ok. Let me start my Thursday now. Its morning and I just walked in the office with my large McDonalds coffee and sat at the owners desk. I wonder if this blog entry will show up on their server? OH well. So what are we going to accomplish today? I like being here. It's so mellow and self-directed. And best of all, I actually feel like I'm worth something. What a shocker. Here we gooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Apr 14, 2004
Apr 13, 2004
I wish more people would leave me comments here. I'm terribly curious how all this blabbering is being received. Due to my narcissitic personality, no doubt.
Tomorrow is Monday. My acquaintance Joe said he can look at my car's oil leaks. But he lives on-base and he reminded me that I'd have to have my car registration/safety sticker/insurance all up-to-date. Immediately I gave up inside, since that seemed a insurmountable feat. It would be a HUGE and COMPLICATED process to secure these things, I thought to myself. But, he corrected this mistaken assumption & simply mentioned that all I'd have to do is go to a Satellite City Hall for the title. OH YEAH! And I remembered, I could just call AIG and switch the insurance from my last car that I had towed god knows how many months ago already but have been procrastinating/avoiding taking off my insurance. It was the kick-in-the-pants I needed to FINALLLLLY do what's been on my to do list for countless days. I marveled at the simplicity of the title exchange. It literally could not have taken more than 120 seconds to complete. Why do I make things so hard that can be so easy?! I agonize over the most ridiculous of chores. It's simply ridiculous and royal waste of precious life energy.
Tomorrow is Monday. My acquaintance Joe said he can look at my car's oil leaks. But he lives on-base and he reminded me that I'd have to have my car registration/safety sticker/insurance all up-to-date. Immediately I gave up inside, since that seemed a insurmountable feat. It would be a HUGE and COMPLICATED process to secure these things, I thought to myself. But, he corrected this mistaken assumption & simply mentioned that all I'd have to do is go to a Satellite City Hall for the title. OH YEAH! And I remembered, I could just call AIG and switch the insurance from my last car that I had towed god knows how many months ago already but have been procrastinating/avoiding taking off my insurance. It was the kick-in-the-pants I needed to FINALLLLLY do what's been on my to do list for countless days. I marveled at the simplicity of the title exchange. It literally could not have taken more than 120 seconds to complete. Why do I make things so hard that can be so easy?! I agonize over the most ridiculous of chores. It's simply ridiculous and royal waste of precious life energy.
Almost 2am. long day. full day at office. group therapy. and then here to work again. a crisis going on when i arrived. 3 family members of a client were at the front door threatening another client and demanding that their sister go with them, "or they weren't leaving" drama drama drama. cops came. kids all wound up and feisty. wanting to egg each other on. incite a riot like. instigate. The House Of Drama. never a dull moment though after a while it all looks the same and loses its appeal. you see the patterns. you become less surprised by the silliness. maybe more jaded. anyway. still feelin good. glad i only arrive at the tail end and don't have to get sucked up into the stress. thank goodness.
niteynite
Indigo.
niteynite
Indigo.
Apr 10, 2004
Well I guess I'll write more about nothing since this blasted computer (that I'm PAYING TO USE) won't allow me to write emails! (What?!) I decided on a mango smoothie and bought some yummy organic enchilda stuff. Perfect breakfast for an upset stomach. Maybe I'll wait to eat it though. Ew.
Ope! Midas calling.....
Arg. $350 for 3 seals and they said i need to replace 2 cb joints too. What are those things? Are they ripping me off? Probably. Auto shops always do. Always. Always always always. Car problems are the vain of my existance. What does that mean? "Vain of my existance" I have no idea but it just came out. Isn't that weird how we say things and have no idea what they mean. (Or, at least i do.) Okay. Now what do i do. Get a 2nd opinion? Where? Maybe I'll call my Dad. He might know if that's a good price. Geez. Here we go again.
byebye
Indigo
Ope! Midas calling.....
Arg. $350 for 3 seals and they said i need to replace 2 cb joints too. What are those things? Are they ripping me off? Probably. Auto shops always do. Always. Always always always. Car problems are the vain of my existance. What does that mean? "Vain of my existance" I have no idea but it just came out. Isn't that weird how we say things and have no idea what they mean. (Or, at least i do.) Okay. Now what do i do. Get a 2nd opinion? Where? Maybe I'll call my Dad. He might know if that's a good price. Geez. Here we go again.
byebye
Indigo
Well, sitting at the internet cafe again today. Waiting for my car to be diagnosed at Midas. I just tried to get it an oil change like a good-little-car-owner, but Jiffy Lube refused citing a bad oil leak!! What? Oil leak?! Oh no I thought it was fine! (I just bought it from a friend a couple months ago for 500 bucks.) I just got done with a year of oil leaks from my previous hoopty. No no no! Not again! I'm nervous and crossing my fingers (which makes it hard to type.)
My stomach still feels queasy today but I am hungry too (i think?) so what do i do? Everything I think to eat turns my insides. Ew. Then again, maybe I'll lose weight if I stop eating! Everybody says your body just reacts and conversely stores calories instead when you don't eat, but somehow i find that to be a suspicious theory. What explains bony anorexics and wasting away hunger strikers? Its probably another conspiracy designed to keep me fat.
My stomach still feels queasy today but I am hungry too (i think?) so what do i do? Everything I think to eat turns my insides. Ew. Then again, maybe I'll lose weight if I stop eating! Everybody says your body just reacts and conversely stores calories instead when you don't eat, but somehow i find that to be a suspicious theory. What explains bony anorexics and wasting away hunger strikers? Its probably another conspiracy designed to keep me fat.
Apr 9, 2004
Its 5aM, why am i waking up now? that's crazy . that never happens. i'm typing with my eyeS closed. (literally) .in bed. i'll edit later.
