I discovered Google Videos!

A half a mile from my home in HI, I stumbled upon this awesome video just now.
So peaceful!

And this was my drive to work.

I love the internet!

Sexy?

I rarely ever ever ever shop or buy things. But, once I start working, like for real with income and stuff. Maybe I'll change that. But check out these boots. For some reason they struck me! You like? I wonder if you can dress sexy when you work at a private religious college? Poo.

The Cutie's most absolute ABSOLUTE FAVORITE clip E V E R....
It causes him spontaneous eruptions of joy and unbridled dancing. Don't ask me why. I really can't explain it

Organizing Photos Today

And here's a random sampling.......

I love lotuseseses.... Peaceful and lovely.




I visited Timesquare last week for the first time! My cousins were in town and I spent the day with them being a NYC tourist. We also went ice skating in central park and I saw the Rockettes!!! wow! And guess what. The lady I sat next to owned a computer company and asked if I would be interested in working for her! She's out of the country right now so we haven't spoken in depth about it yet, but what the heck - you never know! The world is mysterious sometimes and I do believe in synchronicity (despite my occasional cynacism.)

Hey that reminds me! I start working at the college next week. Assitant to the President! Part time for the first few months and then I'll replace the lady who now holds the position but will be retiring. I absolutely CAN NOT WAIT to leave the den of horror being my current front desk job at the evil doctor's medical office. It takes everything I have to NOT simply walk out sometimes. OK .. ALL of the time!









Images from the school. Did i mention it was a religous one? Pretty funny since I'm pretty much a bonified atheist. HAHAHAHAHA.

Old therapy room in Hawaii. I kinda miss it. Ok I do miss it. Alot sometimes. It was a tremendous source of support and cleansing. Incredibly constructive. Healing. Helpful.

The 3 kilns I gave away when making my spontaneous move to New York. Along with over a thousand ceramic molds (all sitting in my studio apartment.) What a mess! Those suckers are heavy!!! (And a big financial loss.) But oh well. It's not like I was doing anything with them anyway. Mostly chasing a dream of owning a business and taking it one step at a time.




A man strumming a ukelele outside my last Hawaii apartment. An everyday scene there.





I loved how this picture came out when I was sitting inside our car while The Cutie washed it. Doesn't it look ghostly? You never know how these camera phone shots are going to come out. Sure the quality is horrible but, on the other hand, the grainy-ness sort of looks romantic to me sometimes. Did you know I spent like an hour researching camera phones last night? I wanted to identify just exactly what the specs were on my camera because I suspected I could do better and boy was I right. Turns out my camera is a VGA (like a third of a megapixel) when 1 megapixels (a million pixels) to 3 megapixel cameras are standard practice out there. In fact, a 7 megapixel camera has been released in Germany by Samsung!!! My conclusion is - although I like my phone, I need a better camera for sure!!! Or, should I just save my money and get a normal digital camera? But that might not be as conveniant to upload. I don't know. I haven't decided what to do. What do you suggest?



The dance floor that I practiced when I spend a month living with my dance teacher last year.

The Cutie and I made a cross country trip to surprise my Dad for his 60th birthday this year. Here's a shot through the window on the long, long, very long, trip. We were tired and cranky but still had fun. 6 days of driving and 1 day and a half of visiting! Oy vey!

What we saw for about 4 of the 6 days of driving and gained new perspective as to how Bush won the elections!

We also spent a week in Flordia this year visiting The Cuties Uncles/Aunts and cousins. It was probably the most fun we had all year. Well at least I had fun. He was exhausted and in pain. Going places take alot out of him.

This visionary woman started a dance village in India. She died tragically in a landslide but has left a beautiful legacy.

A dancer in costume.

Ho Ho Ho

Rake Rake Rake

Happppppy Consumer Exploitation Xmas Day!

I pray to Kris Kringle himself that this post finds you safe, and happy, and warm and surrounded by loved ones or if not, at least happy about that too.

Lots of love to you and yours,


Indigo Blue

xoxox

Yesterday The Cutie told me officially that he never wants to get married. Although he says it's simply a matter of his disinterest in the institution, I still found it difficult to hear it as something other than a statement of personal rejection. Am I not good enough for him? Not compelling enough? Don't get me wrong, I've known all along that we both have our fears and apprehension, but the finality of his announcement still came as a sobering surprise. Especially since I've been on high alert for a secret surprise engagement ring since we met. Afterall, the day before I moved to New York we even browsed the internet together shopping for rings! Bottom line is, unless he magically changes his mind, I will likely never be a bride or have children. A weighty, solemn realization that made me cry.

