And too much to say to write (i guess?)
I open up blogger every day with good intentions but.....
nothing is coming yet.
But, we're back... It rocked... So fun. So interesting.
And seakitty, that list of jobs was so incredibly kind of you
Thank you
soooo
soooo
much...
And some good picks too!
Thank you
thank you
Jul 21, 2005
Jul 5, 2005
Tick Tick Tick
2:40 am and The Cutie is snoozing away to my right. Getting in a power nap before we embark upon our voyage. I tried to join up, but like a kid on xmas eve, i found myself too excited to sleep!
I can't believe we're doing this!
What an ADVENTURE! What will it be like? Driving in a little car together for a minimum of 6 days! Today he bought an adapter so we can plug in the laptop. We'll be able to watch movies, or write... I'll surely be trolling for wireless internet signals. Maybe we'll jam out to music. Maybe we'll talk. Maybe we'll soak up the togetherness in contemplative silence. Maybe we'll be bitchy and tired. I'll doodle in colored pencil on my long neglected sketchpad. He'll play his dusty "Lord of the Rings." Maybe we'll make nasty love in a dive roadside hotel. Maybe in the car? We'll eat the food of a half dozen states. We'll get lost. Found. Don't know. Don't care. Our only plan is to play it all by ear! I can't wait!
I can't wait.
I can't believe we're doing this!
What an ADVENTURE! What will it be like? Driving in a little car together for a minimum of 6 days! Today he bought an adapter so we can plug in the laptop. We'll be able to watch movies, or write... I'll surely be trolling for wireless internet signals. Maybe we'll jam out to music. Maybe we'll talk. Maybe we'll soak up the togetherness in contemplative silence. Maybe we'll be bitchy and tired. I'll doodle in colored pencil on my long neglected sketchpad. He'll play his dusty "Lord of the Rings." Maybe we'll make nasty love in a dive roadside hotel. Maybe in the car? We'll eat the food of a half dozen states. We'll get lost. Found. Don't know. Don't care. Our only plan is to play it all by ear! I can't wait!
I can't wait.
Jul 4, 2005
Road Trip!!!!
We're leaving in a few hours -at 3am to be exact! I'm buzzing with excitement! Oh boy!
And so soon after returning from our Florida voyage.
Driving across the country for a surprise appearance at my Dad's 60th birthday. The first birthday celebration for him in my lifetime, as a matter of fact. We can't wait to see their faces when we casually pop up, "Hi there parents -so where's the diet coke?!" They are going to
F R E A K
O U T.
Joy!
Especially after learning we drove for 3 days to be there. I hope it makes them feel loved. Appreciated. Happy. I hope it brings my Dad a little relief from the constant anxiety and fear of having learned he is terminally ill and the discomfort of his chemotherapy.
Plus, I'm deleriously grateful for the activity. It couldn't have come at a better time for me personally as i recognized those old, frightening signs of slipping into the suffocation of sadness to be creeping in. Having things to look forward can't be underestimated. Even better: purpose. (I'm still working on that part.) Having The Cutie to love is a tremendous gift in this way. He brings so much richness to my life.
....Just ran downstairs to grab the laundry and found an unidentified pair of pink women's underwear amongst our things. Um. Can i just take this moment to say, Ewwwwww?!
....Where was i?
My eyes are blurry, my contact is awkwardly grainy and feels like it may just pop out of my eyeball at any moment. My jaw is aching menacingly like there may be an infection blooming God, I need health insurance. Normally, I overlook it. I rarely get sick. Not even a cold in years and years. Not to say that i'm not a hypochondriac - because as soon as something creaks or groans or I feel a funny bump somewhere -the ailments and fear rush through me like a wildfire and i re-note the need to get off my booty and find a job. I'm still indignant that this state isn't like Hawaii where it is a law that ALL employers MUST provide health insurance for ALL employees working over 20 hours a week. Why not?! How can that not be the case here? Not having health insurance is outrageous. In Hawaii, my insurance even paid for the year of intensive out-patient Eating Disorder counseling that I went through- a despartely needed, life altering gift.