DREAMS:
carrying some family's (whos?) big oversized awkward baby around. its too long and too heavy and it keeps falling out of my arms. i drop it oto the floor and feel guilty. for some reason tthis big bbaby irritates me. it says weird things. not baby like tthings. hoin fact, why is a baby talking anyway? it whines to me, "I'M NOT AMORPHOUS" why does the baby care, i can't even reason to it that tthat doesn't even mean anything and its siblings are just teasing him because the baby is too young to explain. irritating and i wish the parents would relieve me of the burden of trying to take care of it. if they weren't so wrapped up in themselves, they would pay more attention to him. i mean, its not MY baby anyway. geez. finally i capture their attention, wait, is my mom one of the parents? anyway, i get their attention and i ask if its ok to let him go. i'm irritated because when i keep putting him down he climbs up on a plug and starts grabbing at my clock and messing with things and disrupting my stuff. the parents just don
t even notcice. they excuse his behavio as normal. i s think to myself, well if he had TOYS it might prevent his messing with other things. the parent (my mom?) says, "oh just go ahead and put him down" "i've seen him entertain himself for hours before" so, i do, with doubt. then i set up a water pitcher like thing *looks like a BRITA pitcher( with a tube in itube in it attached oto the baby sitting next to it so he can breathe. the water moves up and down with his breathe. i prope him against t and ask the parents, isthis ok? thye kinda glance over, but get destracted with themselves (they hardly ever pay attnetion to him) and dismissively say, "yeah yeah that's fine) ...theman says he lost 250 (somethings? i think he's talking about money but i'm not sure i think hehas some kind of accent?) somewhere. ( i think to myself he's talkinga bout at a garbage dump) and he needs to go find it immediately. i have an urge to volunteer to help, but i restrain myself because i think it will make the lady jealous, suspicious, so i don't . he takes off. i notice the carpets underneath the baby in the kitchen area are wet and gross. i move them around so he doesn't get too affected. i know in my heart he's not in a good position for a baby and i should be taking better care but i'm still irriated at him for being sunch a nusiance and its really the parents responsiblity anyway. their last baby was so different. it was so nice and comfortable to pick up.
cut 2
in my van tumbling down the street. looks like spokane residential street. i'm going terribly fast and am out of control.. the brakes won't work the car won't stop. i am now going backwards and triying to swearve around parked and moving cars from behind. it seems an impossible task and for an instant it occurs to me with pride that i'm doing an awesome job. sucessfully navigating an impossible feet. i know the time is limited though and i soon inevitably CRASH into something. l(like a fire hydrant?) the van SPLITS in two, like the car part some where, and then 2 small mettal piecesdown down down the street and me. we are thrust forward. i don't know where the car goes. they two metal pieces are rolling rolling rolling. i try despartely to catch up but can not. i worry i'll get in trouble from the neighbors. i hope despartely to not be sseen. i am panicked but also feeling a giddy rebelliousness. like i'm getting away with something or an adventrue, trying to get away with soemthing. theres a certain sense of excitemtn and freedom in my crash and journey looking for the parts...........i am looking everwhere. up and downhills. in an apartmetn complex. i park my van and go it to the complex. i come back out and it is marked up with pieces of paper attached all across the windsheild and roof from the apt complex, "we're going to tow you soon if you don't move your care" i am slightly concerned, but mostly i just laugh at their stupidty. "they can't do that! they don't even have the jurisdiction" who do they think they are and i am still feeling that sense of revellion. i rip them off and drive on my way. ha ha! i got them! ... at some point i sit in the drivers sit and with contentment write in my blog on a laptop spread before me on a builtit in table i glow in my contentment and feel untterly happy in my little van-home (vw camper) the envy of passerbyers
cut 2
i've walked to some sort of plant. water plant? something big and industrial and official. governemental like. there is something about to go wrong. something big. like a natrual disaster of something in the plant is about to bust. like the water is going to go pouring through the building like a tidal wave and carry away all of the people and drownd all in site. i have some special insight and foreknowledge and i quickly problems solve/ asses/plan an escape. but i'm not quite sure what's going to happen and i've never been here before so my problem solving skills aren't quite effective. i'm working with impossible odds. quick quick. what do i do? maybe it's not going to be the tdal wave busted pipe thing. what do i do. a person is walking by, and i quickly asess that we can work together to survive. then a few more. i quickly inititae a pact. ther is more power in numbers and we quickly bond. we are nerds. misfits, joining forces. i look around and guess, we can go forward towards town, but i don't know if theres engough time, we can go behind bak into the building for cover, but i think we'll be trapped when the water comes and hit things and suffocate, so i think we should go up up up to the right, cimb that equipment, and the (about 10) of us start climbing. i pause and help the people behind me despite feeling panicked and scared. i feel its worthe the sacrifcie to help out. it feels good to be calm and brave. .. we find ourselves in some sort of control room. to our relief there is suddenly a computer guy amongst us. and he's worked for them before and knows the codes to the giant guns!! YES! what alucky break. he starts typing furiously but it is too late. there is a pounding at the door. the deak skeletons are clamoring to get us. one trys to grab me and i slam it shut just it time pushing its bones out of the way.. i am terrifiyed beyond belief. truly terrifyed. its getting bad. what are we going to do?
i think this is where i wake up. i notice my mouth is open wide and dry. i wonder if i alwyas sleep like this? i keep breathing to check if i have sleep apnea like i recently suspected.. no, seems ok. i try to look at the clock and squint because my eyes are bad. 5am?!!??!?! what the hell is going on. that NEVER happens!!!! i check in with my head. a very very mild ache still. thank god it lightened up. but i have the sense of the aftermath of sickness. like you've really been through something major and are now on the other side of the traumas. like ahving been through a war. i don't recall everhaving a headache like that before.... highly unusual. inexplicable.
now waht do i do? try to go back to bed? but why? i don't feel tired at all. how EXTREMELY PECULIAR.... i've never (not that i can remember) ever experienced such a thing. is it that htp? good god, So weird...
