Size what?!

PS: I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT when Winter picked out a pair of pants for me to try on, (i only own 3 and they're getting pretty baggy.) Last time i checked i was pushing size 16 and crestfallen when i got my first 18. Anyway, i tried these on and i couldn't believe that even though they were form fitting, they didn't look horrible! I took them off and read the tag: SIZE THIRTEEN. What tha?!

"That can't be right!!!" I yelled through the stalls to my Personal Stylist, Winter.

"THAT IS TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE. THERE IS NO WAY!"

"Yes girl, i knew there was somethin funny when you said 14-16. I can just look at you and tell."

"WHAT?!?!?! WHat?! WHAT?!?! THAT CAN'T POSSIBLY POSSIBLY BE RIGHT! I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT. THERE IS NO WAY."

I made her get another pair of 13's to show there was some kinda error but what the hell! They fit too!!! What?!?!? Then i made her show me where she got them. THE JUNIOR DEPARTMENT, and i really fell out. I went from an 18 to a 13 without even knowing?!!????

Good Love

Deep plunging love
probing and full
exploring untouched places

Just So We're All Clear

I don't think so honey.

I fact, I don't think you're here at all.

I am.

Not you.

Me.

If you were **always here***hugs**smiles**, then i would see you because i am sitting three feet away from him, currently doing **our** laundry.

I massage his aching injured back each night.

Not you.

I cook him tasty nutritious meals each night: save the cinnamon, eggplant and double the spicy.

Not you.

I massage his feet to increase the circulation in his uncomfortably numb toes.

Not you.

I walk to Pathmark 4 times a week in all weather and strain under the weight of his groceries and two cases of diet coke.

Not you.

I pick up his medicines from the pharmacy and mail his letters at the post office each week.

Not you.

I buy him therapeutic gifts to ease his relentless pain. I bring him him sugarless candies to boost his spirits. I learned to play his computer games to keep him company. I encourage him when he is down. I hold him when his is in pain. I hug him when he is sad.

Not you.

I do this because I would do anything to make his life better - to afford him any trace of greater comfort or happiness or peace.

Not you.

I touch him. Laugh with him. Argue with him. Make up. I endure the sourness and regail the joys. I hold him naked in the night and smooth his hair. I dream with him and discuss **our** future **together**.

Not you.

And while yes, its true you two did fuck that one lonely week in times past- and fondly you will "never forget", I, on the other hand, am not an empty distant bootycall.

I am here.  Now.

Not you.

And when he looks at me, he makes love.

And each time we make love, the connection deepens - the tenderness - the desire - the intimacy - the trust.

The love.

And incidentally, just so you know, I don't plan on going anywhere.

Wants

To be able to drive aimelessly (explore), leave the shower curtain open after showering, keep the toothpaste pushed up, fall asleep in my clothes, leave the computer on at night, put pictures on the walls, rearrange the furniture, watch lots of movies, sleep with the puppy, buy a filing cabinet & desk, use the dishwasher, remove the framed picture of The Cutie and his last girlfriend on our fridge (she died).

Hey you there

What's your fucking problem. You can't take no for answer? Inappropriate and inconsiderate at best, it doesn't take a brain surgeon to see your relentless creepy stalking. Take a fucking hint and start your own life most importantly thereby leaving us alone. Its difficult to express just exactly how sick you continue to make me.

You had your time.
Now its over.
So do us all a favor, (including yourself)

Move the fuck on.
Before I vomit

Do I need to break it down more clearly for you?

Jesus.

Enough.

"It is never too late to become what you might have been." George Eliot

Halleluiah!!

Praise the @#$!* Lord!
(Because i'm actually a 12 year old trapped in a 31 year old body)

Which fits you? (if any?)

1.	I walk down the street There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in I am lost, I am helpless It isn't my fault It takes forever to get out
2.	I walk down the street There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I pretend I don't see it I fall in again I can't believe I am in the same place But it isn't my fault It still takes a long time to get out
3.	I walk down the street There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I see it there I still fall in....it's a habit My eyes are open I know where I am It is my fault I get out immediately
4.	I walk down the street There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I walk around it
5.	I walk down another street

I feel ugly

Ugly and old.
Used up.
Finished.