....The Cutie is posting on his computer behind me. I wonder what he's writing about? I always (always) used to become excited when hearing the clicking sounds of composition - hoping for something lovely and sweet - our relationship reflected in his poetic artful prose. Then after awhile, I'd hear that he was writing and instead of giddy delight, a chill would go my spine. I dreaded reading his metaphoric messages of misery, rage, hopelessness and indignation. They must be about me! It must be my fault! Afterall, who else did he interact with? And he hadn't mentioned anything else in our daily life to the contrary. I interpreted them to mean I must not be what he wanted. I didn't do enough. I couldn't be the person he had wanted me to be. And after the shock of disovering the dichotomous messages (happy on the outside, desparate on the inside,) I didn't know what to do. Can I talk to him about it? Was it a message to me? Am i supposed to butt out of his private thoughts and not overreact? Can i separate my personal sensitivies and unbias myself enough to fully be there for him without judgment or laying an additional trip on him? Most importantly, I don't want to prevent him from a much needed creative outlet. From his art.
I don't even know why i'm writing this right now. I don't want him to read this. This is why I've contemplated starting another separate blog actually. To explore these sorts of things in the freedom of anonymity.
Dang. This eyeball is distracting. I have to blink to flatten it so i can read.
He's folding (re-folding) laundry now. I want to check his site to see what he posted. But i don't want him to see me check it. I don't know why. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I don't want him to see my reaction. Maybe i'm afraid his post will upset me or make me angry or hurt and i don't want him to see that and make him angry/irritated/offended by that. Lord. That sounds crazy doesn't it. Have you ever lived in the same room with another person for 24 hours a day? It's interesting. Challenging. Somtimes confusing and hard. Often wonderful. Often comforting and warm. But overall, a huge learning experience.
Boy that sounded awfully cliched didn't it? Maybe i'll try to be more specific someday. But thus far, i've avoided those details for fear of....
He joked the other day we were like some sort of reality show experiment... Totally.. What was that show were they put like a dozen people in a house and installed cameras everywhere? I forget. Big Brother? That's like us only minus the cameras and extraneous people.
Did you know we're 1 month short of having known and lived together for a year?
An
e n t i r e
year.
Wow.
Wow.
And so soon after returning from our Florida voyage.
Driving across the country for a surprise appearance at my Dad's 60th birthday. The first birthday celebration for him in my lifetime, as a matter of fact. We can't wait to see their faces when we casually pop up, "Hi there parents -so where's the diet coke?!" They are going to
F R E A K
O U T.
Joy!
Especially after learning we drove for 3 days to be there. I hope it makes them feel loved. Appreciated. Happy. I hope it brings my Dad a little relief from the constant anxiety and fear of having learned he is terminally ill and the discomfort of his chemotherapy.
Plus, I'm deleriously grateful for the activity. It couldn't have come at a better time for me personally as i recognized those old, frightening signs of slipping into the suffocation of sadness to be creeping in. Having things to look forward can't be underestimated. Even better: purpose. (I'm still working on that part.) Having The Cutie to love is a tremendous gift in this way. He brings so much richness to my life.
....Just ran downstairs to grab the laundry and found an unidentified pair of pink women's underwear amongst our things. Um. Can i just take this moment to say, Ewwwwww?!
....Where was i?
My eyes are blurry, my contact is awkwardly grainy and feels like it may just pop out of my eyeball at any moment. My jaw is aching menacingly like there may be an infection blooming God, I need health insurance. Normally, I overlook it. I rarely get sick. Not even a cold in years and years. Not to say that i'm not a hypochondriac - because as soon as something creaks or groans or I feel a funny bump somewhere -the ailments and fear rush through me like a wildfire and i re-note the need to get off my booty and find a job. I'm still indignant that this state isn't like Hawaii where it is a law that ALL employers MUST provide health insurance for ALL employees working over 20 hours a week. Why not?! How can that not be the case here? Not having health insurance is outrageous. In Hawaii, my insurance even paid for the year of intensive out-patient Eating Disorder counseling that I went through- a despartely needed, life altering gift.