DREAMS:
carrying some family's (whos?) big oversized awkward baby around. its too long and too heavy and it keeps falling out of my arms. i drop it oto the floor and feel guilty. for some reason tthis big bbaby irritates me. it says weird things. not baby like tthings. hoin fact, why is a baby talking anyway? it whines to me, "I'M NOT AMORPHOUS" why does the baby care, i can't even reason to it that tthat doesn't even mean anything and its siblings are just teasing him because the baby is too young to explain. irritating and i wish the parents would relieve me of the burden of trying to take care of it. if they weren't so wrapped up in themselves, they would pay more attention to him. i mean, its not MY baby anyway. geez. finally i capture their attention, wait, is my mom one of the parents? anyway, i get their attention and i ask if its ok to let him go. i'm irritated because when i keep putting him down he climbs up on a plug and starts grabbing at my clock and messing with things and disrupting my stuff. the parents just don
t even notcice. they excuse his behavio as normal. i s think to myself, well if he had TOYS it might prevent his messing with other things. the parent (my mom?) says, "oh just go ahead and put him down" "i've seen him entertain himself for hours before" so, i do, with doubt. then i set up a water pitcher like thing *looks like a BRITA pitcher( with a tube in itube in it attached oto the baby sitting next to it so he can breathe. the water moves up and down with his breathe. i prope him against t and ask the parents, isthis ok? thye kinda glance over, but get destracted with themselves (they hardly ever pay attnetion to him) and dismissively say, "yeah yeah that's fine) ...theman says he lost 250 (somethings? i think he's talking about money but i'm not sure i think hehas some kind of accent?) somewhere. ( i think to myself he's talkinga bout at a garbage dump) and he needs to go find it immediately. i have an urge to volunteer to help, but i restrain myself because i think it will make the lady jealous, suspicious, so i don't . he takes off. i notice the carpets underneath the baby in the kitchen area are wet and gross. i move them around so he doesn't get too affected. i know in my heart he's not in a good position for a baby and i should be taking better care but i'm still irriated at him for being sunch a nusiance and its really the parents responsiblity anyway. their last baby was so different. it was so nice and comfortable to pick up.
cut 2
in my van tumbling down the street. looks like spokane residential street. i'm going terribly fast and am out of control.. the brakes won't work the car won't stop. i am now going backwards and triying to swearve around parked and moving cars from behind. it seems an impossible task and for an instant it occurs to me with pride that i'm doing an awesome job. sucessfully navigating an impossible feet. i know the time is limited though and i soon inevitably CRASH into something. l(like a fire hydrant?) the van SPLITS in two, like the car part some where, and then 2 small mettal piecesdown down down the street and me. we are thrust forward. i don't know where the car goes. they two metal pieces are rolling rolling rolling. i try despartely to catch up but can not. i worry i'll get in trouble from the neighbors. i hope despartely to not be sseen. i am panicked but also feeling a giddy rebelliousness. like i'm getting away with something or an adventrue, trying to get away with soemthing. theres a certain sense of excitemtn and freedom in my crash and journey looking for the parts...........i am looking everwhere. up and downhills. in an apartmetn complex. i park my van and go it to the complex. i come back out and it is marked up with pieces of paper attached all across the windsheild and roof from the apt complex, "we're going to tow you soon if you don't move your care" i am slightly concerned, but mostly i just laugh at their stupidty. "they can't do that! they don't even have the jurisdiction" who do they think they are and i am still feeling that sense of revellion. i rip them off and drive on my way. ha ha! i got them! ... at some point i sit in the drivers sit and with contentment write in my blog on a laptop spread before me on a builtit in table i glow in my contentment and feel untterly happy in my little van-home (vw camper) the envy of passerbyers
cut 2
i've walked to some sort of plant. water plant? something big and industrial and official. governemental like. there is something about to go wrong. something big. like a natrual disaster of something in the plant is about to bust. like the water is going to go pouring through the building like a tidal wave and carry away all of the people and drownd all in site. i have some special insight and foreknowledge and i quickly problems solve/ asses/plan an escape. but i'm not quite sure what's going to happen and i've never been here before so my problem solving skills aren't quite effective. i'm working with impossible odds. quick quick. what do i do? maybe it's not going to be the tdal wave busted pipe thing. what do i do. a person is walking by, and i quickly asess that we can work together to survive. then a few more. i quickly inititae a pact. ther is more power in numbers and we quickly bond. we are nerds. misfits, joining forces. i look around and guess, we can go forward towards town, but i don't know if theres engough time, we can go behind bak into the building for cover, but i think we'll be trapped when the water comes and hit things and suffocate, so i think we should go up up up to the right, cimb that equipment, and the (about 10) of us start climbing. i pause and help the people behind me despite feeling panicked and scared. i feel its worthe the sacrifcie to help out. it feels good to be calm and brave. .. we find ourselves in some sort of control room. to our relief there is suddenly a computer guy amongst us. and he's worked for them before and knows the codes to the giant guns!! YES! what alucky break. he starts typing furiously but it is too late. there is a pounding at the door. the deak skeletons are clamoring to get us. one trys to grab me and i slam it shut just it time pushing its bones out of the way.. i am terrifiyed beyond belief. truly terrifyed. its getting bad. what are we going to do?
i think this is where i wake up. i notice my mouth is open wide and dry. i wonder if i alwyas sleep like this? i keep breathing to check if i have sleep apnea like i recently suspected.. no, seems ok. i try to look at the clock and squint because my eyes are bad. 5am?!!??!?! what the hell is going on. that NEVER happens!!!! i check in with my head. a very very mild ache still. thank god it lightened up. but i have the sense of the aftermath of sickness. like you've really been through something major and are now on the other side of the traumas. like ahving been through a war. i don't recall everhaving a headache like that before.... highly unusual. inexplicable.
now waht do i do? try to go back to bed? but why? i don't feel tired at all. how EXTREMELY PECULIAR.... i've never (not that i can remember) ever experienced such a thing. is it that htp? good god, So weird...
OH my heart is RACING. Someone arrived home that I didn't hear until right at the door of the office.
Anyway, back to the anecdote.
1/2 of the class was to create as many clay pots as possible, it didn't matter how great or small they were, just as long as there were many.
The other 1/2 of the class need not pay attention to the quantity of creations, but rather, they were to make one, single piece of art. The only requirement that it should be their very best work, demonstrating their skills and abilities as a potter.