Rest in Peace

Richard Pryor

1940 - 2005

"You'd call him the grandfather of stand-up comedy, if grandfather didn't seem altogether too cosy. He's Richard Pryor: writer, entertainer, film star and the man whose incendiary comic interventions into 1970s America moulded stand-up into the artform we know today. Before Pryor, stand-up in the US was Bob Hope and Bob Newhart: mild one-liners delivered by cheerful men in shirts and ties. Pryor, by stark contrast, was scabrous and confessional, sexy, vernacular, and totally unpredictable."

"Angry, impassioned, truthful and personal, Pryor spoke about his world: a world of winos, bums and junkies; of black-white inequality; of sex, politics and sexual politics. And then there was the delivery - Pryor delivered comedy like a musician delivers jazz. But it wasn't just stand-up that he radicalised: many credit Pryor with blazing a trail for black people in American life. According to the musician Quincy Jones, he was "a pioneer ... who made us understand the truth about ourselves".

MP3 CLIPS:

1. Super Nigger -1968
2. Exorcist - 1974
3. Monkeys - 1978
4. Ali - 1978
5. Southern Hospitality - 1983

Actor - filmography
(1990s) (1980s) (1970s) (1960s)

1. Lost Highway (1997) .... Arnie
2. Mad Dog Time (1996) .... Jimmy the Grave Digger
   ... aka Trigger Happy (video title)
3. Another You (1991) .... Eddie Dash
4. The Three Muscatels (1991) .... Narrator/Wino/Bartender
   
   
5. Harlem Nights (1989) .... Sugar Ray
6. See No Evil, Hear No Evil (1989) .... Wallace 'Wally' Karue
7. Moving (1988) .... Arlo Pear
8. Critical Condition (1987) .... Eddie/Kevin
9. Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling (1986) .... Jo Jo Dancer/Alter Ego
10. Brewster's Millions (1985) .... Montgomery Brewster
11. Superman III (1983) .... Gus Gorman
12. The Toy (1982) .... Jack Brown
13. Some Kind of Hero (1982) .... Cpl. Eddie Keller/Ted Segal
14. Bustin' Loose (1981) .... Joe Braxton
15. Stir Crazy (1980) .... Harry Monroe
16. In God We Tru$t (1980) .... G.O.D.
    ... aka Gimme That Prime Time Religion
17. Wholly Moses! (1980) .... Pharaoh
    
    
18. The Muppet Movie (1979) .... Balloon Vendor (Special Guest Star)
19. California Suite (1978) .... Visitors from Chicago - Dr. Chauncey Gump
    ... aka Neil Simon's California Suite
20. The Wiz (1978/I) .... The Wiz (Herman Smith)
21. Blue Collar (1978) .... Zeke Brown
22. Greased Lightning (1977) .... Wendell Scott
23. Which Way Is Up? (1977) .... Leroy Jones/Rufus Jones/Reverend Lenox Thomas
24. Silver Streak (1976) .... Grover Muldoon
25. The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings (1976) .... Charlie Snow/Carlos Nevada/Chief Takahoma, All-Star (RF)
26. Car Wash (1976) .... Daddy Rich
27. Adiós Amigo (1976) .... Sam Spade
28. Uptown Saturday Night (1974) .... Sharp Eye Washington
29. Some Call It Loving (1973) .... Jeff
    ... aka Sleeping Beauty (USA)
30. Hit! (1973) .... Mike Willmer
31. The Mack (1973) .... Slim
    ... aka The Mack and His Pack
32. Lady Sings the Blues (1972) .... Piano Man
33. You've Got to Walk It Like You Talk It or You'll Lose That Beat (1971) .... Wino
34. Carter's Army (1970) (TV) .... Pvt. Jonathan Crunk
    ... aka Black Brigade
    
    
35. The Young Lawyers (1969) (TV)
36. Wild in the Streets (1968) .... Stanley X
37. Uncle Tom's Fairy Tales (1968)
38. The Busy Body (1967) .... Whittaker
    
    

Filmography as: Actor, Writer, Producer, Miscellaneous Crew, Director, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Writer - filmography
(1990s) (1980s) (1970s)

1. The Mark Twain Prize: Richard Pryor (1999) (TV) (uncredited)
   
   
2. Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling (1986)
3. Richard Pryor: Live and Smokin' (1985)
4. Richard Pryor Here and Now (1983)
5. Richard Pryor Live on the Sunset Strip (1982)
6. Bustin' Loose (1981) (story)
   