....The Cutie is posting on his computer behind me. I wonder what he's writing about? I always (always) used to become excited when hearing the clicking sounds of composition - hoping for something lovely and sweet - our relationship reflected in his poetic artful prose. Then after awhile, I'd hear that he was writing and instead of giddy delight, a chill would go my spine. I dreaded reading his metaphoric messages of misery, rage, hopelessness and indignation. They must be about me! It must be my fault! Afterall, who else did he interact with? And he hadn't mentioned anything else in our daily life to the contrary. I interpreted them to mean I must not be what he wanted. I didn't do enough. I couldn't be the person he had wanted me to be. And after the shock of disovering the dichotomous messages (happy on the outside, desparate on the inside,) I didn't know what to do. Can I talk to him about it? Was it a message to me? Am i supposed to butt out of his private thoughts and not overreact? Can i separate my personal sensitivies and unbias myself enough to fully be there for him without judgment or laying an additional trip on him? Most importantly, I don't want to prevent him from a much needed creative outlet. From his art.
I don't even know why i'm writing this right now. I don't want him to read this. This is why I've contemplated starting another separate blog actually. To explore these sorts of things in the freedom of anonymity.
Dang. This eyeball is distracting. I have to blink to flatten it so i can read.
He's folding (re-folding) laundry now. I want to check his site to see what he posted. But i don't want him to see me check it. I don't know why. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I don't want him to see my reaction. Maybe i'm afraid his post will upset me or make me angry or hurt and i don't want him to see that and make him angry/irritated/offended by that. Lord. That sounds crazy doesn't it. Have you ever lived in the same room with another person for 24 hours a day? It's interesting. Challenging. Somtimes confusing and hard. Often wonderful. Often comforting and warm. But overall, a huge learning experience.
Boy that sounded awfully cliched didn't it? Maybe i'll try to be more specific someday. But thus far, i've avoided those details for fear of....
?
He joked the other day we were like some sort of reality show experiment... Totally.. What was that show were they put like a dozen people in a house and installed cameras everywhere? I forget. Big Brother? That's like us only minus the cameras and extraneous people.
Did you know we're 1 month short of having known and lived together for a year?
An
e n t i r e
year.
Wow.
Wow.
Jul 2, 2005
Jun 20, 2005
Signing off for a bit
I know i've been quiet lately anyway - but - won't be posting for while. We're leaving for Florida tomorrow for a week! Yay! A change of scenery.. Thank goodness. I can't wait.
Jun 15, 2005
Strategizing
I wonder what the best way to find a job is? My horizon is a bit shallow. So far, i can't see much beyond Craigslist. Um. Is that bad? Doesn't seem to be working.
Jun 13, 2005
Stoking
I hate going to bed. Every night (morning) its getting pushed back farther and farther. 12-1-2-3.... 6:30 (am) yesterday. It's hard to get your day going when you wake up at 4pm.
Nonetheless, again today wasn't bad. Mostly because of two things: two emails that i received, (I STILL HAVE FRIENDS!!!!!???yayyy!exciting!) and a phonecall to my parents. (THEY WERE NICE) Like I said - i'm easily delighted right now. And also, as easily discouraged. It's just so nice to hear the "voice" of people you care about. It cleared a little spot in my foggy window and lended me a bit of vision. It fanned a faint ember of hope. Generated some warmth. Some glow. Like when Leanie said she thought i'd make
She also sent me a recent photo of herself in costume from a performance. (We used to dance together in college and then lived in Hawaii together for a couple of months.) It was neat to see her. It's intesting to see how the 6 (7?) years of life have aged her since i've seen her last - but she's still looks beautiful. Graceful. But perhaps wiser? Calm? I'm so excited that she's still dancing. That in itself is inspiring. I always did admire her for her discipline. Her ability to plug away and try new things and get on it. Whereas for me? Time passes around me. I bought a clock at a garage sale one time because it had a metallic piece that hung down and swung like a grandfather clock or metronome. I bought it to remind myself that although i was still, things continue to move around me. That i can't get lost in myself when there's much to be done. Seen. Experienced. I've had a problem with momentum for as long as i can remember. (I think i was in my teens when i found that clock?)