After two weeks the results were this, the first half enjoyed the process and created freely, unconcerned with results but thorougly engaged by the experience. Consequently, they produced many high quality products of quality and beauty.
The second group however, found themselves overwhelmed and daunted by the pressures of perfection, and in many cases found themselves rendered completely stunted and unable to produce even a single pot.
Anyway, back to the anecdote.
1/2 of the class was to create as many clay pots as possible, it didn't matter how great or small they were, just as long as there were many.
The other 1/2 of the class need not pay attention to the quantity of creations, but rather, they were to make one, single piece of art. The only requirement that it should be their very best work, demonstrating their skills and abilities as a potter.
After two weeks the results were this, the first half enjoyed the process and created freely, unconcerned with results but thorougly engaged by the experience. Consequently, they produced many high quality products of quality and beauty.
The second group however, found themselves overwhelmed and daunted by the pressures of perfection, and in many cases found themselves rendered completely stunted and unable to produce even a single pot.
ok now i woke up for real (8am) just re-read my dreams. cool. so many details. maybe i'll bring them to group to be interpreted. i love this blog thing. so what am i going to do today? hmmm. maybe go in to the office? i hear the program director next door. i'll have to try and sneak out like i'm going to teach still. why do i always feel like i've been a bad girl when i see her? i think because she only talks to me when i'm in trouble. now i associate her with that only.
My head is pounding. Maybe it was the 5 Long Island Ice Teas last night at the club. Had a spontaneous 1st date with a guy, J, whos been calling me alot the past couple weeks from the on-line dating thing. He's 24 and into me. Why? As I feared, the club was full of young-ins (without rythym) so he and I shook it up and jammed like old-school pros. Felt good. Damm good. After the club closed at 4am we drove to the city and he wrapped his arm around me. It was so sweet and romantic in my intoxicated delirium. I haven't experienced such sweetness in an extraordinarily long time. It felt more like a highschool fantasy world than the hard bitter adult life I recently began resigning to. Damm, things are going good! We then went to the beach and made-out in the bushes under a blanket until it started getting light and I noticed people beginning to filter by us. Startled, I jumped up and was ready to go. Turns out that was a good call since 5 minutes later an Easter church service began right on the beach just beyond those same bushes! As we walked out of the park, people were streaming in! haha
What are the odds. He took me home and I crashed for a couple hours. I had an interesting dream about my brother. I wonder if that was because my date reminded me of him a little. When I woke up I felt happy (!!!!) and looked forward to spending the rest of the day before coming here to work. I repeat: I LOOKED FORWARD TO WAKING UP. (.....WHOA!......)
Grabbed an Espresso Frappuchino (yummm) dropped by the health food store for a salad and spent an hour online at their nifty computer by the sunlit window while grooving to their evokative, whimsical music. I smiled to myself for no reason. I reread my most recent email from my old highschool english teacher that I've been corresponding with and glowed. I love hearing from him, his writing, his poetry, our connection. It makes me feel so special and honored. I don't know why, but he says the same.
Then headed back to the beach, sat and watched with wonder the kite surfers launching into the air, twisting and flipping like human frisbees. I brought my big 35-80 mm camera (that Greg loaned/gave me) and pretended to be a photographer snapping a couple shots on the shore. I don't think they'll look too great since it was overcast , but just for the memories, it'll be fun.
Then J called. He wanted to see me before I went to work so he came by the beach! Wow! It was nice. Flattering but (weird?) to see him. I liked his company but he kept trying to kiss me which was, um, freaky! Weird! Embarrassing! Confusing! I don't know. He's so young. And we were in public. And I barely know him. And what will the neighbors think? Ugh. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings by fending him off, but ugh, I just couldn't do it. What would you have done?
What are the odds. He took me home and I crashed for a couple hours. I had an interesting dream about my brother. I wonder if that was because my date reminded me of him a little. When I woke up I felt happy (!!!!) and looked forward to spending the rest of the day before coming here to work. I repeat: I LOOKED FORWARD TO WAKING UP. (.....WHOA!......)
Grabbed an Espresso Frappuchino (yummm) dropped by the health food store for a salad and spent an hour online at their nifty computer by the sunlit window while grooving to their evokative, whimsical music. I smiled to myself for no reason. I reread my most recent email from my old highschool english teacher that I've been corresponding with and glowed. I love hearing from him, his writing, his poetry, our connection. It makes me feel so special and honored. I don't know why, but he says the same.
Then headed back to the beach, sat and watched with wonder the kite surfers launching into the air, twisting and flipping like human frisbees. I brought my big 35-80 mm camera (that Greg loaned/gave me) and pretended to be a photographer snapping a couple shots on the shore. I don't think they'll look too great since it was overcast , but just for the memories, it'll be fun.
Then J called. He wanted to see me before I went to work so he came by the beach! Wow! It was nice. Flattering but (weird?) to see him. I liked his company but he kept trying to kiss me which was, um, freaky! Weird! Embarrassing! Confusing! I don't know. He's so young. And we were in public. And I barely know him. And what will the neighbors think? Ugh. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings by fending him off, but ugh, I just couldn't do it. What would you have done?
Apr 8, 2004
Wow its 1pm.. I've been messing with this blog thing for hours now, guessing and playing with the template stuff. I don't know what i'm doing but I keep moving stuff around and seeing what it does. I feel like a magician. Cool.
Now its time to sneak out of this house. I hope everyone's gone. I don't feel like seeing the clients or staff. I hate mingling. Plus, I might get trapped into working a shift!!! ACK! RUNNNNN!
Now its time to sneak out of this house. I hope everyone's gone. I don't feel like seeing the clients or staff. I hate mingling. Plus, I might get trapped into working a shift!!! ACK! RUNNNNN!
Dreams last night:
#1...Kept running into famous people. Had a date with Britney Spears. I was skeptical it would work, but for some reason she seemed interested. A guy I barely know, Matt, happened by and said Hi, I jumped up enthusiastically to greet him. It crosses my mind that its good that she sees i have friends and especially goodlooking ones so I appear cooler. He makes a joke that I was with Britney Spears (like she was just a look-a-like) but then he noticed we weren't laughing and she got all uncomfortable. I try to figure out a way to protect her and divert attention but can't come up with anything on the spot. She must hate this, I think. I bet she just wants to be normal sometimes. Then his face dropped and he asked seriously, " What, you're not REALLY her are you?" and he stared at us, looking back and forth between us for an answer. Not long after, the whole place noticed and there was suddenly a swarm of pushy fans clamoring after her.
