surprising opening. surprising outpouring of grief. ah! there it is. and didn't know it previously. but I get it now. something needed and necessary and helpful to an extend I couldn't know until experiencing. or closer to the experience. and still yet that raises the question - how much more is helpful necessary and good that I'm similarly ignorant of and will continue to be ignorant of until the unfolding initiates. by me ? my sense is yes but not that insular traditional sense of the word. the me as in the wide me. the universal
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for threads? I need 1000 people to follow me so I can take live videos on IG which is my meditation my journal my catharsis my practice my grounding my connection to ...? but my phone memory is full and when I try to delete things I start watching them and then I get pulled into old stories and distracted and hours pass and I forget what I was doing and I spend the entire day sitting on my butt and suddenly have fifty extra pounds of fat on my body and forgot to do yoga and what where am I what's going on what was I saying ok reset
oh yeah. if its not too much to ask. (ugh I hate over politeness bullshit and cultural programming and shaming women and having to appear demure and little to be worthy). I need 1000 follows in order to unlock the LIVE video feature of IG. (about 950 more). requesting help. ugh. asking for help is weird and awkward. but good practice. proud of myself.
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idea: going off grid again in the log shack in the woods on that nearby island, do the required work exchange (maybe caring for land and feeding chickens? ) something like that, sounded simple, the shack was just that, an absolute shack, and maybe thats perfect. just like during that covid year, which I reflect on as the best year of my life (squeamishly when speaking with other ppl who may find that horrifying selfish in light of the thousands (milions>) o people who lost lives or had personal tragedy as a result of the brutal carnage of the ravenous infection. but I took isolation seriously. no personal relationships at the time. had just left D suddenly without plan back up or support system
what was I saying.
oh yeah. (I'm sitting on Darcys fat leather living room set and his cleaning ladies are buzzing around and Beth just mopped by bare feet that I pulled up into cross legs while sipping coffee and typing on this laptop. what a life. she's sweet and smiled at me and told me not move for a while (while the floor dries). I smiled and said thanks. and looked out the window. and went blank for a minute. and just rested sweetly. and said I'm so glad you're here the floor was looking not good and I didn't know what to do about it". and she smiled and laughed and the 2 other gals in the background also smiled and chuckled and I was overcome with their generosity and effortless kindness and the sweetness of the moment and feeling of being taken care of and affection.
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back the to the idea. since again I have hundred extra pounds to release. and perhaps that should come first. before work search and future planning or thoughts about relationships. that first the first relationship, me to me , should be strengthened and established. and thus alone in the woods is sufficient, ... and I could record that, minimal editing or none. streaming? plus occasional edited messages and writing. reflections. like this? would there be an interest to follow this . just curious . I would do will do perhaps regardless but an interest would be also nice to extend beyond myself and be in relation.
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1:05 pm
AI generated, "The ask post (kept close to your own words):
Asking for help is weird and awkward for me. Good practice, though.
I’m heading into a season of stillness: quiet rooms, long walks, painting, writing, maybe a log shack in the woods. I want to share it as it unfolds, unpolished, in real time. Instagram won’t unlock Live until I reach 1,000 followers, and I’m about 950 away.
If this kind of slow, honest documentation speaks to you, a follow would mean a lot. If you know someone it might speak to, I’d be grateful if you passed it along.
Thank you for being here. 🤍
Bio options (Instagram allows 150 characters):
- Painter · Odissi dancer · quiet living on the Island. Going live soon from the stillness.
- Paint, dance, silence, and the unedited in-between. island.
- Documenting a season of solitude: art, grief, grounding, and what opens when things go quiet."
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