When i left the studio the evening and walked to the store, i discovered it's hot now. Muggy. Maybe 90 degrees. Seems normal. Like a typical summer Hawaiian day. Then i remembered I'm in New York and how weird it is that last week (it seems) i was walking bundled up in a new Costco jacket and kicking delciously majestic snow. Seasons! They happen so quickly! It's a TRIP! I wonder how living year after year in the same season added to an allready lethargic relationship to the passage of time.
There are naked people on tv.
The Cutie is in bed waiting for me a couple feet away. (Everything in this studio is a couple feet away. ) I guess we're going to bed early tonight. It's only 4:17am..
Better go...
Take care,
Indigo
Nonetheless, again today wasn't bad. Mostly because of two things: two emails that i received, (I STILL HAVE FRIENDS!!!!!???yayyy!exciting!) and a phonecall to my parents. (THEY WERE NICE) Like I said - i'm easily delighted right now. And also, as easily discouraged. It's just so nice to hear the "voice" of people you care about. It cleared a little spot in my foggy window and lended me a bit of vision. It fanned a faint ember of hope. Generated some warmth. Some glow. Like when Leanie said she thought i'd make
a great massage therapist. You have the heart and the sense of presence for it.
I soared. I inquired if she liked her profession. Her response was interesting.
I love it, but I am starting to get burnt out. At the end of the day, I wonder, “What about me? Where’s my massage?!!!”
She also sent me a recent photo of herself in costume from a performance. (We used to dance together in college and then lived in Hawaii together for a couple of months.) It was neat to see her. It's intesting to see how the 6 (7?) years of life have aged her since i've seen her last - but she's still looks beautiful. Graceful. But perhaps wiser? Calm? I'm so excited that she's still dancing. That in itself is inspiring. I always did admire her for her discipline. Her ability to plug away and try new things and get on it. Whereas for me? Time passes around me. I bought a clock at a garage sale one time because it had a metallic piece that hung down and swung like a grandfather clock or metronome. I bought it to remind myself that although i was still, things continue to move around me. That i can't get lost in myself when there's much to be done. Seen. Experienced. I've had a problem with momentum for as long as i can remember. (I think i was in my teens when i found that clock?)
When i left the studio the evening and walked to the store, i discovered it's hot now. Muggy. Maybe 90 degrees. Seems normal. Like a typical summer Hawaiian day. Then i remembered I'm in New York and how weird it is that last week (it seems) i was walking bundled up in a new Costco jacket and kicking delciously majestic snow. Seasons! They happen so quickly! It's a TRIP! I wonder how living year after year in the same season added to an allready lethargic relationship to the passage of time.
There are naked people on tv.
The Cutie is in bed waiting for me a couple feet away. (Everything in this studio is a couple feet away. ) I guess we're going to bed early tonight. It's only 4:17am..
Better go...
Take care,
Indigo
Jun 12, 2005
Blobbity Blobbity. The Cutie and I will visit his relatives in Florida for a week, in a week. Something to look forward to. I need that. It doesn't take much right now to make me happy. That's the nice thing about inactivity. The most simplest variations become a tremendous delight.
What are you up to? I'd like to know. It'll make my day if you tell me! =)
What are you up to? I'd like to know. It'll make my day if you tell me! =)
Jun 10, 2005
To Be Honest
I don't wanna be a secretary. I don't wanna sit at a friggin desk and answer phones. I don't want run some shmuck's overrated errands and fax their fucking papers. I don't wanna be forcibly gracious and appropriately professional and sweet. If i have to sit in a glassy 9 to 5 haze of plastic smiles and synthetic pleasantries - kowtowing to haughty self-important asses who no more see me than their own gauchely presumption, i'll.... I don't know. Shrivel up?