   
7. Richard Pryor: Live in Concert (1979)
8. "The Richard Pryor Show" (1977) TV Series
9. The Richard Pryor Special? (1977) (TV)
10. Blazing Saddles (1974) (screenplay)
11. Lily (1973) (TV)
12. "Sanford and Son" (1972) TV Series
13. "The Flip Wilson Show" (1970) TV Series
    
    

Filmography as: Actor, Writer, Producer, Miscellaneous Crew, Director, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Producer - filmography
(2000s) (1990s) (1980s) (1970s)

1. Pryor Offenses (2004) (TV) (executive producer)
   
   
2. Mo' Funny: Black Comedy in America (1993) (TV) (co-executive producer)
   
   
3. Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling (1986) (producer)
4. Richard Pryor Live on the Sunset Strip (1982) (producer)
5. Bustin' Loose (1981) (producer)
   
   
6. "The Richard Pryor Show" (1977) TV Series (executive producer)
   
   

Filmography as: Actor, Writer, Producer, Miscellaneous Crew, Director, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Miscellaneous Crew - filmography
(2000s) (1990s) (1970s)

1. "One Night Stand" (2005) TV Series (special thanks) (episode "Louis C.K.")
2. Richard Pryor: I Ain't Dead Yet, #*%$#@!! (2003) (TV) (very special thanks)
   ... aka Richard Pryor: I Ain't Dead Yet, #*%$#@!! - Uncensored (USA: DVD title)
   
   
3. Sydney (1996) (special thanks)
   ... aka Hard Eight (USA: changed title)
   
   
4. Pacific Inferno (1979) (special thanks)
5. Richard Pryor: Live in Concert (1979) (executive album producer)
   
   

Filmography as: Actor, Writer, Producer, Miscellaneous Crew, Director, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Director - filmography

1. Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling (1986)
2. Richard Pryor Here and Now (1983)
   
   

Filmography as: Actor, Writer, Producer, Miscellaneous Crew, Director, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Himself - filmography
(2000s) (1990s) (1980s) (1970s) (1960s)

1. Bitter Jester (2003) .... Himself
2. The Comedy Store: The E! True Hollywood Story (2001) (TV) .... Himself
   
   
3. The Mark Twain Prize: Richard Pryor (1999) (TV) .... Himself/Honoree
4. Sam Kinison: Why Did We Laugh? (1998) (TV) .... Himself
5. What Makes You Laugh? (1995) (TV) .... Himself
6. "The Blackberry Inn" (1995) TV Series .... Himself
7. The Comedy Hall of Fame (1994) (TV) .... Himself/honoree
8. Apollo Theatre Hall of Fame (1994) (TV) .... Himself
9. BET's Comicview Awards (1994) (TV) .... Himself
10. A Century of Cinema (1994) .... Himself
11. Apollo Theatre Hall of Fame (1993) (TV) .... Himself (Honoree)
12. Soul Train Comedy Awards (1993) (TV) .... Himself
13. The Comedy Store's 20th Birthday (1992) (TV) .... Himself
14. A Party for Richard Pryor (1991) (TV) .... Himself
15. Sammy Davis, Jr. 60th Anniversary Celebration (1990) (TV) .... Himself
    
    
16. Richard Pryor: Live and Smokin' (1985) .... Himself
17. "Pryor's Place" (1984) TV Series .... Himself
18. Richard Pryor Here and Now (1983) .... Himself
19. Motown 25: Yesterday, Today, Forever (1983) (TV) .... Himself/Host
    ... aka Motown 25 (USA: short title)
20. The 55th Annual Academy Awards (1983) (TV) .... Co-Host
21. Hollywood: The Gift of Laughter (1982) (TV) .... Himself - Co-host
22. Richard Pryor Live on the Sunset Strip (1982) .... Himself
23. The 53rd Annual Academy Awards (1981) (TV) .... Himself - Co-Presenter: Best Film Editing
    
    
24. The 21st Annual Grammy Awards (1979) (TV) .... Himself
25. Richard Pryor: Live in Concert (1979) .... Himself
26. "The Richard Pryor Show" (1977) TV Series .... Himself/Various Characters (1977)
27. The Richard Pryor Special? (1977) (TV) .... Himself
28. The 49th Annual Academy Awards (1977) (TV) .... Co-host
29. The 19th Annual Grammy Awards (1977) (TV) .... Himself
30. The Lion Roars Again (1975) (uncredited) .... Himself
31. Lily (1973) (TV) .... Himself/Various Characters
32. Wattstax (1973) .... Himself
33. "The Midnight Special" (1972) TV Series .... Himself - Host
34. Dynamite Chicken (1972) .... Himself
35. The Phynx (1970) .... Himself
    