Dream 2:
Trying to get away from a suddenly dangerous situation. Teenage men thowing small blades at me as I climbed a staircase. One painfully lodged itself deep into my left hand. I tried to get away but didn't quite know where i was going or how to escape. Didn't seem to be able to get away quick enough. Suddenly cornered by 4 men in small space. I think I kept getting stabbed or something? I don't know. Later when I was retelling the story, (to some authority or something) i showed the damage on my left arm. There were all kinds of long strange scrapes up and down my arm and carved designs. I'm surprised by them and they remind of a girl from group that cuts herself. I breifly wonder if the group will mistake them as self injuries... The lady exclaimed she recongnized one shape on my wrist as an emblem for a local vicious gang. Now I had been branded and they would recongnize me as their property from now on. I was theirs. I felt terrified.
#3 My old india n da nce teacher is giving me a lesson in a small boxlike, sunlit yellow room. I think it is my parent's Redmond living room but we are in the state that i live now. She reveals to me that she doesn't dance here because there are too many asians and they will tear her apart. We giggle that I now know the secret and I want to convince her to get past that and dance anyway. I don't though, because I don't want to discourage her from being honest with me in the future. I want to just honor her feelings and not be pushy. I plug in a small casette player to get ready for a lesson. Will she give me a lesson? I want to be ready just in case. Maybe she'll see the casette player and see it as a hint that I want to learn. She notices my cell phone is about to die. She becomes adamant that I MUST recharge it RIGHT AWAY or i'll have to "reset" it again. I try to tell her its ok, no big deal, i can always recharge it, but she persists, its URGENT, she knows other young girls that were very irresponsible, lazy and did not keep up with their cell phones, and they let them die, and then they had a very complicated time trying to get them going again, they had to type in a series of numbers (like a code.) She is adamant about this. There speaks with disdain. I try to reassure her and I rush to get the charger to appease her and get her off the inconsequential subject.
#4 We're (dance teacher and i) are in the Redmond laundry room (i think) and see a young star lying down in the garage. Teacher invites her in for a date with the neighbor boy, Todd. She stand ups, uninterested, and saunters in. They seize each other up. She HAD appeared rather innocent, young, but now she makes a knowing/old person statement about men and all they want and how she knows how to give it to them. She seems hardenend and knowing beyond her years. ...Then she's coming up an escalator and we are watching her. The top of the escalater is the costume/wig dream area...
DREAM #5
At a mall like area. We have wigs lots of funny colored silly wigs. Masses of people are filling in. We are provided them with wigs. And then costumes. And there are dozens, hundreds of people standing around, clamoring for costumes, many people i know, they returned and exchanged like mad, we toss them on a big rack. A football team filters in, there is a song from a musical playing in the background, it is really just regualr people with big costumes we had loaned them and lots of padding in their shoulders. The jog in single file, smiling, behind us. The air is festive. I think to myself, this might be a fun business to be in, maybe i'll persuade my friend to start one with me! (I think the friend is the girl that cuts herself in group that I have a strong connection with. She's artisitic and good with computer graphics.)
Dream 2:
Trying to get away from a suddenly dangerous situation. Teenage men thowing small blades at me as I climbed a staircase. One painfully lodged itself deep into my left hand. I tried to get away but didn't quite know where i was going or how to escape. Didn't seem to be able to get away quick enough. Suddenly cornered by 4 men in small space. I think I kept getting stabbed or something? I don't know. Later when I was retelling the story, (to some authority or something) i showed the damage on my left arm. There were all kinds of long strange scrapes up and down my arm and carved designs. I'm surprised by them and they remind of a girl from group that cuts herself. I breifly wonder if the group will mistake them as self injuries... The lady exclaimed she recongnized one shape on my wrist as an emblem for a local vicious gang. Now I had been branded and they would recongnize me as their property from now on. I was theirs. I felt terrified.
#3 My old india n da nce teacher is giving me a lesson in a small boxlike, sunlit yellow room. I think it is my parent's Redmond living room but we are in the state that i live now. She reveals to me that she doesn't dance here because there are too many asians and they will tear her apart. We giggle that I now know the secret and I want to convince her to get past that and dance anyway. I don't though, because I don't want to discourage her from being honest with me in the future. I want to just honor her feelings and not be pushy. I plug in a small casette player to get ready for a lesson. Will she give me a lesson? I want to be ready just in case. Maybe she'll see the casette player and see it as a hint that I want to learn. She notices my cell phone is about to die. She becomes adamant that I MUST recharge it RIGHT AWAY or i'll have to "reset" it again. I try to tell her its ok, no big deal, i can always recharge it, but she persists, its URGENT, she knows other young girls that were very irresponsible, lazy and did not keep up with their cell phones, and they let them die, and then they had a very complicated time trying to get them going again, they had to type in a series of numbers (like a code.) She is adamant about this. There speaks with disdain. I try to reassure her and I rush to get the charger to appease her and get her off the inconsequential subject.
#4 We're (dance teacher and i) are in the Redmond laundry room (i think) and see a young star lying down in the garage. Teacher invites her in for a date with the neighbor boy, Todd. She stand ups, uninterested, and saunters in. They seize each other up. She HAD appeared rather innocent, young, but now she makes a knowing/old person statement about men and all they want and how she knows how to give it to them. She seems hardenend and knowing beyond her years. ...Then she's coming up an escalator and we are watching her. The top of the escalater is the costume/wig dream area...