It's a cruel corporate world. Selfish and bleak. Hardboiled and stern. Unsympathetic. Dead.
And though i am applying for these jobs everyday, to be honest, i don't want any part of it.
It's a cruel corporate world. Selfish and bleak. Hardboiled and stern. Unsympathetic. Dead.
And though i am applying for these jobs everyday, to be honest, i don't want any part of it.
Jun 9, 2005
Less Than Wonderful but
hanging in there.
Perusing Craigslist primarly and emailing my resume about town: fishing for some sort of bite. Supposedly a local temp agency that I signed up with has had something on the table for me but can't seal the deal yet due to an inability to get ahold of the client. This seems strange. Is it a solid deal, or isn't it? The client (my potential new BOSS) needs an "Excecutive Assistant" who is "presentable and well-spoken." Although it endlessly flattering to be considered an appropriate fit, i must admit, i do feel i must have somehow snowed the temp agency for them to believe that would be me. They couldn't see through the clumsy act? Lately, i've felt particularly worthless. Actually I haven't been this (depressed) for a long time. I cry at the drop of the hat throughout the day: doing dishes, watching tv, joking with the Cutie. Despite that, The Cutie manages to keep me laughing at his silly antics. A pretty impressive feat considering his own malaise. I guess we have to just keep each other going. Things will turn around. Like Omega advises, one step at a time. =)
(Perhaps i'll employ him as my new Guru.)
Perusing Craigslist primarly and emailing my resume about town: fishing for some sort of bite. Supposedly a local temp agency that I signed up with has had something on the table for me but can't seal the deal yet due to an inability to get ahold of the client. This seems strange. Is it a solid deal, or isn't it? The client (my potential new BOSS) needs an "Excecutive Assistant" who is "presentable and well-spoken." Although it endlessly flattering to be considered an appropriate fit, i must admit, i do feel i must have somehow snowed the temp agency for them to believe that would be me. They couldn't see through the clumsy act? Lately, i've felt particularly worthless. Actually I haven't been this (depressed) for a long time. I cry at the drop of the hat throughout the day: doing dishes, watching tv, joking with the Cutie. Despite that, The Cutie manages to keep me laughing at his silly antics. A pretty impressive feat considering his own malaise. I guess we have to just keep each other going. Things will turn around. Like Omega advises, one step at a time. =)
(Perhaps i'll employ him as my new Guru.)
Jun 6, 2005
Jun 4, 2005
Goodbye
My Auntie E passed a few days ago. I'd say more, but I'm far too sad to talk about it.
"Auntie E" and her Creator, the Divine Spirit, ended her fight to "live forever" on Sunday, 5/29/05. At age 95, she proclaimed "a good healthy life." She told those she loved that gratitude was the secret! Born in1909 to ____, she told everyone she "had a wonderful Momma and Daddy." She married _____ at an early age. They both worked for the Seattle P.I. at one time. They had one son, _____, who married ____ and blessed their lives with twin grandsons: ____as well as two step-grandchildren -- ______. During their 48 years together, her husband's work took them to live in several places. They later returned to Seattle where they were strongly involved in the Democratic political community in the late 1960's. 'Auntie E" was preceded in death by her husband, son, mother and father, as well as her brother -- ____(My Grandpa)___ and sister -- ______. Auntie E collected people! She loved her home and garden. She summarized life best by saying: "No one told me I wouldn't live forever." Surviving loved ones include ______. She would want to thank her family, friends and caregivers who were there every minute. No words express the care provided by ____ -- THANK YOU! ! A memorial service and luncheon for family will be held in "Aunti E's" home ____.
Published in print on 5/31/2005.
Jun 3, 2005
RP, Hannah, Sunshine, JM, Omega, Bliss, Elizabeth, Tatatee, Critic & D
RP's post was really special.
I've been thinking about this for some time now. It reminds me to express my sincere and heartfelt thanks to you guys. I do truly consider you all to my friends.