Egads

Sorry i haven't posted much lately. I just don't have much to say really. But, at least i've put some time into spiffying up the aesthetics here. This black background and gold print is the latest. It sure is time consuming to do when you don't know what you're doing!

Its getting down to the countdown which makes me a bit anxious. One final unemployment check and then i'll be cut off. The State of Hawaii says NO MORE FUNDAGE for Indigo.
I certainly can't complain. Its afforded me the greatest most relaxing rest of my adult life and perhaps made it possible for me to move out to New York to meet and live with Dave. What more could a person ask for?! Some people might begrudge me, but like my therapist said in her last email to me, "You worked your butt off and deserve a rest. Good for you." (That was reassuring.) Afterall, if anyone knows me, it would be her. Its touching that she still stays in touch with me although we've both moved onto new chapters of our lives. Her to Atlanta to finish her PhD and i to New York.

Its also the countdown for leaving to pursue dance for a month on the West Coast with my former teacher. I still have mixed feelings. Can i afford this? Is it the right time? Is it worth it? Am i fooling myself? Do i still love it as much as i used to? Is it practical? Would i forgive myself for not pursing it? Can i allow myself to not do it? Will Dave diapprove of me if i go?
I really need his support. I don't know if i can do it without him. I don't know if i'd want to actually.

::sigh::

I suppose its not much to worry about. I should relax and forget about it. Right?

But what will i do when i come back? What kind of job will i find? How will i start? What can i/do i want to do? How will i get there? I still have no idea how to get around. Its all so intimidating.
I'm nervous and afraid. (As usual) Big deal, what else is new?

"ba da da da da...I'm Lovin' It"

MCDONALDS is like sooo cool!! They have this new ad campaign that SO connects with me. Its like, HIGH ENERGY, and HIPHOP, and just so ME. I mean, if they weren't down with me, how could they make this ad that i saw the other day? Not only does it speak my language, but it wants me to get funky with my burger. I mean, how hot is that!? Dammmmmm

Glazed Over

Ever feel as though you are in bubble? And nothing else exists?
The past few days have been like that: peaceful, mediative, still. My mind feels emptied, cleared of bothersome debris. But, with this soothing comes a catch. The expurgation may have inadvertantly stripped away a thing or two i ought to have remembered.
But i don't know. My slippery mind is mush.

1 step back, 10 steps forward

What did Fredick Douglas say about "No struggle, no progress"? Well, inevitably every journey worth taking will have setbacks and difficulties. And that's okay. I'm okay. I won't worry. I won't get upset. I certainly won't give up. Instead, i'll pick myself up, wipe of my knees and march on. I've come a long ways, and have faith that i can continue. I will continue. Addictions are hard to break. They exist for an important reason; survival. And changing patterns of any sort requires major mental and emotional re-wiring which doesn't happen over night. In the Eating Disorder group, a relapse was more aptly referred to as a "Learning Day;" a day that may not be exactly what we want, but valuable nonetheless. To be examined, processed and most importantly forgiven.

The bottom line is; change does happen. And is happening for me. The following signs of "relapse" are simply that. A flicker that quickly subsides, making way for Recovery and Health.

Increase in obsessive thinking about food and weight

Wanting to be in control all the time

Perfectionistic attitudes

Wanting to escape from stressful situations

Feeling hopeless about work, relationships or life

Believing you will be happy and successful if thin

Feeling of being "too fat", even though people say otherwise

Wanting to isolate

Unable to use your support systems

Being dishonest with those helping you about your symptoms

Looking in the mirror often

Daily weighing

Avoiding certain foods because of the calorie content

Purchasing mostly diet foods

Skipping meals

Excessive exercising

Wearing only loose fitting clothes

Thoughts of suicide

Feeling disgusted with oneself after eating

"This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and animals, despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants ... re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem."
~Walt Whitman

