I have to admit, there's so much about my job that is miserable - mainly the LoonyBossLady. But nonetheless, I'm not okay with allowing myself to be the reactive, high-strung, frustrated person I often find myself being. Not being defensive while being continually attacked is a challenge that I need to meet. How do I do that? How do I relax despite unfair, senseless hostility? Not sure yet, but I need to find a way because in the big scheme of things, this is so extremely small potatoes. I once thought that something like this silly job would be no challenge at all. But I so often feel like I lost myself somewhere. Where is the balance, the wisdom that I think I may have had? (for a period)

I wish I had any/all of my things that I left in Hawaii in some guys garage do remind me of who I was. I think I'd find inspiration. I think I'd feel reconnected to who I was and things I could be proud of.

Meanwhile, I'm feeling gun ho about regaining physical health. In the 1st year with the cutie, I inadvertently lost 50 pound through practicing intuitive eating, expressing my emotions, keeping a food journal, identifying my hunger levels and stopping when I was full. In the 2nd year (I just discovered after weighing myself at my folks house over the holiday) I gained 30 again! That's sad. And with an impending wedding (GASP), I feel a renewed commitment to getting it together for myself, and us. So, today after work I bought a nifty healthy cookbook, a pedometer, a lunchbox/Tupperware to bring food to work, and a blank dated book to use as a food journal. I'm ready! I must admit, even though I'm completely anti-diet, starting one is something that I've been contemplating. But ultimately, I believe going on a diet will be counter productive and cause me to backslide into food obsession and self-hate. So, unless I change my mind, I can always reserve this as a future option if I I could handle a diet without triggering myself/binging/etc. Meanwhile I'll do the aforementioned which seem worthwhile too. More so even!

OMG

This is so HARD to write/type/blog with this TV on. I can't hear my thoughts! I can't focus. I forget what I've said by the end of the sentence. What am I going to do? I'd like to start blogging again as a part of my therapeutic journey, but the Cutie never turns it off! The only quiet time that I can think of would be weekend mornings before he is awake. I did recently splurge and by myself a TREO. I did so with a prominent motivation to someday start blogging with a portable keyboard like the one Seakitty uses. I think its such a cool idea. And now I even have a few FAT purses that would accommodate it... I can't quite justify the 100 bucks yet though..... Does anyone know of somewhere cheaper?

When I think about it, I think blogging was a crucial element to my healing/growth.