    
36. "The Kraft Summer Music Hall" (1966) TV Series .... Regular
    
    

Filmography as: Actor, Writer, Producer, Miscellaneous Crew, Director, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Archive Footage

1. Out of Africa: Heroes and Icons (2005) (TV) .... Himself
2. Live from New York: The First 5 Years of Saturday Night Live (2005) (TV) .... Himself
3. No Joking (2004) (TV)
4. The N-Word (2004) .... Himself
5. "Comedy Central Presents: 100 Greatest Stand-Ups of All Time" (2004) (mini) .... Himself #1
6. Richard Pryor: I Ain't Dead Yet, #*%$#@!! (2003) (TV) .... Himself
7. 101 Most Shocking Moments in Entertainment (2003) (TV) .... Himself
8. Uncensored Comedy: That's Not Funny! (2003) (TV) .... Himself
9. Richard Pryor: The E! True Hollywood Story (2003) (TV) .... Himself
10. "Heroes of Black Comedy" (2002) (mini) .... Himself
11. A Huey P. Newton Story (2001) (TV) (uncredited) .... Himself
12. Me, Myself & Irene (2000) (uncredited) .... Stand-Up Comedian on TV
13. Saturday Night Live: 25th Anniversary (1999) (TV) .... Himself
14. A Really Big Show: Ed Sullivan's 50th Anniversary (1998) (TV) .... Himself
15. Classic Stand-Up Comedy of Television (1996) (TV) .... Himself
16. Ed Sullivan All-Star Comedy Special (1995) (TV) .... Himself
17. But... Seriously (1994) (TV) .... Himself
18. Mo' Funny: Black Comedy in America (1993) (TV) .... Himself

Filmography as: Actor, Writer, Producer, Miscellaneous Crew, Director, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Notable TV Guest Appearances

1. "The Norm Show" playing "Mr. Johnson" in episode: "Norm vs. the Boxer" (episode # 2.11) 1 December 1999
2. "Malcolm & Eddie" playing "Uncle Buck" in episode: "Do the K.C. Hustle" (episode # 1.10) 11 November 1996
3. "Biography" playing "Himself" in episode: "Richard Pryor: Comic on the Edge" 12 March 1996
4. "Chicago Hope" playing "Joe Springer" in episode: "Stand" (episode # 2.9) 20 November 1995
5. "Showbiz Today" playing "Himself" 31 May 1995
6. "Martin" playing "Himself" in episode: "The Break Up: Part 1" (episode # 1.18) 11 February 1993
7. "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" playing "Himself" 27 April 1984
8. "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" playing "Himself" 9 February 1983
9. "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" playing "Himself" 5 September 1980
10. "Saturday Night Live" playing "Host" (episode # 1.7) 13 December 1975
11. "Soul Train" playing "Himself - Guest Emcee" (episode # 4.39) 14 June 1974
12. "The Flip Wilson Show" playing "Himself" 15 November 1973
13. "The Flip Wilson Show" playing "Himself" 20 September 1973
14. "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" playing "Himself" 19 September 1973
15. "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" playing "Himself" 29 May 1973
16. "The Flip Wilson Show" playing "Himself" 15 March 1973
17. "The Partridge Family" playing "A.E. Simon" in episode: "Soul Club" (episode # 1.18) 29 January 1971
18. "Toast of the Town" playing "Himself - Comedian" (episode # 24.7) 1 November 1970
19. "Toast of the Town" playing "Himself - Comedian" (episode # 23.20) 8 February 1970
20. "The Mod Squad" playing "Himself" in episode: "The Teeth of the Barracuda" (episode # 1.1) 24 September 1968
21. "Toast of the Town" playing "Comedian" (episode # 21.35) 12 May 1968
22. "Toast of the Town" playing "Comedian" (episode # 21.15) 17 December 1967
23. "Away We Go" playing "Himself" 24 June 1967
24. "Toast of the Town" playing "Comedian" (episode # 20.40) 11 June 1967
25. "Toast of the Town" playing "Comedian" (episode # 20.31) 9 April 1967
26. "ABC Stage 67" playing "Himself" in episode: "A Time for Laughter" (episode # 1.23) 6 April 1967
27. "Toast of the Town" playing "Comedian" (episode # 20.12) 27 November 1966
28. "Toast of the Town" playing "Comedian" (episode # 20.5) 9 October 1966
29. "The Wild Wild West" playing "Villar" in episode: "The Night of the Eccentrics" (episode # 2.1) 16 September 1966
30. "Toast of the Town" playing "Herself - Comedian" (episode # 19.38) 5 June 1966
31. "Toast of the Town" playing "Himself - Comedian" (episode # 19.30) 10 April 1966
32. "Toast of the Town" playing "Himself - Comedian" (episode # 19.24) 27 February 1966
33. "Toast of the Town" playing "Himself - Comedian" (episode # 19.7) 24 October 1965
34. "Toast of the Town" playing "Comedian" (episode # 18.32) 9 May 1965
35. "On Broadway Tonight" playing "Himself" 31 August 1964