DREAM #5
At a mall like area. We have wigs lots of funny colored silly wigs. Masses of people are filling in. We are provided them with wigs. And then costumes. And there are dozens, hundreds of people standing around, clamoring for costumes, many people i know, they returned and exchanged like mad, we toss them on a big rack. A football team filters in, there is a song from a musical playing in the background, it is really just regualr people with big costumes we had loaned them and lots of padding in their shoulders. The jog in single file, smiling, behind us. The air is festive. I think to myself, this might be a fun business to be in, maybe i'll persuade my friend to start one with me! (I think the friend is the girl that cuts herself in group that I have a strong connection with. She's artisitic and good with computer graphics.)
Apr 6, 2004
Okay just finished my official bonified last day of teaching school. Preparing my students for the final exam to receive their diplomas. It was actually fun and I did great! I'm so proud of myself. Who was that masked woman? Why was I so on-it? Dynamic and fun? Clear explanations and all. Well, at least I was today. Ask me tomorrow and I'm sure you'll get a whole other story. If I had lots of todays, I'd be more encouraged to continue. So, what's the variable, I wonder?
I'm still in the class now, killing time before group therapy in a couple hours, websurfing and adding to my new best friend, this bloggie thing. Been reading about 5HTP, its benefits, the way it works, FDA's opinion, etc. I stumbled on some info on Pharmaceutical anti-depressants while I was at it. I really didn't have any idea how severe side affects can be! Thank god I never started or bought into the Multi-Billion dollar industry. (I wonder how big the alternative medicine industry is? Is it an "industry?" hmm) Anyway, one webpage mentioned that Paxil has been banned in several countries siting withdrawal symptoms comparable to that of Heroin withdrawals. Geez. Is that true?! The group home that I work at prescribes these meds to the kids like candy. "Oh? You couldn't sleep last night? There, there, here's a bottle of Seroquel!" ...."Oh? You're feeling grumpy? Tsk Tsk. Take these!" "You're looking a little pudgy. Eat this Topamax....Oh the label says it's for epiliesy? Don't mind that, it will make you look better." [God forbid we have fat people around that make us uncomfortable.] These kids don't even ask for the fucking medicine. It's simply prescribed. Some of them take over 6 meds a night. Ask them why, and rarely are they able to provide an answer. (Maybe its that drug induced stupor. haha)
I guess some things are simply beyond understanding. Or maybe just belief.
I'm still in the class now, killing time before group therapy in a couple hours, websurfing and adding to my new best friend, this bloggie thing. Been reading about 5HTP, its benefits, the way it works, FDA's opinion, etc. I stumbled on some info on Pharmaceutical anti-depressants while I was at it. I really didn't have any idea how severe side affects can be! Thank god I never started or bought into the Multi-Billion dollar industry. (I wonder how big the alternative medicine industry is? Is it an "industry?" hmm) Anyway, one webpage mentioned that Paxil has been banned in several countries siting withdrawal symptoms comparable to that of Heroin withdrawals. Geez. Is that true?! The group home that I work at prescribes these meds to the kids like candy. "Oh? You couldn't sleep last night? There, there, here's a bottle of Seroquel!" ...."Oh? You're feeling grumpy? Tsk Tsk. Take these!" "You're looking a little pudgy. Eat this Topamax....Oh the label says it's for epiliesy? Don't mind that, it will make you look better." [God forbid we have fat people around that make us uncomfortable.] These kids don't even ask for the fucking medicine. It's simply prescribed. Some of them take over 6 meds a night. Ask them why, and rarely are they able to provide an answer. (Maybe its that drug induced stupor. haha)
I guess some things are simply beyond understanding. Or maybe just belief.
Its midnight & I'm gettin ready to turn in so I don't have much energy to say much. Worked for 11 hours at the office; organizing, boxing old papers scattered about from the past 6 years of their disorganized operation, consolidating the many hundreds and hundreds of unbilled invoices. I expect to find at least a couple hundred thousand dollars that could have been billed. If we recover half of it, it'll be a thrill. I just can't understand how the owner let it get so bad. How can you live with that? I would go bezerk. Why didn't he ask for help? Or hire someone? I try to congnizant of "rubbing it in," but its so hard not to react to the insanity of it all. What will all the customers all back as far as 1996 if we were to attempt to bill them now? I almost think it will reinforce the ineptitude of the company. Maybe he should should cut his losses, and get off on the right foot from now on. So far I've filled 19 bankers boxes with random misc papers scattered and stacked about the office from the past years. I expect there's about 5 more to go before its all up and out of the way. I also spent a day relieving the owner's desk of its heavy stacks of docs. The dusty, buggy papers on the bottom dated as far back as 1999. I feel a strange combination of pity, perverse excitement, and superiority. A surprising reaction that I dislike but find interesting. I see myself mirrored by him. I could imagine myself being in his place had I started a business right off the bat without having the benefit of working in an office before. I really empathize with what its like to be overwhelmed and burried.
DREAMS LAST NIGHT:
My car got broken into twice, smashed, all the goodies stolen, once happened within 5 minutes of parking. I think it was at a school (highschool) parking lot? No one paid attention/security guards no where in sight/didn't care.
At a hospital type location, walking while wheeling around a IV bag of blood (my blood that was being siphoned out) I was due to have the bag changed (blood was overflowing and tripping in a trail behind me. But I couldn't locate a nurse to help me. While looking for one, I passed an old man who had just passed out and was also bleeding, I ran and found a nurse to help him, and figured i'd point out my situation after he was taken care of.
My car got broken into twice, smashed, all the goodies stolen, once happened within 5 minutes of parking. I think it was at a school (highschool) parking lot? No one paid attention/security guards no where in sight/didn't care.
At a hospital type location, walking while wheeling around a IV bag of blood (my blood that was being siphoned out) I was due to have the bag changed (blood was overflowing and tripping in a trail behind me. But I couldn't locate a nurse to help me. While looking for one, I passed an old man who had just passed out and was also bleeding, I ran and found a nurse to help him, and figured i'd point out my situation after he was taken care of.
