OK.
I'll try to write. And when you find yourself becoming bored to tears, i get to blame her. So go to her website and tell her to stop encouraging me. (Is it okay to link your new blog address here?) Otherwise my uncontrolled blathering about nothing here may worsen.
I'm bummed out and i don't know why.
I am bummed out and have no reason to be.
I am bummed out and feel stupid for feeling that way.
I am bummed that i am bummed and therefore wonder if perhaps i am not authentically bummed all: that i'm pretending i'm bummed out and therefore making myself vicariously bummed.
Maybe i'm just crazy.
Or going crazy at least.
i feel that way sometimes.
Up. Down. Crazy. Happy. Depressed. Happy. Angry. Happy. Sad.
What the hell?!
What's wrong with me?
Yesterday i got all freaky because i PERCEIVED that i was being rapid fire criticized about food purchases. I know that we have this fun-loving goofy way of relating but in the process have i reverted completely into my inner 5 year old? I mean REALLY! The WHOLE 5 year old - not just the the teehee-cute part: temper tantrums and outbursts and whatnot. I was so embarrassed! And in front of his friend no less? Where is my characteristic calm cool and collect veneer? Where is my even-tempered stoichism? I was senstive and prickly the rest of the night. (Though i think i successfully hid it.) The three of us gamed until 1:30 in the morning without hitch: ordering chinese food and bullshitting in between.
Most of my day is spent gaming now. It's entertaining. He enjoys it. We have fun. Its something we can share given current physical barriers from doing most other things. His best friend and he discuss and plot on a daily basis. Its a social thang. It gives us all something to do together and i like that. BUT.
BUT.
Sometimes i feel guilt. I get sucked up into it like i used to get sucked up into television and food. It can easily have an addictive quality where i can loose myself and block out my thoughts and responsibilites. It aids my procrastinations. It placates my fears. And not that that's all bad. It really does come in handy but i feel anxiety when i neglect what i OUGHT to be doing: securing employment, communicating with friends (if i still have any?), cleaning dishes and laundry and other domestic duties, working out using my recent gym membership. Etc.
I don't like leaving the comfort of the studio.
I don't like leaving him.
I don't like doing anything at all sometimes.
Until i do it and then i love it.
But getting there is a B I T C H. It's so hard to get going. Its so hard to generate momentum and then not peter out.
Speaking of petering out. Ask me if i've danced EVEN ONE TIME since my return from the momentus month long dance pilgrimage. WAHAHA. (Do you even need to ask?)
AS IF.
Right.
Course not.
I suck. Cleary i suck. And do i think that typing it all down here absolves me from my shame? Pa-lease. Now not only am i an ineffectual infant, but i feel shitty on top of it for being so damm self-absorbed and REPETITIVE.
I mean come-on: like i don't write this exact same spiel every 4th day.
When is it going to stop?
When am i going to get off my erratic screwball merry-go-round?
When will i stop appealing to you to assuage my insecurites and fear? When will i suck it up and get on with things? When will i grow a self esteem? When will i accept myself for who i am? When will i be able to self-soothe myself? When will i not be terrifed by emotions? When will i feel i deserve and therefore allow happiness? When will i stop thinking the world revolves around my insignifcant self? When will i look behind myself at the larger picture?
I want to get centered.
Grounded.
I want to get back to how i know i can be. I've been there before. Allbeit for for brief time periods: i've tasted it.
And on that note. I miss having friends. I miss doing things. I miss feeling good about myself.
I haven't written or spoken to anyone (of my handful of friends) in 10 months.
Did you know i've been living with the Cutie now for 10 months? Yes, offically nearly a year.
Can you believe that? Is that possible? Can you believe that?
And what have i done with it?
That's nearly an entire year without a job.
Wow.
Wow wow wow.
I'm trying hard to not say i suck.. but.....................................................................
but.........................................................................
but....
10 months without a job???
I can rationalize it in various ways: i had unemployment checks coming so i DID have an income, it was a "getting acquainted" time with The Cutie, i hadn't had a day off for years and had been working 80+ hour work weeks for as long as i can remember.... BUT........
Hmmmm... I bet those 80 hour work week took the place of what gaming now does for me. Maybe i just hadn't noticed it since it's more "ACCEPTABLE."
Obviously i still need help.
I've been thinking i really do need to get my ass back to therapy lately. (When i have the money.HA. Or ideally the insurance.)
My disordered eating has been flaring up quite alot the past couple weeks. I find that terrifying. But i'm trying not to overreact. Ha. I'm trying not to over OVER react.
I wish i had my boxes that are in Hawaii. Maybe if i could read the gigantic binder filled with
literature from the Eating Disorder program it would help. I'm trying to remember the tools. The tips. The affirmations. With my limited attention span i forget alot lately.
Alot.
I walk into the kitchen to wash the dishes and see something on the counter that reminds me of something in the bedroom and i walk into the bedroom to get it and i see The Cutie and ask him about something on his computer screen and we talk about that for a while and then i sit back down at the computer and continue with what i was doing on my computer. When i get back up to get a soda, i notice the dishes that i started doing a couple hours before.
oops.
whatever.
I better get back to... um...
What am i going to do today? Game probably.
I could call that dance studio about teaching there.. but...
but.....
but...
What if they say yes? Then i have to do it? What then? How am i going to do it? Do i know how?
I need to figure something out and start something soon. I gotta have somewhere to set up a November workshop for The Guru. If i don't, i will be F A I L U R E. I will have failed.
I just gotta get started.
Tomorrow?
2 comments:
I think it's normal to go through periods where motivation is gone, for whatever reasons. But sometimes, we need that inner drill instructor in our head to wake up and start screaming. When people are burnt out and need a break, they generally don't feel bad about it. On the other hand, since it seems like you do, maybe your instincts are trying to tell you something.
It's easy for us to distract ourselves. Some folks do it their entire lives. But to quote J.P. Rowling, "We're going to have to choose between what is easy, and what is right."
Good luck on looking for that motivation.
yes, you can link to my new location. just change my name. i'm not totally unfindable. google still finds me on the old archives, but i just had to make it harder for certain people. i don't think they'll try that hard anyways. i was just freaking out at the time. all is well.
meanwhile. i totally relate to getting up to run in the other room for something and getting side tracked, for getting both what i went in there for and what i left unfinished in the other room. i think humans just do that.
and just keep writing. no matter what. i've come around and around a million times because of it. two nights ago i was a freaking mess. now i have a job and i've spoken up for myself with the institution. and i think i might have done it with out compromising myself professionally. i think.
and have you found a place to do your dancing near where you live?
have you found some support site on line for your eating fears?
maybe read your old archives.
not that you asked for advice. and i know you're not supposed to give it. they teach you that with all that therapeutic communication stuff that i can't seem to grasp.
but KEEP WRITING!
and do it for *you*
speaking of lack of motivation: it's 6:35pm and i still haven't showered to get out of the house and go study! aaaaaaaah!
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