You mean alot to me!
I've been thinking about this for some time now. It reminds me to express my sincere and heartfelt thanks to you guys. I do truly consider you all to my friends.
You mean alot to me!
For Sunshine
OK.
I'll try to write. And when you find yourself becoming bored to tears, i get to blame her. So go to her website and tell her to stop encouraging me. (Is it okay to link your new blog address here?) Otherwise my uncontrolled blathering about nothing here may worsen.
I'm bummed out and i don't know why.
I am bummed out and have no reason to be.
I am bummed out and feel stupid for feeling that way.
I am bummed that i am bummed and therefore wonder if perhaps i am not authentically bummed all: that i'm pretending i'm bummed out and therefore making myself vicariously bummed.
Maybe i'm just crazy.
Or going crazy at least.
i feel that way sometimes.
Up. Down. Crazy. Happy. Depressed. Happy. Angry. Happy. Sad.
What the hell?!
What's wrong with me?
Yesterday i got all freaky because i PERCEIVED that i was being rapid fire criticized about food purchases. I know that we have this fun-loving goofy way of relating but in the process have i reverted completely into my inner 5 year old? I mean REALLY! The WHOLE 5 year old - not just the the teehee-cute part: temper tantrums and outbursts and whatnot. I was so embarrassed! And in front of his friend no less? Where is my characteristic calm cool and collect veneer? Where is my even-tempered stoichism? I was senstive and prickly the rest of the night. (Though i think i successfully hid it.) The three of us gamed until 1:30 in the morning without hitch: ordering chinese food and bullshitting in between.
Most of my day is spent gaming now. It's entertaining. He enjoys it. We have fun. Its something we can share given current physical barriers from doing most other things. His best friend and he discuss and plot on a daily basis. Its a social thang. It gives us all something to do together and i like that. BUT.
BUT.
Sometimes i feel guilt. I get sucked up into it like i used to get sucked up into television and food. It can easily have an addictive quality where i can loose myself and block out my thoughts and responsibilites. It aids my procrastinations. It placates my fears. And not that that's all bad. It really does come in handy but i feel anxiety when i neglect what i OUGHT to be doing: securing employment, communicating with friends (if i still have any?), cleaning dishes and laundry and other domestic duties, working out using my recent gym membership. Etc.
I don't like leaving the comfort of the studio.
I don't like leaving him.
I don't like doing anything at all sometimes.
Until i do it and then i love it.
But getting there is a B I T C H. It's so hard to get going. Its so hard to generate momentum and then not peter out.
Speaking of petering out. Ask me if i've danced EVEN ONE TIME since my return from the momentus month long dance pilgrimage. WAHAHA. (Do you even need to ask?)
AS IF.
Right.
Course not.
I suck. Cleary i suck. And do i think that typing it all down here absolves me from my shame? Pa-lease. Now not only am i an ineffectual infant, but i feel shitty on top of it for being so damm self-absorbed and REPETITIVE.
I mean come-on: like i don't write this exact same spiel every 4th day.
When is it going to stop?
When am i going to get off my erratic screwball merry-go-round?
When will i stop appealing to you to assuage my insecurites and fear? When will i suck it up and get on with things? When will i grow a self esteem? When will i accept myself for who i am? When will i be able to self-soothe myself? When will i not be terrifed by emotions? When will i feel i deserve and therefore allow happiness? When will i stop thinking the world revolves around my insignifcant self? When will i look behind myself at the larger picture?
I want to get centered.
Grounded.
I want to get back to how i know i can be. I've been there before. Allbeit for for brief time periods: i've tasted it.
And on that note. I miss having friends. I miss doing things. I miss feeling good about myself.
I haven't written or spoken to anyone (of my handful of friends) in 10 months.
Did you know i've been living with the Cutie now for 10 months? Yes, offically nearly a year.
Can you believe that? Is that possible? Can you believe that?
And what have i done with it?
That's nearly an entire year without a job.
Wow.
Wow wow wow.