Pinned Hopes

So, this is it.
The moment we've been waiting for - dreading.
We're here.
In this hospital again.
In this hospital again, on this floor, in this room, with these nurses, saturated in peculiar medical funk, for we hope, the 5th and final time.
Morning talk shows drone on from above.
Familiar nurses surround us.
Speaking.
"You know this will hurt David,"
He nods, and placidly looks on as they ease the blood engorged IV into his vein.
Weathered.
He knows the routine well, and does not cringe or move when they bobble and blunder.
He signs papers, answers questions while they take his vitals and rates his pain on a scale of 1 to 10.
"11?" She quips.
"6," he patiently replies.
"11?" she tries again, chuckling.
Unaffected, he sits. Calm. Reposed.
She checks his blood and frowns.
"What did you eat today?! Your sugar is high!" She scolds him.
"Nothing," he protests. I want to defend him and explain what she should already know.
The doctor stops by.
He explains that "this time it won't hurt so much since i''ll be sucking things out instead of applying pressure like last time."
He turns and asks good-naturedly, "is that okay with you?" I absently grin and nod too many times.
"Keep smiling!" he chimes as he departs and i wonder where he went to school, how well he studied and if he knows what he should know how to do.
And then it is just he and I.
Sitting.
Waiting.
Passing the final time.
Making tight jokes.
I trying not to cry.
Eventually, several years later though many days too soon,
the mint-green man appears and gives the sign.
He wheels my love away.
Who smiles.
"Bye! Have fun!" My final lame attempt at non-humorous ironic humor.
"Goodbye."

Dream

I had a dream about RP last night. I visited him and his family who lived part-time in an unrealistically large motor home. It was so comfortable and homey in fact, there was no tangible indication that it was actually a vehicle at all. That is until I became aware that RP was driving with tremendous velocity up an impossibly narrow road. It was a steep and windy hill that we were on when we approached a hair-pin turn. Surely he'll slow down, i thought to myself. But to my horror, we continued barrelling on only to find ourselves facing head-on into oncoming traffic. Seemingly unperplexed, RP casusally diverted our certain demise by veering off the road. At this point i suggested that i take over driving to which he easily agreed. However, when i began to drive, instead of finding myself at a steering wheel looking through a windshield pushing pedals, i found that the monstrous RV was controlled by mouse clicks and the outside world could only be viewed through a computer monitor. I was disoriented and frightened. How could i lead us all to safety in such strange and foreign circumstances?

Displeased

I'm bummed out.
Soon to be broke.
And my unemployment runs out in 2 checks, so i found out today.
Now what am i going to do.
What a drag.
How can i leave when i haven't yet found a job.
Not like i wanted to leave D for a month anyway, but....
Back to the real world i guess.
Back to the grind, the drugery the machine. Back to being a cog in the machine.

Squaring Off

I'm unsure about this template now.... I like the colors but it makes me kinda dizzy. It seems hard to read. And isn't the point of a blog the words, not the glitz?

My teacher replied to my email and said she and her husband welcome me to stay in their home for a month while i study with her. I can't believe it. What i've always wanted. An entire month completely dedicated to the art that i've been dying to continue where i left off years ago. So why now do i feel......... distress?

What am i doing? I am 31 years old. What is the point of it really. What am i going to do with it when i come back? Can i continue on my own? I don't even have anywhere to practice. And even if i did have a place to practice, so what? Am i going to perform all on my own? Alone? Where would i do that? Who would want to come see me? Why would i do that? Why do i care? Without my teacher, without guidance how far will i go? Will i continue learning? Will i be able to keep myself inspired and growing? Is it simply my ego that i'm trying to feed here? Or something else? What about the comraderie of having other fellow dancers? What's the point without that? What about bringing an audience enjoyment and pleasure, how can i do that as a solo performer? (There's so much more you can do in a group; dynamic formations, storytelling and visual artistry.)

Damn!

Damnit!

I hate saying these things! I was horrified when they crossed my mind in the elevator last night on the way to the store.

Its funny; like being fat; you can always use is it when a flailing psyche calls for it - like a crutch to lean on to explain away any circumstances in your life which are less than satisfactory - dreams yet unfufilled.

"I'll go jogging when i'm thin enough to wear these shorts."

"I'll can't go to the beach because i look horrible in a bathing suit."

"I can't dance because my fat with jiggle and disgust people."

And the list goes on.

"If only i could lose 50 pounds, i'd be married, have a better job,
people would like me, and i'd be happy."