Good News!

I had an interview back at the college that I temped at before getting my current crappy job, and turns out, I'm going to start as the President's Executive Assistant in January! It's only part-time for the first four months, but still - It's a start. And will pay far better than any other job I've had before. Plus they couldn't have been any kinder and complimentary in the interview. His other assistant said I was "a real renaissance woman" and said I was "warm" and "dignified" and "intelligent" and "perfect for the job" and a bunch of other unbelievably flattering things. Talk about a confidance boost! I haven't felt so wanted and appreciated in a long time. What a change. Can you believe it? Even though its just clerical nonesense, I feel honored and happy nonetheless. I mean, its not like I'm on the road to doing something I'm more personally suited for anyway. At least I know alot of people there already and they're nice, and he's nice, and the campus is beautiful and peaceful.

And I love that school.

And I love school.

I love being around people who care about learning and who are engaged and involved and growing.

Oh and we had a wicked snow storm which is highly exciting. Gi-normous dandruff flakes falling on the rooftops.

And also a couple of my first cousins flew into town today whom I haven't seen in years. They are here to visit another first cousin who just had a baby and hopefully we'll all get together. Haven't really spent time with any of the cousins since we officially became "adults" but some of my happiess childhood memories are playing kick the can or swimming at the lake together.

I'm alive. But so out of blogging practice. Waiting for the blog bug to bite me again so I might get going.

OH!

I guess I turned the "moderate" feature on somehow without knowing what I was doing. Ooops! That's ok. I fixed it. Thanks Z!

Huh?

What's going on with the comments thing? You have to "moderate" them now or something? Thanks to Zatoad's email, I just discovered FIFTEEN comments sitting dormant that I hadn't known existed. I just published and responded to them. And then I noticed a few comments from Laura and an anonymous one in my email that I can't find on the blog. Hmmm.. Going to investigate.

And Hi Laura! Its great to have you here and hope you stick around! I love that poem too.

=)

Had a good day today. (Just so you know I'm not always dark and dreary.) The Cutie is home and in a couple hours I'm a year older. Its still shocking how old I became so quickly. Life is a steamroller.

Hello Out There

I felt much less depressed today. Maybe its because I kept myself busy driving and shopping. Buying and returning. Driving and shopping. Buying and returning. Staying busy does help, I think, if for no other reason, it provides distraction. When there's an empty day, it makes me restless. Guilty. Ashamed. I start diving inside and feel a long dark inner hole. I start thinking about the futility of life and how nice it would be to believe in a god or fate or at least some sort of universal synronicity. Some order to things.

Trying to get the place a little spruced up so The Cutie won't have to return to a mess. Throwing out boxes, emptying the trash, vacuuming, laundry, changing the sheets. I love the shiny red vacuum I bought today - it picked up so much dirt it blew my mind - a blob about the size of a container of a gallon of milk. (I saved it to show The Cutie.) It's amazing how quickly dirt accumulates. I really need to do a thorough cleaning of the bathroom and kitchen floor. How do people keep up? And we're only in a studio. So much work for invisible results.

I don't like bitching, and I'd really prefer to not drone on and on with self-pitying egocentric trivialities, particulaly because I don't want to drive people away, or bore them, or create cause to dislike me, but...........

..................... Its kinda where I'm at right now. As much as I don't like that. So what's wrong with me? I mean, whats the main problem? Is there a specific character defect that I need to look at? Is it my perspective on life? Am I too stubborn? Indignant? Weak? Selfish?