I'm trying hard to not say i suck.. but.....................................................................
but.........................................................................
but....
10 months without a job???
I can rationalize it in various ways: i had unemployment checks coming so i DID have an income, it was a "getting acquainted" time with The Cutie, i hadn't had a day off for years and had been working 80+ hour work weeks for as long as i can remember.... BUT........
Hmmmm... I bet those 80 hour work week took the place of what gaming now does for me. Maybe i just hadn't noticed it since it's more "ACCEPTABLE."
Obviously i still need help.
I've been thinking i really do need to get my ass back to therapy lately. (When i have the money.HA. Or ideally the insurance.)
My disordered eating has been flaring up quite alot the past couple weeks. I find that terrifying. But i'm trying not to overreact. Ha. I'm trying not to over OVER react.
I wish i had my boxes that are in Hawaii. Maybe if i could read the gigantic binder filled with
literature from the Eating Disorder program it would help. I'm trying to remember the tools. The tips. The affirmations. With my limited attention span i forget alot lately.
Alot.
I walk into the kitchen to wash the dishes and see something on the counter that reminds me of something in the bedroom and i walk into the bedroom to get it and i see The Cutie and ask him about something on his computer screen and we talk about that for a while and then i sit back down at the computer and continue with what i was doing on my computer. When i get back up to get a soda, i notice the dishes that i started doing a couple hours before.
oops.
whatever.
I better get back to... um...
What am i going to do today? Game probably.
I could call that dance studio about teaching there.. but...
but.....
but...
What if they say yes? Then i have to do it? What then? How am i going to do it? Do i know how?
I need to figure something out and start something soon. I gotta have somewhere to set up a November workshop for The Guru. If i don't, i will be F A I L U R E. I will have failed.
I just gotta get started.
Tomorrow?
I'll try to write. And when you find yourself becoming bored to tears, i get to blame her. So go to her website and tell her to stop encouraging me. (Is it okay to link your new blog address here?) Otherwise my uncontrolled blathering about nothing here may worsen.
I'm bummed out and i don't know why.
I am bummed out and have no reason to be.
I am bummed out and feel stupid for feeling that way.
I am bummed that i am bummed and therefore wonder if perhaps i am not authentically bummed all: that i'm pretending i'm bummed out and therefore making myself vicariously bummed.
Maybe i'm just crazy.
Or going crazy at least.
i feel that way sometimes.
Up. Down. Crazy. Happy. Depressed. Happy. Angry. Happy. Sad.
What the hell?!
What's wrong with me?
Yesterday i got all freaky because i PERCEIVED that i was being rapid fire criticized about food purchases. I know that we have this fun-loving goofy way of relating but in the process have i reverted completely into my inner 5 year old? I mean REALLY! The WHOLE 5 year old - not just the the teehee-cute part: temper tantrums and outbursts and whatnot. I was so embarrassed! And in front of his friend no less? Where is my characteristic calm cool and collect veneer? Where is my even-tempered stoichism? I was senstive and prickly the rest of the night. (Though i think i successfully hid it.) The three of us gamed until 1:30 in the morning without hitch: ordering chinese food and bullshitting in between.
Most of my day is spent gaming now. It's entertaining. He enjoys it. We have fun. Its something we can share given current physical barriers from doing most other things. His best friend and he discuss and plot on a daily basis. Its a social thang. It gives us all something to do together and i like that. BUT.
BUT.
Sometimes i feel guilt. I get sucked up into it like i used to get sucked up into television and food. It can easily have an addictive quality where i can loose myself and block out my thoughts and responsibilites. It aids my procrastinations. It placates my fears. And not that that's all bad. It really does come in handy but i feel anxiety when i neglect what i OUGHT to be doing: securing employment, communicating with friends (if i still have any?), cleaning dishes and laundry and other domestic duties, working out using my recent gym membership. Etc.
I don't like leaving the comfort of the studio.
I don't like leaving him.
I don't like doing anything at all sometimes.
Until i do it and then i love it.