Blah blah blah. Sound familiar? But who doesn't want to fulfill their dreams, you ask? That's ridiculous, right? Well, like the adage says, you can't fail if you don't try. And by never attempting- you secure yourself a nice, safe little slice of perpetual misery pie. Yum yum. My favorite. Packed with calories minus any pesky nutritional value.

What was that quote about most of us living quiet lives of desparation? Dang, who said that again?

I feel close to something here; something precarious - some self-imposed barrier perhaps. On the threshold of.....????? .......what?

Would i accept getting the things i want? Would i be happy meeting my dreams eye to eye? Will i allow myself to be happy? Do i feel i deserve it yet?

Make-Over

Well, just for fun, i spent the entire day playing with templates and html stuff. I don't have a clue what i'm doing but its fun messing with things and seeing what happens. This is what i've come up with so far. Is it hard on the eyes? ...As you can see its a work in progress - but fun!

The only program i have to make images with is a basic stock Paint which i used to make the title and captions. Probably silly, but it works for now. I also learned how to link stuff to the buttons (KEWL) with which i included D's new World of Warcraft Diaries blog and another blog that's very near and dear to my heart, "We Kick Ass" which D created while i still lived in Hawaii and we hadn't yet met. On it we recorded our wistful thoughts as we pined to finally meet and be with one another. Awwwww, those were the days..... We never did publish it, well, up until now.... Perhaps this will be the impetous we need to start writing again as i believe the last post was sometime in October? I guess once i moved in we had less need to type to each other. But, i still find it so sweet and so romantic. A testament to love. That was one of the nicest things anyone's ever done for me actually ~ that blog. =) and it surely did sweep me off my feet.
....As a sidenote, you'll find there, among other things, the original photo that D created which i later stole, used for my blogger profile and never gave him credit. (Thx D!)

Anyway, i also added a link under "images" to a new blog i made where i thought i could place all those photos i've been wanting to take..... =)

I'll keep plugging along tomorrow and see what else i can come up with. ... Maybe i can figure out why its taking so long to load and how to move down everything from the top margin....

With all these potential changes, i do wonder if i ought to go non-anonymous and change the tenor of my writing. Then i could include more specific/personal photos and whatnot... I dunno.... Still thinking....

Size Doesn't Matter

This online food journal i've been using the past few days is fun! Its really easy to use and kinda interesting. But i'm a little concerned too. Sometimes i can see slipping into a "dieting mentality" by obsessing on calorie counting or i begin to restrict when i see the day's calorie total rise beyond a certain point. Then, if i see that the the day's total is very low (too low, perhaps) i hear this blasted little voice that says, "RIGHT-ON" and gets all excited about how much more weight i might lose based on that. Uhoh. Thats not the relationship with food i'm aiming for, but wouldn't it be nice to be in a place where simple awareness doesn't trigger me to lose my equilibrium?

Where is this coming from, i ask myself. As i predicted, i think its because i've lost/am losing weight. Having struggled with my weight since i was in elementary school, its hard to not celebrate the aesthetics of a rapidly dissapearing body, or then zoom in on the loss and see it as a measure of success. And then there's a rush of pride and excitement and hopefullness and maybe even arrogance and like an addict that can't get enough i want MORE and MORE and MORE. I unconsciously drift off; fantasizing of how skinny i can get and how i'll look when i get there. I imagine spending several hours a day working out, becoming ripped, a marathon runner, a triathlete, a gymnast, having six pack abs that you'd cut a finger on. I see anorexic actresses on the tv shows we watch and imagine being in their illustrious positions; adored and glamorous; exalted.

Of Value.

After a lifetime bombardment of overt and covert messages that thin=sucess/beauty/happiness/respectability/desirability and fat=ugly/slovenly/lazy/patheticness/rejection, the progamming is hardwired and not simple or easy to shake -regardless of how strong my conscious intentions. Nonethess, intellectually i know; a shrinking body is superficial and external, and my true objective is purely the internal; listening to my body cues about hunger and fullness as well as my feelings and desires; veiwing my intrinsic worth as a human being unrelated to a number on a scale.. If i lose weight, i'd like to see be a byproduct of my increasing health and synchronicity of mind and body, not because i forced my body into submission or some sort of "force of will."

I hope its possible.