Stoking

I hate going to bed. Every night (morning) its getting pushed back farther and farther. 12-1-2-3.... 6:30 (am) yesterday. It's hard to get your day going when you wake up at 4pm.
Nonetheless, again today wasn't bad. Mostly because of two things: two emails that i received, (I STILL HAVE FRIENDS!!!!!???yayyy!exciting!) and a phonecall to my parents. (THEY WERE NICE) Like I said - i'm easily delighted right now. And also, as easily discouraged. It's just so nice to hear the "voice" of people you care about. It cleared a little spot in my foggy window and lended me a bit of vision. It fanned a faint ember of hope. Generated some warmth. Some glow. Like when Leanie said she thought i'd make

a great massage therapist. You have the heart and the sense of presence for it.

I soared. I inquired if she liked her profession. Her response was interesting.

I love it, but I am starting to get burnt out. At the end of the day, I wonder, “What about me? Where’s my massage?!!!”

Then she really awed me by suggesting that i be a life coach. What an incredible compliment. She she feels i'm be capable of such a thing?! How sweet. And I wish i was. Unfortunately, despite a strong desire to help motivate and encourage, i think at this point i'd be the the ultimate fraud considering i'm unable to get myself together. But..... wouldn't it be nice? I like the idea.... Some day....... ?

She also sent me a recent photo of herself in costume from a performance. (We used to dance together in college and then lived in Hawaii together for a couple of months.) It was neat to see her. It's intesting to see how the 6 (7?) years of life have aged her since i've seen her last - but she's still looks beautiful. Graceful. But perhaps wiser? Calm? I'm so excited that she's still dancing. That in itself is inspiring. I always did admire her for her discipline. Her ability to plug away and try new things and get on it. Whereas for me? Time passes around me. I bought a clock at a garage sale one time because it had a metallic piece that hung down and swung like a grandfather clock or metronome. I bought it to remind myself that although i was still, things continue to move around me. That i can't get lost in myself when there's much to be done. Seen. Experienced. I've had a problem with momentum for as long as i can remember. (I think i was in my teens when i found that clock?)

When i left the studio the evening and walked to the store, i discovered it's hot now. Muggy. Maybe 90 degrees. Seems normal. Like a typical summer Hawaiian day. Then i remembered I'm in New York and how weird it is that last week (it seems) i was walking bundled up in a new Costco jacket and kicking delciously majestic snow. Seasons! They happen so quickly! It's a TRIP! I wonder how living year after year in the same season added to an allready lethargic relationship to the passage of time.

There are naked people on tv.

The Cutie is in bed waiting for me a couple feet away. (Everything in this studio is a couple feet away. ) I guess we're going to bed early tonight. It's only 4:17am..

Better go...

Take care,

Indigo