But getting there is a B I T C H. It's so hard to get going. Its so hard to generate momentum and then not peter out.
Speaking of petering out. Ask me if i've danced EVEN ONE TIME since my return from the momentus month long dance pilgrimage. WAHAHA. (Do you even need to ask?)
AS IF.
Right.
Course not.
I suck. Cleary i suck. And do i think that typing it all down here absolves me from my shame? Pa-lease. Now not only am i an ineffectual infant, but i feel shitty on top of it for being so damm self-absorbed and REPETITIVE.
I mean come-on: like i don't write this exact same spiel every 4th day.
When is it going to stop?
When am i going to get off my erratic screwball merry-go-round?
When will i stop appealing to you to assuage my insecurites and fear? When will i suck it up and get on with things? When will i grow a self esteem? When will i accept myself for who i am? When will i be able to self-soothe myself? When will i not be terrifed by emotions? When will i feel i deserve and therefore allow happiness? When will i stop thinking the world revolves around my insignifcant self? When will i look behind myself at the larger picture?
I want to get centered.
Grounded.
I want to get back to how i know i can be. I've been there before. Allbeit for for brief time periods: i've tasted it.
And on that note. I miss having friends. I miss doing things. I miss feeling good about myself.
I haven't written or spoken to anyone (of my handful of friends) in 10 months.
Did you know i've been living with the Cutie now for 10 months? Yes, offically nearly a year.
Can you believe that? Is that possible? Can you believe that?
And what have i done with it?
That's nearly an entire year without a job.
Wow.
Wow wow wow.
I'm trying hard to not say i suck.. but.....................................................................
but.........................................................................
but....
10 months without a job???
I can rationalize it in various ways: i had unemployment checks coming so i DID have an income, it was a "getting acquainted" time with The Cutie, i hadn't had a day off for years and had been working 80+ hour work weeks for as long as i can remember.... BUT........
Hmmmm... I bet those 80 hour work week took the place of what gaming now does for me. Maybe i just hadn't noticed it since it's more "ACCEPTABLE."
Obviously i still need help.
I've been thinking i really do need to get my ass back to therapy lately. (When i have the money.HA. Or ideally the insurance.)
My disordered eating has been flaring up quite alot the past couple weeks. I find that terrifying. But i'm trying not to overreact. Ha. I'm trying not to over OVER react.
I wish i had my boxes that are in Hawaii. Maybe if i could read the gigantic binder filled with
literature from the Eating Disorder program it would help. I'm trying to remember the tools. The tips. The affirmations. With my limited attention span i forget alot lately.
Alot.
I walk into the kitchen to wash the dishes and see something on the counter that reminds me of something in the bedroom and i walk into the bedroom to get it and i see The Cutie and ask him about something on his computer screen and we talk about that for a while and then i sit back down at the computer and continue with what i was doing on my computer. When i get back up to get a soda, i notice the dishes that i started doing a couple hours before.
oops.
whatever.
I better get back to... um...
What am i going to do today? Game probably.
I could call that dance studio about teaching there.. but...
but.....
but...
What if they say yes? Then i have to do it? What then? How am i going to do it? Do i know how?
I need to figure something out and start something soon. I gotta have somewhere to set up a November workshop for The Guru. If i don't, i will be F A I L U R E. I will have failed.
I just gotta get started.
Tomorrow?
Jun 1, 2005
May 27, 2005
So....
I took the right subway!
Got off in the right place!
(The Infamous Grand Central)
And even found my Destination!
How cool am i?! All in all, the quasi-interview was a success. I scored high on the typing/Word tests and felt good in the sharp pin-striped suit aquired the night before after The Cutie so generously gifted me with a wad of cash so i could secure appropriately professional interview attire.
I am glad.
Relieved.
So much so i almost don't want to note my persistant unemploymed status and bothersome lack of paychecks.
One step at a time.
I guess.
I am glad.
Relieved.
So much so i almost don't want to note my persistant unemploymed status and bothersome lack of paychecks.
One step at a time.
I guess.
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