back to the mat.

 I'm maybe 10 days into almost daily bigram yoga. first following random videos (26 2 / "bikram") on YouTube because it was convenient and I am committed to this series after a miraculous introduction and begging and journey during the pandemic. however unsurprisingly they were not the mesmerizing transcendent transformative experience that I remember with Ian carrie Leo Angeles and Dylan . I recorded them then though. or should I say I recorded myself while listening to them on zoom.  it was New Jersey. I was hiding out in a storefront. bright filtered light .  wood floors. historic 100+ year old building kitty-corner to the Whitehouse stations train station. you can hear the horns in intervals in the background and the occasional truck racing by.  magical time. I look fit and healthy and glowy with my self cut hair. living my best life alone.  peaceful. focused. hopeful. happy.  today I watch it with a sort of sad fascination. that was just a few years ago? its "me?"  a surreal quality to it.  a recognition, but also a sort of distance.   I can believe I will be that again.  but . a film quality over it.  It will require patience.  I will be still.  and practice .  I can't expect to look and feel like that instantly.  I have to be gentle with this body, this process.