Or, do I have a biochemical problem? Would medication be a magic cure? And if anti-depressants worked, would I need to take them forever to create some sort of calm or stability or do I simply need a jumpstart to fulfillment, happiness. Should I just give hope? I mean, when I think about it, have I been depressed for the past decade? Or, do I experience perfectly normal sad moments but overinflate their importance out of fear or hypersensitivity?

I don't know.

About so many things.

I want to help myself. I'm just not sure what to do or how.

One more day until I pick The Cutie back up from the airport. Its been super nice to be alone. (Not to say I don't love him to pieces.) But, I do think alone time can provide valuable clarity. Plus, I'm excited to be able to use his car and kinda look around where I live, something I've been wanting desparately to do since I first moved here as I still have a sense of not knowing my environment or where I am. Plus, I just like to drive! I do. There's a sense of freedom and joy that comes from movement. And I found a cool "Trader Joe's" store today (just down the street practically) and got to buy all kinds of cool and interesting foods. (I'm getting so tired of our local Pathmark & Shoprite: they're crowded, noisy and everyone seems so grumpy and unfriendly. Plain bad energy. And it gets to you after a while. Well, to me.)

In a moment (after this post) I'll go back out and return the feather bed I just bought from Marshalls for The Cutie's back (too small) and will look for a replacement as well as a new vacuum, (our's spits out more dirt than it sucks up.) I really like buying things that make The Cutie happy or more comfortable. Actually, I think I like getting him much more than he care about receiving them, but nonetheless..... I want him to know that I appreciate him.

The job is just so awful. Not sure if its as awful as I think it is, but I thinks it is!!! Just unpleasant. Nastiness. Snapping. Unfair blaming. Criticism. High strung nitpicking and pettiness. If I didn't think it would be a terrible bore, I might go into detail about why, but, maybe it doesn't matter. The other reason I might elaborate would be to get some sort of outside perspective, some sort of validation. But then, why do I have to prove myself? I don't know. To know I'm not crazy? Hold too high of expectations of people? Why can't people by civil? I become so infuriated during the day I want to snap back or stomp out fuming. But then, how would I be any better? Are all jobs going to be like this? It makes me just want to be alone for the rest of my life. I can't handle work if this is what is typical behavior. Or at least coworkers.

Maybe its me.

I don't know.

Maybe its me.

Dream

Unexpectantly and without explanation, The Cutie angrily left me in Iraq admist the heart of unrest and disorder. I could not speak the language, was unable to count the money (with only a few American dollars on me), knew no one and had no where to go or way to protect myself.
Bombs began to rain down and I scrambled looking for protection from a similar fate to the bloodied corpses around me. For a short time I'd located a pocket of other English speaking people who drove a "bomb shelter" (a jeep with a roof) but this too was an inadequate Russion roulette as we held our collective breathes, grimly hoping that in the next instant, we would not be next. I became separated and apprehensivly entered a courtyard of turbened men, trying to dissapear. I was desparate, terrified, and furious at The Cutie. How could he betray me like this? How could he do this?

And it went on, and on - but no time now, I must get read for work...

The Cutie is gone for a few days and I am alone for the first time since I met him. The way it was for so many years. I have time and space and me. And good or bad, I more clearly hear my thoughts. They disturb me. I'm scared that if I don't seek help soon that I will be too complacent to pull myself out of this emotional muck. Maybe I should have paid better attention? Or maybe I'm overreacting. I don't know. Out of curiousity, I just took this "Quiz" and expected somewhat depressed results, but a 61, "severely depressed" surprised me. I crave a guidance. Comfort. Peace.

Trying hard not to be depressed though i lost it over the weekend. I hope the Cutie doesn't think less of me. Does he think I'm weak? Pathetic? Crazy? Its good to share - sometimes. Unless it makes you look stupid. Right? I don't know right now.

Off to work! Bye.

They made me cry within the first 10 minutes today

Why are such stupid things so friggin hard.

Video code provided by HotCodez.com

Insatiable Hunger

I think I've been eating to change my mood lately.  Desperate attempts to seize respite, restore calm. And I do deflect the unpleasantness -  for a moment.  Then, despite my determination,  in a spike rushes back the ugliness, the discomfort, the rage.  Like a host of other frailties, food also is an addictive mood altering medium, and it works - otherwise why would people use it?  Unfortunately, it leaves me feeling sick, mad at myself and dissapointed.  Time for an overhaul.  I've been wading deep into dangerous waters but am ready to turn back.

Do you think being sad allows you to appreciate your happiness more? Does the profundity of simple, silly things ever strike you as exceptionally beautiful during a dark time?