I have a date I have a date I have a date with a nifty sounding fella Friday night that i've never met before. I told him I'm fat and he still wants to go out! Shocking! I hate it when that doesn't sufficiently scare men off, but excited just the same. Now what am I gonna do. :: gulp ::
Group therapy was interesting tonight. I didn't cry once. I'm feeling more like myself of years ago. I had the energy to participate and even ask questions and care. Its annoying when group members sleep. Maybe I should have ASSERTED MYSelf and said so. But it feels so contrived when the facilitator fishes for a response from the others. Makes me wanna rebel and go the other direction instead. Anyway, besides that what did we talk about? One woman's self-injuring (cutting), a suicide, perfectionism, aligning with the masculine in our families of origin and denying the feminine - labeling it as weak and stupid... (ie: crying and emotion) Also the question was posed, "Who would I be without my eating disorder?" (In my case, without being fat.) hmmmmmmmmm Oh yes, also we discussed the role of INTUITION and soul, living who we TRULY are and meant to be, as opposed to over identifying with simply THOUGHT or EMOTION or the physical BODY. It has been hypothesized that illness results when there is disharmony between our lives and our soul's desires..... We are afflicted with a deep intuitive dissonance that manifests through physical and mental disorders.
Group therapy was interesting tonight. I didn't cry once. I'm feeling more like myself of years ago. I had the energy to participate and even ask questions and care. Its annoying when group members sleep. Maybe I should have ASSERTED MYSelf and said so. But it feels so contrived when the facilitator fishes for a response from the others. Makes me wanna rebel and go the other direction instead. Anyway, besides that what did we talk about? One woman's self-injuring (cutting), a suicide, perfectionism, aligning with the masculine in our families of origin and denying the feminine - labeling it as weak and stupid... (ie: crying and emotion) Also the question was posed, "Who would I be without my eating disorder?" (In my case, without being fat.) hmmmmmmmmm Oh yes, also we discussed the role of INTUITION and soul, living who we TRULY are and meant to be, as opposed to over identifying with simply THOUGHT or EMOTION or the physical BODY. It has been hypothesized that illness results when there is disharmony between our lives and our soul's desires..... We are afflicted with a deep intuitive dissonance that manifests through physical and mental disorders.
Apr 5, 2004
ASSERTIVENESS ALERT: 2 Recent Victories.......
1. I STRONGLY expressed my displeasure and discomfort to my landlord when he barged into my apartment without my letting him in last Saturday morning. He apologized and we continued chatting for I'd say a good 20 minutes or so. I was still in my sleeping clothes and couldn't see him because I hadn't put my contacts in yet. It was embarrassing and awkward but it also made me MAD and I think I let him know!!! I noticed it looked like he'd come in last week too because the rice cooker under my sink had been moved to the kitchen floor and wheely plastic bin thingy was near my bed. What the hell! He didn't leave a note or give me a heads up or anything. (They were repairing the pipes next door and needed access apparently.) Anyway, I said I didn't like it finally, and he heard. He is one of the nicest men I know, so its would be hard to get TOO mad, and in way, he kindness was what presented an excellent, safe opportunity to try-on this new hat, "Saying What I Feel."
2. Greg called me and asked if I was coming to his Birthday Party last Thursday. I told him I was surprised he was inviting me since the last couple times I saw him didn't go well. Despite his supposed CONFUSION I elaborated and in no-uncertain terms told him I hadn't enjoyed being around him much lately, felt mistreated, put-down and generally disrespected. He tried dilligently to argue the point, tell me how I was wrong, and basically said I was making it all up. When you think about it, that's kinda funny! (....."You're WRONG!! YOU DON'T FEEL PUT-DOWN AND DISRESPECTED!! BITCH! ) HA ha ha... Writing this reminds me that I'm not crazy. In fact I think I was really quite awesome. I countered him with a vengeance but did well by not getting sucked into his bazarro anti-logic or taunts into saracasm or pettiness. (I swear, I really can be non-sarcastic in real, non-blog life.) I stayed clean!!!! I don't mind seeing him again, but its remarkable to hold a clear sense of what's acceptable, what's not, and that I can simply chose to extract myself from a conversation or situation that's not. At ANY POINT COMPELLED. HA! ..... ha.HA!....... YEAH!.....That feels soooo greeeeeeeEEAATT!!! YES! Mainly, regardless of the outcome, I SAID, (outloud), simply, "It doesn't feel good to be treated that way. I don't like it!"
More clearly put, (as I cut him off during a rant and difinitively stated),
"You can take it leave it. (I don't give a shit) because it doesn't change MY truth. I'm expressing to you how I feel! PERIOD"
:::gloating smirk::: Yesssssss.
That's TWO for Recovery
(and 1,242,998,231.02 for the melancholic abyss)
But H E Y, WE'RE MOVING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!!!!!! H A !!!!!
2. Greg called me and asked if I was coming to his Birthday Party last Thursday. I told him I was surprised he was inviting me since the last couple times I saw him didn't go well. Despite his supposed CONFUSION I elaborated and in no-uncertain terms told him I hadn't enjoyed being around him much lately, felt mistreated, put-down and generally disrespected. He tried dilligently to argue the point, tell me how I was wrong, and basically said I was making it all up. When you think about it, that's kinda funny! (....."You're WRONG!! YOU DON'T FEEL PUT-DOWN AND DISRESPECTED!! BITCH! ) HA ha ha... Writing this reminds me that I'm not crazy. In fact I think I was really quite awesome. I countered him with a vengeance but did well by not getting sucked into his bazarro anti-logic or taunts into saracasm or pettiness. (I swear, I really can be non-sarcastic in real, non-blog life.) I stayed clean!!!! I don't mind seeing him again, but its remarkable to hold a clear sense of what's acceptable, what's not, and that I can simply chose to extract myself from a conversation or situation that's not. At ANY POINT COMPELLED. HA! ..... ha.HA!....... YEAH!.....That feels soooo greeeeeeeEEAATT!!! YES! Mainly, regardless of the outcome, I SAID, (outloud), simply, "It doesn't feel good to be treated that way. I don't like it!"
More clearly put, (as I cut him off during a rant and difinitively stated),
"You can take it leave it. (I don't give a shit) because it doesn't change MY truth. I'm expressing to you how I feel! PERIOD"
:::gloating smirk::: Yesssssss.
That's TWO for Recovery
(and 1,242,998,231.02 for the melancholic abyss)
But H E Y, WE'RE MOVING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!!!!!! H A !!!!!
Apr 4, 2004
Wow. Do I contradict myself or what. I'm at school right now. Just got done teaching. Why am I such an idiot? I LOVE TEACHING. I always think I hate it (I've noticed) while on breaks, and then I show back up, slap myself on the forehead, and vehementally exclaim, "WHAT WAS I THINKING!!! THIS IS SO GREAT!" I love my students. I love our unbelievable rapport. I love the jokes. Supporting them. Having fun. Being creative and goofy and trying my best to inspire through patience and positive feedback.
Apr 1, 2004
Good. No one's visiting me. Still free to be an idiot without fear of being recongnized. (Of course anyone who knows me would NEVER believe I was an idiot.) My feet are all dry and peeling and have this super thick sick, I mean thick skin on the side by my big toe. What causes that? Gross. Why didn't it ever happen before? Is it because I'm getting so old and starting to deteriorate? Maybe its because I haven't drank any water for like, months. I hear that's super bad for you for lots of reasons, but, its so hard to remember. What a chore. Then you have to pee constantly which really can be inconvenient. In fact, the whole self maintenance thing seems way too consuming. I cut off my fake nails with a regular scissors Saturday after getting fed up when trying to type at the office. Now they are jagged stubs that could easily be considered claw-like weapons. In the middle of the night, I picked at my pointer finger nail thinking I could just pry off the leftovers but it didn't work out so well and I inadvertently ripped off not only the fake stuff, buy my real nail too half way up the nail bed. Smart.
I think I still have that nasty ear fungus too. It's been over 6 months since my ear hasn't oozed that slimy liquid stuff. Yeah, I really am as sexy as I sound.
Tomorrow I have to teach again for a couple days. I'm not looking forward to it. At all. It fucking stresses me out. And half the time the "kids" are such little shits. But I smile and laugh and divert attention from the misbehaviors and try to move the class along. Inside I burn. 2 more days though and I'm done. Done for good. Done Done Done. Fuck that. There's got to be a better way. Not that there weren't the good moments. But so few and far between. I hated having to beg and tapdance and turn cartwheels to keep them focused. WHEN I WAS A KID, I never needed so much prodding just for the basics; wanting to learn, to do good, improve myself. Its just depressing sometimes. But then again, I guess its not hard to depress the depressed.
I have still been doing remarkably good lately though. My moods stellar. Although I slept all day again today. I woke up accidently 10 minute before work at 7pm. Who would have guessed i would slept that late! GEEZ. My sleep patterns are bizarre. I stayed at the office until 2am Friday night (willingly.) And then came back the next morning [AFTER BEING WOKEN UP BY MY LANDLORD BARGING INTO MY APARTMENT WHILE I WAS SHOWERING IN THE BATHROOM!!!!] to keep working until 9pm (voluntarily again) I think I like being there. It feels good to be near a family. I like who everyone keeps stopping be and saying HI or just shoot the shit. I like how they invite me to have dinners with them, or how the little kids stop by and give me flowers. It must be nice to have a family. People to live with. People to love. People who know if you're alive. I miss that. I'd like that.
I watched the Director Commentary for "The Score," a movie with Robert Deniro/Marlon Brandon/Eward Norton/Angla Basset, several times lately. I liked it. Good tips on camera moves and lighting. I wonder if I'll really pursue filmmaking some day. What would that be like. Would I like it? I'll keep sitting on it for a while until something more percolates or perhaps I die. Whichever occurs first. Meanwhile, I'll watch the DVD's. My Film School.
Did I mention, "One Week"? I enjoyed that too. A way low-budget first time director/writer's creation. It gave me inspiration and hope to create too. The commentary was especially geared towards little people. Very kewl. I hope they keep on keepin' on... Sound like good guys.
I think I still have that nasty ear fungus too. It's been over 6 months since my ear hasn't oozed that slimy liquid stuff. Yeah, I really am as sexy as I sound.
Tomorrow I have to teach again for a couple days. I'm not looking forward to it. At all. It fucking stresses me out. And half the time the "kids" are such little shits. But I smile and laugh and divert attention from the misbehaviors and try to move the class along. Inside I burn. 2 more days though and I'm done. Done for good. Done Done Done. Fuck that. There's got to be a better way. Not that there weren't the good moments. But so few and far between. I hated having to beg and tapdance and turn cartwheels to keep them focused. WHEN I WAS A KID, I never needed so much prodding just for the basics; wanting to learn, to do good, improve myself. Its just depressing sometimes. But then again, I guess its not hard to depress the depressed.
I have still been doing remarkably good lately though. My moods stellar. Although I slept all day again today. I woke up accidently 10 minute before work at 7pm. Who would have guessed i would slept that late! GEEZ. My sleep patterns are bizarre. I stayed at the office until 2am Friday night (willingly.) And then came back the next morning [AFTER BEING WOKEN UP BY MY LANDLORD BARGING INTO MY APARTMENT WHILE I WAS SHOWERING IN THE BATHROOM!!!!] to keep working until 9pm (voluntarily again) I think I like being there. It feels good to be near a family. I like who everyone keeps stopping be and saying HI or just shoot the shit. I like how they invite me to have dinners with them, or how the little kids stop by and give me flowers. It must be nice to have a family. People to live with. People to love. People who know if you're alive. I miss that. I'd like that.
I watched the Director Commentary for "The Score," a movie with Robert Deniro/Marlon Brandon/Eward Norton/Angla Basset, several times lately. I liked it. Good tips on camera moves and lighting. I wonder if I'll really pursue filmmaking some day. What would that be like. Would I like it? I'll keep sitting on it for a while until something more percolates or perhaps I die. Whichever occurs first. Meanwhile, I'll watch the DVD's. My Film School.
Did I mention, "One Week"? I enjoyed that too. A way low-budget first time director/writer's creation. It gave me inspiration and hope to create too. The commentary was especially geared towards little people. Very kewl. I hope they keep on keepin' on... Sound like good guys.
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